Twisted Souls

by L. L. Collins

  “This is it,” I say when I spot his dorm. It’s freezing cold here and I’m wrapped up in my winter coat, scarf, and gloves.

  “Good luck,” she says. I kind of wish she would scream and yell at me for being a disappointment, but she doesn’t. I know she thinks it. She would have to. But instead, she’s supportive and caring. Even if I do see how sad she is sometimes.

  “Thanks, Mom. For everything. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. And hey… if this doesn’t work out the way you want it to, it’s okay. We’ll help you. You know that.”

  I hug her tight. “I know. That doesn’t mean you should have to. You’ve raised your kids. It’s not your job to raise your illegitimate grandchild, too.”

  “Hey.” She catches the sleeve of my jacket and pulls me back towards her. “Don’t say things like that. Did you make a mistake? Yes. But we’re not turning our backs on you, Liane. Not now, not ever. And if you need our help, we’ll be there for you. Always. Okay?”

  I sniffle. “Okay. See you in a few hours.” I run from the car to the building. Ronan is waiting just inside the lobby.

  “Lia,” he says, grabbing me and hugging me tight. “Wow, it’s great to see you. You look amazing, as always.” He steps back, as if trying to read how receptive I am to his affection. We’ll see how receptive he is to mine after I tell him what I have to say.

  “Hey, Ro,” I smile, leaning up and kissing him softly. “It’s great to see you.” He looks surprised that I kissed him, and I don’t blame him. I seem to be the Queen of Mixed Signals. I try hard not to compare his lips to Blake’s. No. I have to let that go.

  “I’m so glad you came to see me. Why don’t I show you around the campus and then we’ll go to dinner?”

  “As long as it’s in your car with the heat full blast! It’s freezing here!”

  He laughs, putting his arm around me and leading me out the door. “Heat works well in my car, yes. It’s a must up here.”

  After Ronan shows me around the beautiful campus, he takes me to one of his favorite local diners. He tells me that all of the college kids come here to watch the football games when they’re away. I tell him about school for me, leaving out the part about going home after first semester. He’d find that out soon enough.

  “Can I say something without you getting mad?” Ronan reaches across the table and puts his hand over mine. I enjoy the warmth, and when I look into his eyes, I can almost remember what it used to be like before everything fell apart. I remember how much I thought I loved him and the way he made me feel. And I hope that maybe he wants that again. With an added bonus.

  “Sure,” I respond.

  “I know something’s brought you here, Lia. After the last time we saw each other, I know you wouldn’t have come all the way here if there wasn’t a reason. I’d like to be blind and say that you just missed me and came to your senses, but I doubt that’s all that it is. But I want you to know one thing before you tell me what really brought you here.”

  I swallow, waiting. Is he going to tell me he’s had time to think and now he wants nothing to do with me, just like I told him? I wouldn’t blame him.

  “I’ll always love you, Liane Kelly. No matter what’s happened in the past with us—and it was pretty ugly—you’re my soul mate. I’ve been seeing someone. But she’s no one to me. So if you’re here to say you’re ready to try again, she’s gone. Just this second.”

  Tears fill my eyes, and I look down at our joined hands. I pull back, my stomach churning. I haven’t been sick yet today, but that seems like it’s going to be rectified any second now. I should’ve known Ronan wouldn’t waste any time finding someone to warm his bed. He probably found someone at home while I was gone to Florida, too.

  I scoot out of the booth and step away from the table. “Lia,” he grabs my hand, stopping me. “Where are you going? Please don’t. I’m sorry. You said that…”

  I have to go now, or I’m going to lose it right here in the middle of the diner. That would be great for the rest of the customers. I jerk my hand from his and run to the bathroom without answering him. So much for that soup and crackers. I rinse my mouth out and calm my shaking hands. I put my hands on my still-flat stomach and sigh. Here goes nothing, baby. Time to tell your Daddy that you’re in here. Just thinking the name ‘Daddy’ associated with Ronan’s name makes me want to throw up again. But other than the admission that he’d been seeing someone else, he’s being kind and loving. And what did I expect? I had thrown him out of my life and said I never wanted to see him again. Did I expect both Blake and Ronan to just pine away for me for life? I shake my head, knowing I’m being ridiculous.

  When I arrive back at the table, Ronan stands up, relief written all over his face. “I’m sorry,” he says again. “If I had thought there was any chance…”

  “We have to talk.” I slide into the booth and get a piece of gum from my purse. He has to understand what’s really going on so we can make some decisions. I look around, wondering if this is the place that we should have this conversation. “Is there somewhere more private we can talk?”

  He stares at me. “Well…” he looks around. “How private does it need to be?” I have no idea what he’s thinking, but I’m sure it isn’t anything close to what I’m actually going to say. “I know them well here. I can pay the check and tell them we need some privacy so no one comes over. My dorm room isn’t exactly private, if you know what I mean. And going somewhere outside is out of the question. Unless you want to sit in my car.”

  A car is definitely not where I picture having this conversation, but then again, where is there a good place to drop an atomic bomb like this on someone? “I-it’s okay. We can stay here, then.”

  “Talk to me, Lia. You’re scaring me. Are you okay?” When I look up and our eyes meet, I feel it. He still loves me. But will he after this? It’s about time to find out.

  I shake my head. “No. Not really. I’m not sure how to tell you this, Ro, so I’m just going to throw it out there.” He squeezes my hand, nodding at me. “I’m pregnant.”

  I watch as his face registers the words I just dropped in his lap. His hand is still over mine, but he’s still. I can see the whites of his eyes as he stares at me without blinking. His lips purse but don’t say anything. I can visibly see his chest heaving, and I know he feels a lot like I do right now. Except I’ve had a few weeks to get used to it. If you can ever ‘get used to’ something like this.

  “What? Are you serious?”

  “Yes,” I whisper, my eyes trained on his. “I’m sorry, Ronan. I know this isn’t what either of us wanted to have happen.”

  “How? When? Oh God, Liane. This isn’t happening.”

  Anger sparks to life inside me, and I try to hold it in, knowing this is a lot to take in for him. “Well, let’s see. You know how we had sex for the last six months of our relationship? Well, one time the protection didn’t work. That’s how. And the time of conception was somewhere around my birthday.”

  “Were you with him?” He pulls his hand back and crosses his arms. Oh, there’s the jerk Ronan I’d seen more of the past few months. We both know what he’s asking. What’s the likelihood this isn’t his baby?

  I open my mouth to respond when he puts his hand over mine again. “I’m sorry,” he says, his voice softening. “I know your birthday was almost a month before you went to Florida. I don’t want to know the rest of the details. That was a jerk thing for me to say to you, Lia. I’m just shocked.”

  “You and me both,” I say. “And I just want you to know, I’m not asking you to do anything. If you don’t want to be a part of either of our lives, I’ll be okay. You had the right to know that I’m having your child, though.”

  He stands, and I think for a moment he’s going to walk out, relieved that I’m letting him off the hook. I wouldn’t blame him. But instead he slides in next to me and wraps his arms around me. I’m speechless, so I just let him hold me. “I would never make you do this yourself, Lia.
I love you. I’ve never stopped. No matter what we’ve been through, we’re in this together. I’m shocked and this isn’t the greatest time, but it’s happened.” He pulls back and lifts my chin so our eyes meet. Ronan presses his lips to mine softly, and I fight the tears that are always threatening to fall. I try to blame it on the hormones, but I know that’s only part of it. I’m not going to do this myself.

  “What are you doing about school?” His eyes flit down to my stomach. “You aren’t showing?”

  “A little bit, but nothing you can tell with clothes on,” I say. “Everything I’ve read says I should start seeing some evidence of him or her in a few weeks. I’ll also start feeling the baby move soon. I go to the doctor at home in a few weeks. I’m leaving school at semester and moving home. I’ll do some community college while I wait for the baby to be born, then I’ll figure out when or how I’m able to go back. I’m still going to be a teacher, Ronan.”

  “Of course you are,” he says. “But I have another plan.”

  “What’s that?”

  “You move here. I’ll get an apartment off campus and you go to school here with me. They have a great education program.”

  I laugh. “Ronan. That sounds great and all, but the tuition would be ridiculous. And my doctor’s in Kentucky, and so are both of our families. How would we take care of the baby when we’re both at school? We don’t have money for daycare.”

  Realization dawns on him. Our lives are changing. And if he wants to do this, it probably means leaving New York and his family’s alma mater. “Okay. Well, we’ll figure that out. But I’m here, Lia. I promise. I want us to do this together.”

  “We have to tell your family. I told mine a few weeks ago when I went home.”

  “Well since your mom is here with you, I guess it went over okay.”

  “As okay as it can when you’re a pregnant eighteen-year-old. I can’t believe this is happening to us, Ronan. I’m so sorry.”

  “Liane, stop. I was there just as much as you were. You aren’t to blame for this unless you did it on purpose, and I know that’s not the truth. We’ll handle this, okay?”

  I nod. “Thank you. I was so scared to tell you.”

  “Why? Liane, what do I have to do to convince you that I love you? It’s always been just you.”

  “I’m sorry for everything that happened with us before,” I sniffle. “My head wasn’t screwed on right. Do you forgive me?”

  “I forgive you, Liane. Do you forgive me for the way I acted? I was a little crazy, too.” He winks at me, and relief spreads through me. We are going to be okay.

  “Yes, Ronan. Let’s start over, okay?”

  “Let’s start over,” he repeats. ‘Liane Kelly, will you be my girlfriend and the mother of my child?” I bury myself in his chest, the familiarity of him soothing my frayed nerves.

  “Yes,” I answer, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Thank you for not making me do this alone. For loving me.”

  “I’ll love you forever,” he whispers, settling his lips on mine. I hope that’s true.

  “DUDE, ARE YOU okay?” I look at my roommate Joe, not knowing what to tell him. It’s been a week since Liane had come here and changed the trajectory of my entire life with just two words. If it were at all funny, I would laugh at the irony. After everything, a baby is what brought her back to me. I’m going to be a dad. I just got to go live on my own, and now I’m going to be responsible for someone else’s life. Two people’s lives, actually.

  We’re back together. After everything, she’s come back to me. It isn’t lost on me that she could’ve chosen never to tell me, or to run to Blake and say it was his (not that she was that type of person, but still). I’m thankful that she wants me again. After everything I did to Blake (though she would never know all of it, since she doesn’t even want to bring up his name and I’m certainly not going to offer the information), we are going to be together. I’m going home next week, not only to tell my parents but also to be with Liane when she goes to the doctor. She’s still really sick all day, and it’s hard for me to hear how bad she feels. It’s a struggle for her to go to class and get homework done, but she’s determined that having this baby isn’t going to stop her from becoming a teacher. I’m so proud of the woman she’s aspiring to be, and I know she’ll do whatever she sets her mind to doing.

  “Hello? Earth to Ronan? You’ve been like this for a week, dude. What gives?” Joe and I just met when I started school, and he’s a decent guy. A good guy to party with and find girls. One to confide in? Not so sure.

  “Remember my girl Liane that came to visit last week? From home?”

  “Yeah. Your ex? Does Jasmine know she was here?”

  I narrow my eyes at him. “Jasmine is done. She wasn’t anything serious.”

  “Really,” he raises his eyebrows at me. “So you banging her 24/7 in our room and making me sit in the common area isn’t anything, huh? Does she know that?”

  “Joe.” I’m losing my patience. I don’t want to tell him that Jasmine didn’t take the news well and had been crying on my shoulder when I told her it was over, or that she’s called me every day since then to beg me for another chance. She has no idea that Liane is pregnant, because it’s none of her business. Plus, it’s always been Liane for me. Only her. “Never mind. I’m headed out to study.” I grab my bag and walk out. I need to get my head around school so I can be ready to go home. I’m looking forward to spending the time with Liane and figuring out where our lives are headed next.

  “ARE WE TELLING your parents before or after the doctor’s appointment?” Liane asks, her head in my lap. I’ve been home for two days and have successfully avoided having much of a conversation with my parents at all. But that’s all going to change later, because we have to tell them.

  “Let’s go over tonight after the appointment. They’re already planning to have dinner made and I told them you’d be coming, too. We’ll do it then. Will they do an ultrasound today?”

  “I don’t know. Someone’s been reading, huh?”

  “I want to be prepared,” I answer. “How are you feeling?” I put my hand on her stomach. In her sweatpants and tee shirt, you can just make out that she’s a little round. We’re hanging out at her house while we wait on the appointment time. I’ve spent more time here than my own house since I got home. Our bond has never been stronger, even in the two years we dated. While we’re both freaked out and scared, we know we’re in this together and that has made us closer than ever. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. Well, except maybe to wait a few years to be going to this appointment with her. And have a career so I could take care of her and this baby.

  She shrugs. She hates to complain about feeling sick. “Okay. It’s gotten better over the last few weeks, but it’s not great. I’m hoping they’ll give me another medicine that will help. I’m going to go up and get ready, okay? It’s about thirty minutes with traffic and I don’t want to be late.”

  I watch as she goes upstairs. My stomach is a ball of nerves thinking about the appointment and then afterward having to tell my parents.

  “Ronan,” her mom walks into the room. “How are you, son?”

  “I’m okay, Mrs. Kelly. Are you going with us to the appointment today?”

  “No. I’m going to let the two of you go alone. You need this. You’re adults now and have a lot of grown up things coming up, so I’ll leave you to them.” I can’t read her to see if she wants to kill me or not. I think about if Liane’s carrying a girl and later in life I have to deal with this from her. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

  “Thank you for being supportive,” I say, hoping she will cut me some slack. We haven’t been alone since I got home, and if I have to be honest, I’ve been waiting for the axe to come down on my head. Or maybe that’s coming from her father.

  She settles next to me on the couch, and I wish for Liane to hurry. “I love her, just like you do. Am I happy about it? No. I wish things would’ve turned out differen
tly and Liane could be enjoying school instead of having to move home and worry about growing up too fast. But, I know both of you made the mistake. The mistake isn’t just yours, Ronan. And there’s nothing going to come from us beating either of you up over that. We know that you’re probably doing enough of that yourselves.”

  “So her dad isn’t going to kill me?”

  She laughs, reaching over and touching my shoulder. “No one is killing anyone, Ronan. It makes us so sad for both of you, but no one is angry. Having a baby is the best thing that can ever happen to you. But, I’m not going to lie. At your ages, it’s going to be extremely hard. Are you committed to being with Liane? Are you in this for the long haul?”

  I nod. “I’m in, Mrs. Kelly. She’s not ever going to worry about doing this alone, because I’m going to take care of her and my child. I promise.”

  “Then we’re all fine,” she smiles, standing up and heading back to the kitchen. “You be sure to get an extra picture of my grandbaby for my refrigerator, okay?”

  I STARE IN awe at the little image on the screen in front of me. Liane grips my hand, and I know she has tears in her eyes. But I can’t look at her right now because I’m transfixed. The doctor points out the head and the limbs, all so tiny but definitely there. He’s talking, but I have no idea what he’s saying. I hope Liane is listening. I’m so scared, looking at the baby that is part Liane and part me. But I’m also stoked. Who knows if she would’ve ever given me another chance if it weren’t for this, so I silently thank our baby for bringing us back together. I’ll make her happy, I promise to the image of our child. And you, too. We’re going to be a family. I promise.