“Hello,” I barely manage to say.
“Whaddup, ma? Why you sound like that?”
“Hey, boo, how you holding up?”
“I’m here, you know, but I don’t like how you sound.”
I couldn’t hold it any longer. I bust out bawling.
“Sierra, baby, don’t do that. You are tearing me down right now.”
I couldn’t stop the flow of tears that had built up in me. I just held the phone next to my ear as he expressed his love for his son and me, words that seemed empty. I need more than words. I need him to hold me, for him to tell me that it was only a bad dream. I waited to hear those words, but they never came.
“Sierra, dry them tears. The phone is about to hang up, and they gonna move me to Warsaw. Bring li’l man to see me. I love you, baby girl.”
The call disconnected before I got a chance to tell him I love him. It was nice to hear his voice, but I wish I would’ve talked more. He has no idea the hurt he placed on me. I wish I could’ve just walked away from him and the nightmare, but I couldn’t. My heart wouldn’t let me; instead, it kept me hostage, bound to a life that has nothing but unhappy endings.
* * *
Jeanette had really stepped up to be the support that I needed. The last few days she’s been helping out with Azir. I never thought that when I asked her to come live with me she would turn out to be a rock for me. I can honestly say our relationship has been improving over time.
I spoke to my lawyer; he seems like a nice guy. I wasn’t charged with any crime, so there was no need for him. I just need him on standby, just in case anything jumped off. He also informed me that the feds might be snooping into Alijah’s affairs, and because I was his woman, I might become a target of their investigation. He even implied that they might place me under surveillance, and they might also have our phone calls recorded. I rolled my eyes while he was telling me these things. I was not a stranger to dope boys or the law. I knew they played dirty, and I was ready for them. One thing about it, Creighton didn’t raise no fool, and I damn sure wasn’t going to roll over on my man.
* * *
It was Monday, and I was getting ready to visit Alijah. I got Azir dressed, and we were out the door to see his daddy. This was a special day because this was Alijah’s first day seeing his son since he cut the umbilical cord. We definitely had to make a grand appearance. I like to look my best, even when I was feeling shitty. I was looking damn good, and I was happy that I did not lose my ass, which was my signature. I smiled as I thought that was the same ass that caught Alijah’s attention in the first place.
Mo’ had picked my car up from the hospital the other day so I didn’t have to drive Alijah’s car. I love my BMW. It’s like we done bonded so much; plus, my baby bought it for me, so it had sentimental meanings.
I was born and raised in Richmond, and this was my first time crossing over the Tappahannock Bridge, and, damn, it was different scenery. I could tell it was an old hick town with horses and cows. I had no understanding why they would put a bunch of inmates in a town like that when the majority are blacks.
I’ve always heard horror stories about blacks getting pulled over by the white racist police, so I maintained the speed limit and drove carefully to the jail. It was a five-minute wait before visitation hours.
My name was called, and I walked to the area where Alijah waited. A glass separated us, and we conversed by a telephone.
“Hey, honey.”
“Whaddup, sweetheart? You look beautiful, and my little man is growing. Turn him around so I can see his face.”
I turned Azir around to face his daddy. He was wide awake, bobbing his head from side to side. I saw the joy that was plastered across Alijah’s face as he smiled and spit baby talk to his one and only child. I was beginning to tear up, but I used my inner strength to stop it from coming and making an appearance.
“So, baby girl, how you holding up?”
“Not good at all. It’s like I keep telling myself that it’s only a dream, and I am going to wake up,” I said while I sadly shook my head.
“Ma, I wish that I could tell you that, but the truth is, it’s real as fuck. I saw the lawyer yesterday, and things didn’t look too good. I don’t even know how it’s going to turn out.”
I sighed. “Alijah, we have to fight, baby. We have to. I am not giving up. I just can’t.”
“Sierra, listen to me. I love myself, but I love y’all more. Shit is bad, straight up. You need to get e’erything and move on, you and li’l man.”
“What the hell are you saying? You didn’t even go to trial yet, and you already giving up?”
“That’s not what I’m saying, B. All I’m saying is I don’t live in a fantasy world, and I don’t want you to either. You need to prepare yourself for whatever these crackers might throw at me. You feel me?”
I stood there holding our son, and this nigga is telling me to prepare myself, because he might be gone for good. I don’t know how I was supposed to really feel about that, so I just let the tears flow.
“Ma, I ain’t tryna hurt your feelings or anything like that. Trust me, I wish on e’erything I love that I could take away all your hurt, but right ’bout now, I can’t do shit!”
I stood there frozen, without uttering a word. I just stared at him, and then looked at my son. I wondered if he knew what the fuck he was saying to me. Obviously, he didn’t.
“Baby girl, I love you with e’erything in me. You the first chick that ever made a nigga shed tears, and seeing you cry right now is killing me. And the fucked-up part is I can’t even hold you or my seed. B, I need you to know, no matter how this play out, you and my seed is good for life. I made sure of that.”
“We will never be good without you. You are our family; shit will never be the same. I fucking need you. My son needs his daddy,” I cried out, not giving a damn who might’ve heard me.
I saw the tears drop from his eyes. I could tell he was fighting to not let them flow. I could not imagine what pain he was feeling. I stood there in silence, because honestly, I was at a loss for words. I wanted to hold him in my arms, to let him know we are in this together. I held my tears back. The fact was, I did not know what he was going through.
“Ma, listen, visitation is almost over, but real quick, make sure you clean up the house. You know you don’t like no dirty house, and make sure you get all the dirt out of the corners.”
“OK,” I whispered.
“I love you. Yo, be safe out there and kiss my li’l man for me and make sure you let him know that his daddy loves him. I love you too, shorty. Don’t you ever doubt that.”
I saw the guard motioning for him to hang up the phone and another one yelling, “Visitations are over.”
“I love you, boo, and I ain’t going anywhere. I will be right here waiting on you.”
The guard led him and the other inmates out of the room. I wrapped my baby in his blanket and walked out to my car.
I knew Alijah was trying to tell me something when he told me to clean up. I didn’t fully understand him, and the only thing that came to mind was the money that was downstairs. All the guns were gone. Hmm. I intend to do a thorough search of the entire house and his car. I placed Azir into his car seat and drove out of the jail parking lot. It looked like it was going to snow, so I need to head home before the streets get covered.
* * *
I got home safe and sound. Jeanette was in the kitchen cooking dinner.
“Hey.”
“Hey, honey, you look beat, and my sugar pooh looks cold. Let me wash my hands and take him.”
I sat on the stool in the kitchen. She had no idea how worn-out I was feeling. I was happy that I saw Alijah. I wasn’t happy knowing that he might not be coming home. She washed her hands and took Azir out of my lap. I am not going to front, having her around really lifted some of the burden off me.
“How was your visit?”
“It was OK, nothing special. Azir got to see his daddy.”
“I hope I’m not prying, but how is he holding up?”
“He a’ight, but seems to me like he’s giving up. I really don’t know.”
I didn’t want to discuss it. The fact is people always pretend like they know what you’re going through, but they really don’t know unless they were in the same boat.
“I’m praying for him and for you and Azir. God has a way to show up and show out when we least expect him.”
“Yea, well, where he at right now? ’Cause I sure do need him,” I replied sarcastically.
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but he sees and knows all things and will never forsake his children.”
“OK, I hear you; however, I am not in the mood right now for church. I’m going upstairs; bring me my baby when you’re ready.”
I picked up my purse and strolled upstairs. I believe in God, but my faith was really slim to none at the time. I changed into something comfortable, then got into my bed. I cut on the television and turned it to the Discovery Channel. I didn’t want to watch the news or any detective shows with people getting locked up. My own life was too dramatic.
* * *
I cut my phone off, not that I did not want to talk to Alijah or anyone else. I just needed some time to myself. I’ve been thinking for days that I need to settle the score with the next bitch on my list. See, I fully understood that she was angry because I took her husband, but let’s recap; her man came checking for me, and in the beginning, I was an innocent party. I never knew he was married, and when I did find out, I was already in love with him. I owe that bitch no explanations; we weren’t friends. She was just a random bitch to me. It was all game until she crossed her boundaries and tried to kill me.
This bitch thought shit was sweet. She was still running around causing trouble in our lives. That ho didn’t know, but ever since I woke up in the hospital, not a day has gone by that I don’t sit and think about her and the different ways I wanted to kill her. I wanted to see the bitch bleed until she’s taken that last breath. The only thing that was slowing me down was the fact that she was a federal informant, and that meant the feds might be protecting that ass. So I had to view the options that were available to me and go from there. I had to be very careful because I didn’t want to get caught up the way they set up Alijah and his boys.
I really wish I could’ve left it alone, but I couldn’t. Those two bitches violated me, and I’ve already dealt with Neisha’s ass. Now it was Shayna’s turn. First, I need to find that bitch; then I can put my plan into motion.
Jeanette interrupted my thoughts when she came into the room and handed me a cup of ginger tea.
“Are you going to eat dinner?”
“Nah, I’m not hungry. Cover it up for me. I’ll eat it tomorrow.”
“Sierra, you need to eat. You just had a baby; you need to nurse your body back to health.”
“Jeanette, lemme ask you a question. How come you know all what’s good for me now, but you didn’t when I was younger?”
“Sierra, you are hurting, and you’re looking to pick a fight. I won’t be no part of it. Get some rest and holler if you need me. Azir is already asleep,” she said and exited the room.
I threw the cup of tea onto the wall, breaking the cup.
“Fuck you. I need answers, but instead, you run off like you did before. Fuck you.” I grabbed my pillow and bit down into it. I was hurting. I felt like all the walls around me was crumbling down. I need air; I need to breathe. I cried harder with snot all over the place. I didn’t care. My head was pounding, but that was no pain when compared to my broken heart.
Chapter Sixteen
Alijah Jackson
I haven’t slept one good night since I been on lock. My days were spent exercising or chopping it up with the li’l homie from BK. He seemed pretty cool and was locked up for numerous bodies in Alexandria. My nights were the worst. I would do push-ups until I was hurting. Then I would lie on the bunk, just mainly brainstorming.
I missed my son terribly; it was breaking me down, literally. I tried my best not to focus on what was going to happen; instead, I tried to picture me teaching him how to kick a ball, how to ride a bike. These are the things that only a father should be able to teach his firstborn.
I often thought about Mom-dukes. I’ve been dreading on making that phone call to her because it was going to hurt her something serious. I still could hear her voice in my head warning me to leave those streets alone. I don’t have the words to soothe her wounds or to begin to explain why I chose these streets. I just hope one day she will understand that this was the life I chose, and there are only two outcomes.
* * *
It was a new day but the same shit. It ain’t too much to do when you locked up. I called Sierra, and we talked. She was excited about going back to work. She informed me she was going to hire a babysitter for Azir. I wasn’t feeling that bullshit, but look where I was. How can I even try to run shit from the inside? I made sure I told her to check that bitch out thoroughly and to make sure she stayed on top of e’erything. Sierra was on some foul shit for real ’cause she had money to take care of both of them, but yet, she’s talking about running a fucking shop. I had a feeling that chickenhead bitch Mo’ had a hand in her making that decision. By the time our call ended, she knew I was tight as fuck.
It was mail call, and I wasn’t expecting any letters. I just got cards from Sierra yesterday, and she was the only one that wrote me. I sat by the table playing cards with the homie when I heard the CO call my name. I got up and walked hastily over to him. I then realized it was legal mail that I had to sign my name on in order to get it. I signed, and the CO handed me a large manila envelope. I took it and marched into my cell. Those niggas were nosy as fuck, but I wasn’t no fool to let these snitch-ass niggas all up in my BI.
I ripped the envelope open. The top page said “Motion of Discovery.” I felt anxious and tight at the same damn time. I needed to know, so I started to read the document. Line by line they detailed crimes going back to my younger days in New York, the Creighton murders—and then I stopped dead in my tracks when I read the murder of Markus. The reason why that grabbed my full attention was because the day that I merked that nigga, I only made one phone call, and that was to my big homie, Saleem. So how the fuck would they have all the details about it? I kept on reading. The murder of Shayna’s parents was also in there. I was also being charged as a drug kingpin and the mastermind behind numerous murders.
As if shit couldn’t get any worse—I got to the part where they named the informants: Agent Damion Somers, Shayna Jackson, and . . . Adrienne Coleman!
“Get the fuck outta here!” I yelled out. “What? Big homie is an undercover agent?”
There’s no fucking way that was possible. I got up off the bed, which was a mistake because the room started to spin. I became light-headed; it felt like a sharp sword just pierced my heart. This was not anger that I was feeling—it was straight hardcore pain.
I took my mind back to the first time we met. He used to be posted outside the Islamic Center on 125th. Whenever Darryl and I walked by, he would speak to us. After a while, we became cool and started hanging tight. That’s when I learned that he was moving major weight. I wondered when the fuck did he become an agent or was he always an agent that was planted among dealers. I can’t even wrap my mind around the idea. I’ve been dealing with this man for over ten fucking years!
“Yo’ what the rass a happen, Father God? Jah know star, a fuckery dis.”
This fucking case couldn’t get any worse. Something else also hit me . . . He was not present at my bond hearing, and that alone seemed weird. I also remember my homie telling me that the feds mentioned his name when they were in the hotel. I couldn’t stand to read anymore, so I put the document under my mattress.
I sat there pondering . . . ten years of friendship or was it ten years of him reeling me in to gain my trust? I let this nigga in my life and not just that—he knew every inch of my business. H
e was the main drive behind me moving to VA. I now see that it was all a setup. I’ve been played and fucked straight like a bitch. I lay on my bunk staring at the light. There wasn’t one thought that could’ve shed any type of light on the fuckery that was taking place.
* * *
The next morning was here, and I had a lawyer visit. Didn’t see the use of the visit ’cause I see the deck was stacked against me. Father God was my only hope in all this chaos. I walked into the visitation room where my lawyer was seated.
“Whaddup, yo?” I asked as I sat across from him.
“How are you holding up?”
“I’m livin’.”
“Great! Let’s get down to business. I take it you already received your motion to discovery. What I sent you is only the tip of the iceberg. There are hours upon hours of wiretapping. My partner and I are taking turns listening to the recordings. There is damaging evidence in there. Each time Agent Coleman and Somers conversed with you, it was recorded.”
I sat there with my head buried in my hands.
“So, you the lawyer. What are my chances of beating these charges?”
“Tsk . . . I say zero to none. My best advice to you would be for you to plead out before any of the other guys do, and we probably can get time off for cooperating with the feds.”
I stood up and shoved the chair toward him.
“Yo! What the fuck you implying? You tryna tell me that I should become a fucking rat?”
“Calm down. As your attorney, I’m just pointing out your best possible options. These are some serious charges, and you are facing life in prison.”
“I don’t give a fuck. Mi is a bad man and mi nah tun no snitch. I ride for my niggas all pussyclaat day. Trust mi on that.”
“I hear you, but I don’t believe you understand how serious this is. We can go to trial, and if we lose, you will get multiple life sentences.”
I took a few steps closer to that clown and grabbed him by his collar. “Listen up, pussy hole. I will never become a rat. I am not pleading out. I am going to trial, and if you can’t do your fucking job, lemme know so I can get a nigga that don’t mind fighting for me. Son, you feel me?”
Even More Wifey Status Page 14