Tossing It

by Rachel Robinson

  “No, I’m sorry,” I say, tears threatening. “I’m always going to be the one who needs you more than you need me. That’s not fair to you.”

  Leif puts his hands on either side of my face. “Malena, stop it. You can’t help what happened. This isn’t your fault,” he says, anger lacing his words. This time, I do cry. Hard and furious. He folds me into his cold, wet arms. “This is going to keep happening,” Leif adds. I hear it. The words he left unsaid. If you don’t do something about it.

  This is my lifeline. My phone a friend. My Hail Mary. If I don’t recognize it, I’d be a daft, dumb woman, and I’m not that. “Please help me, Leif. Call Celia? I need more help. She needs more,” I whisper through sobs. “She deserves more.”

  He nods against my head and promises to get everything sorted as quickly as humanly possible. I believe him. He shrugs on the shirt I offer and shivers against the cold rain. I get in the driver’s side and he shuts the door behind me. Rolling down the window, I’m going to thank him again, but he leans in and kisses me instead.

  “Drive safe. Call me when you get there,” he says, then turns his eyes to my mom. “Feel better Ms. Winterset.” Leif meets my gaze, the rain soaking through his shirt. “Call me,” he says, nodding his head. “I’m going to fix everything. Don’t worry about a thing.” He kisses me again. Slower this time, a hesitance to let me go, lips lingering, fingers caressing my face.

  It was a kiss of a man who cares about a woman.

  Leif just entered my bloodstream. With a kiss, he arrived and will never leave. His mouth left a stain on my soul. Bringing my fingers up to my own lips as I drive toward the emergency room, I let the shock of my realization seep in. I’m falling for Leif Andersson, better yet, I’ve already fallen for him.

  All at once.

  Because of a connection so strong I never knew it could exist. Is it breaking a rule if I don’t tell him?

  Chapter Seven

  Leif

  Eva and Celia are sitting across from me at the diner, the concerned looks on their faces making my stomach flip. They’re in parenting mode even though they aren’t my parents. Silently, I wonder if this is what every youngest sibling has to go through. This time it’s my fault. I asked them to meet me here in an effort to put it all on the table. Well, most of it anyway.

  “She doesn’t seem stable. Are you sure you want to get mixed up in this?” Eva asks, glancing at Celia, then me. She sips her coffee slowly, giving me a chance to pick the correct words.

  How do I tell her it’s too late? That I broke my own damn rule without my own consent. Talking to Malena all week, learning things about her, character traits I didn’t know I wanted, culminated in a desire so strong I ended up at her house in the middle of the damn night. I chug down half of my water bottle.

  Celia inserts, “We’re good people, Eva. I’ll help Malena regardless of Leif getting mixed up with her problems. It’s the right thing to do.”

  Eva sends a pointed look to our sister. “We both know that’s not the question,” Eva barks, looks at me, and continues, “Why are you helping her this much. You told me you’re her friend. This is more than friend, just as I suspected. Her home life is a wreck. A father that abandoned her, a mother who is certifiable.”

  “Hey,” I cut in. “Don’t talk like that.”

  Celia says, “I agree, Eva. Don’t be a bitch. Just because our family is ideal doesn’t mean that’s the norm.”

  “Ideal?” I ask, eyes wide. “This isn’t ideal, or normal. An ideal family would help without question. Without judging.” I shake my head, settling back into the booth. I remind myself to keep my voice down. Caroline, one of Malena’s best friends, works here and she’s glanced over here a few times since this insane conversation began. “Celia,” I say, looking at the more rational sister—the one who has already helped me without asking too many questions about my emotions. “You got Ms. Winterset into Garden Breeze. That’s the best one in the surrounding areas, right? When can she check in?”

  Celia nods. “How is she going to afford it, Leif? Eva told me about their phone conversation and it doesn’t sound like she has a lot of…resources to make a switch this permanent.”

  Closing my eyes, I swallow down the lie that was on the tip of my tongue. “Don’t worry about that part. It’s taken care of and Malena won’t have to worry about it.” Celia presses her lips together and I thank God, she doesn’t say what she really wants to. She tells me about the facility and the doctors she’s familiar with. The care will be top notch. It’s heavily guarded, but still has access to the beach and a year-round garden that has both flowers and vegetables. A hobby Malena told me Ms. Winterset had a passion for before dementia set it.

  Throughout this conversation, I feel Eva’s gaze boring holes into my soul. “You’re in love with the woman. How the fuck is that possible?”

  Deny. Deny. “I’m helping a friend, Eva. Stop trying to read more into it.”

  Celia clears her throat. “You never helped any of the other women more than to see them out of your bed and out the front door. You have to see why we’re at least a little bit curious. The interest for anything other than your career hasn’t been there before. It’s sort of exciting.”

  “Only my sisters would think my interest in a woman is exciting. We’re adults.”

  Eva bangs a hand on the table. “He admitted interest.”

  Celia scoffs. “Of course, he’s interested. He’s paying for his girlfriend’s mother to enter the best facility in the area. Answer us one question and we’ll leave you alone. We need to get back to work.”

  Sighing, I run both of my hands down my face. “What?”

  Eva butts in. “Let me pick the question.”

  Celia shakes her head, narrowing her eyes at me. “No, if we only get one I want to make it count. You’re too hot-headed.”

  Sighing, Eva says, “True.”

  I throw my hand up to get the attention of our waitress. It’s Shirley, Malena’s other friend. This place doesn’t leave any room for secrets, that’s for sure. I told my sisters this when we sat down for lunch, I’m hoping they fucking watch their mouths.

  Shirley saunters over, a glint of mischief in her eye. “Since I’m not following any of your rules, will you please give me the formal introduction to your lovely sisters?” Shirley coos, setting the check down in the center of the table, gaze locked on mine. Fuck. Why wouldn’t I assume Malena talks to her friends about us? Why wouldn’t she, especially since she knows I am talking to my sisters?

  Clearing my throat over my sisters’ sighs, and shifting frames in the seats in front of me, I feel like I’m on trial. “Shirley, this is Eva and Celia. My lovely, benevolent sisters.”

  Eva shakes her hand first, giving her a polite smile. Celia follows with a grin a little more believable. They exchange pleasantries for a minute or two, chatting about Bronze Bay, the beaches, and the like.

  Then, like a shark scenting blood, Eva turns her fire back on me. “Rules? Do tell us about these rules, dear brother.” She looks at Shirley and she grins widely. My armpits start sweating, and a sheen breaks across my forehead. Reaching into my pocket, I grab cash, throw it on the table and stand to leave.

  “None of your damn business,” I deadpan. “I have to get back to work.”

  Celia scoots out and follows me to the door. “Does she know? Have you told her?” she asks, her words against my retreating back.

  When we get out into the parking lot, I spin. “What are you talking about? I’m exhausted from talking to you guys. It’s never easy. You know that? Does who know what?” I get to my moped and lean against the seat, so we’re eye level.

  Celia looks crestfallen, and I feel a touch of guilt for being so rash, but I can only take so much from them. “Listen, I got her into Garden Breeze when they were pulling from the insanely long wait list. You owe me. Remember that.”

  Hanging my head, I sigh. “I’m sorry. Eva just pisses me off with her questions. Why does it matter?
Can’t I want to do something for someone of the opposite sex without her jumping the gun?”

  “Does Malena know that you…care about her?”

  Oh. “I’m helping her. That has to be some indication.”

  Celia shakes her head. “You are so bad at this. She probably thinks you feel bad for her or something. You’re not a bad guy, Leif.” Celia lays a hand on my arm. “You are worthy of someone’s love. The first step is admitting to yourself that you care for Malena. That’s what all of this is. You realize that right?” She waves her arm between us. “You wanting the best for a person she cares about. Paying for it. Giving a damn about things other than yourself is a prime indicator. You don’t have to admit it to us, but you need to admit it to yourself. Life is too short.”

  I nod. Mostly to halt the conversation, but I hear truth in her words and while it does scare me, I’m already there. The time to flip a bitch passed, and now I’m stuck with feelings and unsure what the fuck to do with them.

  Eva and Shirley are visible through the diner windows and through Shirley’s exaggerated gestures I can only assume my evil sister is getting a rundown on my dating rules. Fuck. Closing my eyes, I mount my moped. “Thank you, Celia. For everything. It means a lot to me.”

  “Because it means a lot to Malena,” Celia adds. “Drive safe, scooter McGee.” She ruffles my hair before I smash the helmet down on top of it. Celia walks away, back to the diner to get caught up no doubt, and I make my way back to work.

  The sea salt air clears my mind and I try to simplify my world to the lowest common denominator. I can have my work and Malena. I can stay in Bronze Bay. That doesn’t require any huge sacrifices on either of our parts. I care about Malena and her life, but I know for a fact my sister is right. I wouldn’t do this for anyone in my past. Malena needs me and I want to be needed by her. Because I care about her heart.

  What’s going to happen when I sleep with her? The rules will be fucked, that’s what, and there will be nothing to guard me…or her. After I show my ID to the gate guard, I find my spot while contemplating my future.

  “Hey man,” I tell Sutter as I walk into the office and toss down my gym bag. “Anything going on?”

  “Nah. Skydiving on Friday. I can’t fucking wait. It’s been so long. I need to keep up on my quals for when I get back to a west coast team,” he mutters while scrolling through updates on our top-secret network. To get the clearance for our system is time-consuming and painstaking. Setting it up was the longest part of the process when we moved to Bronze Bay. It gives us all of the information we need in real time and keeps our emails safe. Sutter can’t wait to leave here.

  Settling into a chair, I open my laptop and check out the website for Garden Breeze and find the phone number. Dialing it, I walk into the empty conference room and make arrangements for Ms. Winterset’s stay and give them the indefinite payment information. I also tell them not to make my information public. I’m sure Malena will assume, but I don’t want my generosity to be in her face. Then she’ll read into it, and we’ll both have to confront what such an act actually means. The girl on the phone is helpful and promises me Ms. Winterset is expected this afternoon when she’s discharged from the hospital.

  Malena is going to need me to help her. Be there for her. My heart races when I think about seeing her again and it’s asinine to even me. It was just last night that the whole broken wrist debacle took place. More, it’s when I knew that no matter what happened, I wasn’t going to be able to turn my back on her in any way shape or form.

  As I hang up the call with Garden Breeze, I get a text from Malena telling me she called out of work today because she was at the hospital all night long—is still there. It’s a long paragraph thanking me for pulling strings to get her into the facility and how she’s going to repay me. Malena feels guilty, I can tell through word choice, but mostly she sounds tired—ready to do the inevitable.

  I text back. Don’t mention it. It was nothing getting her in. She needs to be there, she’ll be happy. Celia says it’s the best place around. Try not to worry. You’ll have to get as many of her medical records to them when you get a chance. Tell me if you need anything else. I’m sorry about last night. While I wouldn’t have fucked her—I didn’t have a condom on me, I would have made her toes curl multiple times if we weren’t interrupted. I have to keep reminding myself there will be plenty of time.

  Her reply is swift. Last night was simultaneously the best and worst night of my life. But don’t quote me on that because I’m running on about thirty minutes of sleep. I’m going to get Mom settled in at Garden Breeze and then I’m going to sleep for a decade. My mood deflates as my hope to see her tonight is crushed like a tiny bug. Think about her. Not yourself. This is an enormous step she’s making. It will leave her alone in her house. That’s going to be a vast change from what she’s used to.

  I keep it easy, happy, my thumbs flying to tap out the message. If you need company. Let me know. I’m only a bike ride away. Though, I’ll probably take my moped now that I’m not stalking you. I expect a serial killer joke to follow.

  She doesn’t respond as quickly, though. I want to see your house.

  I swallow hard. Yes. Come over.

  I might have to leave a toothbrush there.

  I grin. “Not allowed ☺ In reality, Malena could leave a limb at my house if it meant she was there, in my space—my bed.

  Can’t come then. Sorry.

  You can use mine, I counter.

  That’s abhorrent, Leif. I can’t be your friend anymore.

  Fine. Bring a toothbrush as long as you take it with you when you go. I didn’t know we were ‘friends.’

  Such a swift kick in the ass. You charmer, you. What would you call me if not a friend?

  My heart rate ratchets up to adrenaline junkie mode. It doesn’t make sense, but I’ll over analyze it later. I slink back into my office chair. Sutter says something to me, but I’m too lost in my thoughts to respond to him. Grinning at my phone, I text, Mine. I’d call you mine. My dick rises to the occasion, making me uncomfortably aware that while she may be mine, I have yet to stake my claim in a consummate way.

  While I’d typically reject such a strongly worded statement, I’m so tired that it actually pleases me to read it. Being yours has a nice ring to it.

  Good. I’ll make it official when you come over.

  That might be worth the exhaustion, her text comes, and then another, I have to go. Sorry. A van arrived to take Mom and I’m going to go home to pack some things.

  It’s going to be a good thing, I remind her. Don’t be scared. Call me if you need anything. Or just swing by.

  She doesn’t reply, but I remind her where my condo is and offer to swing by tonight if she asks me to.

  Sutter, who was reading over my shoulder this entire time I was wrapped up in Malena cackles like a drunken clown. “Dude, you are so fucking chained. When did this happen? You’ve kept a good ass secret man. Not like Tahoe. What is in this fucking water? Turning men into pets left and right,” he whoops out, bent over laughing.

  I click the side button to darken my cell phone’s screen. “Fuck off, Sutter.” “No fuck you, man. Do you guys have balls left? These chicks aren’t anything special. I’ve dicked plenty of them and walked away unscathed. What is it about them that makes them so desirable? The southern drawl? The coconut laced hair shampoo? The tans? These small town ladies are the Kryptonite of this whole fucking SEAL Team.” Sutter shakes his head. “I need to get back to San Diego where the women are women and the men stay men. I’m surrounded by pussies and I can’t fuck any of them.”

  “Calm your tits, dude. Maybe if you had a woman to go home to at night, you wouldn’t be such an asshole all the time.”

  “What is it about her then? Explain,” Sutter says, sitting in an office chair, and scooting toward me until we’re knee to knee. “Make me understand.”

  Swallowing hard, I blow out a breath. “You’re serious? I just came from lunch with
my sisters. I don’t think I’m ready for this kind of conversation. I haven’t even had sex with her so I don’t want to call it before the ref does, man.” It’s a slight lie because I already know sex with Malena will be amazing because the chemistry is off the motherfucking charts. “There’s nothing to understand, really. Why do you care? You’re a bachelor for life. Don’t worry about what I’m doing.”

  Sutter shakes his head. “No. Not for life. But it’s not going to be some small town chick to keep me. These women have never seen outside this place.” He’s generalizing, but he knows it. I don’t need to remind him.

  Narrowing my eyes, I ask, “How is that a bad thing?”

  Sutter appears to actually consider my question instead of slinging an insult.

  I go on, “Listen, they sent me here for a break. It’s why most of us are here. I don’t know about you, but since the war began, I haven’t even paused to consider what might be good for me. What I wanted outside of the Teams, what would fulfill and make me happy. Have you?”

  Sutter looks at me with wide eyes, shaking his head. “You’ve turned into a pussy before you tapped it. I didn’t know it was possible. I’m witnessing the death of your manhood right now.”

  I roll my eyes. “Fuck you, Sutter. I thought you wanted to be serious for half a second. I want to help Malena and…I like her,” I say, turning away from him to read emails on our server.

  “It’s the hero complex,” Sutter says. “Once she’s saved, you’ll get bored and join the fuck team again. That’s what it is. I’ve diagnosed you. Go forth and swoop in with your red cape and awesome biceps. Fuck a few times, then return to me wiser and stronger.”

  “You’re wrong,” I say, praying to God he’s not right. He makes sense in the fucked up way only Sutter can make sense.