№047
William Harley and Arthur Davidson
For making us deaf.
THE FACTS
Harley-Davidson is an American motorcycle company that got its start at the beginning of the twentieth century. If you haven’t heard of it, that’s probably because loud exhaust noise has made you deaf. Many people (with the exception of a few men who really like leather) believe the two-wheeled chick magnet is a sound nuisance. I’m sure you’ve had a peaceful outdoor meal in the summertime ruined by a gang of hog riders cruising by.
But stories like that do not compel Harley-Davidson to quiet its ride. In fact, the Milwaukee motorcycle maker loved its uproariousness so much it even tried to trademark its loud self-proclaimed “potato-potato-potato” sound in the nineties. A battle in court with a couple of Japanese motorcycle companies lasted about six years before Harley-Davidson decided to throw in the bandana. But Harley claimed it had won in the court of public opinion anyway.
[you] RIFE!
So if you’re a Harley rider, we just want you to know: You’re so macho—you ma-cho ma-cho man. I’m sure you notice that everyone turns their heads when you ride by. But take a moment away from tightening up your leather chaps, wipe the exhaust from your biker goggles, and focus on their facial expressions. Aside from the one guy who is winking and lickin’ his lips at you, I assure you that everyone has a look of disgust that nearly parallels the look the Speedo guy gets (see RIFE No003).
Okay, it’s like a state of mind, freedom, the open road, and “screw the system” all wrapped up in an American-made grease bucket. I get it—I really do. I mean, nothing shouts liberation like shiny studded jewelry, fringe, saddlebags, and leather vests. But seriously, when you set off more car alarms than California’s earthquakes, it’s just too much. Ride AWAY from town and go explore your freedom on the open (dirt) road. Then, afterward, maybe you can meet up with your gang at the Blue Oyster Bar and show off your shiny tailpipes.
№048
Insurance frauds
For making insurance rates expensive.
THE FACTS
One out of every three car crashes involving bodily injury is fraudulent.
There are many different types of insurance: auto, home, medical, life, etc. They all have one thing in common: They are susceptible to fraud. Insurance fraud has been around since the start of insurance. Even as far back as ancient Greece, people would scam “insurers” by purposefully sinking or hiding a ship to claim the insurance bounty.
[you] RIFE!
So what’s the big deal? Fraudulent insurance scams raise our rates and make us victims. I agree with Ned Flanders, who thinks insurance is a form of gambling. Not to mention that you pay premiums your whole life and when you finally need it, the insurance companies haggle you on the payout. Either way you look at it, it’s a dirty business. The best medicine is not to drive!
Here are the three popular car insurance scams to avoid:
• The Staged Rear-End Accident. A scammer slams on the breaks so you rear-end them. Along with collecting money for the damage, they will fake injury. Lesson learned: Never follow too closely.
• Adding Damage. A fraudulent driver adds more damage after an accident occurs to get a bigger settlement. Lesson learned: Be sure to take pictures at the scene if you are at fault.
• The Phony Wave. This is the guy who waves you on, but then crashes into you, after which he will deny waving you on to collect the insurance money. Lesson learned: Always use your best judgment in traffic.
Good luck out there!
№049
Big Tobacco
For killing its customers. (and smokers, for playing along)
THE FACTS
Cigarette smoking is the preeminent source of preventable premature deaths in the world. Smoking-related diseases cause four hundred and forty thousand American deaths each year and cost the U.S. more than $150 billion annually in health care. Cigarette smoke contains at least forty-eight hundred chemicals, sixty-nine of which are known to cause cancer… yada, yada, yada… B-O-R-I-N-G! We already know! Jesus, can we just move forward?
[you] RIFE!
Yes, cigarettes are bad for you. Yes, the tobacco companies lied. Yes, they ruined it for everybody. Yes, they are going to hell. Of course they are to blame for countless deaths, stinky breath, yellow teeth, and streets littered with butts. The only question is: Why are people still smoking? Aside from the fact that you look so cool blowing smoke like a dragon, what’s the thrill? What is it? WHAT? Rebellion? Relaxation? I used to smoke to alleviate stress and to escape for a few minutes at work, but I wised up and quit. What’s your status? Are you a “lifer,” or are you just an unsuccessful quitter?
It’s easy to blame “Big Tobacco” for promoting a deadly product. But that time is over. Accept the facts: Smoking is bad for you and we all know it. So now, it’s your fault if you still smoke. If you want to quit, help is available. Get some and do it!
And by the way, if you ever hear someone say they can’t quit because they’re too addicted, it’s bullshit. Yes, it is difficult to quit smoking. Some even claim it’s more addictive than heroin. Well, have you ever seen someone detox from heroin? I can assure you, it entails a lot more than a few headaches and being a little irritable. If you want to quit, stop being a baby and throw away the coffin nails. Your loved ones will gladly stand beside you all the way (especially after you quit, because then you won’t stink nearly as much).
№050
The Consumer Product Safety Commission
For making it a headache to open aspirin.
THE FACTS
If you have found yourself looking for a hammer to finish the job after struggling with a childproof pill container, trust me, you’re not alone. We have the Consumer Product Safety Commission to thank for our lid-popping problems. U.S. law has required locking mechanisms on all potentially dangerous products since 1970 for child protection.
I guess the question is: Is this necessary? I am not anti-child by any means, but how many lives is this saving? If you personally don’t have any problems opening these containers, then just wait until you become elderly. Eventually, you will be shaking your cane at these hard-to-open pill bottles. Don’t forget, you will have more bottles to open when you’re old, and dexterity decreases with arthritis.
[you] RIFE!
When I was a toddler, I didn’t even know pill containers existed. They were high up in the cabinets, a bit out of reach for a sub-three-footer. I was more into the big shiny bottles under the sink! I could reach those things easily and dump them all over the floor. Ironically, you are hard-pressed to find a pill bottle without a safety cap, but most cleaning products are a few twists or a couple squirts away from a call to poison control.
Yet the “protection” we do have just makes life more difficult. Most households rarely need safety devices like these. The CPSC obviously didn’t do its job very well in the first place if it missed security on the more dangerous products. If you were really trying to protect toddlers, you would know it’s easier to get into accessible cleaning products. I guess I should be careful what I wish for before someone sues the big chemical companies and padlocks become mandatory on all kitchen cabinets.
Parents should just lock up all potentially harmful things and call it a day! (Just like you would do with alcohol when your kids become teenagers.)
№051
Michael J. Fox
For causing skateboard accidents.
THE FACTS
Great Scott! Back to the Future is the best movie of all time. I watched it so many times in my youth, I can recite the entire movie by heart. I am sure you have seen it multiple times yourself. But in case your religion bans the viewing of PG movies, I will give you a few keywords: Michael J. Fox, the eighties, the fifties, skateboards, time machine, and 1.21 gigawatts!
Here is the only problem with the film: In the beginning, Marty McFly (Fox) is late to school. He rushes off on his skateboard and proceeds
to hitch a ride on the rear bumpers of a few vehicles. He does this again toward the middle of the movie to evade his enemy, Biff. This act of being pulled behind a vehicle on a skateboard is called skitching. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen when I was ten years old. Unfortunately, it’s also one of the most dangerous things you can do on a skateboard.
[you] RIFE!
I annoyingly begged my dad for an exact replica of Marty’s skateboard for my birthday. Shortly after getting acclimated on it, I was determined to be like Mike! I had it planned—I would secretly grab on to the back of my mom’s car on her way to the store. I did just that, and quickly lost control of the board. My fingers got stuck on the bumper and I could not let go. I was pulled half a block before I could get free. My mom had no idea, and I hobbled back in bloody shame. After she found out, I was forced, as punishment, to play in the soccer tournament the next day still severely damaged with road rash. Mr. Fox, your cool yet risky actions were not resistant enough to imitation by a die-hard fan. How many other nameless victims injured themselves in similar accidents? We blame you!
Unfortunately, my favorite childhood movie star was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 1991. But instead of complaining about it, he took action. The Teen Wolf has achieved great strides in Parkinson’s awareness and research. You are more than forgiven for your jovial skateboard stunts. We love you. All we want to know is when Mattel’s gonna start selling those hoverboards!
№052
Mike Ramsay and Jim Barton
For inventing TiVo.
THE FACTS
TiVo was invented by Ramsay and Barton in the late nineties. TiVo is great. If you can’t afford one or don’t subscribe to a DVR service, you’re spending too much money on drugs. Put down the pipe, pick up the phone, and order one. When you do, you’ll feel a sudden, almost overwhelming sense of freedom, similar to a pardoned death row inmate. I’m not kidding—your toes will tingle and your head will spin all the way around from excitement once you’ve been paired with this magical recording box. No longer do you have to rush home or fear missing your favorite programming ever again! You are free from being a slave to the inconsiderate network time slots. Channel surfing will be a thing of the past. And commercials? You will never have to hear one more “HeadOn, apply directly to the forehead” ever again!
[you] RIFE!
Take note: This perfect invention does have inevitable flaws. Pure evil will escape and fill the TV room with backhanded selfishness. The evil usually starts seeping out in mass quantities once your significant other and/or roommate discover TiVo’s capabilities. Once this happens they will then turn against you.
Let’s say you live with your lover, spouse, or friend and maintain a healthy relationship. As soon as you begin to share this device, put 911 on speed dial, set up a spy camera, arm yourself with dinnerware, and prepare to catch them TiVo-tampering. And beware: The TiVo can backstab its owner as well. Let’s say you delete a Gilmore Girls rerun to make space for recording a playoff game. Remember, TiVo doesn’t make mistakes; you make mistakes. And you will probably become a statistic on the domestic abuse victims list—NOT by mistake.
If TiVo starts meddling with your domestic lifestyle, I suggest you perform a séance. Break out the candles, face your palms up, and start chanting “Light as a feather, stiff as a board, we shall fight over TiVo—NO more.” And remember, sharing is a good thing (unless, of course, it’s a song and the music industry catches you).
№053
IBM
For inventing spell-checker.
THE FACTS
The first spell-checker was created by a group of six linguists from Georgetown University for IBM in the late seventies. The first spell-check program for a personal computer was created in 1980. From there, it became an integral part of all word-processing software. Today, even Web browsers have spell-check support that will alert you with red underlining when the smart side of your brain farts.
[you] RIFE!
Software like this makes us lazy and stupid.
Unfortunately, I am the worst abuser of this spelling aid. Okay, I will admit it: I cheated on my spelling tests as a kid. It has haunted me my entire life. The night before a test, I would press extra hard while writing the spelling words in a notebook. I would then remove the top page, revealing below a sheet of paper that had a faint imprint of the words already spelled correctly. Then I would simply use that piece of paper for the test. Quite deviant, I know.
Maybe I am to blame, ’cause people like me are the reason they invented spell-check in the first place. Maybe it’s the teacher’s fault for not catching me. Or, possibly, IBM is accountable for being too geeky and creating the damn thing. Either way, it’s turning our heads into Jell-O. Consequently, studies have shown that if the average man were forced to compete in a one-on-one spelling bee faceoff, broccoli would win.
№054
The Yellow Pages
For wasting trees.
THE FACTS
Every year, five hundred and forty million phone directories are delivered in the United States. That’s nearly two books for every American. Nineteen million trees and 7.2 billion barrels of oil are used in making these over-issued directories.
The Reuben H. Donnelley Company claims that it published the first classified telephone directory for the Chicago area around 1886. The phone book was a great tool for a long time, but most of us have moved on. Unless you need a booster seat, or you are doing experiments on MythBusters, they are a complete waste of trees.
Thanks to advertisements, the publishers of these nearly obsolete directories are making $14 billion yearly in the U.S. Even if the phone book becomes obsolete, these companies will surely fight hard to keep them in circulation, because they account for 97 percent of their revenues. Only 3 percent comes from online directories.
[you] RIFE!
When was the last time you actually looked up a phone number in a phone book? If you are like me, it has been years! Our world has rapidly transformed, and we use digital directories now. But for some Americans, old habits die hard. It’s fine if they want to send an old-timer his big phone index, but I don’t need mine anymore. So STOP sending it to me!
There is a number to call to stop the delivery of the useless yellow book. I called it and opted out, but it didn’t work. They still send me two. If you like, call them to see if you can get them to stop your delivery. Hopefully you get better results. In the meantime, here are some uses for unwanted phone books: recycle it, use it as a kindling for a fireplace or campfire, shred it and use it on your garden to prevent weeds, ball it up and use it instead of peanuts for packing, make it into papier-mâché, or use it for bra stuffing to save on costly surgery.
№055
Maurice Gatsonides
For inventing photo traffic citations.
THE FACTS
Maurice Gatsonides was a Dutch rally car driver who invented the speed camera in the 1950s. He originally created the device to measure cornering speed and improve his racing. Unfortunately, he chose to use his invention for evil by creating a company named Gatso and selling his sneaky equipment to law enforcement agencies. European cities use it for red light cameras and photo radar for speeding violations. Recently, many U.S. cities have embraced the “spying” technology.
If you have not seen one of these obtrusive metal contraptions near an intersection of a stop-and-go light, then DO NOT move from the town you’re living in. Red light cameras are now being used in thirty cities in nineteen states.
[you] RIFE!
Studies have shown that red light cameras actually increase the number of accidents at the “enforced” intersections. The problem is that drivers who want to avoid a ticket will dangerously speed through an intersection. Also, many accidents happen because people slam on their breaks to avoid going through a yellow light for fear of a fine caused by the dreaded photo flash, which then causes rear-end collisions.
Gatso, you sold your soul! What horrible iron
y too: You first made your living from driving fast and dangerously, then you profit from others driving fast and dangerously illegally. You betrayed your passion, along with your fellow countrymen. You became nothing but a glorified tattletale who will be cursed and detested by ticketed victims as the anti-motor-Christ.
For those of you with a lead foot who have trouble keeping the speedometer at the double-nickel, keep an eye out for potential speed cameras in the future. And cameras, why don’t you make yourself useful by photographing men shaving and women putting on makeup while driving? (You know who you are.)
№056
Overprotective parents
For ruining children.
THE FACTS
There are roughly forty million children between five and fourteen years old in the U.S. About one hundred and thirty die every year from riding a bike. That is 0.0003 percent. To put things into perspective, your odds of getting struck by lighting are 0.0002 percent. So basically, the odds of a child dying due to not wearing a helmet are slim to none. Also, the odds of your child being stolen in a non-custody-related child abduction are about one in a million. Your kid is one hundred times more likely to have a genius IQ. It’s time to stop hovering. Lay off constantly giving instruction. Quit ruling out activities based on a danger factor. Not wearing a condom is dangerous and you still did that! You cannot protect children from everything, so STOP overdoing it! Worrying too much can have negative consequences.
[you] Ruined It for Everyone! Page 6