“Options?”
He smiles at me. “If you would like to give the baby up for adoption. Or terminate the pregnancy.” I stare at him. Adoption? Terminate? I can’t do either of those things; I know that for a fact. This is my baby. “I need to insert this wand so we can get an up close image. You aren’t far enough yet to do the one on your stomach like you’ve probably seen before.” I don’t want to correct him that I’ve never seen this done at all, but I just nod instead. “It may feel uncomfortable.” He moves my gown, and I feel him put the device inside me, but my face is buried in Kinsley’s arms. He clicks some buttons, but I can’t look.
“Liane? Would you like to see?”
“Go ahead and look,” Kinsley whispers in my ear. “You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
I turn to see the black and white screen, but I can’t respond to her what I’m thinking: the only thing I’ll regret is that this happened in the first place. “Here’s your baby,” Dr. Jensen explains. I look at the screen, but I don’t see anything. “Right here. See that little flash? That’s the heartbeat. It’s nice and strong. Right now you can’t see the different body parts, but that happens fast. Right now, it’s about the size of a kidney bean. The measurements put you at about ten weeks, but it could be off by a week or so. As you get farther along, it will become more apparent what your actual due date is since you aren’t sure of your last period.” He removes the device and hands me a tissue. “You can clean up and get dressed. I’ll meet you in my office, where I’ll give you a referral to see an OB/GYN. You’ll need to set up a follow up appointment with them right away. Meanwhile, I’ll give you some anti-nausea meds that should help with the morning sickness.”
He wheels the machine out with Jacey following him, leaving us alone again. Kinsley takes me in her arms without a word, and I break. My body sobs as I cry for everything I just lost here in this clinic today. Not only will I never again be Blake’s, but now I’m going to be someone’s mom at the age of eighteen. If the calculations are right, my due date will be sometime in late April. I can’t even make it through my entire first year here before I’ll be a mom. How am I going to support this child?
After I numbly listen to his instructions on what doctor to call, when I can take the medicine, and that I should start taking a prenatal vitamin, Kinsley leads me out to her car. I feel like there’s a fog around me. If I thought I felt sick before, nothing compares to the way I feel right now.
“What can I do?” Kinsley faces me. “Tell me something I can do.”
“No one can help me,” I whisper, looking down at my hands. “I have to go home and tell my mom. Then, I have to figure out how to tell Ronan, or if I should tell him.”
“Are you positive it’s Ronan’s baby?” Hearing the word ‘baby’ come out of her mouth makes me want to be sick again. I can’t deal with this. “I’m sorry,” she says. “We don’t have to talk about it.”
“I wish it was Blake’s,” I admit. If I had to be going through this, at least if it was with Blake I would have something to look forward to.
“Isn’t it possible?”
I shake my head. “No. He said I was about ten weeks. I wasn’t even with Blake then. I was here, in Kentucky.”
“But he also said it could be wrong,” Kinsley argues. “You could have a DNA test done.”
“It’s not necessary. Unless it’s way off, which Dr. Jensen said only by a week or so, that’s still not possible that Blake is the father. Looks like I’m stuck with Ronan for the rest of my life.”
“Lia, just because you have a baby with him doesn’t make you stuck with him. There are plenty of people that parent a child but aren’t together.”
I drop my head in my hands. “I can’t believe I have to do this, Kins.”
I know I look like hell. Between all the weight I’ve lost over the last month, the green tint to my face, and my emotional state, I’m a mess. It’s been twenty-four hours since I found out that I’m pregnant. And not just that I’m pregnant, but that I’m having my ex-boyfriend’s baby. My first ex-boyfriend, not to be confused by my second ex-boyfriend, who never really broke up with me but doesn’t want anything to do with me. But my first ex-boyfriend wants me back. Except that he’s a manipulative jerk, but also the father of my baby. Yeah, I’m a regular soap opera. And I’m only eighteen years old. Give me a few more years, folks. Let’s see what else I can come up with.
Kinsley had laid with me all night. Most of the time we didn’t say a word. The rest of the time we spent rehashing the same things over and over again. How I am going to tell my parents and what I’m going to do about Ronan. And a few times, I broke down over Blake. I know now that no matter what, it’s over with us. I may never know why he stopped talking to me, though I have my suspicions. Once he finds out what’s happening with me, he won’t want anything to do with me, anyway. So not only have I lost the man I thought I loved, but my life long best friend. Of course, I still had Gretchen and Kinsley. I haven’t called Gretchen yet; I don’t want to worry her while she’s getting adjusted in California.
Now here I am, sitting in my car in front of my house. Both of my parent’s vehicles are in the driveway. Even Beth is here, having taken a long weekend from her graduate program. Well, at least I could shatter everyone’s dreams for me all in one fell swoop. My mom had been so excited to hear I was coming home. And I had been too. Until I learned that I had to drop a bomb on them.
Stepping out of the car, I grab my small duffel bag and head for the house. The second my hand is on the doorknob, it opens. All three of them are standing there with giant smiles on their faces.
“Liane!” My mom wraps me in a hug, and I grit my teeth to keep my emotions in check. I can’t lose it now. She releases me and my dad hugs me next. As my sister moves in, she gives me a look but I plaster a fake smile on my face and hug her tightly.
“I’m so glad to see all of you,” I say, and I mean it. I just wish I didn’t have to tell them. Like ever.
“How’s your first month of school been?” Beth asks, leading me to the couch. Oh, the drama I could tell her. But instead, I stick with safe.
“It’s been great. I love my roommate and she’s an education major too, so we have a lot of the same classes. The campus is beautiful and I’ve met a lot of people.”
“I’m so happy for you,” Beth says, and my parents beam. Why is everyone so darn happy? I haven’t been gone that long. “I have something exciting to tell you, too.”
“Oh really? What is it?” That’s great. The more Beth talks, the less I have to. She and my parents exchange a look, and then Beth’s boyfriend Jacob appears from the kitchen.
“Jacob!” I love him. He’s a super guy and has been like a brother to me since they started dating about four years ago. He and Beth went to school together, and are both very driven people. I hug him, glad that I can think about something else for a few minutes. Maybe coming home won’t be as bad as I thought. He releases me and goes over to Beth, kissing her softly before sitting down next to her.
She looks over at him and they share a secret smile. “We’re getting married. Jacob proposed!” She puts her hand in my face and I see a huge diamond ring on her finger. My lip starts wobbling without warning, and I try to bite it to stop, but my eyes don’t listen. Tears start streaming down my face. I want to pretend that it’s just happy tears for them, but my face crumples. I feel it. Then I start hyperventilating.
“Liane? What’s the matter?” My mom kneels in front of me, her face etched with concern. “Isn’t it great, sweetie? Maybe she’s just happy,” she tries to console my sister. I want to tell her congratulations and that I love them both, but my mouth won’t work. I stand up, running from the room and shutting myself into the downstairs bathroom. I throw up everything that’s in my stomach—which let’s face facts, isn’t much—and sit with my head against the wall. Well, didn’t that just go over well? Now they all know that there’s something seriously wrong with me, or they think I hate Ja
cob and Beth, or something. I made a fool of myself.
“Liane?” It’s my mom. “Please come out, sweetie. What’s going on?” I stand on shaky legs, rinsing my mouth out in the sink and catching my reflection in the mirror. My eyes are red and bloodshot, my nose is swollen, and my face is stained with tears. Not to mention I haven’t worn makeup in days.
I open the door to see her concerned face looking into mine. “We need to talk,” I admit, walking past her and into the family room. “I’m so sorry, Beth.” She steps up and hugs me. “I’m so happy for you and Jacob. He’s an amazing man and you both…” my voice cracks, and I can’t continue.
“Is this about Blake?” my mom guesses. Oh, how I wish it was just a broken heart. My sister looks at her quizzically and then back at me. Yeah, I haven’t been the best on keeping my sister updated, either. I look over and my dad is sitting, just watching. He’s a man of few words, but I know he’s always there for me.
“Let’s sit,” I say, settling myself at the end of the couch, wringing my hands in my lap. This is it. After this moment, they won’t see me as their little girl with her whole life ahead of her. They will see me as their disappointment. For the rest of my life, this moment right here will define who I am. A mistake. “I have to tell you all something.” Four sets of eyes burn into mine, waiting.
“So I’ve been really sick for the past month,” I start. My mom frowns, because I never told her.
“No wonder you look so thin,” she interrupts. “I’ll make you some good food this weekend.”
“Let her talk, Margaret.” It’s the first thing my dad has said, and I smile thinly at him.
“I went to the doctor yesterday with my roommate, Kinsley. She’s taken great care of me.” Do it, Liane. It’s just two words. Quit beating around the bush. I look up and see tears in my mom’s eyes. She doesn’t even know what I’m going to say yet, but she’s already upset. “I…” my voice cracks. I don’t think it’s ever been so hard to say two words. “I’m pregnant.” I don’t dare look up at them; I can’t.
It could’ve been seconds, minutes, or hours that went by, no one saying anything. When I finally look up from my hands, my mom has her hands over her mouth and tears streaming down her face. My dad has his arms wrapped around my mom. My sister is curled up in her fiancé’s neck, her body shaking. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“Liane,” my mom stands up and crosses the room, dropping down in front of me. “Oh, my god, sweetie. How? Are they? Are you?” She can’t complete a thought, and I get it.
“Whose is it?” My dad asks. All eyes swing to him as he asks what everyone else is thinking.
I sob, covering my face with my hands. My mom pulls my hands away from my face. “Who, Liane?”
“Ronan,” I admit. Everyone in the room groans.
“Liane,” Beth finally speaks up. “You’re so young. What about school, honey?”
My mom starts rocking, the realization hitting her of what I said. She’s crying so hard she’s not making a sound. “L-L,” she tries, but can’t make the words. But it’s not until I look over at my dad and see tears coursing his cheeks that I feel like dying. I’ve done this to them. Before I realize what’s happening, all four of them are wrapped around me, hugging me. We’re all crying, but we’re together.
I WALK DOWN the hallway, heading for the kitchen. My stomach is rumbling and I need a snack. Just before I reach the kitchen, I hear sniffling. I stop, listening for where it’s coming from when I hear the soft reassurance of my mom.
“It’s going to be okay, Beth,” my mom whispers.
I peek around the corner and see my mom and sister at the table. I wonder what she’s so upset about. She’s engaged to be married and is actually doing things the right way. What does she have to worry about?
“We were so excited to tell you guys,” she continues, her voice wobbling. “But how can I ever compete with that now?”
“Compete with what?”
“She’s giving you your first grandchild. How ironic is it that the very day we announce our engagement, and she’s here to tell you she’s pregnant! At eighteen! What is she going to do? She’s ruined her whole life. And I feel like everything will be overshadowed for me now. All the focus is going to be on my little sister and this new baby of hers. Why should I even bother having a wedding?”
I look down at my still-flat stomach, tears blurring my vision. My sister is upset about me. She’s angry that I’ve ruined her engagement announcement and that everyone will focus on me instead of her. I’ve ruined everything. God, had I known that she was going to say that today, I would’ve never come home. Before I can stop myself, I step into the kitchen.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out. Both of them look up at me in surprise. “I never meant to hurt either one of you. Beth, I had no idea. I don’t want to make you feel that way. I don’t know what to do, or what I should do. I know I screwed up. I can hope and pray I didn’t ruin my whole life. But please. Don’t turn your back on me now. I need you. I love you.”
Beth looks at me for a moment, then stands. She wraps her arms around me. “I’m sorry, Lia,” she sobs into my shoulder. “That was terrible of me to say. You know I’ll be here for you. I was just having a selfish moment. Please forgive me.”
My mom stands and joins us, and the three of us cry together. I understand how my sister feels, because if I were her I’d probably think the same thing. Here she is, doing things the right way and I swoop in and steal all the thunder. Though I’d give just about anything to switch places with her right now.
I TOSS MY small suitcase into the back of my car, ready to head back to school. While it’s been great to be with my family this weekend, I’m so emotionally exhausted that I feel like I could sleep for a week. The medicine is helping my throwing up, but the fact that I’m pregnant keeps me in a constant state of nausea. I look back at my parents’ house, wishing I could rewind time and make so many different decisions. Starting with focusing more on getting ready to go to college and less with giving myself to two boys that I thought I loved.
Sliding into my car, I turn the ignition but don’t move. The radio clicks on one of my favorite songs, but I barely hear it. Just then, the front door opens and my sister comes out. She sees me sitting there and begins walking to my car. We’ve already said our goodbyes, so I’m not sure what she wants, but I roll down the window as she approaches.
“Be safe,” she says, reaching through and putting her hand over mine on the steering wheel.
“I will,” I say, my voice breaking. I’m an emotional disaster.
“Lia,” she says softly. “I want you to know something.” Tears keep me from being able to see her, but I nod. “I’m here for you, through all of this. I know I was upset when you told us, but I’m just so scared for you. But I know you can do this. And I want to help you.”
I push the car door open and fling myself into her arms. “I’m so sorry, Beth. I never wanted to do this first. It’s all my fault. I was so stupid. So, so stupid. How am I going to survive this? I can’t be a teen mom.”
“Don’t be sorry,” she murmurs into my hair. “I’m here for you. This isn’t ideal, but you can do it. We’ll all help you. Okay? You call me if you need anything.” She leans back so we’re looking eye to eye. “I mean it. You’re my sister, and I want you to turn to me if you need help.”
I nod. “I love you, Beth.”
She squeezes me one more time before releasing me. “I love you too, Lia. You’re going to be okay, sweetie.”
I PRESS THE buttons to Ronan’s phone number, my hands shaking. As the phone rings, I think about what’s happened over the last few days. I know I should’ve called him already, but it’s taken me this long to feel like I can speak about it at all. After the weekend at my parents’ house, we had decided that I would finish the first semester and then move back home. We had many discussions over that weekend, and while I knew they were disappointed that this had happened, they were there for me. Even Bet
h and Jacob. I had an appointment in a few weeks at home with my OB. I still feel sick all of the time, even with the anti-nausea meds.
Today is the day to talk to Ronan again. I’m not telling him over the phone; we all agreed that wasn’t the right way to handle it. But I have to start with calling.
“Hello?”
“Hi, is Ronan there?”
“Uh, yeah, hang on. Who is this?”
“It’s… Liane.” I hear muffled voices for almost a minute.
“Liane?” Ronan sounds surprised. Of course he does. “Are you okay?”
“Hi, Ronan. Is this a bad time?”
“No, I was just… no, it’s not. How are you? I have to be honest. I didn’t think I would hear from you so soon. But I’m glad you called.”
I sigh, wishing I didn’t have to call him. I’d give anything to be calling Blake instead. Not that he would talk to me, since he didn’t love me anymore. “We need to talk.”
I STEP OFF the plane, my mom trailing behind me. She’s not coming with me to see Ronan, but she insisted on being with me on the trip. It’s been two weeks since I started talking to Ronan again. He still doesn’t know that I’m pregnant, but that’s what this trip is for. It’s why we’d had to wait the two weeks; he’d had some big projects for school he had to work on. The semester is ending soon, and it’s a busy time for both of us.
To say he was surprised I wanted to start talking to him again would be the understatement of the year. Though he hadn’t really questioned why. But in the next few hours, he will know. And all I can hope is that he wants to be a part of this baby’s life. If he doesn’t, I will do it myself. There’s no way I’m giving the baby away.
My mom rents a car and before I know it, we’re pulling into the campus. She’s going to drop me off for a few hours so I can talk to him. We’re supposed to go to dinner and then he’s going to take me back to the hotel where we’re staying. If he wonders why my mom is coming with me on the trip, he’s never asked. I wonder if he has any clue that something’s up, because the last time I talked to him I told him I never wanted to speak to him again. Probably not. He was probably expecting me to come back to him at some point.
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