Christmas at the Palace

by Jeevani Charika

Lucy didn’t speak for a few seconds.

  ‘Please, Lucy.’ Kumari could hear the tears in her voice. She needed to see someone who understood her. To feel normal for one evening. No one knew her better than Lucy. She had neglected her friend lately. She really hoped Lucy could forgive her.

  There was a small noise, like Lucy was clicking her tongue. ‘OK, fine. Where?’

  ‘Somewhere where I can sit in a dark corner and not be recognised.’

  Lucy thought for a bit. ‘Pub or cocktail bar?’

  ‘Either.’ Kumari tried to think of places she’d been to that would fit the bill.

  ‘I know. Hang on, I’m going to send you a Google location for a pub. It’s got a downstairs which has little alcoves. It’s very cosy and private,’ Lucy said. ‘I’ll be there in half an hour.’

  ‘I’ll have to sneak out, so it’ll take a bit longer for me.’ She went back to her rooms and put on her old jeans and a jumper. Just wearing her old clothes made her feel better. She pulled on a waterproof over her clothes. The drizzle outside gave her an excuse to keep her hood up. She pulled a beanie hat low over her forehead. There. She looked like anyone else. It took her a moment to think where she’d put her purse. She didn’t need to carry money when she was with Ben. Things seemed to magically get paid for, although she suspected some of it was paid for by Dave and claimed back on expenses. She checked how much cash she had. Enough to get a cab one way. She’d have to get to a cashpoint before she went to the pub. She called and ordered a cab, giving the address of the gatehouse on the ‘public’ side of the estate. She checked the corridor and, remembering Ophelia’s advice to ‘own it’, walked out with her head held high. No one challenged her. The cab was waiting for her by the time she walked down the drive to the sentry gate.

  *

  It was very strange being on the street without people noticing her. Kumari felt like she had a target on her back. She went over to the cashpoint and had to fight the urge to look furtively over her shoulder. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. She got her money and crossed over to the pub. In the basement, there were semi-secluded booths. People sat in small groups, chatting. She risked lowering her hood. Nobody took any notice of her. Looking round, she spotted Lucy sitting in a booth, waving to her.

  Lucy had already bought a bottle of white wine and two glasses.

  ‘Oh, you’re a star.’ Kumari handed over some money without needing to ask how much she owed. They had done this often enough in the past, albeit in different pubs.

  ‘So, how’s it all going? How’s the . . . er . . . training going?’

  ‘There’s so much to remember,’ said Kumari. ‘Oh, hang on.’ She rearranged her sitting position, scooting forward in her seat, pressing her knees and ankles together and placing her hands, one folded over the other, on the table. She raised her eyebrows. ‘What do you think?’

  Lucy peered round the side of the table at her legs. ‘Nice. That’s quite impressive, actually. You look taller.’

  ‘I know, right?’ She picked the wine glass up by the stem and took a delicate sip. ‘The really weird thing is that his sisters have been doing this their whole lives, so they do it even when they’re just chilling.’

  Lucy smiled. ‘Sounds interesting.’

  Interesting? Yes, that was one way to describe it. There were plenty of other words too. Soul-destroying being one of them. Kumari put her glass down carefully. ‘I suppose,’ she said. ‘But spending hours with different people who take apart everything you do and tell you how you’ve been doing it wrong all your life is not as much fun as it sounds.’

  Lucy nodded. ‘I know. Your mom told me.’

  So Amma was still phoning the flat and talking to Lucy. While Kumari had been losing the things that defined her one by one, normal life carried on. Without her. She felt the tightness rise in her chest. She took a deep breath and found that her breath didn’t go past her sternum. Even her lungs were rebelling.

  ‘I gather the visit from your parents didn’t go well.’ Lucy put her hand out and covered Kumari’s. ‘Are you OK?’

  Her sympathy undid Kumari. Another deep breath. This one was released as a strangled sob. She pressed her lips together to stop them trembling. Her eyes filled with tears. She shook her head.

  ‘Oh, honey.’ Lucy scooted over to come and sit next to her. She put an arm around Kumari and gave her a squeeze.

  ‘Talk to me. Tell me all about it.’

  It all came out. The pressure to conform, the way people ignored her unless she was standing right next to Benedict, the awful realisation that her parents would never feel comfortable in that environment, that she would never be able to work or just pop down to the shops without an escort. The suspicion of tokenism. And the terrible, terrible fear that everyone else was right after all. That she wasn’t a suitable bride for a prince.

  Lucy listened, interrupting occasionally to ask a question or to give her an extra hug. When Kumari had finally poured everything out and was steady enough to start drinking her wine, Lucy said, ‘Do you feel better now you’ve spoken to someone?’

  Did she? ‘Not really. I mean, it’s nice that all of it’s not just echoing round in my head. But it’s still there and it’s all still crap.’ She pulled a handkerchief out of her handbag and wiped her eyes.

  ‘A hanky?’ said Lucy. ‘Fancy.’

  Kumari stared at it. When had she acquired hankies instead of tissues? Ophelia had given her some as a gift. She opened it out, it had a K embroidered in the corner. Oh God, they were infiltrating her without her even realising. The ball of panic in her chest rose higher.

  She turned to Lucy. ‘I don’t even know who I am anymore.’

  Lucy looked at her gravely. ‘Kumari, I hate to say this, but that is what you would be choosing if you marry Ben. You can’t be as you were and be his wife at the same time in public. But you can still be you in private.’ She pushed her hair back. ‘I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I’m afraid it’s true.’

  Kumari slumped back in her seat and laid her head back. At the back of her mind, Mrs Pilding tutted at the lack of decorum. ‘So much for living the dream,’ she said. She looked sideways at her best friend. ‘You know, I’m sorry. This was your dream. I always feel a bit bad that I ended up with your dream boyfriend.’

  Lucy laughed. ‘I’ve heard some messed-up things from you, Kumari, but that is the stupidest thing yet.’ She took a big sip of wine. ‘Anyway, from what you’ve just told me, you’re welcome to that life.’

  They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes. Kumari wondered how long it had been since she was able to do that. Just sit. And think.

  ‘Do you still love him?’ Lucy asked suddenly.

  ‘Yes.’ She didn’t need to question that. She never tired of his smile.

  ‘Do you love him enough to stick with the rest of the crap?’

  Her heart pounded in her ears. ‘I don’t know.’ She raised her eyes to Lucy, begging for help. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Then that is what we need to work out.’

  They stayed in the pub and ate chips and talked, quietly, because you never knew who was in the next booth. No matter how they dissected the problem, there was no way around it. She had to give up her old life entirely if she was to make a new life with Ben. Eventually, exhausted, they changed topics and Kumari asked Lucy about work. Lucy gave her a run-through of the gossip. Of what people had been saying about her. About the dishy new surgeon who was even more attractive than the one Lucy had had her eye on before. All this made Kumari crave her old normality even more.

  They were debating getting more chips, when Kumari’s mobile rang.

  ‘It’s Ben. Where are you?’

  A bolt of guilt shot through her. She had sneaked out. That probably wasn’t allowed. ‘I’m in the pub, with Lucy,’ she said.

  ‘In the pub? Where?’

  ‘Central London,’ she said cautiously.

  Ben cursed. ‘Seriously? Tell me where you are. I
’ll send someone over.’

  ‘What? I don’t want you to send someone over. I want to sit in the pub and have a drink with my friend.’

  ‘Kumari . . .’ She had heard that tone of voice before. She’d heard it that night when he stormed off and demanded a statement be issued asking the press to stop harassing her. Shit.

  ‘Look,’ he said. ‘We can’t have this discussion now. Please get yourself back to somewhere safe and we’ll talk about it later.’

  She didn’t want to do either of those things. She wondered what would happen if she just hung up.

  ‘Kumari, please. You’ve been the target of racist hate mail and death threats. You can easily be the target of a hate crime. Just tell me where you are and I’ll send Dave over. Don’t make me ask Dave to track you down.’

  Lucy, who could clearly overhear what he was saying, mouthed ‘go’.

  Kumari sighed. ‘Fine. We’ll talk about it when I get back.’ She gave him the name of the pub.

  ‘Stay where you are,’ he said. ‘Dave will come and get you.’ Kumari hung up and looked at Lucy, who stuck out her bottom lip and filled Kumari’s glass up to the brim.

  ‘How long have we got?’ she said.

  Kumari shrugged. ‘Dunno. Dave’s like some sort of ninja. I wouldn’t be surprised if he could teleport.’ They both looked at the door to the basement room.

  ‘So . . . when you said you felt trapped. This is what you meant?’ said Lucy.

  ‘Yeah. It sounds so ridiculous to complain. It’s a lovely place. Ben’s so nice. I don’t need anything . . .’

  ‘But that’s not who you are, is it? You’re used to being your own person. Doing what you want, when you want. Being free . . . in the most basic sense of the word.’

  ‘And work,’ said Kumari. ‘God, I miss work.’ She looked sideways to Lucy. ‘I even miss A & E.’

  ‘Even puke nights?’

  She smiled, it was surprisingly hard, like she’d worn her smiling muscles out. ‘Well, OK, maybe not puke nights.’

  Lucy looked thoughtfully at the wine bottle and started to pick at the corner of the label. ‘If you were to do your dream job, what would it be?’

  Kumari thought for a minute. ‘I’d go back to Lesotho and run the training sessions for Boost Her! I don’t know if it’s been funded yet. They don’t announce it for a few more weeks.’

  Lucy looked like she was going to say something, but seemed to change her mind.

  ‘What?’ asked Kumari.

  Lucy shook her head. ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Were you going to point out that I can’t have that and be with Ben at the same time?’

  Lucy continued to pick at the wine label. ‘You know that already.’

  Kumari felt the enormity of her choices. ‘I want both. I love him and I love my work. Oh, Lucy, what am I going to do?’ She put her head in her hands.

  ‘Maybe you need a break. Go somewhere. Work things out.’

  Chapter 22

  The Daily Watch

  Is this the beginning of the end for the monarchy?

  Prince Benedict has officially announced his relationship with Asian immigrant Kumari Senavaka. Senavaka, a ‘doctor’ in the NHS, hails from near Leeds. She grew up just a stone’s throw from the notorious suburb of Beeston, one of the worst car theft hotspots in Britain.

  The prince met his future girlfriend at a charity event where onlookers say that Senavaka was openly flirtatious while speaking to the prince. Their next meeting was supposedly organised by mutual friends.

  It’s well known that northern women are more free with their sexual favours. It is not difficult to see how the prince could have been seduced by this exotic northern beauty.

  Picture: Senavaka at the charity function where she lured the prince. [Photo credit: Greg Frankish]

  Ben was waiting for her in the main stairwell when she got back. ‘Thank goodness.’ He gathered her to him in a hug. She hugged him back, and tried to make it convincing, but all she could think about was that she was stuck back here again. Ben thanked Dave and led Kumari back to her rooms. She marched into her bedroom and stashed her purse away. She had money now. Enough to get away if she needed to.

  He followed her and sank onto the bed. ‘Please don’t do that to me again.’

  ‘All I did was go out for drink, Ben.’ She stayed where she was, fighting the urge to cross her arms.

  ‘But you can’t do that sort of thing anymore. Not without security.’

  ‘You can’t,’ she said. ‘Not me. I got there and nothing happened.’

  ‘This time,’ he said. ‘Once we announce the engagement, the public interest is going to get worse. I’m sorry, but you have to take this seriously.’

  She put her hands on her hips. ‘Take this seriously? You want me to take this seriously? I gave up my job. I moved out of my flat. I’m letting people choose my clothes for me. I’m taking bloody elocution lessons. Tell me, Benedict, how is that not taking this seriously?’

  He raised his hands. ‘Kumari—’ He sighed and dropped his hands onto his knees. ‘This is how it has to be. I warned you. You knew what you were getting into.’

  ‘I didn’t understand the extent of it. Ben, my parents told me, when I first took that leap of faith to be with you, that I would always have a home with them. But that home has been under attack for weeks. And they genuinely believe that they will lose me to you and your family. And you know what? They’re right. They’ll never fit in here with the “darling, how many horses have you bought this week” set. We’re not like you. This . . .’ She threw her hands up in the air. ‘This whole thing. It’s completely ridiculous.’ Tears sprang up again. Annoyed, she flicked them away. ‘I can’t do this.’

  Ben stared at her, his hands gripping his knees. ‘What do you mean, you can’t do this?’

  ‘This. All of it. I thought I could deal with it all. I thought loving you would carry me through it somehow.’ She shook her head and fat tears rolled down her cheeks.

  ‘But I can’t. Being watched all the time. Being judged. Not being able to do any real work. I don’t want to be some sort of parasite on the state, making speeches and cutting ribbons and living in a palace at other people’s expense. I’m not used to being on this side of charity. I should be out there. At the sharp end of things. Making a difference to people’s lives.’

  For a second, there was silence. Ben’s fingers flexed against his knees. ‘Parasites?’ he said quietly. ‘Is that how you think of us?’

  Oh shit. She’d just been really rude about his family.

  ‘I didn’t mean—’

  ‘Yes, you did,’ he said. He didn’t look at her. His gaze was fixed on a spot at her feet. ‘Let me tell you about being at the sharp end of things.’ His eyes finally lifted and they were blazing. ‘I spent two years on the front line. I saw my friends get shot. I saw places razed to the ground by bombing. I was at the sharp end of things and it didn’t make a blind bit of difference to anyone’s life other than make things worse. But Helena – you know, my sister who makes speeches and cuts ribbons – Helena was the figurehead for an official visit to the area. They had a state dinner that meant that two key figures in the region had to be in the same room together. They showed up and behaved themselves because they wanted to meet the princess. Six months later, they negotiated a ceasefire and UN access. That would never have happened if they hadn’t met at that dinner. In one evening, just by being there, Helena made a difference to thousands of people and made their lives less miserable. Don’t you dare call my family parasites.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, I—’ She brought her hands up to her face. They were shaking.

  Ben let out a shaky sigh. ‘Kumari, I understand that this has been a difficult few months for you. But if that’s the way you feel about things then perhaps it’s as well we found out now.’

  She could feel the gap opening up between them. She could close it. All she had to do was pretend that she could cope. But she couldn�
��t. Even if she pushed through it now, the pressure wouldn’t disappear. It would come back, again and again, until it broke her. He was right. It was better they found out now, before they formally announced their engagement and it was too late to back out.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Ben. I just can’t do this. To be with you, I’d have to become someone completely different. I don’t think I can.’ She pushed down a sob. ‘I’m so sorry.’

  He dropped his gaze back to the floor and nodded.

  ‘I know.’ He rubbed a hand over his eyes. ‘I can’t keep you trapped here if you don’t want to be here. I understand how it can feel oppressive. I don’t have a magic solution to make it better.’

  ‘I do love you . . .’ she said.

  ‘But not enough.’

  They looked at each other and the gap between them widened. She wanted to reach out and hold him, but that was no longer allowed. Ten minutes ago, he had been her lover. Her Ben. Now he was a prince. Out of her league because she was just a nobody. A foolish nobody who had given up her job.

  ‘So, I guess this is it,’ he said. He sounded so sad, her already broken heart broke a little more.

  ‘I guess so.’ The tears flowed freely now. She made no effort to stop them. They dripped off her chin and onto her jumper. ‘Ben,’ she said. ‘I didn’t mean that about your sisters. Or you. You guys are great. I was angry and—’

  ‘Yes.’ He stood up and walked to the door. She took a step towards him.

  ‘Look, Kumari, are you sure about this? Because if this happens, there’s no undoing it. Once the press finds out they will hound you to find out why. I’ll do what I can, but I can’t protect you out there.’

  She nodded. ‘I know. I’ll . . . go to ground somewhere for a bit.’

  He looked at her with pain in his eyes. ‘Where will you go?’

  ‘My parents’ place first,’ she said. Because where else could she go but home?

  ‘That’s the first place people will look.’

  ‘We’ll be OK.’

  He nodded. ‘I’ll do my best to keep it out of the papers for a while. In case . . .’ He sighed. ‘I won’t try to contact you. But if . . . if you change your mind, call me.’ His hand moved as though to touch her, but he dropped it back down to his side. ‘Forrest will arrange a vehicle for you.’