[you] RIFE!
Overprotective parents are ruining our children’s futures. Parents today are taking physical and emotional protection of their kids too far. I am neither promoting neglect nor am I discouraging helmets. I am, however, advocating healthy mental growth in our youth. Don’t teach children to fear failure. Sometimes kids must fall and hurt themselves to learn what not to do. If you never experience failure in what you are bad at, you will never feel accomplishment in what you do well. Nobody is good at everything. Yes, they will cry, and yes, they will bleed. This is called CHARACTER. Allow them to build it, because one day (believe it or not) they will have to function on their own.
Here are a few things the older generations survived just fine: no helmets, no cell phones, no childproof containers, no antibacterial wipes, rides in the back of pickup tucks, shared drinks, eating paint, eating sugar, going to the store alone, breaking bones without filing lawsuits, eating worms, playing with firecrackers, and staying out past dark while still making it home alive.
№057
Jack Welch
For security tag false alarms.
THE FACTS
Jack Welch invented the annoying beeping you frequently encounter at the entrance/exit of your favorite store. He didn’t invent the sound; he just created the device that triggers the noise. Jack, along with his cousin, invented and produced the noisy antitheft device in the 1960s. Little did they know that they would be creating the world’s most worthless security device (well, second only to the car alarm). Their company still leads the electronic security market worldwide. They sell over a billion dollars’ worth of the noisy anti-shoplifting tags every year, although I don’t understand why store owners waste their time with these ineffective devices.
Take note of what really happens the next time one of these buzzers goes off. Once the alarm sounds, if a clerk even turns his head, be surprised. Usually, nobody will. If someone does, they will glance for a quick racial profiling and see if you look like a thief. Then, if you don’t run or impersonate Winona, they’ll probably just wave you on.
[you] RIFE!
Thanks for nothing, Jack. I am sure we would give praise if you had actually invented something that worked! As far as I can tell, this POS just creates a lot of noise and frustration. Cell phones and purchased clothing with metal strips sewn in account for most of the false alarms.
Maybe this device works in theory, but the execution sucks. The problem is fueled by user error—employees don’t remove tags and forget to demagnetize the strips.
The excessive amount of false alarms has desensitized us. The alarm should go off only when an item is being stolen, with NO exceptions. Remember, the best theft deterrent is fear, the fear of being caught and the fear of punishment. Maybe it’s time we started cutting off fingers! Or even worse, locking shoplifters up in white padded rooms with the security device alarms blaring for a couple of days. Ah… the sweet sound of justice.
№058
Alex Rodriguez
For teaching children it’s okay to cheat.
THE FACTS
Alex Rodriguez is the highest-paid ballplayer in Major League Baseball. He has played ball for the Texas Rangers, the Seattle Mariners, and the New York Yankees. Many believe him to be one of the best players of all time. He is also the youngest player to hit five hundred home runs. It’s quite amazing how far he can whack that white ball with the red stitching. However, it has come to light that he had a little help from a “friend.”
In response to the revelation of his steroid use, Alex stated, “I’m guilty for a lot of things. I’m guilty for being negligent, naive, not asking all the right questions… To be quite honest, I don’t know exactly what substance I was guilty of using.” Spare us. You knew exactly what you were doing and exactly what you were taking.
[you] RIFE!
Poor little A-Rod. You are just a victim, boohoo. We all feel so sorry for you and the pressures society has put on you. Oh—wait a minute… you cheated your way to the top by taking performance-enhancing drugs. No—we don’t feel sorry for you—AT ALL. We should start issuing a no-tolerance law for this sort of bullshit.
Some say he wasn’t hurting anybody, only himself. You know, he didn’t train dogs to kill other dogs, or rape some underage girls or intentionally injure another player. Screw that! He was our hero and he lied. It’s not okay to break the rules. He taught our children it’s okay to cheat your way to the top! This is their idol? Great role model, A-hole. And worst of all, you’re still allowed to play. Hey, A-Rod, hopefully you can right this wrong and do some good in your life. Maybe tour high schools teaching sports safety and how to hit the right vein?
I’m sick of all of the “asterisks” that keep popping up in the record books. It’s disappointing for the ballplayers who played it straight. Here are some “top” players we should denounce for their alleged drug use: Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro, and Jose Canseco. Since you weren’t sacked from baseball—you’re fired from being our heroes.
№059
The automatic-flush toilet inventor
For a cockamamie idea.
THE FACTS
I am not even going to waste my time looking up who invented this worthless contraption.
[you] RIFE!
Everyone poops—it’s a fact of life. Every household and business has at least one toilet. It’s a big industry. There’s a lot of money to be made in the disposal of human excrement. Unfortunately, there’s not much room for improvement. But of course some idiot had to go and ruin a good thing.
Many public restrooms now have auto-flush commodes and urinals. The only benefit to the auto-flush toilet is sanitation, but it’s nothing a simple hand washing (which everyone should be doing after dropping the kids off at the pool) can’t fix.
The negatives certainly outweigh the barely positive. Auto-flushing never seems to work when it’s supposed to. There’s no opportunity to either pre-flush or courtesy flush. It’s scary for small children. If it flushes too often, water is wasted. If it works too little, it’s unsanitary. There’s just too much room for error, especially when a highly effective foot or hand lever will do the trick.
If you think the toilet-seat lever is the dirtiest thing in your day, think again. The door handles to the stall and bathroom door are usually dirtier. If the inventor wanted to get anal with the lavatory experience, he should have created an automatic door opener. Here are some other things usually dirtier than a toilet: a cell phone, a keyboard, a mouse, a faucet, a kitchen sponge, a purse, a wallet, money, and makeup.
With that said, just how clean are you? It takes about twenty seconds of washing to get your hands germ-free. When was the last time you did that?
№060
Photoshop
For tricking us into online dating.
THE FACTS
Adobe Photoshop is a photo-editing software application used for many things, including photo altering and enhancing. Every single picture you see in a magazine was altered in some way to look better than it really is, usually through Photoshop. Unfortunately, a law preventing overembellishment while using this type of software has not been passed. Now the online dating community is flooded with suspiciously enhanced and/or modified photos.
Just look at some of these dating and social networking sites. These people are HOT! The not-so-fine line between enticement and porn has been crossed. It’s basically soft-core smut. Check it out. Forty million Americans already do!
[you] RIFE!
If you’re single and looking, you’ll soon find that there aren’t many social outlets to search for a soul mate. I mean, you can always try flowers or a compliment like “You smell nice,” but in today’s nonsocial environment you will probably be served with a sexual harassment suit. You could also ask your friends to set you up with someone, but only if you are interested in burning a bridge or two. Or maybe you’re old-fashioned and you want to take your chances at a bar. Guess again: If you�
��re a dude, you only have a 2 percent chance of any relationship ever happening there. Ready to give up? Well, hold on… there is one choice left… It’s called online dating. This can be a viable solution—BUT BE WARNED: Photoshop has made it tricky. You now have to look at photos of people who might not be as hot as their pictures may appear. There is really no way of knowing if a smudge on a forehead isn’t really just a post-edited third eye. And here’s the kicker: Why do we have such high expectations to begin with? It’s because the magazine covers are ALSO being Photoshopped. You bastards!
Here are some online dating photo don’ts (from a man’s perspective):
• Ditch the photo of you and your dog. Do I even have to explain?
• Black-and-white photos are not allowed. Don’t use them unless you’re Rita Hayworth.
• Get rid of photos with friends. Unless you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting.
№061
R. Stanton Avery
For leaving a sticky residue.
THE FACTS
In 1935, R. Stanton Avery manufactured the first self-adhesive label (a.k.a. the sticker). It had a paper surface with a coat of adhesive that peeled from a silicone backing and stuck to just about anything. Today, stickers can be found on almost every consumer product we buy.
It’s not the sticker that upsets most people. It’s the removal of it! And the sticky residue marring your brand new purchase.
[you] RIFE!
Enough is enough. Life is complicated already without the added grief of having to remove this gooey crap from everything we buy. Lately, it seems retailers have become even more sticker crazy. I want a refund on my time! If you want to make it come off in a few pieces so shoplifters won’t be able to reassemble it onto a more expensive item, then do it. But for fuck’s sake, use easily peeling adhesive.
I have tried everything to remove this stuff: WD-40, a hair dryer, Scotch tape, razor blades, rubbing alcohol, lighter fluid, even profusely cursing at it. However, nothing seems to work. The most successful way to get rid of the sticker is to simply throw the entire product in the dumpster. Once it is trash, it becomes someone else’s problem, and then you can sigh with relief.
Here is a list of other things that are annoyingly impossible to remove: pine tree sap, magic marker, wax, bubble gum, buffalo wing sauce under fingernails, salmon smell, the lid on old maple syrup, wrinkles, oil-based paint, scratches on the new car, wine stains, orange patina from Cheetos, purple-sucker tongue, safety info on car sun visors, loud neighbors, hair, funnily shaped moles, cancer, acne, and most politicians.
№062
Germaphobes
For ruining immune system development.
THE FACTS
Is there such a thing as too clean?
Ever wonder why they tell you not to drink the water in Mexico? Mexicans seem unfazed by drinking their H2O. It’s because your body has not built up an immunity to the extra germs in their water. Germs are what STRENGTHEN an immune system. The more you encounter at a young age, the more your body will learn to fight them off. Take note, I am not telling you to go lick your nearest gas station commode. I am, however, telling you to stop overdoing it with the antibacterial stuff.
Believe it or not, most bacteria out there are serving a good purpose.
[you] RIFE!
Germaphobes are ruining the development of our children’s immune systems. Parents think they are doing the right thing by overprotecting their kin from bacteria. However, we need these bacteria for proper development. Just like children need exercise for strong bones and muscles, they need germs to build a healthy resistance to infections. This includes being exposed to allergens ranging from dust to pollen to cat dander.
It’s believed that antibacterial soaps promote super-resistant BAD bacteria. Not to mention these harsh cleansers destroy GOOD bacteria as well. Good bacteria are vital for digestion, germ fighting, making vitamins, and protecting our skin.
But don’t throw away your antibacterial gels and soaps just yet. Use them when someone at work or home gets diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease or when a pandemic is in effect. Also, you can do other things to fight bacteria, such as avoiding using the same towel for drying your hands over and over (this is one of those bad-bacteria traps). And seriously, don’t drink the water in Mexico.
№063
The U.S. Department of Agriculture
For inventing the four food groups.
THE FACTS
Since 1894, the USDA has been developing and redeveloping the dietary food standards for the American people. It’s the agency that suggests what we should eat and how much. Ever hear of the food pyramid? Thank the USDA. Once upon a time, the USDA even stuffed all of our food into four groups. I mean, it was quite profound, especially since there used to be twelve groups around. It even made one group just dairy, and then forgot to categorize the Bloody Mary…
[you] RIFE!
Are you hungry? I am—damn. Damn, I am! And I do not like that USDA scam! I would not like it here, I would not like it there, I would not like it anywhere! It doesn’t even have a group for Spam, and I like my Spam. It makes me hungry. Damn, I am!
After the four-group-to-pyramid switch, we found choosing food to be a bitch. Do we eat a tasty fox, or add mustard to a cardboard box? This whole thing’s just too confusing. And it’s not weight that we’re losing! Hey! USDA. One day you’ll pay. If not today, then soon, with little delay!
Sorry… I went off on a tangent there. I can’t just end this RIFE on pabulum poems… Did you ever wonder what happened to the “Basic Four” food groups? Well, actually, through the years the USDA has gone from five, to twelve, to seven, to four, and back to five food groups. And then it made some generic pyramid. I’m sure it has some scientific reasoning, but the USDA changes its nutrition rules faster than most fad dieters. The system has become so confusing and depressing, it makes you want to eat only cheeseburgers. It doesn’t separate different types of proteins, suggests all complex carbs are good, thinks all fats are bad, doesn’t mention vitamins, and forgets to recommend exercise. Hope your dinner guest is Tom Hanks: Maybe he can help you decipher the food code! Now the USDA has a personalized “My Pyramid” scheme to complicate things more. But I think it’s all a scam. Check and see… Soon you’ll be yelling—LET ME BE!
№01/64
The imperial system of measurement
For not going away.
THE FACTS
The imperial system of measurement is a system of units based on a nearly one-thousand-year-old measuring standard. Its ideology is based on nature and everyday activities, NOT science. The imperial system originated in the U.K., which in turn lent it to the U.S. But differences were acquired over time. For example, the U.S. measuring system’s pint has sixteen ounces, and the version in England has twenty ounces. (Does that mean you will be more lightheaded if you donate a pint of blood in England?)
With the exception of the United States, all major countries have converted to the metric system. How is this possible? Oh, wait a minute, we are talking about the United States—land of the free, home of the pigheaded. While the U.S. has attempted to switch, unsuccessfully, in the past, we nevertheless march on with the inferior and confusing system.
[you] RIFE!
Imperial system, please go away. You are outdated and have no relevance in modern society. You should be hung out to dry like your old buddy Latin. The system was created by farmers one thousand years ago and it’s much more difficult to learn. Hell, just converting units is enough to give a student Tourette syndrome. The advantages of the metric system are clear: It’s a modern system based on scientific principles. There are only seven basic measurements. It’s easy to understand, because all the units in the metric system are multiples of ten. It’s smart and has relevance in today’s society. Which seems more logical to you?
a. Metric system: 1 meter = 10 decimeters = 100 centimeters = 1,000 millimeters.
b. Imperial system: 1 yard = 3
feet = 12 inches = various fractions of an inch.
We are in a digital-viewing, nano-researching, space-exploring, and technological era. Come on, America, it is time to get rid of a measurement based on some dead king’s stinky foot.
№065
John DeLorean
For producing only one car… sniff, sniff.
THE FACTS
John DeLorean was an American automobile engineer. A former GM exec well known for developing the Pontiac GTO and the Firebird, DeLorean was obsessed with the idea of creating his dream car, one that was “fun to drive, safe to operate, and long-lasting.” His eponymous DeLorean DCM-12 was first produced in 1981 and had a unique stainless steel finish with gull-wing-style flip-up doors. DeLorean came as close as anyone to successfully challenging the three overly powerful American carmakers. At the time, General Motors, Chrysler, and Ford were all shaking in their safety-buckles over actually having some American competition. On top of that, the car’s fame, and DeLorean’s own, were later catapulted into the stratosphere when the DCM-12 was immortalized as our favorite time machine (see RIFE №051).
[you] Ruined It for Everyone! Page 7