The Life She Wants

by J. M. Hewitt

  She flattened herself against the wall, looked left, right. Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. Was it First Officer Patrick Duane, coming back for her, armed with evidence of her crime?

  She pushed herself off the wall and stood straight as the elevator doors swished open and a man strolled out.

  Tommy.

  She smiled with relief. He looked at her, and his face lit up.

  ‘Hi,’ she said cautiously, in case Paula was in the lift.

  ‘Anna, where are you going at this time of night?’ he said.

  He was slurring a little, but not too much. Just drunk enough, she thought.

  ‘Thought I’d take a walk, see if the Northern Lights are on display,’ she replied. ‘Unless you want to join me for a drink in my suite?’

  His eyes darted to the closed door of the Expedition Suite, and she caught his thought. Paula was in there, sleeping or, more likely, unable to sleep, waiting for the return of her wandering husband.

  ‘Shall we go up on deck?’ she said softly.

  He nodded, reached back and pressed the button for the lift. A scratching noise came from one of the nearby rooms. The sound of a safety chain being released.

  Anna slipped past Tommy, brushing his side as she walked smartly into the lift. With one last glance down the hallway, he followed her inside.

  He was all over her as soon as the lift doors closed. Hands grabbing roughly at her shoulders, hips and waist. He was drunker than she’d thought, she acknowledged, as he shoved her hard against the mirrored wall.

  She caught sight of her reflection, her cheeks flushed, hat askance, and she seemed so small in comparison to his big frame. She liked that, the sensation of being tiny, helpless, in need of a man like Tommy. It wasn’t true, she’d never needed protecting in the physical sense, but it felt good to fool him.

  The elevator juddered to a halt. Tommy pulled away from her, stabbed at the buttons, no doubt to keep the lift where it was so he could carry on pawing at her. But the doors opened, and Anna ducked under his arm and out onto the deck.

  He stared at her, confused, before staggering out to join her.

  She walked the length of the ship in the freezing night air, a few feet ahead of him, glancing back every so often to see if he was still following her. She paused, looking up, as a streak of white light raced across the sky, arcing over her head. A trail from the Leonids. As the shooting star blazed and faded where the sky met the sea, she recalled the notification that had pinged through on the app tonight. Behind her, Tommy’s heavy tread sounded, announcing his approach, and she turned to watch him.

  The bitter air seemed to sober him rapidly, leaving him blinking at her, his hand scratching his face as if he couldn’t understand how he had come to be out here.

  ‘I think you’re really something,’ he said, catching her up. He stood a few feet away, no longer buoyed by the shield of booze. He didn’t look cautious, or shy. He looked like he had done this dozens of times before.

  Like a fish, he was hooked. She grinned and shimmied her way over to him. She had to play it carefully now; she mustn’t just hand it all over so he was sated. He needed to be left wanting more; he had to desire her in a way that was more than just a quick fumble.

  She lowered her face coyly, buying time as she considered her next steps. They would get off the ship tomorrow in Iceland, and she still had things to think about apart from Tommy. Paula for one, and Patrick Duane, the officer who had questioned her about Mark.

  Remembering the officer and his attitude towards her, she turned to the rail and climbed up, leaning over, scanning the ship for any sign of CCTV cameras. Because if Patrick came at her, that would be all he had apart from his suspicions, and if there was no security on the external parts of the ship, she was free and clear.

  ‘You need to be careful,’ said Tommy, alarmed.

  His arms circled her upper body and with ease he plucked her off the railing and set her down.

  ‘I’m just enjoying the view,’ she said calmly, but her insides churned with anger at his macho heroics.

  Then, behind him, it happened. The sky on the horizon changed, a gradual lightening above. It was like a sunrise, but the wrong colour. It burned emerald green, a glow that shimmered in the far distance, seemingly alive as it stretched upwards and outwards. It was growing, she saw, and even before it had really begun, she knew it was going to be a spectacular show.

  She gripped Tommy’s arm, pushing at him so he turned around. His breath caught in his throat as steadily the Northern Lights crawled towards them. Graphite and slate now, with piercing vibrations of fuchsia, and the whole thing suddenly pulsated, shooting across the previously black night sky.

  In spite of the promise of the lights, that wasn’t why Anna had come on this cruise. This was a business trip, another episode in a long line of getting to where she needed to be. But at the moment when the lights burst across the atmosphere, everything she had fought and killed for fell away. Beneath her coat, in between her thin ribs, she felt her heart hammering in her chest. It was awe but mixed with fear, she acknowledged. Because this show was out of this world, and just like in the elevator with Tommy, she was suddenly tiny and insignificant.

  ‘Oh yes,’ Tommy hissed the words from between clenched teeth. ‘Yesss!’

  She wanted to tell him to shut up, not to spoil it with speech, but as she glanced at him, something else overwhelmed her. He was like a child, she realised, and it didn’t annoy or irritate her as she’d thought. It was actually quite endearing.

  Another unfamiliar emotion.

  She breathed in deeply, flicking her head from left to right and upwards, over to the horizon, determined to see it all, not to miss a single moment.

  The door opened, and there were footsteps and excited chatter as more passengers flooded out. One of them could be Paula. It was a half-thought, not important, and a glance at Tommy’s face told her he felt the same.

  The guests streamed past them, exclamations of delight in their wake. Anna tilted her head back and stared and stared. She closed her eyes for a moment, and in the darkness she was delighted to find that the Northern Lights were imprinted inside her lids.

  A hand brushed hers: Tommy. She let him take her fingers in his own, and tuned out everyone else on the deck. As they stood together, the freezing cold was no longer a factor. She was warm, she realised, inside and out, and everything else slipped away: the officer who was suspicious of her; Mark, for whom his colleagues were still searching; her photo in the paper, wanted in connection with William’s death. And Paula. For however long this went on, none of it mattered.

  She smiled.

  As though the lights were a message just for her, she suddenly knew exactly how she was going to handle Paula.

  * * *

  Paula’s plan had been to sit up and wait for Tommy to return. Regardless of what he had or hadn’t done with Anna, she always felt safe with him. And knowing, or suspecting, that there was a killer next door was something that filled her with fear and dread.

  She needed him here, in the suite, even if he wasn’t speaking to her. Just the bulk of him would do. And she didn’t want to go looking for him. He would return to the room when he was done drinking with his buddies.

  Still in her coat and boots, she sat primly on the chair by the window. To pass the time, she pulled back the curtain and looked at the stars. It was a clear night, and maybe the Northern Lights would put in an appearance.

  Letting the curtain fall, she rested her head against the back of the chair, allowed herself to close her eyes. Just for a minute, because she needed to stay alert, on guard…

  * * *

  The click of the door awoke her, sounding like a gunshot in the silence of the cruise ship. Gasping, she sat up straight, spinning around in her chair, her eyes seeking something, anything to use against the intruder. She snatched up the fruit bowl and raised it above her head as she pushed herself to a standing position to see…

  Tommy.

>   He had his back to her as he held onto the door and removed his boots one by one. She put the fruit bowl back on the table before he could see it.

  ‘You’re awake,’ he said as he turned around and took off his coat. ‘Did you see them?’

  She glanced at her watch and saw that it was almost five a.m. ‘Did I see who?’ she asked.

  He grinned, and it took her aback. The years seemed to have fallen away from him; she hadn’t seen him looking this way for a long time.

  ‘The Northern Lights!’ he exclaimed. He moved fast, covering the suite in a few strides, and threw back the curtains.

  She stepped up beside him and peered out. The sky was dark, but the stars were bright. No lights.

  ‘I didn’t see them,’ she said. She felt oddly disappointed.

  ‘Oh, Paula, they were amazing,’ he breathed. ‘The colours… they started on the horizon, and then they were everywhere. They filled the whole sky.’

  She sat back down in the chair. ‘Who were you out there with?’

  He was facing away from her, still gazing outside as though the lights were going to appear again at any minute. His back stiffened. ‘The lads,’ he said. ‘Dermot and Angus and a few of the others were there.’

  He threw her a look, and she saw she had ruined his high. She hadn’t even mentioned Anna’s name, but he knew that was what she was really asking him.

  He went back across the suite and stooped to pick up his coat from the floor. Paula’s breathing quickened. He had just got back, he couldn’t leave her again. Not alone, not in this suite, not with her next door.

  ‘Where are you going?’ she asked, and then, in case he thought she was nagging, ‘Can I come with you?’

  He shrugged, and she took this as a yes as she pulled on her boots and grabbed her jacket from the peg. He was still in a mood, she saw, and he had been intending on going wherever he was headed alone. To see her?

  She shivered, in spite of the warmth of the cabin, and followed him to the door.

  Soon they would be in Iceland.

  Soon she would have some sort of idea on how to go about reporting her suspicions about Anna to someone in authority.

  And the sooner Anna was taken away, the sooner she would have Tommy back where he belonged. Until then, she would stick by his side.

  Chapter 21

  They walked around the upper deck twice, Tommy forging ahead, Paula a good two steps behind. In her haste to follow her husband, she had forgotten her gloves, and she shoved her hands deep in her pockets.

  ‘No sign of the storm yet,’ she called to him once the silence had gone on for too long.

  Tommy stopped at the bow of the ship and leaned on the railing. She caught up with him and watched as he scanned the skies, his eyes glittering dark in the moonlight.

  ‘It’s coming,’ he said.

  She laughed and moved up to stand beside him. ‘Can you smell it?’ she asked.

  He looked up and breathed in deeply. With an exaggerated glance at her, he nodded. ‘I think I can.’ Then he laughed too, and it was like a light being flipped. His mood had turned. She leaned into him and hooked her arm through his.

  ‘What shall we do when we dock?’ she asked as they began to walk again.

  He looked down at her. ‘What do you want to do?’

  ‘I don’t know, what are the options?’

  She half listened as he reeled off the various excursions, and what Dermot and Angus had suggested, with them having been here before.

  She knew how it would go anyway. This was how they worked. He appeared to offer her some suggestions; she knew well enough that the first things he mentioned were what he was keen to do. Then, when asked for her opinion, she would obediently go with what he wanted.

  She slowed her step as she thought about it, this habit of their marriage. Julie’s words spun in her head: Don’t lose yourself. But she wasn’t, was she? Surely she was just putting her husband first, like a good wife should?

  But when do you get to be put first?

  The thought popped into her head, unbidden. Uncomfortably, she pushed it away. She fixed a smile on her face as Tommy talked on. She should be happy; she should be relieved.

  Her husband was back.

  And all that with Anna, what she had seen in the casino… Anna was a slut, and Tommy had been drunk, but after this holiday was over, they would never have to see the wretched woman again. All Paula had to do was keep a close eye on Tommy, make sure she stayed close to him so he wouldn’t be tempted. After all, he was only human.

  But what about the other stuff? The old man who had died? No, not died – been killed! And the photo that looked so very much like Anna?

  But the same thought came back to her: that after this trip they would never have to clap eyes on her again.

  She nodded to herself and pulled Tommy closer.

  ‘Shall we get some breakfast?’ she said.

  * * *

  In her cabin, Anna pulled Mark’s phone out of her bag and switched it on. The battery was still half full, and on the locked screen a zigzagging pattern was visible, a greasy fingerprint track. She followed it with her own finger, allowing herself a smile as the phone unlocked.

  Sipping at a glass of water, she scrolled through his texts. There was a string of them between himself and Patrick; the officer was in Mark’s address book as Pat D. There was nothing friendly or sociable, she noted, just work instructions, rotas, destinations and times of departure.

  She read through his previous messages, studying the tone he used, abbreviations – numbers used as words, which she personally hated – and when she was sure she had the inflection right, she typed out a text to Patrick.

  So sorry for leaving you in the lurch, i had 2 leave the ship 4 personal reasons. Sorry again, Pat, will call when i can.

  She read through it and pressed the send key before she could change her mind. She was about to switch the phone off and put it away when she had another thought.

  She put her own name in his phone and typed out another text.

  Annie thank u for being a gr8 friend. Cant go home yet but will text soon x

  She sent it through, waiting until her own phone beeped before turning his off and pushing it deep into the bottom of her bag. When she got off the ship in Iceland, she would dump the phone, along with everything else incriminating. It would all be gone, buried in the snow, and none of it could ever be traced back to her.

  Feeling better, she stood up and went in search of First Officer Patrick Duane.

  * * *

  She moved through the restaurant, recoiling at the stench of the buffet. The grease, the bacon, the eggs… it was like being back at William’s house. In contrast to her disgust, her stomach growled noisily, betraying her.

  Across the room she saw him, Tommy, alone with just a mug of coffee for company. She slowed down, smiling now, and considered diverting over to him.

  Last night, or rather in the early hours of this morning, when the light show had finished, they had waited until the crowds had drifted away from the upper deck before parting ways.

  ‘See you tomorrow?’ he had asked hopefully, looking boyish and love-struck.

  She had softened her eyes as she gazed at him, fully in character, and nodded.

  Well, now it was tomorrow, and he was clearly alone. She thought of Paula in her suite, no doubt bouncing from teary and emotional to furious and hurt.

  She took a step forward. Behind her, someone swished past. A murmured ‘excuse me’, and obediently, on reflex, Anna stepped out of the way. A waft of fried food trailed in the person’s wake, and she breathed in sharply as the woman wove through the tables towards Tommy.

  Paula.

  She watched as Paula put a plate down in front of Tommy. He grinned up at his wife; in response, she plucked a piece of bacon from his plate. He snatched it back, laughing now, and she gave up the mock fight, sitting down next to him, so close their sides were touching.

  What the fuck?! Anna
knew her eyes were blazing, her stance stiff like ice.

  She turned and fled before they could look up and see her, knowing that the ferocity showed in her face, her nails biting the skin of her palms as she hurried as fast as she could away from the restaurant.

  * * *

  ‘Officer… Patrick!’

  She spotted him on the bottom deck, tall and authoritative in his heavy woollen coat, the gold insignia on his sleeve gleaming in the weak sunshine. He stooped slightly in order to hear what the passengers he was chatting to were saying.

  The wind had picked up, she noted; the promised storm was coming. And Patrick hadn’t heard her as he bade goodbye to the couple and walked on.

  ‘Patrick!’ She broke into a run, her breathing laboured as she charged on down the deck.

  He’d heard her now, she knew that from the single moment of hesitation in his stride, but he kept on going anyway. She swore quietly, a stream of profanities, before realising it was making it even more difficult to run. She clamped her mouth closed, put her head down and thundered after him.

  ‘Patrick.’ She caught at his sleeve, panting, sweat running freely down her face, despite the harsh wind that whipped up around them.

  He looked down at her, eyes penetrating, and she shivered. This man was so very different to all the others she had encountered. William, Tommy, Mark; a hint of bare flesh and a promise of what was to come and they were putty in her hands. Not this one. Not First Officer Patrick Duane.

  ‘I-I got a text,’ she wheezed, pulling her phone out of her pocket and waving it at him. ‘I got a text from Mark.’

  He regarded her steadily, much like he had in her cabin the other night. But then his eyes had been distrustful, knowing, triumphant. Now, they seemed resigned.

  ‘Ah, Mark. Yes, I also got a text from him.’