Tossing It

by Rachel Robinson

  “You mean you wanted to have sex with me first,” I counter.

  He smirks. “That too.”

  “San Diego?” I ask.

  “The west coast.” It’s almost as if he’s just now realizing how far he’s going to be from me. Leif pulls on his shorts and leans against the desk. “I’m fucking scared.”

  That gets my attention. “Like you said, it’s what you’ve been waiting for. Training for. You’re ready for it, Leif.” I take his hand in mine. “There’s no need to be scared.” I hope I sound like I know what I’m talking about. This is me trying to be supportive even if it destroys every shred of my heart. Because that’s what you do when you love someone. “You’re going to come back all decorated with fancy pins and ribbons. Even hotter than you were when you left.” I’ve only seen photos of Leif in full uniform and it’s almost a good thing because of how delicious he looks. Like he fell out of a fundraising calendar.

  He raises his eyes from our entwined hands to mine, a smirk on his face. “I’m not scared about doing my job. I’m good at that. That’s like breathing for me. I’m worried about…you. Leaving you. Not having you. Not seeing you. Not coming home to you. Leaving you isn’t something I’d planned on and the mere thought of it makes my chest hurt.”

  Now his voracious declarations make sense. I smile. “You’ll still have me,” I say, putting the rest of my clothes on while he watches my every move. “Just via video calls and letters. It’s a foregone conclusion. I’m not going anywhere.”

  He leans in and presses his lips against mine. “I’m going to love you forever.”

  My heart skips a beat, and my stomach flips. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Isn’t that what they say?”

  “And punishes the dick.”

  Something pings. “You’re not going to see other people while you’re away, right?”

  He pulls away, one brow raised. “Are you seriously asking me that? After everything? I don’t want anyone else. I’ve never wanted anyone else. You’re it for me, kid. You’re it.”

  Grinning, I reach up and hug him laying my ear on his chest. I let the thumping of his heart calm mine. As long as his is beating, mine has a reason to keep going as well. I didn’t plan on falling for a military man. The sacrifice on both sides wasn’t something I ever considered. Sure he’s off at war doing battle against those that wish ill will against innocents, but what about everyone they leave behind in their wake?

  He whispers things to me. Details about the time he’s leaving and what he needs to accomplish by morning. There’s a laundry list of things I agree to take care for him. It’s all business for a couple hours as he lays it all out for me—delivers my worst nightmare like it’s an everyday occurrence. I don’t miss the excitement in his voice when he talks about the mission, and the particular bad guy he’s been after for a long time.

  My heart starts hollowing in a Leif sized space at that moment. Setting him free. Paying the price. Getting what I deserve—what I always knew was coming. He’s leaving me.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Leif

  The loose ends tie seamlessly with Malena holding the fort back in Bronze Bay while I’m gone. I’ve given her everything she’ll need, access to my bank accounts, keys to my house, every piece of information I thought she may need. I added her to my will as the sole beneficiary last week. She doesn’t know that yet, and hopefully she’ll never have to know. She would have freaked. There are those that get it, and then there’s everyone else. Malena is too new to the military life to understand the sacrifice quite yet. She’s getting there. I was surprised at how well she took the news of me leaving. I expected a blowout—a fight so large, I’d end up leaving without closure. Instead, she showed me her strength. Proving again without a shadow of a doubt she’s the woman for me.

  Her sun-kissed body is sprawled in my white sheets, one leg out, her skin glowing in the early sunlight. I won’t wake her. That would be too hard, too costly a mistake for a man trying to leave everything behind. My mind needs to be clear, eye on the prize. Finishing this fucking war and getting back to my life. For the first time in my life, I get it. I understand how much another person can mean. Why I’m fighting so fucking hard. I realize what life is truly about.

  I swallow hard as I gaze down at her chest rising and falling softly. Her eyelashes flutter and a smile creeps to one corner of her mouth. I wonder if she’s dreaming of me, thinking of us. Will she remember me? How my touch causes an immediate reaction? What it feels like when I’m deep inside her? How quickly will those new memories fade into distant memories? I shudder. A painful realization. Her life will go on without me and I have to take it on her word that she’ll be here when I return. If I return.

  I didn’t tell her how dangerous this year would be for me. A no-fail mission means I’m willing to go down with the ship to make sure this ends successfully. I’d give up my life to make sure she’s safe. Forever. Saying goodbye to my parents and sisters was easy. They’re used to this. It’s an old hat gesture to send me away. I think they knew it would be hard for me to bid Malena farewell and let me off easy with a quick breakfast sendoff last weekend. Celia promises to continue to make sure Ms. Winterset is doing well, and Eva deems herself responsible for keeping Malena occupied. I tell her that’s not necessary, but I know she will do what she wants regardless of what I say.

  All of these months of dating and I’ve never given Malena any sort of significant gift. Nothing tangible to remember me by. I found a ring last week at the only jewelry store in town, a pawn shop, it made me think of her. It can mean whatever she wants it to mean, and the fluidity in that makes me happy and terrifies me at the same time. I want to keep her. Forever. The ring is simple, a gold band with tiny diamonds sprinkled into it with no real pattern. It reminded me of little clusters of stars in the sky and what they look like during a jump at night. The guy behind the counter asked if I needed it engraved and I didn’t have much time to think of what I wanted but decided on the first thing that came to mind: You are my night sky.

  I have to go or else I’ll be late for the flight and I don’t want to be the asshole holding up a plane. Usually that’s Aidan because he’s been out all night fucking. He’s coming with me for this mission. I set the ring and a letter on the nightstand. With a pain deep in my chest and tears threatening, I turn from the room and exit my house, locking the door behind me.

  Mr. Olsen is out in his chair. When he spies the big bag I have slung over one shoulder, he nods at it. “Gone for a while?”

  Sighing out the pain, I nod. “Yeah. Too long.”

  He smiles, a twinkle in his eye. We both know he will be gone before I return. “I’ll see you when I see you. Get them assholes, son. Get ‘em.”

  “I intend to, sir.”

  Mr. Olsen nods to the door, his pallid face and gaunt eyes on display in an errant ray of sun. “She’s a good one. Better come back for her.”

  “I intend to do that as well,” I reply. “Take care of yourself. Malena will help you out. Don’t be afraid to ask her for anything you need. Eva and Celia, too. Anything. You hear me?”

  “As long as you aren’t afraid to ask for what you want,” he replies.

  It’s a loaded statement. “I’m not afraid of anything. You know that.” I grin.

  “Everyone is afraid of something, even big muscled SEALs. If I can give you one piece of advice before I go,” he says. We both know he said I instead of you, and it stings. The bite of death knocking when you have no control. I nod. “Nothing is more important than family. I lost mine and I thank God I got the cancer so I can be with them sooner.” He looks up to the sky and it’s a revelation. A fucking pang resonates because I know he’s right, and maybe no one has said it before, or I didn’t listen. “Everything in this life is fleeting. Make sure you use the time wisely, son.”

  I agree, give him a hug, and make sure he has phone numbers for anyone who I think may help him if need be. I’m feeling like a morose asshole when Aida
n picks me up. He makes a sex joke, but catches onto my bad mood right away and shuts the fuck up. Should I have said goodbye? Should I have turned down this mission? I’m not even sure it would have been an option. I know the most about the target, this is basically my mission now. Aidan parks at the airport and we grab our bags from the back of his truck. One of the other guys will grab his truck and store it for the time we’re away. Our plane is waiting and ready as we approach.

  We board, take off into the morning sun, and circle around to the west. I hate everything about it. I keep my eyes peeled for my house from the air, but by that time we’re too high up to see people. Just shapes. The shape of my roof. The shape of the ocean, the bay. The shape of my fucking heart vanishing beneath me.

  I throw up into a barf bag.

  Aidan chuckles, but I merely shake my head, still in no mood for his bullshit. I open my computer and start working, start scouring the reports and my emails for new information. I begin talking to the SEALs on the west coast. This is war.

  And it’s my job to finish it.

  ______________

  It’s been two months and it’s a constant stream of work and meetings. We’re on the large San Diego SEAL compound so we have all of our training facilities at our beck and call. In between planning, we’re shooting and working out, honing the skills that may have been pushed to the back burner while in Bronze Bay. It’s a whole different world here. One that I’d forgotten. The breakneck pace. The falling into bed at night so tired I’m not sure if I pass out or fall asleep. My limbs are sore and my arms are full of holes from the doctors poking and prodding to make sure I’m in top-notch condition. My body is in fine shape compared to my emotions. I fucking miss Malena so much it’s hard to talk to her on the phone. When I hear her voice, I want her.

  Wanting her turns into a haunting reminder of everything I won’t have for an entire year. I tried to be honest. Tried to tell her talking to her makes everything more difficult, but she said I need to get freaking used to it. I won’t, but I’ll pretend for her benefit. She is busy with her work and friends and seems to be doing well. It’s all so superficial. Not like those deep thought provoking conversations we’d have when we were together, lying naked in bed, staring at the ceiling, together. The quiet, poignant moments are gone and in their place are conversations about weather and Bronze Bay gossip. It would be horrifying if it wasn’t Malena. But it’s her, so I gobble up every single syllable she utters, harboring the desperation deep within.

  She emails me once a day and tells me everything. Some days she’ll attach photos of us. Other days it’s photos of her and her friends at the beach. It’s strange to feel homesick for a place that was never truly my home. I have learned that home is a person. Home is Malena. Home isn’t where I’m at. I try to email her back, but my schedule and the time difference makes everything that much harder. She’ll stay up late some nights so we can video chat, and I’ll wake up early other days when I don’t have meetings or obligations, but it doesn’t happen very often.

  I have a secure phone line and safe internet access that blocks out everyone who isn’t on an approved list. My inbox has a few new emails. Two brand new from Malena, one from Garden Breeze, and one from Eva. I don’t have time to check them right now because I’m due in the office for a meeting and then a workout. My body has already transformed back into the peak machine it was before my life slowed down. My nutrition is monitored and my daily workouts tailored for my body. There are cryo tanks that soak our bodies to help our muscles recover faster, and hundreds of highly trained support staff on hand for any desire or concern. A lot of distractions on top of the main facets of tracking killers.

  “You ready?” Aidan pops his head into my room without knocking. We have nice quarters on base—a house we share. Our schedules are so busy we rarely see each other at home except for early mornings before the full day begins.

  With the mouse hovering over Malena’s email, I close the laptop and ask him if he wants a banana instead. I toss him one and we head out, locking the door behind us. “You have your workout first today?” he asks.

  I shake my head. “Meeting, then workout. Then I have to go take a piss test,” I tell him.

  He laughs. “I’m taking my piss test first. I’ll be happy when this is over,” he says, breathing out.

  It’s surprising. “You want to go back to Bronze Bay?” I say, my tone mocking. “Too rough now that you’re an old geezer?”

  “Fuck you,” Aidan says. “It was supposed to be a permanent switch. It’s a big change. Admit it. I see you limping,” he tosses his words over his shoulder.

  Sighing, I look left and right as I step into the street. “I’m fucking perfect,” I exclaim. “Ready for it to be done as much as you, but I have something to go back to.”

  “Maybe I do too,” he quips.

  He’s such a liar. He has everyone else’s chicks to try and steal. That’s what Aidan has. “Did you see the last intel brief that came through? They’re on this coast. It may happen sooner rather than later. I wish I could go right now and blow the motherfucker into outer space.”

  Aidan nods. “It’s never that easy. Come on, bro. You know better.” I do, but wishful thinking never hurt anyone. “See you at home, honey. Better have my bourbon waiting when I walk through the door and crotchless lace panties under your dress,” Aidan rasps, splitting away from me as he heads to another building.

  Shaking my head, I grin. No one else is around to hear him which only makes it that much more disturbing. The base is usually bustling at this time of day, but since the mission planning began, they’ve closed it down to everyone except SEALs and required support staff. I haven’t left the gates since I arrived, and I’m itching to go beyond, back into the real world. I decide right now that I’m going to put in a request to leave base and go out to eat at a damn restaurant in town. I won’t talk to anyone, and I’ll find something that follows my diet, but I need to feel the buzz of life to level my head.

  The Navy isn’t granting leave to any of us. We’re trapped here until it’s go-time, unable to visit friends or family. It’s supposed to be for our loved one’s safety, but this is the first time in history there’s been this kind of a full-scale hunt in the states so all of the rules have changed, and I’m not sure anyone knows what exactly to expect. I scan my ID card and press my thumb into the reader to open the heavy metal door, making sure to close the door all the way behind me.

  Inside the building there is life. Lots of it. People in military uniforms litter the hallway from every branch imaginable, even foreign service members who are here to watch us operate for their own training regimes—taking our tactics and applying them to their own countries and problems. Nothing brings a world together quite like one common thread: the same enemy. I nod at a few men I recognize and bang a hard right into our wing and scan my ID again to get inside. It’s a little more lax in here, some SEALs are wearing uniforms, and others are in PT clothing, black running shorts, and a brown tee, depending on what they have on their own schedules. We have relaxed grooming standards among dozens of other privileges that aren’t granted to big Navy, it is most evident in the hairstyles we are allowed.

  “You ready? We’ve been waiting for you. Twiddling your diddly again?” A SEAL in my group rasps, nodding his head toward my empty seat.

  I chuckle, taking my place at the conference table and grabbing the tablet in front of me. “I’m only late because your mom likes to watch,” I hiss back, glaring at him with a smirk.

  “Mom jokes are out, Leif. You’d know that if you weren’t so busy tanning your ass cheeks in Florida instead of back here with the real Teams working like a man.”

  The screen turns on and lights dim, and he has the last word…for now. The commander’s red, irritated face flashes on the screen and the meeting begins. We get the notes on our tablet screens as someone gathers the important points during the exchange. My heart starts hammering as the facts trickle into my awareness. We’re
getting closer. I’m not thinking about zings, mom jokes, or anything other than what’s in front of me. The familiar hatred creeps into my awareness, the power that thrums through my body to destroy.

  I won’t miss this time. I don’t care what it costs me.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Malena

  My mom has pneumonia. The doctors are in and out of her room regularly. They say she has the same care at Garden Breeze as she would have at a hospital. There are monitors beeping and saline bags dripping into her frail body. It came on quickly, a common cold morphing into this threatening monster overnight. Her coughing and wheezing make it seem she’s on her deathbed. They reassure me she’ll pull through, but there’s this nagging feeling in my chest that tells me otherwise.

  This, a mere hour after a doctor’s appointment where I discovered that not only am I pregnant, but I am three months pregnant—a basically all the way formed baby in my still flat stomach. My shock and stymie are still there, but now I’m contending with my mother’s life. I feel like in a matter of a few hours I’ve lost everything, including my grip on reality. With my head resting on the edge of her bed, I clutch Mom’s hand, the one not drowning in tubes and needles, and sob. I pray. I ask God to let her remember everything. For her to wake up and remember I am her daughter, that she loves me, because I need her right now more than I’ve ever needed her in my life. I need the warm hug that tells me everything is going to be okay. The one she would give when I skinned my knee or had a fight with my best friend at school. My mom is the only person I have.

  With my hand on my stomach, I acknowledge the life that will steal Leif away from me. The irony that this relationship will fail because of a baby, when another relationship ended when a baby didn’t arrive, is too freaking much. Her door is closed, so her room is shrouded in a morbid darkness. Tears streaming down my cheeks, I walk over and throw open the door. A nurse comes in and checks her vitals and does her best to ignore me, but I see her gaze wander to the crazy woman clutching her stomach.