by Linnea May
Lila
What the hell was that last night?
My heart was still pounding wildly when I finally reached the safety of my home. I locked the door to my apartment, even engaging the security lock that—ironically—Jim bought when his mother was convinced we’d moved into a bad neighborhood.
I never thought I’d ever use it to protect myself from him. And it was probably needless anyway, because I asked him for the keys when he moved out. But in my state of paranoia, it didn’t seem completely out of the question that he might still have a spare I didn’t think of. The security lock, however, could only be opened from the inside.
I was close to tears, unraveled and still in shock about what happened. All my contemplating about where I stand with Kade suddenly seemed so silly, and so far away.
God, how much I wanted him to be with me last night.
I wished I didn’t have to send him away, but I’m still convinced it was the right thing to do before they ended up in a fistfight. There was too much built-up tension poisoned with a heavy dose of testosterone, a blend that could’ve easily exploded and taken the whole situation out of my hands. I was only in control as long as they didn’t get physical. Sending Kade away prevented such an escalation. I was glad I did it.
Until I realized my phone was gone.
I needed a few breaths to calm down, and after I did, my first impulse was to let Kade know I was okay. I reached into my purse, searching for my phone. But it wasn’t there.
I knew I had it with me that night, because I always have my phone on me. I never leave the house without it.
I couldn’t remember if I took it out at some point during the evening, but if I did, it was probably at the restaurant. Maybe I’d left it there? Maybe it’d fallen out of my purse somewhere? It could be in Kade’s car, too.
Or someone stole it. But where and when? I doubt there were any pickpockets at such an upscale restaurant.
Not being able to contact Kade drove me crazy, but there was nothing I could do about it. I don’t know his phone number by heart, and I don’t have his e-mail or any other way to contact him.
And I was so freaking tired last night that I decided to let future-Lila deal with it. I needed to get some sleep because, boy trouble or not, I still needed to show up at work.
When I got ready this morning, there was another thing that caught my eye and that probably could’ve been prevented if I hadn’t sent Kade away.
I’m still wearing the collar—and I have no way of taking it off.
A new wave of panic washed over me, and I even considered calling in sick for the day, because there’s no way I could show up at the office like this. The collar’s small and elegant, but it still stands out, and it’s obvious that it’s not a regular necklace, even to the unsuspecting eye.
The only thing I could think of to hide the telltale piece of jewelry was to opt for my short-sleeved turtleneck dress
“He treats you like a fucking dog.”
Of all the things Jim said, those words echo the loudest inside my head, awakening doubts that might’ve hidden in some corner of my mind ever since I started playing with Kade.
Am I going too far? Are we going too far? Was Jim right when he said my family worries about me? When did he even talk to Elene? And why did she never tell me about it? Is she keeping secrets?
“Morning.”
Sybil’s piping voice cuts into my train of thought, forcing me to return to reality for a moment to greet her as I reach my desk. I give her an innocent smile, trying to appear worry-free. “Morning to you.”
“Had a good weekend?” she asks, smirking. I know she’s still waiting to hear anything juicy regarding my love life, but today is certainly not the right day to let her in on any of that.
I just nod, still smiling as I open my e-mail inbox to get started with my tasks for the day. “Yes, very relaxing. You?”
Sybil’s response is much longer than mine, but I can barely hear her as she chats away, my focus sucked away from her by what shows up on my screen.
It’s an e-mail from Jim. To my work e-mail. Why the hell would he write to me? And why to this address?
The message has no subject, but there are attachments. My pulse races as I open the e-mail, curious and scared to find out what’s inside.
A part of me was naive enough to think it could be an apology for last night. But it’s not. Not at all.
It’s a threat.
Did he do this? Are you proud of this?
What sane person would let anyone do this to them?
You obviously need help, Lila. And since I can’t reason with you, I’ll do it the hard way.
Get out of it. Stop seeing that maniac. I can help you. We can get through this together.
End it, or I’ll send these pictures to everyone in your family—and call the police on the fucking monster who did this to you.
My heart almost stops as my eyes follow the hateful lines again and again, a terrible realization sinking in as I dare to click on one of the attachments. A picture pops up, one I took of myself a day after Kade flogged me so hard it left me bloody and bruised for days. I close it as quickly as possible, jerking my gaze over my shoulder to see if anyone’s spying on me. However, I should’ve been paying attention to what was right in front of me.
“Are you okay?” Sybil asks from across the desk. “Jesus, girl, you look pale as a ghost. What happened?”
She’s about to jump up from her chair, but I stop her by raising my hand in a reassuring manner.
“No, no, I’m fine, I just…,” I murmur, trying to think on my feet for once. “I just thought I’d forgotten about something, but it’s all right.”
“You sure?” she probes. “If it’s about those sellers we talked about last week, I—”
“No, it’s fine, really. I’m just a little tired today. I think I should get myself a coffee or something.”
I close the e-mail and turn on the password-protected screensaver before hurrying toward the kitchen just to get out of Sybil’s view. I can’t have her eyes on me now. It’s bad enough that I still worry about her seeing my collar peek through out of my turtleneck, but on top of that I feel like I’m about to burst, my heart hammering against its cage with such fury that I’m getting dizzy. Tears threaten to betray my attempt at discretion, so instead of fleeing to the kitchen, I turn left and head for the bathroom, the only damn place here where I can enjoy a moment of privacy to process this shock.
Salty streaks are already covering my cheeks by the time I burst through the door, but luckily I lock myself in one of the stalls without witnesses.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
What the hell am I supposed to do now? How could Jim do this? How did he even get my phone? Did he steal it from me? When? How?
I feel so utterly lost and helpless, desperately trying to suppress the urge to cry out loud, to howl in agony as I cope with the fact that I’m alone in this. I don’t know how to reach Kade. I don’t know if I should even try to reach him. What if that’s enough to set Jim off and make him distribute those intimate images among all my relatives?
I’m so ghastly humiliated and betrayed.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
Forsaken misery takes a hold of me, covering me in its cruel wrath as I’m shaken with negative emotions in all colors: seclusion, sorrow, desperation, vicious fury and a misplaced thirst for revenge.
The world starts spinning around me while I sit there, holding my head with both hands as if I’m afraid I could lose it. Tears stream down my face, accompanied by muffled wailing as I try to cope with this situation.
Different scenarios act out inside my head, running through my thoughts like snippets of sad movies, portraying a lonely woman who has lost it all, her sanity, her man, her new found life.
Am I overreacting? Maybe, but if that’s the case, I’m no state to pull myself together. Every time I try to hold on to one ounce of rationality that is still with me, I’m torn away by desperate panic. The
re’s no way out for me. I can’t think straight. All I see is loss, anguish and desolation.
Because how could I ever explain this to Kade? If I break up with him, I’d have to come up with a terrible lie, pushing myself away from him while my own heart breaks into pieces. And if I don’t break up with him, he will get exposed and have his reputation ruined—and I would be the one responsible for it. It’s so dishonorable, so wrong and shameful.
He could never forgive me.
I want to free myself from all these horrible thoughts running through my head, but they’re too loud, too forceful to be ignored.
I can’t do this.
Not by myself.
Jim is right about one thing: I need help. But not in the way he assumes.
I need advice. I need someone who stands by me, someone who knows what I’m going through, someone I can trust.
Someone who understands.
And then it hits me.
I’m not alone in this. I don’t have to sit in this restroom for the rest of my life and feel sorry for myself.
There’s one person who can help me.
Chapter 31
Kade
Why the fuck isn’t she picking up her phone?
I’ve been trying to get a hold of Lila ever since last night, texting her first while I was still in the car on my way home, then trying to call her once I got home. I didn’t think much of it when she didn’t pick up last night, but I’m seriously beginning to worry now.
I saw her run inside without him, and I saw him leave. I waited a few more moments, pondering whether I should go up and ring her doorbell, just to make sure she was really okay. But I didn’t do it, because I didn’t want her to know I’d been lingering around the corner, spying on her and her loser ex while they were fighting.
A part of me is still wondering whether I should’ve interfered, whether I could’ve spared her some unnecessary stress and pain by chasing the guy away when I still had the chance.
But I couldn’t deny her wish to be alone with him. As hard as it was, I know when I pose a burden to others and my presence is hindering their actions. Lila’s plea had enough conviction to put me in my place, something I’ve rarely experienced, and especially not with women. As fragile as she may appear at first, she calls on a strength all her own that I haven’t seen in a woman before, and I admire the shit out of that.
It’s incredibly sexy, too.
I keep reminding myself of her power again and again as reoccurring worries nag me during my meeting with Damon and Greg. I can’t help but glance at my phone every few seconds, hoping she may have finally responded to one of my many attempts to contact her.
But she hasn’t.
“You still with us?” my brother prods, giving me an annoyed look across the table. It’s not the first time he’s had to pull me back to the task at hand. I don’t even blame him for his discontent, as I would feel the exact same way if I was him. Especially if I knew the reason for my partner’s absent thoughts was a woman. Just a woman, for God’s sake.
Lila is so much more than that, though. She’s my woman, and for all I know, she could be in trouble.
Nevertheless, I nod, earning an exasperated frown from both Damon and Greg when I ask them about a detail in the contract that we’ve already talked about twice.
“Kade, we can reschedule this meeting if you’re not all here,” Greg suggests, while Damon nods next to him. “This is wasted time if one of us keeps trailing off.”
I violently shake my head. “I’m fine, sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.”
“Sure.” Damon raises an eyebrow at me. It’s hard to believe that just a few weeks ago, I was the one looking at him and his bride in the same condescending manner.
Of course, my mind drifts as soon as they start talking again, and I find myself nodding, faking my mental presence as well as I can while we finalize a first draft for a project I never thought I’d agree to.
It was Lila who pushed me over the edge, not because she persuaded me by force, which has been tried on me so many times before, but because she made me realize what I truly wanted. In fact, she was the first to ever even ask that question. She didn’t phrase it in a “You must want” kind of way, but in a way that left room for me to say no. She had no angle and was purely interested in one thing: my satisfaction. While she may have framed me as a rebel, she also believed in my ability to make informed decisions, no matter what those decisions would look like in the end.
That was new to me. That and the fact that I’d even talked about it with her in the first place. Our date last night was something she never asked for because I drew a clear line, one she accepted and never threatened to overstep. I was the one who leaped across it.
I don’t regret it one bit. I’d do it again. And I want to do it again.
But I have no way of knowing how she feels about it, because she’s ignoring me. Next to all the worry about her well-being, I’m also concerned that she may have made a decision that doesn’t bode well for me. A decision that was induced by the appearance of her worthless ex. She looked angry and distressed, leaving him out there like a drowned rat after he kept pushing her, but what tells me that he didn’t get through to her at all? Maybe she just needed time to think.
Maybe she needed to be alone to evaluate the decision to break free and run into the arms of someone like me. She wouldn’t be the first to get scared, and she wouldn’t be the first to run away from the things that happen between people like us.
Fuck, I need to know.
Greg and Damon have stopped to tear my attention back to them, and when I come to, shaking away the diverting thoughts, they’re in the process of clearing the table.
“We’re grabbing a coffee,” Greg informs me. “You can join us or keep dwelling on whatever it is that’s keeping you so fucking occupied.”
“Bet it’s a woman,” Damon adds, his look a little too knowing for comfort.
My brother snorts. “Well that would be a new one.”
I rise from my chair, about to defend myself, when we’re interrupted by a commotion outside our meeting room.
Hurried steps and muffled female voices catch our attention, causing all our heads to turn toward the door. It opens swiftly and two faces appear, adorned with the same blonde hair but very different expressions.
Chapter 32
Lila
“Lila? What are you doing here?”
My sister’s baffled expression greets me on the screen of her video intercom as I stand in front of her new home’s gate like a lost idiot.
I’m just about to speak when she opens the gate right away. “Come in, come in!”
I’ve only been here twice since she and Damon moved, exchanging their penthouse in the city for a mansion in the suburbs, something Elene always swore she’d never do. Just like she said she’d never go to college just because it was expected of her. But now she’s attending a design school downtown and working on her bachelor’s degree. Her exams are coming up soon, which is why I knew she’d be home studying this afternoon.
She was the only person I could think of, the one person I should’ve talked to about all of this a long time ago. Still, I don’t have the words ready when I reach the steps and she dashes toward me, wearing a light summer dress that flutters in the wind as she approaches me with wide arms.
“Is everything okay? Are you okay? What are you doing here?”
“I’m sorry, I just had to—” I start before I’m cut off by my own tears, no longer able to suppress the urge to cry.
“Oh my God, Lila….”
Elene wraps her arms around me, hugging me while I burst through the first wave of wailing that washes over me in violent crests. We just stand there, my younger sister holding me, supporting me for as long as I need to calm down and manage to unwrap myself from her comforting embrace.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I didn’t want to scare you or anything.”
She lets out a helpless chuckle. �
�Well to be honest, you’re scaring me a little bit here. What’s wrong? Why didn’t you call?”
And just like that, with that simple question, my sorrow is replaced with a different emotion, one that’s just as brutal in its intensity but is external rather than focusing on my own desperation.
I’m furious.
“I didn’t call because I can’t,” I say through gnashing teeth. “Because he took my phone!”
“Who took your phone?”
“Jim! Jim stole my phone, and now he’s trying to blackmail me and threatening to expose all this stuff about us if I don’t stop seeing Kade and—”
“Whoa, hold on!” Elene stops me, raising both hands with the palms facing me. “You gotta slow down here. Come on, let’s go inside first.”
I nod, biting my lower lip as it starts trembling when a new rush of tears threatens to force its way down my face. I don’t want to cry. I’m not one to weep easily. Even when I broke up with Jim, he was the one who shed most of the tears, as all our hopes and plans came crushing down when I broke up with him.
I follow Elene inside, my shoulders up to my ears as we walk through the massive entrance hall of her extravagant home. Various knickknacks and some pictures from her old apartment line the walls, but it still feels so foreign and strange to me. It’s hard to believe that my sister is now a true member of this upscale environment, a world that’s so different to the one we grew up in. I know she’s struggling with it, because she still doesn’t feel like she belongs, and her past is casting an unwelcome shadow over her new life, but none of that is palpable as she guides me through her home.
“Sit wherever you want,” she says as we reach the vast living room connected to an open kitchen that’s bigger than my living room and bedroom combined. I wonder if Kade lives in such a place. Or maybe a penthouse like the one Elene and Damon used to call home before moving here. I wonder why he’s never taken me to his home.
Maybe it would’ve just been a matter of time…
I curl up on one of the black sofas on the right half of the living room, my eyes shyly scanning the room as I wait for Elene, who’s rummaging for something in the kitchen.