WrongorWriteBoxedSetstripped

by Sky Corgan

  I sighed, “Listen to yourself, Lawrence. Listen to yourself, and really think about it. Our entire relationship is based on a string of betrayals. Maybe more so from your end, but also from mine. If we were meant to be together, we wouldn't have done that to each other.”

  “They weren't betrayals. They were mistakes. Four years together. We've been together for four years.”

  “Were together for four years,” I corrected him.

  “That's a long time. Are you really going to just throw it away? We're conditioned to each other. No one will ever be more perfect for me than you are.”

  “I think you realized that a bit too late.”

  “You were fine with the relationship as it was too. Not once did you ask for something more.”

  “I didn't ask for anything more because I was afraid of losing you.”

  “Exactly. You were afraid of losing me. That's the same reason why I never told you about any of this before.”

  “Not asking for something more because you're afraid of losing someone is a whole lot different than fucking thirty other people.”

  He groaned, “I realize that. The point is that we were both afraid of losing each other, and that has to count for something.”

  “It doesn't. Not anymore.”

  “Please, Tara. Just think about it. I don't know if I can live without you,” his voice was pleading. “I know this is too much to digest now, but I swear to you that if you come back to me, I will never sleep with another woman again. We can start over fresh, if you want. We don't even have to be engaged. Just date me. Date me like we just met. There won't be anyone else. Just you and I. You know I love you. You know we're perfect together. Deep down, you do. I can see it in your eyes. Think about it, alright? We can start slow. I just . . . can't handle the thought of you not being in my life anymore.”

  I sighed. He did make some good points. Four years was a lot of time to throw away. And I hadn't exactly been perfect myself. I cared about Darren, but I didn't really know what he wanted from our relationship. Maybe it wouldn't kill me to weigh my options.

  “I need some time to think about this,” I said.

  “I can understand that. Perhaps we could have lunch again in a week. I won't bother you between now and then. That way, you can really think about it without my influence.”

  “That sounds good. I appreciate you understanding that you need to stay away.” I offered him a weak smile.

  “I appreciate you taking the time to consider this. I wasn't sure if you would or not.”

  “I don't want to, to be honest.”

  “Well, whatever you ultimately decide, I will respect your decision. I just needed this chance. Everyone deserves a second chance.”

  His words struck me as odd, somehow. Everyone deserves a second chance. I couldn't help but think about Darren. Was this my second chance with him? Or third, really? How many chances would he give me before he was out of my life for good? This decision definitely needed to be made carefully.

  I spent the night tossing and turning, thinking about both Lawrence and Darren. Part of me wanted to call up Darren and ask what he really wanted out of our relationship, but I didn't want to get his hopes up just to leave him again. This decision should not be based on whether Darren and I could eventually have a relationship together. It should be based on how I really felt about Lawrence, and whether or not I thought our relationship was salvageable. Four years was a long time to be with someone, and for the most part, I did think we were incredibly compatible. Even before he had proposed to me, I could see a future with him. We'd buy a big house, maybe have a few kids, get a dog, and live a picture-perfect life. That image was muddied now by the thought of him calling me up to tell me he had to work late, then end up in bed with another woman instead. If he had been deceptive through the entire four years and gotten away with it, what should make me think that he wouldn't continue to do so? Would getting back with him just set me up for getting my heart broken all over again?

  The week was filled with thought, and Darren was way too receptive to my moods. Even after all these years, he seemed to know exactly how I was feeling when I was feeling it.

  “Something's on your mind,” he whispered to me one night after we had finished having sex and were laying in bed together. “Tell me what it is.”

  “Nothing is on my mind.”

  “Bullshit. You've been acting weird ever since the weekend. What happened?”

  “One of my clients died,” I lied. There was no getting around it. He'd know I was lying if I said anything less serious.

  “I'm sorry to hear it.”

  “Yeah. She was a sweet old lady. One of my favorite clients. Always tipped me five dollars. It didn't matter what she was getting done.”

  “People die. That's just part of life.” He stroked my shoulder affectionately before kissing me on top of the head.

  “I know. It really makes me think about things though,” I sighed.

  “Like what?”

  “The future.”

  “What about the future?”

  “Where will I be in five years from now? Ten years? Twenty? Will I be married? Will I have kids? Will I be forever alone?” I let out a short laugh.

  “Five years from now, I imagine you'll be married, and you'll probably have children. You're definitely not going to be forever alone.”

  “Who would I marry? I'm not exactly marriage material.”

  “Sure you are. I'd marry you,” he replied casually.

  “Yeah, right. And give up your man-whoring ways?”

  He looked down at me with slight offense in his eyes. “Man-whoring? I haven't slept with anyone else since you came back into my life.”

  “Really?” I smirked.

  “Really.”

  “Whatever happened to Eleanor?” I nuzzled my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

  “I just told her I couldn't be with her anymore.”

  “Is that how you end it with all the girls? Will I wake up one morning and hear the same line?”

  “There was only ever one girl for me,” he replied seriously.

  “Hm. Well, she's a very lucky girl.”

  No more thought needed to be put into my decision after that. I wasn't going to throw Darren away again. He had more than earned his place by my side, and if that's where he wanted to be, then I was more than happy to have him.

  For the rest of the week, my head was clear, my mind made up. I no longer acted depressed. I was determined—determined to end things with Lawrence permanently and move on with my life.

  The day came when Lawrence and I were to meet. Instead of having him pick me up at work, we met at a Starbucks. I walked inside with determination in my step, striding over to the table he was at and sliding down into the chair.

  “Hey.” His face brightened when he saw me. “You look gorgeous, as always.”

  “Thank you,” I replied, trying to be cordial.

  “And you seem really happy too. I'm glad.”

  “I am happy. Very happy.”

  “Awesome. Then I suspect that means good news.”

  “It is good news for me.”

  He grinned, and I couldn't wait to watch it turn into a frown. “Well, tell me what you've been up to.”

  “I've been thinking a lot, about you and I.”

  “And?”

  “And I don't think you're right for me after all.”

  There it was, that beautiful frown, his dreams shattered, much like my heart had been when I found out about the thirty.

  “What makes you say that?” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

  “Like I said, I've been thinking a lot. Four years is a long time, yes. It's a long time to develop habits. In truth, if that girl wouldn't have sent me that pic, I never would have known you were sleeping around. I got to thinking that it would be easy for you to start sleeping around again and me just not know about it. I don't trust you anymore. Once the trust is lost, the relationsh
ip is over.”

  “But I promised I'd stop.”

  “It doesn't matter. I don't trust you. That's all that matters.”

  “Trust can be rebuilt over time.”

  “It could be, but I don't want to rebuild it. I'd rather move on with someone whom I know I can trust.”

  He tensed, and I knew exactly what he was thinking.

  “You went out to dinner with him, didn't you?” Lawrence asked.

  “That's no longer any of your business.”

  I could see the distress in his face, though he was doing everything that he could to hide it. “Well, I guess that's all there is to say then. I've been replaced.”

  “No. You'll never be replaced. To be replaced, I would have to find someone exactly like you. And Darren is nothing like you.” I stood to leave, looking down on Lawrence as if he was the dirt beneath my feet. Walking away from someone had never felt so good. Part of me wanted him to say something, to beg for me to come back, but part of me was glad that he didn't. It was less dramatic that way. All that really mattered now was that I was free, and the Lawrence chapter of my life was over.

  Chapter 11

  I expected life to be all rainbows and butterflies after that. It should have been all rainbows and butterflies. I had done the right thing. I had cut ties with Lawrence.

  But as with all things in my life, nothing went as smoothly as I hoped. As if Darren could smell Lawrence on me, he acted cold towards me that night.

  “Are you alright?” I asked while we watched movies together in my living room.

  “It was just a hard day is all.”

  Usually, when we watched movies together, he cuddled with me, fed me popcorn, kissed me throughout the movie or just held my hand. Tonight, he was clear across the sofa from me, as if I had some kind of infectious disease.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I offered.

  “Not particularly. Let's just watch the movie.”

  “Fine,” I sighed, relaxing against the sofa. If we ever hoped to have a romantic relationship together, he was going to have to learn to be more open with me.

  When the movie was over, he gave me a friendly hug and departed. There was no lingering embrace that led into a kiss that ended with me dragging him to the bedroom. I gave him his distance, hoping this mood of his would blow over. It didn't.

  The next afternoon, it was the same thing. He seemed irritable and touchy, brushing me off though he still wanted to be around me. I felt friend-zoned all over again.

  “What's up with Darren?” Alice asked when he left.

  “I have no idea.”

  “Have you asked?”

  “Yesterday he said he had a bad day. Maybe it just carried over into today as well.”

  When he treated me equally dismissive the following day, I did ask what was wrong. He told me it was nothing.

  “How can it be nothing? You've been acting really strange.”

  “Don't worry about it, okay.”

  “I just want to know what's going on. You've been so cold lately.”

  “I have my reasons.”

  “Well, I'd like to know what they are.”

  “You know what they are.”

  “No. I don't. Really. Did I do something?”

  He sighed, “Just forget about it. I'm going home.”

  Had I known he wasn't going to come back, I wouldn't have let him leave. The next afternoon, he didn't drop by the apartment. It was strange being there without Darren. While I was making dinner, I waited for him. Even after I had made dinner, I still waited for him, sticking his portion of the meal in the oven to keep it warm. When it got late, I called him, worrying that something might have happened. He never answered.

  The next day, it was the same thing. I sent him text messages, but there was no response. Finally, my fears got the better of me, and I headed over to his apartment.

  To my surprise, he opened the door after the third knock, looking absolutely horrible. He was wearing gray pajama pants and a muscle shirt. His hair was a mess, and he had bags under his blood shot eyes.

  “Are you alright?” I asked, concern filling my face.

  “What are you doing here?” his voice was cold.

  “You haven't been responding to my calls or texts. Are you sick?”

  “A certain kind of sick.”

  “Is it contagious?” I took a step back.

  “No,” he gave me a sarcastic laugh.

  “Then can I come in?”

  “That's a good question,” there was a defensiveness in his tone that I didn't understand.

  “Alright. Enough with the bullshit. What's up? You're acting like a dick.”

  “I wonder what you would have done if I had followed you to college.”

  “What? Where did that come from?” Now I was completely confused.

  “Let me spell it out. I was trying to give you a taste of your own medicine.”

  “A taste of my own medicine?”

  “Yeah. Disappearing on me. I think it's only fair, after everything you've put me through.”

  I was speechless for several seconds, trying to process what he was saying. Had he only gotten with me so that he could up and leave like I did to him so long ago? Had this whole thing been planned? It was hard to believe he could be so spiteful. That wasn't the Darren I knew. Then again, the Darren I used to know was a completely different person now.

  “So, you don't want to see me anymore?” I asked, feeling my entire body tense. All the pieces of my heart I'd been putting back in place over the last few weeks with Darren were shaking on their foundation, slowly chipping away, about to crumble completely at his words.

  “It's not that I don't want to see you anymore. I just don't want to be hurt anymore,” he sighed. “I get it, okay. You don't have to pretend like you care about me. Coming here was wrong of me. We can part ways, and you never have to see me again. I'll get over you again, somehow.”

  I gave him a quizzical look. “What are you talking about?”

  “I saw you, okay. With him.”

  “With who?”

  “Lawrence.”

  “You saw me with Lawrence?” I thought for a moment, then it clicked. Darren must have been at the restaurant that one time or perhaps at the coffee shop.

  “I know you're still seeing him. It's fine. No big deal. I'm going to make things easier on you by disappearing.”

  “Darren, that's not what I want at all.” I shook my head. “Will you just let me in so we can talk?”

  “There's nothing to talk about. I know what I saw.”

  “There's plenty to talk about. It's not what you think. Just let me in so I can explain.”

  He studied my face for a minute before moving away from the door to allow me inside. The apartment where he had been living for the past few months was barely furnished to begin with. Now, it looked even more empty, as if he'd already been packing. Did he really mean to just up and leave without telling me anything? That thought hurt. I could only imagine how it must have felt when I did something similar to him so many years ago.

  “Talk,” he said.

  I took a seat on his black leather sofa, keeping my eyes to the floor, afraid to meet his gaze.

  “Yes, I did go out with Lawrence, but it was only because he came by my work and refused to leave until I agreed to have dinner with him. He begged me to come back to him, but I told him I needed time to think about it. So, I took a week to think about it, and then I met him at the coffee shop to give him my answer. That's why you saw us together. Where did you see us, by the way?”

  “At the coffee shop. Authors have a notorious attraction to coffee,” his voice was none the lighter.

  “Well, that's what happened. There's nothing going on between us.”

  “So you told him you don't want to see him anymore?”

  “Of course. Why would I want him when I have you?”

  “Because you've never really wanted me.”

  I sighed, “That's not true
.”

  “How can I believe you when you come and go from my life, when you cast me aside for that douche bag, and then I see you together with him again?”

  “You just have to trust me.”

  “Do you love me?”

  I looked up at him. His expression was dead serious, and his arms were crossed over his chest. I wasn't sure what to say.

  “You've been my friend forever, of course I care about you.”

  “Do you want to be with me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then prove it.”

  “How?”

  “Marry me.”

  I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was such a strange thing for him to say in the heat of an argument.

  “Are you fucking serious?” I quirked an eyebrow at him.

  “I'm serious. Marry me or I'm leaving.”

  “What? You can't do that?”

  “I can and I will.”

  “Can't I have some time to think about it?”

  “No. I've spent my whole life loving you, chasing you, protecting you, doing for you. I've endured more pain than you can imagine for loving you. I'm tired of this push and pull. You come and go. You give, and you take. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I don't want to have to worry that one day you're going to disappear on me again or change your mind. I'm done, Tara. I need to know this is real, or I need to get as far away from you as humanly possible.

  “When you left Castroville, I thought I had put everything behind me. I fell off track for a while, but I got back up again. I tried to become a new person, a different person, a person you'd appreciate and respect. But while I was doing that, I realized you were never coming back. So then I tried to become a person that I could live with, a person who couldn't love, who couldn't get hurt because of love.

  “When I saw you in the funeral home though, that all went out the window. There are so many things a person can change about themselves, but sometimes the heart isn't one of them. I wanted you again from the moment I saw you. And when you let me take you in the bedroom at your parents' house, I thought I might be able to have you, that everything was finally falling into place the way it should have always been.

  “But then he showed up. He showed up, and I realized you had used me again. You lied. You told me you were happy I was there, but you weren't. I was just a complication to you, a moment of weakness that you just wanted to forget.