All In

by O'Donahue, Fallon

  I took less than a minute for Lo to barge in, Cass realizing that she may be saved from a public announcement, but she was in no way saved from her friend’s wrath.

  “You are a selfish bitch, you know that?” Lo shut the door and stared at her, hand on hip and all.

  “Lo-“

  “Oh, no. No. You don’t get to give me some bullshit excuse. I let you cry on my shoulder. I put you into sexy dress and ‘fuck me’ pumps, and then…nothing. Nada. No stories. No answer. For all I know, that idiot could have kidnapped you and hid you away in a house in the mountains, hobbling you so you can’t run away…”

  “Stop reading Stephen King, Lo.”

  “Shut up. Shhhhhh,” Lo continued, waving her hand at Cass. “No. You listen up, Missy. You will go to lunch with me today. You will tell me everything. You will then hear my verdict.”

  “Verdict? What?”

  “Oh, the jury’s still out on you two, honey. And this silence? Oh, hell no. That does not bode well,” Lo pursed her lips, her hard eyes meeting Cass’ raised eyebrows. Her friend was losing it.

  “If I agree to lunch, you’ll agree to let me do my work?” Cass asked, taking the opening her friend was giving her. Lunch was a few hours away, and if Lo left her alone, she might be able to fit in some time to come up with how she would explain Maddox to her.

  Lo nodded, tapping her foot.

  “Done.”

  “Noon,” Lo demanded, as she opened the door.

  “Noon.”

  * * *

  At 9:15 Cass’ phone buzzed.

  M: Baby girl, I miss you.

  Cass smiled. She answered honestly.

  C: Miss you, too.

  M: You’re too far away.

  C: I’m in an office down the hall, crazy man.

  M: That’s too far away.

  C: And where would you have me?

  M: You have to ask?

  C: No office nookie.

  M: That’s cold.

  C: Frigid Bitch Queen at your service.

  M: I’m throwing that crown away.

  C: Not going to happen.

  M: It’s going down.

  C: Well, someone is.

  M: Cass!

  C: You set it up.

  M: Too many things are up now.

  C: Bad man.

  M: And you love it.

  She paused. The old Cass would’ve said, “You know I do,” but that response felt so loaded now. She sighed.

  M: Cass?

  The buzzing brought her back to reality. She’d waited too long.

  C: Yes?

  The flirting bubble deflated.

  M: Just making sure.

  C: Of what?

  M: That I have your attention.

  C: Haha. You’re a complete and utter distraction, bad man. Now I have to get back to work before my boss fires me.

  M: Yes, he’s a ruthless dick.

  Cass smiled.

  C: Completely.

  * * *

  Lunch came faster than Cass realized, and she hadn’t had much thinking time. Her internet project was on the verge of falling behind, and she spent most of the morning developing a plan to keep it on track. The developers were running into snag after snag updating the interface from ancient to cutting edge, and it was taking its toll. It didn’t help that Phil was trying to dictate things he knew nothing about. The man was great at infrastructure, but web design? He was an idiot, and she had her team working like dogs to make sure no one looked stupid when he presented things to the senior partners.

  By the time she grabbed her purse to head out with Lo, Cass was edgy and frustrated—emotions she was having trouble setting aside so she could think clearly enough to deal with the interrogation she was about to face.

  The one thing she could count on, though, was Lo’s sense of self-preservation as she read Cass’ facial expression.

  “He’s a dick,” Lo stated as they got in the car.

  “What?!” Cass exclaimed. “He-“ She stopped herself. “Oh, Phil.”

  Lo laughed. “Of course, Phil. We’ll discuss the other dick later, but I’m supposing we have to get this dark cloud over your head to calm the fuck down. He’s being a controlling ass.”

  Cass laughed. “More so than usual,” she sunk down into the passenger’s seat letting anxiety’s grip loosen from her muscles.

  “What did he do today?”

  “What didn’t he do?” Cass mumbled then rolled out the number of ways her boss was wronging her and her team. His condescension, ridiculous requests, and lack of flexibility on their timeline. “I think he’s looking for a way to fire me.”

  “Girl, he’s looking for a way to fire us all. He wants a whole new regime. His regime. Then he can have everything his way,” Lo agreed, but not necessarily making her feel any better. “But you know Maddox won’t let him.”

  “But Mad isn’t here all the time. He’s not in control of Phil like he was, and he’s not-“

  “Honey, Mad isn’t going to fire you. He’s not even going to let Phil fire you.”

  “I know. But eventually…”

  “We’re all going to leave anyway,” Lo said what Cass had been thinking.

  All she could do was nod.

  “What happened this weekend?” Lo asked, changing the subject to something that wasn’t any more comfortable. Cass closed her eyes and sighed.

  “Can I order my burger first?” Cass asked, her voice weak and pleading.

  Lo laughed. “With a side of margarita?”

  “Oh, honey, with a pitcher,” she laughed.

  * * *

  The red vinyl of the booth squeaked as Cass sank into the seat, and the waitress took their orders quickly. They may have joked about margaritas, since they had to return to work, but she was sure Phil would definitely fire her if she showed up three margaritas shy of a tequila bottle. Still the shakes at this burger joint were no joke. There was a chocolate mocha banana shake on its way accompanied by a turkey burger. She knew it was a sin against the term “burger,” but she had to trim a couple of calories off her meal somewhere.

  “You ready to dish?” Lo asked, sipping her lemon water.

  “No,” Cass answered honestly.

  “Well, you’re gonna.”

  Cass sighed.

  “What do you want to know?” Cass asked. She really didn’t know where to start.

  “Let’s start simple. You had dinner?”

  “Yes.”

  “And it went well?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you didn’t kill each other?”

  “Nope.”

  “Okay, I can tell this is going to be fun…” Lo trailed off, letting out her own sigh.

  Cass looked at her friend, realizing she was being hard on her, and guilt smacked her in the face. Lo never held back from Cass. She put her heart out there, telling her anything and everything about her love life. Sometimes it seemed like she was sharing too much, but she trusted Cass implicitly, and Cass realized she was a terrible friend in that she never returned that trust. Lo had never once, in all the years she’d known her, betrayed her. She knew how Cass felt about Maddox, and yet she never told anyone about it. She hid it as well as Cass—probably better. She’d rarely opened up to Lo, one of the biggest admissions coming just two nights before, and now she had left Lo hanging. It wasn’t fair to her.

  “I’m sorry. I’m not good at this. You know I want to tell you-“ Cass admitted.

  “Do you? I mean, it doesn’t seem-“

  “Lo! I want to tell you. It’s just hard. It’s so, um, so…new…so surreal.”

  Lo remained silent, allowing Cass to work up her courage.

  “Dinner was amazing. Well the end was amazing. Maddox was, oh, I don’t even know. He took me to Marceux.”

  “Shit. Really? How’d he even get a table? That place has a mile long waiting list!”

  Cass laughed. “You know, I was so nervous, I didn’t even ask!”

  “Well, go on,” Lo p
rompted.

  Cass closed her eyes. “It was gorgeous. When they say it’s a private dining experience, they mean it. I swear, Lo, I thought he was going to end it right there.”

  “But he didn’t, did he?”

  “No, no. Quite the opposite,” Cass took a long draw on her much needed shake, the sweetness soothing her nerves.

  “He finally admitted he’s madly in love with you?” Lo smirked.

  “Oh, good grief, no!” Cass coughed, almost choking on her banana mocha goodness. “That would’ve been the perfect way to completely freak me out! Too much, too fast. It’s already too much, and I don’t even know what it is!”

  “Too much? What happened after dinner?”

  “Well, there might have been a lot of wine and bubbles…”

  “Girl! You had drunk sex!” Lo whisper exclaimed.

  The corners of Cass’ lips turned up as she took another sip of shake and said nothing. She knew the silence would drive Lo mad, and she sort of reveled in it a little.

  “Cass! C’mon. You had sex right?”

  Cass nodded, her eyes glittering as she remembered that night, the next morning, and the entire day before. Her aches, glorious aches, wouldn’t let her forget.

  “You had good sex!” her friend reached out and smacked her hand. “Dish, girl!”

  “It wasn’t good-“

  “What?!” Lo’s voice carried, and a few heads turned their way. Cass shook her head.

  “Shhh. Listen. It wasn’t good. It was fantastic. And not a little fantastic…” Cass leaned forward. “Mind blowing, life altering, never going to be the same fantastic.”

  Lo laughed. “Oh, girl, you are so in deep! And I’m so proud of you!”

  “But Lo, it was one weekend. We’ve been friends for so long. I don’t know-“

  “Shut it down now, Cassidy. Shut those voices down. I know you. You’re going to talk yourself out of this. You always do this. Maybe not yesterday. Maybe not today. Maybe not even tomorrow. But honey, you’ve got to just let go of all that doubt.”

  Lo reached across the table and grabbed her hands.

  “Look at me,” Lo said, and Cass met her very serious gaze. “You deserve happiness. You deserve every goodness you’ve ever desired. I know I tell you this all the time, and most of the time you totally ignore me. But don’t ignore me now. Don’t pretend to be okay. Talk about it. Tell me your doubts, but don’t let them take root. Not this time.”

  Cass smiled at her friend, grateful for everything she was offering.

  “I don’t want to let them in this time. I want to let him make me happy. But this is Maddox, and I don’t know if he can do this,” she admitted.

  A crease formed between Lo’s eyebrows. “What did he say?”

  “He said he was all in. He said he wants this. And I believe him, Lo. I really do. But this is what he does. He jumps in with both feet, and when it gets hard, he turns off. Cold as ice. I’ve seen it. And it scares the shit out of me.”

  “He’s not going to do that to you.”

  “You don’t know that. And I don’t want to be that girl who walks on eggshells around him. That will just make us both miserable.”

  “Then don’t,” Lo sat back in her plush seat.

  “What?”

  “Don’t walk on eggshells. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?”

  “That this ends. We end up hating each other, and I lose one of my best friends.”

  “Would you die if that happened?”

  “Of course not, but I’d be pretty damn miserable for a long ass time. I don’t know if I could go through that. I’m afraid it would ruin me. This isn’t like any of my exes. He’s not like them. He means so much more to me than that,” Cass admitted, and it was true. This wasn’t Blaine or the meaningless other relationships. This was the one man she’d let closer than any other man, and she knew losing him would destroy her in ways the other one’s didn’t.

  “You’d have me,” Lo smiled.

  “You don’t give me mind blowing sex,” Cass joked.

  “You don’t know that!” Lo retorted. “You insult my skills!”

  They both giggled.

  “I would never! With the way Dan looks at you, oh, hell, I know you’re that good.”

  Lo grinned. “Honey, here’s one thing I know. There’s no guarantee when it comes to this shit. You could be together twenty years before it falls apart, you could be together five minutes. But you’ll never know if you live afraid. He’s got his own shit to get together, and you have to let him. You also have to trust that, even if he gets cold feet, he won’t freeze you out like the others. You aren’t those other women to him, Cass. You’re not even his cold bitch of an ex-wife. You’re so much more. You’ve always been precious to him. So don’t shut him out. Let him in.”

  Cass remained quiet, her thoughts thick with indecision. Could she do this? Yes, she’d already let him in so far, but could she give herself over to him completely? Could she shut this down and allow herself to be happy with him, actually happy and not just hiding her anxiety by acting happy?

  “How do I do that, Lo? I don’t know how. How do you shut down all the demons that’ve been speaking to you for forever?” she asked, putting her face in her hands.

  “You beat those little shits down a tiny bit at a time. Let them try to bite, and then rip them apart,” she growled, the vehemence in her voice causing Cass to peek through her fingers.

  “Lo, what’s going on with you?” Cass asked, knowing that the change in tone was only partially for her.

  Lo shook her head. “This is about you.”

  “No, it’s not. I’ve been dealing with this shit forever, and we know it’s not going away fast. Besides, maybe the less I dwell in my own anxiousness the less likely it is that I let those—what did you call them? Ah, yes, little shits—take hold.”

  Lo’s face fell. “It’s Dan,” she admitted. “Honey, I don’t want to drag you into-“

  “Oh, no you don’t. Nope. You tell me!” Cass demanded.

  Her friend sighed, and it was then that Cass noticed the dark circles under her friend’s eyes. She realized she was being a terrible friend. Here was Lo, offering her all kinds of advice and friendship, and all Cass had done was worry about her own self. She was an awful person.

  “I think I’m in love with him,” she admitted, her eyes rolling up to the ceiling.

  Cass grinned. “And you’re just figuring this out now?”

  “Not exactly.”

  “But…”

  “He wants me to move in with him.”

  “And you want to?”

  “Oh, hell. I don’t know. I mean, I do. I love being with him, and we’re so, oh, the fireworks never go away. But, girl, this is moving in. With a man. With a man I was just supposed to be all sexy with and nothing more.”

  “What are you afraid of?”

  Lo cocked her head. “Afraid?”

  “Yeah. You’re sounding a lot more like me than you. So what’s got your panties in a bunch?” Cass asked. She knew what the answer was, but she wanted Lo to say it. The two of them knew each other too well.

  “I’m not afraid.” Lo put up her defenses. “I do not do afraid.”

  “Freaked out?”

  Lo pursed her lips. “Better. Maybe.”

  “Just say it.”

  “If I move in with him, this is it. This is the last man. The only man,” she admitted, and Cass smirked.

  “What’s so damn funny?” Lo spat.

  “You. You talk about using your looks before they’re gone, and I get that. But are you really willing to lose a great man because you feel like you’re missing out on men thinking you’re hot? They’re going to think you’re hot whether you’re taken or not. And when they’re gone? Not that I ever think they’re going to go,” Cass was quick to clarify when Lo’s eyebrow rose, “When they’re gone, what will you have? A bunch of memories and a thinned out pot of losers?”

  “I hate you,” Lo grumbled
, sipping her own shake.

  “Because I’m always right.”

  “Because you’re a smug bitch when you turn the tables.”

  “But I’m right,” Cass’ mouth quirked.

  “You’re right, dammit.”

  “So, what are you going to do?”

  “Think about it,” Lo said. “I told him I’d think about it and give him my answer after the gala.”

  “But your answer is…”

  Lo rolled her eyes.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Cass slurped the last of her shake. “I suppose we have to get back,” she sighed, looking at the time on her phone.

  “You’re going to be okay?” Lo asked as they walked out of the diner.

  “I’m going to be fine. One day at a time,” she admitted not only to Lo, but to herself.

  17

  Maddox

  “You are a sonofabitch, Maddox Paul,” a sassy voice jarred him out of his reverie. He had been staring at his computer reliving memories of the weekend. He’d have jumped up, but his pants were straining so hard, he was sure his dick would come bursting out if he stood up.

  “Lo…” he clenched his jaw.

  “If you hurt her-“ angry brown eyes glared at him behind a bevy of black curls.

  “Lo!” he sharpened his tone. “Can you please shut the door?”

  She narrowed her gaze, but did as he asked.

  “Let’s hash this out now, shall we?” he leaned forward and motioned to a chair. “I’m not hurting anyone.”

  “You will.”

  “I won’t.”

  “History tells a different story,” Lo crossed her arms, her bracelets clanging with the movement.

  “History is full of lessons for the future.”

  “Lessons that haven’t been learned to date.”

  She wasn’t giving up.

  Maddox closed his eyes, tamping down the anger that was threatening. He wanted to lash out at Lo. He wanted to tell her to get the fuck out of his business and that this was private. But he knew it wasn’t. He pulled back, knowing this was Lo’s way of protecting Cass, no matter how inappropriate he thought it might be.