by Lara Swann
I swear I want to.
It makes me wonder whether I should tell him to stop. Whether it’s confusing me.
But I don’t really want him to stop.
And there can’t be much harm in it - we’re just playing an act for a week. This is just helping us play it well.
And after that, we’ll be back to our usual environment and then we’ll stop.
“Besides.” He finally adds when we break apart again. “It’s your hometown, right? Your parents live here - who knows who might be reporting back to your mother.”
I laugh, even though I wouldn’t put that past my Mom.
The comment breaks the atmosphere between us though, taking the tightening intensity out of it and bringing us back down to earth, which is a small relief.
“So, where to next?” He asks, putting his arm around me and pulling me close with a kiss to the forehead.
Warmth floods through me again, but I ignore it - looking around instead, and realizing this is where I get stuck.
“Hah, well, I think we might have seen everything, Josh.” I say. “I did say there wasn’t much here.”
“Cassie’s childhood 101 - and it only took a few hours. Should’ve signed me up years ago, baby.” He grins at me, and I roll my eyes.
I really hope ‘baby’ isn’t a habit that sticks.
In the end, we head to the park conveniently located between my old school and my parents’ house, deciding to lie out in the sun and enjoy the good weather.
“I should’ve brought my book.” I say, thinking out loud as I lean back and look up at the cloudless sky above us. “It’s so good to have a day to ourselves.”
“This week is meant to be a vacation, you know.” Josh says, amusement tinging his voice.
“Yeah, there was never any chance of that.” I shake my head, chuckling a little.
This far from where all my family are no doubt bitching at each other and about me, I can make light of it.
“You think it’s going alright?” Josh asks, that familiar half-smile dimpling one side of his mouth and making me see yet again how handsome he really is.
“I think so.” I shrug. “No one’s questioned whether we’re actually a couple, at least - and you’re right, you’re uniquely suited to pissing people off.”
He laughs, reaching over to flick my ear, and I jump away with a scowl.
“I thought you were done with that!”
“Ohh, we’ve got the day to ourselves, Cassie, might as well enjoy it.” He grins back, and I make a point of narrowing my gaze and frowning at him.
“See what I mean about pissing people off.” I mutter, then sigh, my attention turning back to the original question. “I don’t know how well it’ll actually work though. I mean, whether this break up will get Mom off my back. I’d hoped so, but…”
“Yeah.” Josh agrees, his own expression darkening. “I might be starting to see your point about her.”
“Well, at least we’ll have accomplished that, then - next time I start complaining about my family, maybe you’ll be a little more sympathetic.” I smile, picking idly at the grass. “And it’s been good just to have you here, you know. It’s made a difference.”
“Good.” Josh’s voice warms a little, and then he pauses for a while. “D’you think I can ask why you really don’t want a relationship, Cassie? Without you biting my head off, that is.”
“I’m not gonna bite your head off about it, Josh - not unless you start implying I should want one, anyway.” I laugh, and shake my head. “But I always meant it when I said I don’t have time…I mean, just think about all the time and energy your relationships have taken. I can’t deal with that at the moment.”
“I’m not sure I’m the best example, Cassie.” He says, laughing. “I’m pretty sure I was doing those wrong.”
“Yeah, me too.” I grin across at him, and he reaches over to flick me again. I scoot back before he can, nudging him with my foot. “But still…”
“I think maybe if you’re doing it right, it could be a good thing - someone to support you, instead of drain your energy and time.” He says idly, and I’m not sure whether he’s thinking about himself or me.
It makes me think about it, though - I’m so used to my default stance being no, and refusing to discuss it with anyone that pressures me about it, that I have to actually think to remember the exact why again.
In the end, I shrug and lie back on the grass, my hands under my head as I stare up at the sky.
“I guess maybe it’s just been easier to avoid any of that drama, than to try and get it right and risk screwing other things up because it fails - and besides, with my family…no gives me a simple answer to all that fucking expectation, and maybe would’ve only brought endless Matthew’s down upon me.” I say, my eyes drifting closed as I contemplate it. “Plus, the image I got of relationships and marriage from my Mom, Maria, Anne…I’ve never wanted that kind of life, where I have to give up everything else. And I’d probably be defensive and pissy enough about it that there wouldn’t be many guys who’d give me a chance.”
I lever myself up again, resting on my elbows so I can look over at Josh. He’s got a peculiar expression on his face, as if he’s fascinated.
I guess we don’t talk about this stuff much.
“Too much effort to go looking for something now, but I’m not that worried about that shit. It’s not going to happen right now - but it will eventually.” I give him a reassuring smile and shrug. “I’ll meet someone - ideally without putting in hours’ of effort that I could use to study instead.”
He’s still looking at me, and eventually I just laugh and push at him.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing.” He smiles enigmatically. “That’s just the least ‘fuck off’ I’ve ever heard you be about that particular topic.”
“Yeah.” I consider that, and wonder whether he might be right. “Well, maybe I am a little less resistant to the idea of it these days.”
I do feel less militant about the whole thing. And I’m not sure when that attitude started to shift - or if I even noticed it had.
“Maybe your Mom is finally getting through to you.” Josh teases.
“Fuck off.” I flip him off.
“Yep. There it is again.” He laughs, and flops down onto the grass himself.
“Hey, Josh.” I say a moment later. “Do you actually not want kids?”
I’ve been wondering that since he first mentioned it, even though I feel like it can’t be true. And this seems like the time to ask, since we’re doing the whole personal conversation thing.
He sits back up again, looking at me seriously and shaking his head. “That was just to worry your family, Caz. I’ve always wanted kids.”
I feel an unmistakable wave of relief, and I’m not even sure why. My eyes slip closed for a moment, and then I open them to find him looking at me again.
“Yeah, sure. Of course.” I try and shrug it off, and after a moment Josh lies back again.
“Hey, Josh.” I say again, and he looks up at me. “I’m glad.”
He raises an eyebrow. “Yeah? How come?”
“I don’t know.” I say with a smile. “Maybe the way you were with Lucas and Ellie. Would be sad for some kid not to experience you as their Dad.”
His face softens at the word ‘Dad’ and I feel a surge of unexpected emotions tugging at me.
I turn over onto my stomach and lie out again, letting the sun warm my back as I try and shake that feeling off.
We’re both silent for a while - not uncomfortably, but it doesn’t feel quite like it normally does either.
“The sun doesn’t seem as awful as it did this morning.” Josh says after a while, with a happy sigh. “I’m glad I gave it a chance.”
I laugh.
It wouldn’t have been the first time for us to decide to spend the whole day inside after a big night, drapes closed and with take-out pizza and bad films.
“Yeah, me too.” I agree
, then something else occurs to me. “Hey, d’you fancy ice cream?”
“When have I ever said no to that?” He grins at me, and we sit up again.
“I used to do an ice-cream taste-testing challenge with friends here. We’d all bring or buy different brands and flavors, and one of us each week would have to guess what they were.” I say, thinking back.
“Did you win?” He asks.
Of course. Josh is nothing if not competitive.
“I’m not sure we ever kept track. We were more interested in eating the ice cream, really.” I laugh. “Probably not, though. Think you’d do better?”
“Definitely.” He says, with the sort of certainty that always makes me want to hit him.
“Well, I’m not going to let that go without a test.” I say, standing up and stretching. “I’ll go grab some ice cream and then we’ll see how you do.”
He stands up too, but I wave him down. “You don’t want me to come with you?”
“The store isn’t far, we passed it coming in - and you’re not meant to see them first. Don’t think that I don’t know how you like to cheat.” I grin at him as he laughs and capitulates, sitting back down with his hands raised.
“Okay, okay.” He says. “But choose some decent flavors.”
“Well…that’s the thing with this game…you’re not going to know if you like it until you try it.” I say, walking off before he can object.
It really wasn’t the point of the game when we were kids, but…with Josh…I could get a little enjoyment out of that.
Though, thinking about it, I’m not sure there’s a flavor of ice cream Josh doesn’t like.
I’m still trying to work that out as I’m approaching the general store, and almost bump into someone in my distraction.
“Sorry—” I start automatically, looking up.
Then I stop.
“Cassie?” Matthew looks back at me, apparently as surprised as I am. “What are you doing here?”
“Oh, hi Matthew.” I take a step back, shrugging. “I was just…here for the day, thought I’d revisit a few old haunts since it wasn’t too far. And show Josh where I grew up.”
I don’t know why I feel like I need to mention him, but I do, almost defensively.
“Oh, I see.” He gives me a wide smile, and unease runs up my spine. I take another small step back. “And where is he, then?”
I look around instinctively, even though I know he’s not behind me.
“In the park.” I say shortly. “I just came to get ice cream, so it was nice to see you again, but I should—”
“Ohh, all the way back there, hmm?” His smile gets even wider, if possible, and he steps closer to me.
My gaze narrows on him and I frown. I’m not sure what it is about this guy that gives me the creeps, but I’m immediately aware that we’re pretty secluded here just before the entrance to the park, and there’s no one around us.
“Not far.” I say deliberately, then move to step past him.
He steps with me, and now I know I’m not imagining things.
“It’s far enough that he’d never know if you wanted to have a little fun, Cassie.” Matthew’s voice lowers, and I frown.
“I don’t want anything, Matthew, just for you to get out of my way.” I say, voice hard.
“Oh, come on, Cassie. You don’t need to pretend.”
He leans in and I try to step back again, but he catches my arm.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I say angrily, trying not to seem scared.
Trying not to be scared.
“You know what I’m talking about.” He leers at me. “Your Mom already told me. I know all about your secret crush on me.”
My Mom?!
That comment is enough to break through my mental calculations of my chances if I try to knee him in the crotch and run.
“My…er…what?!” I blink, my fear momentarily suspended by bewilderment.
“Really Cassie, are you going to keep this up?” He sighs dramatically. “I know it wasn’t cool for girls like you to be seen with guys like me in school, but there’s nothing stopping us now, is there?”
I just stare at him. I’d been kind of terrified this was going to become dangerous, but instead it’s just absurd.
“I know you have a boyfriend - that’s cool, he doesn’t have to know. We can just have a quick bit of fun, fulfilling this mutual fantasy, eh?”
He steps up to me again, and I’m still trying to work out what the hell is going on when he lays both his hands on my hips. I flinch, but he either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care, still smirking with repulsive lust written all over his face.
“You can finally satisfy that little crush, and I’ll get with the girl everyone back in school wanted to have.” He says, with a dark pleasure I want nothing more than to get away from.
I finally come to my senses and jump back just as he goes in for a kiss, jerking my body from his grip and twisting away.
“No!” I say, fucking clear as day. “I’m not interested, you bastard. I never liked you. I can’t even remember you. Get the fuck away.”
He grabs me as I try to spin and leave, and I yell in surprise, his grip hard and bruising on my arm.
His expression darkens and he practically spits at me. “You always thought you were better than everyone else, Cassie. Always did. Well, you’re not, and I’ll show you that this is exactly what you need.”
I try to pull away, but he keeps hold of me, and keeps coming closer.
Terror pulses through me, and I feel a rush of adrenaline as the reality of this finally hits me.
“Hey! You bastard!”
I look up at the same moment Matthew spins around, and then Josh’s fist comes out of nowhere, smashing into him.
I hear a crunch, and then Matthew slumps to the floor, his hand going limp and slipping from my arm.
I jump away from him as if I’ve been burned, grabbing my arm where he’d touched me and trying to breathe again.
To find myself face-to-face with Josh, his eyes wild and his body tense with fury.
It’s for me, but even so, I take a step back, watching as he shakes his hand out with gritted teeth, cursing.
I still feel that edge of terror, of what-might-have-happened, and I have to fight hard to keep it from overwhelming me.
It keeps me frozen there as I watch Josh and try to recover without breaking down entirely.
Nothing happened. Nothing happened. It’s okay.
I want Josh to say it to me, but with the way his eyes are glazed over, I’m not sure he even knows I’m here.
I’ve never seen him this fierce or angry before. He’s never been like this.
“Fucking bastard.” He rounds on Matthew’s seemingly unconscious form, his fists clenched in readiness, and I get a sudden appreciation for just how easily Josh took him out.
Josh grabs him by his jacket, hauling him up, and then shakes him a little. “How the fuck did that down you, asshole?! Wake the hell up!”
Matthew just sprawls in his grip, showing no sign of obeying, and I finally step forward and take Josh’s shoulder.
“Josh…” I’m still trying to get my own emotions back in balance.
He jumps as I touch him, and then slowly blinks as he looks over at me, as if he’s only just noticed me at all.
Then he drops Matthew and I wince as I hear him crumple to the floor.
“I fucking want to nail the bastard again. But…he’s fucking unconscious, and what kind of guy does that?” Josh grinds out, standing over him as if he could kick the bastard - then finally seems to let it go, swinging away from Matthew to step closer to me.
I don’t flinch.
Hell, right now I’m having to fight not to run to him and collapse into his arms.
The anger seems to rush out of his expression all at once, as he actually sees me, and I can almost see his hard tension fade.
“Are you okay, Cassie?” He finally asks, warmth and care and an under
current of anguish creeping into his voice.
I swallow hard, then nod. “I…I think so. Yeah.”
I don’t feel okay. But nothing happened.
“Nothing happened.” I say, repeating the words I keep telling myself. “I…how did…how did you know?”
“You didn’t respond to my text.” He says, glancing back at Matthew for a moment, looking as stunned about what just happened as I am. “I was worried you weren’t going to get me a Snickers ice cream.”
“Oh. I don’t think they stock those.” I say automatically, and then I hiccup a little, a sob ripping through me.
That breaks us out of our almost-normal stupor, and in the next moment, I’m in his arms.
“Oh, fuck it, Cassie.”
The strength of his warm body washes over me, surrounding me with the protectiveness I’m desperate for, and the tight knot of tension finally starts to loosen.
“I was…so…fucking…scared.” I try to gasp for breath as I say it, his hand rubbing at my back and his steadying, calm voice murmuring reassurance in my ear.
This. This is the Josh I’m used to. Not the terrifying-violent-fury of a few moments before.
I should probably be moved that he felt so strongly because of me, but instead…I just want this.
My best friend.
Then he kisses me.
I shudder, but I want it. I push into that warmth, that comfort, that reassurance, his hands coming around my head and holding me tight.
The unyielding strength of his touch.
Tasting the tears that have escaped down my cheeks, feeling that wetness between us and struggling with whether to laugh or sob as he holds me safe in his arms.
When he breaks that gentle kiss, his mouth travels upwards, following the line of the few rebellious tears that escaped until he kisses the corner of each eye.
My heart skips a beat, and I melt in relief against him.
“S—sorry.” I try to say.
I know I’m being ridiculous. Nothing even happened.
His grip tightens around me.
“Don’t you dare, Cassie.” His demanding voice, right next to my ear. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”