[you] Ruined It for Everyone!

by Matthew Vincent

  Unfortunately, none of this would change the car industry the way it should have. The entrepreneur hit financial turmoil shortly after getting his company off the ground. And what, may you ask, does a venturesome car company owner do when he runs out of money?… He sells drugs.

  Undercover federal agents proposed a drug trafficking deal to DeLorean that would supposedly bring in millions to save his business. In 1982, the industrialist was arrested by the U.S. government for trafficking cocaine.

  [you] RIFE!

  John, you sold out to drug dealing and lost your car company. You couldn’t raise any more venture capital the legal way? People revered the car; if you asked for more money, they would have invested. You had a good thing going with the DeLorean Motor Company. I’m confident the auto industry would be different today if DMC continued with its innovations.

  Of course, the feds are to blame too. John DeLorean was found NOT guilty due to entrapment. The FBI simply persuaded a desperate man to commit an act he would not have otherwise considered. Great detective work, guys!

  Well, John, you gave a new meaning to the term car “dealer.” Rest in peace knowing, if given the chance, in today’s turmoil, the Big Three automakers would be more than happy to profit from a little booger sugar.

  №666

  Pope Siricius

  For being the devil in disguise.

  THE FACTS

  Pope Siricius was pope from 384 to 399 AD. He was the guy who started the whole no-sex-for-clergy thing. But take note, he wasn’t exactly a purist. He was married, and then left his wife for the church. So basically, the Catholic Church promoted him for getting a divorce? Interesting.

  In 1985, sexual abuse by a Catholic priest became a national issue in the United States for the first time. Gilbert Gauthe, a priest from Louisiana, pleaded guilty to eleven counts of molestation of boys. He admitted to molesting at least three dozen more. They gave him twenty years. He got out in ten. Then he got in trouble again. Unfortunately, these cases are not uncommon. It’s time for sex-offender sentencing to include a lobotomy.

  Four percent of U.S. priests ministering from 1950 to 2002 were accused of sex abuse with a minor. Roman Catholics spent $615 million on sex abuse cases in 2007—remember that when you place a dollar in the collection tray.

  [you] RIFE!

  Did these “holy” sex offenders forget to ask themselves, “WWJD?” Seriously, can we ever trust our children with a priest again? Pope Siricius not only ruined it for priests, but more importantly, he ruined it for the altar boys. As for Gilbert, you are one sick puppy. How you made it out of jail alive is beyond me. A priest used to be a figure of respect and trust, but no more. Gilbert surely sacrificed that.

  The Catholic Church’s halo isn’t exactly shining all that brightly either. For years, it swept cases like these under its Roman tapestries. If a priest was caught, the church would slap him on the wrist and just transfer him to a different parish (where he would usually commit the same ungodly acts). Gauthe was transferred three times before he was finally brought to justice. It’s time for a change! Seriously, nobody is going to call a priest unholy if he gets married. At least promote promiscuity between priests and nuns so they can release some holy sexual tension! As for Catholic followers, be extra suspicious if your priest drives a windowless van.

  №067

  Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling

  For destroying Enron.

  THE FACTS

  Enron started as an energy company. It dabbled in many investment areas and rapidly grew to be the seventh-largest corporation in America. Then it quickly folded in what became one of the biggest scandals of fraud and greed in history. Its bankruptcy took jobs, investor savings, retirement funds, and even a few lives. Now no one can ever really feel secure with his or her employer ever again.

  Enron achieved great success the old-fashioned way—by cheating. The company paid out millions of dollars in speculated profits that never arrived. The energy giant hid its losses by burying its debt into ghost companies it created. Then it paid off outside accountants to lie about its tax audits. And just before Enron tanked, its top executives liquidated their holdings while conning their loyal employees into holding on to the doomed stock. The head honchos made off with BAGS of cash while the employees and investors lost billions.

  [you] RIFE!—All of you!

  • Ken Lay: CEO and chairman of Enron. He was a forerunner of deregulation, which ultimately paved an easy path for his corporate abuses. He was found guilty of conspiracy and fraud. Unfortunately, he died before we could send him up the river.

  • Jeff Skilling: He started the mark-to-market accounting that gave access to money made on speculation. Well, now he can speculate if he’s next on Bubba’s prison-bitch list, because he’s currently rotting in jail.

  • Arthur Andersen: This was the “independent” accounting firm hired to review Enron’s books to protect the public. But nope, they took bribes and cooked the books.

  • The politicians: Both political parties had their hands in Enron’s deep pockets. And if we asked for a show of those hands, George W.’s administration would raise both.

  • The consultants: Enron’s lawyers, accountants, bankers, and advisers all knew it was a scam. They just kept their mouths shut and collected their kickbacks.

  • Enron employees: You guys lost so much it’s hard to blame you too—but we will anyway. Were sunglasses and canes part of your work-issued uniforms? It is amazing just how powerful denial can be. Want your money back? Turn the CEOs’ lawyers upside down and start shaking!

  №068

  Scott Boras and Drew Rosenhaus

  For ruining professional sports.

  THE FACTS

  Remember Bob Sugar in the film Jerry Maguire? He was the asshole sports agent who stole Jerry’s clients. Well, Drew Rosenhaus is the real-life Bob Sugar. In fact, the character was based on him. Make no mistake, Rosenhaus is a real-deal high-profile sports agent. He represents many NFL superstars. He’s an aggressive negotiator who drives up the prices and gets athletes ridiculous salaries. Similarly, Scott Boras is another notorious sports agent. His clients are baseball players. He is known as “baseball’s most hated man.” Boras also gets unheard-of deals for his clients. As a result, these deals usually hurt Major League Baseball by widening the gap between wealthy and poor teams.

  [you] RIFE!

  You greedy dicks. Here is the rundown: They get the high-profile players huge sums of money, which alienates them from the average professional player. The problem is, the big names already get multi-million-dollar endorsement deals anyway. Are they really increasing a star’s quality of living by negotiating an extra six million when they already make five? Or are they just worried about increasing their commissions? All they are really doing is raising our ticket prices, and, of course, just like Charlie Sheen’s love life, we pay for it.

  What is throwing a ball through a hoop worth? What is the cost of seeing someone whack a ball with a wooden stick or kick a ball into a net? Is it equal to someone saving a life? How about educating a child? Or fighting for others’ freedom? We really need to rethink who the heroes are, and how they should be rewarded. Teachers, doctors, and firemen should be our heroes. Perhaps they are noble because they follow their hearts to do the right thing, all for shitty pay. Or maybe they are selling themselves short. Perhaps they should seek agent sponsorship. Give Scott or Drew a call and see what kind of contract they can fetch for you…

  In defense of the accused, Rosenhaus did once save the life of a young boy who nearly drowned by administering CPR to him. There might still be a spot for you at the Pearly Gates after all (but don’t hold your breath).

  №069

  Monica Lewinsky

  For sucking.

  THE FACTS

  “I’m going to the White House to get my presidential knee pads,” were the inevitable words uttered by Monica Lewinsky to a friend before leaving for her internship. In case you missed the nineties, she wo
re those knee pads right down to the bone. She had an eighteen-month fling with Bill Clinton that involved oral and phone sex. Their actions nearly took down a good U.S. president and permanently rubber-stamped his career with the words SEX SCANDAL.

  [you] RIFE!

  Monica, you were such a sucker (no, the other kind—get your head out of the gutter). Did you really think the president of the United States was in love with you? Let’s be realistic. But actually, the scandal wasn’t entirely your fault. You just gave the nobber. Your attention-seeking hobgoblin friend Linda Tripp was the one who spilled the beans.

  Okay, fine, you wanted to blow a president. That makes sense; I’m sure every young girl has dreams. So congratulations, you did it. But you should’ve just wiped your chin and kept your mouth shut! Next time wait until his term is up before showing off your oval rug burns to your friends. Well, anyway—we’re not mad anymore. What’s done is done. Besides, we are angrier about having to look at you in that stupid beret you wore on the cover of Time magazine.

  And now everyone thinks Clinton getting his knob shined by a pudgy, patriotic vixen distracted us from his goodness. But take a moment and look at his legislation—was he good or was he just protecting his own interests?

  • The Brady Bill. It’s the five-day handgun waiting period. Clinton probably passed that one just to protect his own hide from angry boyfriends and husbands.

  • The Three Strikes and You’re Out policy. A good piece of legislation—but I think that was just a typo on a leaked memo to Monica. It should’ve read: Three BITES and You’re Out.

  • The Safe Drinking Water Act. We all know how thirsty one gets after suckin’ on a cigar.

  • The Direct Loan Program. It was good for funding higher education. But what it comes down to is this—he just wanted his interns better educated on the theory that loose lips sink dicks.

  №070

  Tyler Durden

  For questioning the safety of our cars.

  THE FACTS

  Fight Club is a movie starring Ed Norton and Brad Pitt based on the novel written by Chuck Palahniuk. This movie is clever, exciting, and fun. A total guy flick that girls love too. The plot is witty and extremely well acted. Ed Norton plays the narrator, an automobile recall appraiser. In a small part of the movie, he reveals, in detail, the equation used to assess the potential of a car recall. Ed Norton’s character explains, “You take the population of vehicles in the field (A) and multiply it by the probable rate of failure (B), then multiply the result by the average cost of an out-of-court settlement (C). A times B times C equals X. This is what it will cost if we don’t initiate a recall. If X is greater than the cost of a recall, we recall the cars and no one gets hurt. If X is less than the cost of a recall, then we DON’T recall.”

  [you] RIFE!

  Thanks for that tidbit of information. Now every time we travel by car, we can never fully trust the safety of our vehicles. Just that slight doubt will always screw with our subconscious. Unfortunately, after a little research, I found the equation to be true.

  In 1970, Ford introduced the Pinto. It was a subcompact designed to compete with foreign carmakers. During production, problems were found in the gas tank assembly. The fuel tank was weak and, in the event of a rear-end collision, would leak and easily ignite. Unfortunately, the human body wasn’t built Ford tough, which resulted in many fiery deaths. Of course, Ford was aware of the defect and could have retooled the Pinto’s design during production, but it chose not to. The auto giant could have issued a recall after cars started exploding, but it didn’t allow that either. Instead, Ford did the math and decided it would be cheaper to pay the potential lawsuits.

  How much is your life worth? Given Ford’s estimated out-of-court settlements for death in 1970, it’s around $200,000.

  №071

  Sony’s Betamax

  For starting format wars.

  THE FACTS

  Sony has produced a lot of great products over the last few decades. The company has had some major flops too, Betamax being the most famous (although the MiniDisc player was a close second). In this decade-long battle, JVC’s VHS won the format race. But why? Beta came out first and was actually superior in quality compared to its competition.

  Beta failed mostly because of its short recording time, a measly one hour at first. People wanted to record movies and football games, and this just wouldn’t cut it. Eventually, Sony would extend the play time, but Beta always trailed VHS. The inferior product also failed to win consumers over because of Sony’s awful marketing, bad design, and high price point.

  But let’s get to the key factor behind VHS’s victory—porn was not available on Betamax.

  [you] RIFE!

  Sony had to ruin it by not fighting hard enough to win over the consumer (and for being too goody-goody about the smut videos). Of course, the real losers here are all the chumps who didn’t buy VHS in the first place. It was quite a costly transition to make (especially since the DVD craze came shortly after). And of course, every consumer would eventually be hit by the wave of similarly snide technology companies that continually change platforms and media players just because they can.

  So don’t worry, Sony isn’t shedding a tear; it’s back on top with Blu-ray. Which, of course, means you will soon have to update that tired old DVD collection you spent years building. It just goes to show that in a battle versus technology, you will always lose. What does this mean for the future? Due to changing formats, you will have to repurchase the Beatles’ “White Album” at least six more times in your life.

  №072

  Car alarm users

  For making a lot of noise.

  THE FACTS

  A car is stolen every twenty-six seconds in the United States. Cars are easy to steal; they even have a built-in getaway system. The odds of your car being stolen are one in two hundred. You have a 13 percent chance of getting your car back. On average, the authorities are called to the scene only 1 percent of the time when a car alarm is triggered.

  An educated guess would all but guarantee a car‘s (false) alarm is blaring somewhere in your town with no one thinking of stealing it. Rather than theft, you have a greater chance of vandalism happening to your door in the shape of someone’s annoyed boot print.

  [you] RIFE!

  You can’t blame the inventor for this one: The product performs as advertised. A car alarm won’t promise the security of your car; it only guarantees that it will make a lot of annoying noise if someone ever tries to jack it (and plenty more times when a garbage truck rumbles by). The liability on this one goes to everyone who still uses car alarms. They so don’t work. They just make an irritating racket and give people headaches. It has gotten to the point where everyone just tunes them out. Here is an idea: Why not make a silent alarm that alerts your phone and gives GPS coordinates when a thief steals your car? Then an iPhone app could automatically pop up and give an “Electrocute or Eject?” option. Something more like David Hasselhoff’s old ride. This way you may actually be able to get your car back and then catch, prosecute, AND have some fun with the car thief.

  Here are more effective car theft deterrent systems to try before you buy KITT from NBC:

  • Kill switch

  • LoJack

  • An empty gas tank

  • A chauffeur

  • Snipers

  • Or just stop paying your parking tickets and the police will attach the ultimate antitheft device—the boot.

  • And if none of this works, just take the bus!

  №073

  Asbestos companies

  For making our lungs biohazard sites.

  THE FACTS

  Asbestos is a naturally occurring mineral. There is no doubt that asbestos is a great building material. It has incredible heat resistance, which makes it flame-retardant. It has wonderful insulating properties. As long as it does not enter your lungs, there’s no problem. Unfortunately, prolonged inhalation exposure, usually with individuals
working in the factories that manufacture the product, will result in extreme health problems, most prominently terminal cancer.

  In 1951, asbestos companies (having control over both the experiments and the printing of asbestos-related studies) removed all references to cancer before allowing their self-sponsored research to be made public. A year later a medical director at the building-insulation company Johns Manville attempted to force asbestos companies, including his own, to place a warning label on all of their products to reduce the risk of disease in workers. However, the massive companies ignored his efforts, and it took a continued loss of life for the public to find out the truth.

  [you] RIFE!

  As the saying goes, “Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it.” The ancient Greeks used asbestos for tablecloths and clothing because they could be cleaned in fire and would not burn. But since there was such a high demand for large-sized doilies and sear-proof panties, many slaves who worked with asbestos became deathly ill from the same health problems of the modern era. Unfortunately, there was no Wikipedia in the 1950s for easy research. As a result, people died.