The Memory of Love

by Tammy Shuttlesworth

  “It does sound sudden,” Sarah murmured.

  “Yes, but it has been worth it. I am a blessed woman, Sarah. But only because I accepted what God gave me as my lot in life.”

  “Can I tell you my story?”

  At Bessie’s nod, Sarah spoke. “I suppose my departure from Schoenbrunn with Levi was just as impulsive. We were enthusiastic about beginning our lives together. To stay at the mission would mean waiting until the elders, my sister, and his parents decided we could wed.”

  “Is that all?”

  “No. I guess we should have done things differently, but Levi had just lost his third niece in a year. He suggested we leave immediately so that he could put some distance between that grief and himself. I went with him because I loved him. After we married, he promised to take care of me until his final day. As you know, that day occurred much earlier than we planned. You and Captain were smart to grasp what joy you could, Bessie. I envy you.”

  “Someday you will find another,” Bessie said. “He may not be what you think you want, but he will fill your heart with his presence. He will draw you into his life without hesitation because he cares about you, perhaps even more than he realizes. If you give him the chance, he will change your life forever.”

  Sarah raised her eyebrows. “I take it you mean Jeremiah?”

  Bessie nodded.

  “I do not think there is much of a chance for that, Bessie. Not with Gemma Winslow around.”

  “Jeremiah is coming to eat with us.” Bessie passed on the news and went to her room to nurse Lizzie.

  Sarah set the table then hurried to change dresses. She hadn’t seen Jeremiah since the day that she refused to offer him any knowledge she had of the missions. Was it possible he missed her and was coming over to see her?

  Drivel! She must be turning soft from sitting around and doing nothing. Even with Rufe coming by in the evenings so that Sarah could teach him his letters, she didn’t have much to occupy otherwise empty hours. Sammy played by himself so much, sometimes Sarah wondered if it was normal.

  To whom could she ask such a question? With Lizzie so young, Bessie wouldn’t know what a child should do at Sammy’s age. Who then? Sarah hadn’t gone out of her way to foster a relationship with any of the women who lived near them. In fact, Sarah realized with a start, Bessie hadn’t either.

  Why not? Sarah concluded that despite Bessie’s insistence otherwise, she must be ashamed of having Sarah and Sammy living with them. Well, Sarah couldn’t change that now, but in the spring she would think about moving on. She’d said this move to Washington County was only temporary in any case.

  Sarah donned the dress made from the emerald material. With the full skirt swirling around her ankles, she moved down the hallway, her heart pounding at the sound of Jeremiah’s voice.

  Sarah listened from the hall as he entertained Bessie and Sammy with tales of something Rufe had told him. They quieted as she arrived.

  “Do not stop because of me,” Sarah said, giving each of them a smile.

  “We are not.” Jeremiah rose and motioned for her to take his seat.

  Sarah gazed at Jeremiah. If she left in search of her sister, she would never see him again. A part of her heart splintered. If only things had worked out differently….

  “I did not get a chance to tell you before, but your dress looks grand.” Jeremiah’s gaze swept the smooth lines of her gown.

  He was, of course, referring to the night she had fled the supper wearing this same garment. Why did she think he would not raise that topic eventually?

  Sarah seated herself where she did not have to look directly at Jeremiah. “I have never apologized for leaving that night….”

  “Perhaps we will have another chance … in times to come.” Jeremiah’s gaze followed Sarah’s hands as she shifted them to her lap.

  “Perhaps,” Sarah replied.

  Jeremiah scooted his chair around so he could face her. “I am sure Bessie told you about the wonderful food the women provided that night.”

  Sarah glanced at Bessie, who sat with Sammy on the floor to help him stack blocks. “No. She only mentioned that Gemma sat with you.”

  “Well, let me see if I can do the supper justice.” Jeremiah did not mention Gemma while he spoke of the roast pork, turkey, potatoes, and vegetables. He ended by saying he devoured several slices of apple, sweet potato, and mincemeat pies.

  “You ate all that?”

  Jeremiah patted his stomach. “It was enough to hold me for a week.”

  “I see. Perhaps I should throw a few more potatoes in the kettle to ensure we have enough stew for tonight,” Sarah teased.

  Bessie cleared her throat, and before Sarah knew it, Bessie rushed Sammy from the room.

  Sarah’s brow narrowed. “Did I say something wrong?”

  “No. Bessie knows that I am about to tell you I cannot stay and eat tonight.”

  “You cannot?” Sarah felt as if every hope she’d ever dreamed was ripped to shreds and laid at her feet.

  Jeremiah traced the line of her jaw with his gaze. “No. We … er … the militia has a campaign. I have to go with them.”

  “I see.” Sarah did not know how much she had looked forward to seeing Jeremiah until he said he was not staying.

  “Do you?” Jeremiah gazed at Sarah, memorizing her looks.

  Her hair was twisted into some sort of fancy arrangement on the back of her neck. Her eyes followed his, as if she were trying to commit to memory what he looked like also. Gemma didn’t look at him like this. Gemma looked at him with marriage in her eyes, no matter how many times Jeremiah told her that he was not interested.

  “Yes, Jeremiah. Above all else, you must uphold your military obligations.”

  Pain clawed at Jeremiah’s heart. He wanted to sit here with Sarah. To watch her as she cooked, or baked, or sewed, or performed one of the hundred other tasks women did in a household. He would give anything for that privilege, regardless of what he had promised after losing Jenny. There came a time when a man took what God sent, thanked Him for the gift, and moved on to enjoy life with that blessing by his side.

  Jeremiah suspected that was why God kept him in uniform in Washington County. So he could heal Sarah’s heart.

  “When do you leave?” Sarah’s words were hesitant.

  Jeremiah shifted his tone so that it was more professional, more appropriate for the task that was about to take him away. If he kept his distance, it would be easier to say farewell.

  “Tonight. I should be back by next Sunday. Certainly no later than Wednesday of the next week.”

  “Is it serious?”

  “It relates to that earlier discussion we had about those Ohio settlements. Have you changed your mind about giving me information?”

  “In a way.” Sarah searched his face. “I can tell you that when I left the Schoenbrunn mission, there were almost two hundred people living there. Most of them were Delaware Indians, people I knew. We considered another settlement downriver our sister settlement. I think there were perhaps half as many there. They were Mohicans, but Christians.”

  “Thank you, Sarah. I have done some thinking lately. I should not have pushed you to tell me things you were not ready to talk about. Please accept my apology.”

  Sarah watched as Jeremiah rubbed his hands together, then she answered, “I should not have been so stubborn. I would have told you, only …”

  “It is all right, Sarah. You did what you thought was best. That is all I hoped for.”

  Their eyes met and held.

  “You will be careful?” Sarah whispered.

  “It is the only way I do business, Sarah.”

  “Do you think it would do any good if I asked God to watch over you?”

  “I think God is waiting for you to talk to Him, Sarah.”

  “I will, then.”

  “I asked Him to guard you, too, Sarah.”

  Sarah gave Jeremiah one of the most beautiful smiles he ever saw adorn a woman’s face.
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  “So many people think I no longer believe. Sometimes I act like I do not, but you know what, Jeremiah? Somewhere deep inside me is the Truth. When you come back, will you help me find it?”

  Chapter 16

  I don’t believe Colonel Williamson actually wants us to do this. The entire territory seems to have gone mad. Protect me, Lord. Be with me now as You’ve never been with me before.

  The petition’s echo was Jeremiah’s only comfort when his commander’s flinty gaze turned on him. “Last chance, Major Stewart. We are waiting.”

  Jeremiah felt the cold penetrate his warmest jacket. He once had wanted to be like David Williamson—bold, well liked, able to make snap decisions. Not anymore.

  Jeremiah met the commander’s glare without hesitation. “I refuse to participate, sir.”

  “You cannot mean that, Major Stewart. I promoted you because you have the potential to be a great leader. These redskins scalped a family. We found the woman’s bloodstained dress among their belongings when we searched their homes.”

  “Leaders do not always make popular decisions, Colonel. I think someone talked them into accepting that dress as part of a trade.”

  The only proof Jeremiah had of that was the startled look on the Indian’s face when one of the militiamen pulled the stained garment out of a basket.

  “This is not their full contingent,” Jeremiah added. “If it were, there would be more than this. These folks were run out of here last fall by the British commander at Fort Detroit. The ones here only came back to collect what was left of last year’s harvest. They could not have made the attacks on our county because they were not here to do it. I tell you, they are innocent.”

  Shade found out more than just tidbits on his last ride. Sure it had been risky sending the courier into parts unknown. The payoff was that Jeremiah now knew another part of God’s design for his life. He was to convince as many as he could not to participate in this act.

  “They are murderers,” Williamson insisted. “They must pay for their crimes.” He pinned Jeremiah with an icy stare. “Do I need to remind you that you are now my second-in-command? You will do as you are ordered. Is that clear?”

  Jeremiah thought back to the militia’s arrival in this quiet Ohio valley. Colonel Williamson promised the Indians protection from the British and ordered them to surrender their weapons. Once they complied, he directed them to two cabins where they now awaited their fate. The background noise of men cleaning and loading weapons muted the hymns being sung by the prisoners not far away.

  Regret surfaced in Jeremiah. There were so many things he should have done since taking over as the vice commander. He would do what he could. Williamson had pushed Jeremiah around for the last nine months. Winning this argument would make Williamson furious, but it was the only one Jeremiah thought worth winning.

  “I will not do it, sir.” Jeremiah spoke loudly, trying to forget what he knew was bound to happen. “There are others who feel as I do also.”

  Silence lapped at the valley’s edge, broken only by a wild animal scurrying through the brush. The other men in the company looked anywhere but at Jeremiah or Williamson.

  “I will not allow you to do this,” Williamson ranted, his chest heaving.

  “You do not have the power to stop me, sir. You told me from the beginning that you would not press me into doing something I did not believe in.”

  “That applied to taking care of things like ordering weapons and such, and you know it. It certainly did not apply to this.”

  “This is what I will have no part in,” Jeremiah asserted. “Nor will any other man who feels it is wrong to take a life. What you do not know, Colonel, is that I posted my resignation to Philadelphia last week. I am no longer a member of your militia, nor am I subject to your rules. There were other names on that letter, too.”

  “That is impossible. I would know if any of these men did not want to be here.” Williamson glared at his group.

  “You are never around,” Jeremiah pointed out. He glanced at the soldiers. “Those who earlier indicated that they wish to stand down may form up over there.” He pointed to a dip in the landscape.

  Shade moved first. Thirteen others followed. They formed a ragged line of rebellion, their faces pale and lined. Jeremiah gave them high marks for upholding their convictions and not lowering themselves to the ranks of those who only wanted to satisfy the fright in their hearts.

  “You cannot do this.” Williamson fastened an icy look on the deserters.

  “We can and we will, sir. This war began with rebels who sought the freedom to worship and who believed that they could make life better. Go ahead with your plan, Colonel. We will pray for their souls, and for yours, for surely there is need of forgiveness here.”

  Williamson jerked on the reins of his horse. “You realize there will be a report on your insolence?”

  Jeremiah nodded. He wasn’t part of the militia any longer, though he wasn’t sure that would protect him. At least this way he could live with himself in the morning.

  “I expect nothing less, sir. It is only fair to tell you that we also posted another letter before we left Washington County. It is a detailed summary to the president of the militia as to your plans for this mission.”

  Color drained from the colonel’s face. He scowled at Jeremiah, as if unsure whether or not to believe him.

  Rufe stepped forward, his stature as straight as an oak. “It is true, sir. I wrote it myself.”

  Jeremiah gave the clerk an encouraging smile before turning back to the commander. “Shoot me if it will make you feel any better, Colonel. If I am gone, perhaps these men will rejoin your army.”

  “You are not worth wasting ammunition on,” the colonel snapped. “Let us go, men. It is our duty to destroy these heathens before they destroy us. Axes to the ready!”

  The men marched toward the cabins, their pace increasing as they topped a small rise. When they were out of sight, Jeremiah realized three more had joined his group, making eighteen total who stood on the side of right. How few they seemed next to the hundred who voted to attack. He had won this argument with the colonel, but his heart filled with sorrow that he had not convinced more to join him.

  Forgive me, Lord, but I did my best.

  Jeremiah gathered the men in a circle and asked them to join hands. “Let us pray.”

  He squeezed the hand next to his and did not continue until he felt the pressure returned from the man on his other side.

  “Lord, grant them immunity from the final horrors of this life as they pass into Your love. Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.”

  As the Ohio wilderness witnessed the destruction of a tribe who had only wanted religious freedom, Jeremiah and his following prayed throughout the night.

  Chapter 17

  You came back.” Sarah grabbed Jeremiah’s arm and drew him into the home, shutting out the frigid evening air.

  “I told you I would help you find God. I do try to keep my promises, Sarah.”

  Sarah ignored the burst of happiness that Jeremiah’s presence created. She sensed that something bothered him. “Was your trip successful?”

  “It did not go exactly as I would like. There are several things I must tell you, Sarah. But for now, I want to hear how you have been.”

  As she took a seat, Sarah tried to push away the nagging fear that squeezed her heart. Jeremiah settled into a chair across from her, pushing his sleeves up as if preparing for battle.

  “You cut your hair, Jeremiah. I thought you were not going to do so until you were out of the militia. Oh, listen to me prattle. I have been fine, but I would rather hear about you, Jeremiah. Tell me everything.”

  “The whole thing may not be such a good idea.”

  Sarah’s stomach sank. “I want to hear it anyway.”

  Jeremiah gave her a small smile. “Indulge me. There are some things I do not feel up to discussing just now.”

  Sarah didn’t push Jeremiah as she migh
t have when she first met him. “Then I will go first. Sammy said his letters from start to finish while you were gone. Bessie and Rufe are doing quite well themselves with reading.”

  Jeremiah’s jaw showed some lessening of the tension he had brought in with him. “I knew Samuel was a quick learner the first time I met him. Any man would be proud to claim him as his son. What else happened?”

  Sarah’s eyes glittered. “Captain and Bessie have studied with me.”

  “The Bible?”

  Sarah nodded. “I know it was wrong to avoid God, but …”

  “You are not ready to return yet,” Jeremiah finished for her. “I understand, but I bet the angels stand ready to rejoice for your soul when you decide to do so.”

  “I do not know about singing; they might just hum.”

  Jeremiah laughed quietly. “Only you, Sarah. Only you.”

  “It has been quiet around here lately,” she said. “Captain said he thinks the cold keeps the savages away. But what about you? The north wind was absolutely horrible here the other night. I wondered if you stayed warm and had enough to eat.”

  “I managed to survive. Quiet is good. I suppose if they do not send out detachments to look for rebels, that is a sign the militia is doing something right.”

  “Is that the only thing you care about, Jeremiah?”

  “Not anymore.”

  “Not any—I do not understand.”

  “I am no longer a part of them.”

  “That is … good to hear,” Sarah admitted.

  Jeremiah spoke in a broken whisper. “As hard as I tried, I could not do what the colonel ordered. I kept thinking of you, Sarah. I knew you would never forgive me if I went along with the campaign.”

  A burst of happiness filled Sarah’s heart. Jeremiah had thought of her while he was gone! She composed herself.

  “I am the last person you should worry about,” Sarah reminded him. “You should know that by now.”

  Jeremiah’s voice was low and smooth. “I do, but there are some things in life I cannot control. One of them is that I worry about you.”