He leaned back into the leather chair and scrubbed his hands down his sharp cheekbones. “I have to sit back and watch as she could possibly be hurt more than she has ever been before. All I want is to protect her- be there for her. But I’m stuck.”
Dominic looked on at Dmitri’s torn expression with sympathy. He knew it was probably the same as watching Nadia become sicker and being unable to do anything about it. Despite Dmitri’s protests to the contrary, he was a protector- he put the people he loved above all else. And even though it was sometimes hard for him to love, when he did, it was irrevocable. “Why are you stuck?”
“Sasha wants nothing to do with me. Even if she does still have feelings for me that won’t change what I did because I have lost her trust. And I’m starting to think there is no way of gaining it back.”
“You can’t give up,” Dominic urged. “Like you said, you understand what she’ll be going through more than she knows. You’ve held onto the same sore spot with your own mother.” He shook his head with a small chuckle. “It baffles me how much you two have literally exchanged positions; she holds people off the same way you did. And, if you’re right, and her mother doesn’t react to her sudden appearance as she hopes, I think this will be the turning point for her permanently closing herself off.”
Dmitri nodded in agreement. “I don’t want her to feel unwanted. Family is something she has always valued. What will happen when the last vestige of that dream becomes a nightmare? The PI isn’t watching Sasha; he’s watching her mother. And as soon as Sasha makes first contact, he’ll call me. She may not want me there, but I’ll make damn sure she is safe.”
Reluctantly, he set his cell phone down and stood from the leather chair. Stretching out his long muscular limbs, he groaned and shook his head. “But enough about my troubles…”
“You know, if things don’t work out with Sasha, I could always talk to her. I know now how much you care about her, and she may just need a nudge in the right direction,” Dominic offered, worried about his brother’s happiness.
Dmitri immediately shook his head. “Thank you but I can’t allow you to do that. There will be no manipulation from my end in this; I need her to make the decision completely on her own. I have to know if we end up together that she has forgiven me. We need a clear start.”
Nodding in understanding, Dominic didn’t bother refuting the decision. “But what are you going to do about Father? You can’t start over if he still opposes the union between the two of you. You may have cut all ties with him, but I can tell you from personal experience, he is never done interfering in our lives.”
Dmitri’s face hardened at the thought of Nikolai. Ever since Nadia’s recovery, he had been able to completely avoid all interactions with the man. But considering Sasha’s bravery in facing her past, he knew he would have to do the same- and soon.
“You’re right. It is about time we sat down and had a…chat.”
The ringing of the doorbell interrupted their conversation. Dominic followed behind Dmitri as he left his personal office and answered. He stepped back in surprise as Nadia threw herself into his arms, laughing.
“I’m sorry for disappearing the last few weeks.” She apologized, quickly moving into Dominic’s arms soon after while Dmitri closed the front door.
“You aren’t hearing any complaints from me,” Dominic teased.
Nadia merely rolled her eyes in response. The warm greeting quickly disappeared once she turned back to Dmitri. With her hands on her hips, she informed them, “So, I was talking to Mom the other day and apparently Daddy isn’t doing so well.”
“What do you mean?” Dominic asked, worry in his voice.
“Apparently he’s been having consistent chest and back pains. She’s taking him to see his physician. I don’t know what to make of it though because she often tends to exaggerate these matters. Remember when Dom ‘broke’ his arm.”
Both her brothers groaned at the memory; pandemonium had ensued in the entire household at Natalia’s dramatics. As a teenager prone to daredevil antics, jumping off the roof of a moving vehicle proved to be Dominic’s last after landing incorrectly and dislocating his shoulder. Though he quickly popped it into place, Natalia’s screams at her son’s actions and Nikolai’s lack of discipline and worry had echoed throughout their house for many days after.
“I wouldn’t think anything of it. Let’s just see what his doctor says before assuming the worst,” Dominic provided.
Dmitri said nothing on the subject. Instead, changing the topic of conversation, “What brings you here, Nadia? You are still attending university, aren’t you? And eating?”
“Of course, I am! I didn’t come over here for a lecture, Dmitri. Damn! Don’t I get enough of that from Daddy? I came because I wanted to see how you were doing?”
“Me?”
Dominic grinned, knowing full well what Nadia was referring to. “I think what she means to say is: how is your love life progressing?”
With a warning glare at both of them, Dmitri responded coldly, “That is enough about that. I am not some pathetic spinster in need of coddling.”
At their spouts of immediate laughter, he blushed and in exasperation walked away. “It’s not like the two of you are in any promising relationships either,” he grumbled to himself.
The three of them ended up ordering in for dinner, comfortable conversation flowing amongst each other with playful jabs. It was the first time Dmitri had spent time with the two of them in one room without drama in several years. The dissipating animosity was a welcome relief. But the tension between he and his father was one that had to be dealt with. Despite his convictions to the contrary, Nikolai was still a powerful figure in his life, capable of life-changing manipulation.
He was suddenly pulled from the dinner table at the sound of his cell phone ringing. Excusing himself, Dmitri withdrew to his office and looked down at the familiar number. The anticipated phone call filled him once again with anxiousness. Quickly, he answered.
The knock resounded loudly in the shabby dwelling. Sasha stood with her hands braced at her side, her back straight, dressed in a form-fitting pencil skirt and silk blouse with black heels and an unnerving fear of what was to come. She hadn’t fully prepared herself for the moment her mother would be standing on the other side of the door, deciding instead to be brash and get the introduction over with. After all, she could find a million reasons to stay away, but there was only one important enough to pull her in this direction. She wanted- no, needed- to see her mother again. She needed to know if there was the possibility of a relationship with the woman.
Despite Dmitri’s pleas, she hadn’t informed anyone of her decision. While she had contemplated telling Teagan and asking her to come along, the very real possibility of her mother rejecting her once more convinced her to do otherwise. It would be hard enough facing such a tragic end to her search, but far worse to have it all viewed by her dearest friend. She didn’t want pity; she didn’t want anyone to see her weaknesses.
Sasha had looked over the folder in great detail before making the flight to Newark, New Jersey. Apparently, her mother had a decorative history of being in and out of jail because of actions related to drug use throughout her young adult life. But there were no recent arrests, which gave Sasha hope that maybe she was a changed woman. Maybe she regretted abandoning her so many years ago and was looking forward to a moment just like this one.
Either way, she was about to find out. Sasha heard heavy footsteps approaching the door, which had paint peeling from its surface despite what appeared to be a brand new handle. The two-story home was an obvious fixer-upper with boarded windows here and there. Similar to the other houses on the street, the one before her was old and in need of a fresh coat of paint. Sasha never anticipated her mother being well off, remembering the rat-infested apartments they had dwelled in as a toddler. As such, she was not surprised by the neighborhood even though the taxi-driver was hesitant to drop her off in the area.
>
The door opening slightly interrupted her thoughts. An older man looked down at her with a glare, his eye peeking through the crack in the door.
“We don’t want nothing!” He screamed before slamming the door in her face.
Sasha jumped at the sound but quickly recovered and knocked with more conviction. When it reopened to the same man, she spoke,
“I’m not here trying to sell anything sir. I am looking for a woman named Janelle…Janelle Harmon. Does she live here?”
He sent her one more suspicious glance before opening the door and yelling behind him, “Janelle! Some woman is at the door looking for you!”
Sasha concentrated on the responding scream coming from the house. The woman’s voice was hoarse and croaked slightly as she drew nearer, cursing the man out in not so many words. Sasha braced herself for what was to come; along with the nervous energy came an excited anticipation of looking into her mother’s face after two decades.
Suddenly, the door sprung open and Sasha stared into rich aged brown eyes. Janelle Harmon was a thin woman a few inches taller than her daughter, who looked much older than her forty-odd years. Her hair, thinning from years of chemical relaxers, hung down to her shoulders. Sharing many of her daughter’s features, Sasha knew immediately that there was no denying their blood relation.
Sasha gulped and stepped forward slightly while Janelle continued to stare at her blankly. “Hello,” she was finally able to utter.
“I apologize for my Daddy. He don’t know no better. He’s going a bit senile. Who are you? Are you here about our land?”
“N-no. Actually…” she didn’t know whether to tell her outright or to ask to come inside first. Admittedly, she was a bit disappointed Janelle didn’t seem to recognize her. How could she not tell that they shared the same eyes, nose, and mouth? While she was a bit more muscular in comparison to her mother, Sasha had no doubt in her younger years, Janelle looked just like her.
And she had a grandfather! Sasha had never dreamed of other relatives considering she had no memory of anyone else during her childhood besides Janelle and her inconsistent male companions. But it was wonderful news! Could there possibly be others?
“I’m not here in regards to your land. I came here because…well, I don’t know how to say this…” Janelle gave her a weird look as she stumbled for words. “My name is Sasha,” she paused, waiting for any sort of recognition from her mother, but there was none. “Sasha Harmon…y-you’re my mother.”
Those three little words felt like a tiny explosion through her body. She had never dreamed of saying them again to this woman. She had never dreamed of ever seeing her again. And, now Sasha waited in anticipation for Janelle’s reaction. Could this truly be the happiest moment of her life? She felt so close to grasping the very thing she had sought for so long- family. To belong to something, to be tied to people irrevocably for there was no denying blood.
But deny it she did: “I don’t know what you are talking about. I don’t have a daughter. If that is all you came here for…then good-bye.”
Sasha saw the door beginning to close and panicked. “Wait!” Her hand lay flat upon the door’s surface, preventing Janelle from shutting her completely out. “Just hear me out. Please.” Sasha kept her voice calm, not showing how much Janelle’s words had torn her in two.
Her mother let out a frustrated sigh and opened the door once more. “What is it that you want me to say?”
Sasha looked upon her in disbelief. “What do I want you to say? I didn’t come here expecting money or any material goods. I have been looking for you, since you left me on that church stoop. Every house they took me to, I wondered to myself- when is my mother going to come and get me? I thought I had done something wrong and you were simply punishing me for it. But the years passed, and I ended up from one house to the next until I was desperately searching for your replacement. But every time I believed someone loved me enough to keep me, they sent me away the same way you did. Do you have any idea what that did to me? I thought I was flawed! An unlovable, ugly, and stupid child that no one wanted- not even her own mother.
“And you ask me: what do I want? I want to know why! Why can’t you even admit that you have a daughter- me! Why did you leave me?”
Janelle stood there, listening to Sasha’s tirade with her hands resting impatiently on her hips. Her mouth was set into a deep frown, and at the end of it all, as Sasha waited desperately for her response she rolled her eyes and sighed.
“You did not just come to my doorstep and give me some sob story about your goddamn life like I’m supposed to give a damn. I don’t know who the hell you are, but I’ll make something clear right now: I am not the one! As I said before- I don’t have a daughter. The minute I gave her up she was no longer mine, she was the state’s. Plain and simple. So, if you have a problem with the way you were brought up, maybe you should take it up with the fucking government because I don’t have time for this shit.”
Sasha released a shuddered breath. “You don’t have time? So, nothing has changed. I wasn’t worth your time then and I am not now, huh? Is that it?”
“Congratulations, you finally get it!”
In that moment, Sasha’s mind became flooded with memories of her mother’s cruelty even as a child. The woman had never showed her an ounce of affection. Attention was reserved for those instances she was slapped and punished for the slightest mistake. And she wondered to herself, why had she wanted to meet a woman like this again? Why had she wanted someone who abused and abandoned her back into her life?
“I do get it…but I didn’t just come here for answers, which you apparently don’t feel the need to provide, I came here for family. I thought that I would give you the chance to explain yourself instead of spending the rest of my life hating you. Well, congratulations, you just made me hate you even more. You say I’m not worth your time? No, you aren’t worth mine. Because, you see, even after you did all those things to hurt me, I’m still here. And I’m stronger than I ever thought I would ever be. And that was all because I survived without you. So, thank you for doing me a favor. I’ll be sure to thank the government too.”
Without a word of goodbye, Sasha turned and walked down the stone steps that led to Janelle’s dwelling. She was halted however by her mother’s screams,
“What are you doing? Get back here!”
Curious as to whom her mother was referring to, Sasha turned to find the old man stumbling out of the house in her direction with an intent look upon his face. On guard, she watched as he finally stood before, breathing heavily and his eyes scouring her face and body as if he hadn’t seen her merely minutes before.
“I-I can’t believe it.” He whispered in awe. Janelle appeared behind him, tugging on his arms for him to return back to the house. “I haven’t seen you since you were in diapers.”
Sasha looked upon him questioningly, wondering if he would end up sending her away in the same fashion as her mother. But, he didn’t. Instead, he grasped her shoulders between his palms and pulled her into his sweaty chest. Sasha couldn’t help wrinkling her nose at the stained wife beater now pressed against her cheek.
Eventually, he released her again and she quickly took a step back. “I never thought I’d see you again after Janelle sent you away. But look at you! You look like them rich folk downtown. Seems you did better off without us, eh?”
Sasha didn’t know how to respond. Her gaze met Janelle’s, who was staring at her with angry jealousy.
“I heard what you said to your mother and, if she won’t answer you, then I will. She’s always been a wild, stupid girl, my daughter. Always in trouble for one thing or another, whether it was drugs or boys. And when she wound up pregnant, my wife and I knew nothing good would come out of it. She didn’t know how to care for no one but herself. We had no idea what she did to you until it was too late and you were already lost within the foster system out of our reach; my wife and I thought it was best she find her own way after your birth, but
it has been my deepest regret ever since that we never looked after you properly. We knew her faults, but we were so concerned with punishing her, we never thought how much she was punishing you in return. Neither she nor I deserve your forgiveness. And, if everything you just said is true, I’m happy you got away because you are better off without her poison in your life. “
Janelle, shocked at his words, gasped in horror. “Daddy! What the hell is your problem you senile old man!”
Ignoring her outburst, Janelle’s father patted Sasha gently on the cheek. “I’m glad you came today. It has always been one of my last wishes on this earth to know for certain you had found your way. To know you ended up better than me or my wife could have hoped gives me peace.”
Sasha returned his gentle smile. “Thank you.”
The hotel room she stayed in was getting darker as the sun set, but she couldn’t bring herself to stand up and turn on the lights yet. After returning from her mother’s house, she had immediately jumped into the shower, trying to rinse away the memory of Janelle Harmon completely. While her grandfather’s words had given her a modicum of peace, there was still a slight emptiness to the day. It hadn’t ended at all the way she had hoped or dreamed. And so, she sat there on the couch of the hotel suite, her eyes looking out into the cityscape of Newark with a heaviness settled over her heart.
In the end, Sasha knew for certain now that there had been nothing inherently wrong with her. One couldn’t choose the family they were born into, but Sasha realized in a way she had been lucky enough to get away. Janelle’s constant emotional and mental abuse could have made her into a completely different person.
But that didn’t stop her feelings of being completely alone. And that realization, of knowing while the possibility of a family had been before her, but she had still failed to grasp it, was the most devastating. It tore her apart to the point she wished she had actually taken Dmitri’s advice and not come alone. She didn’t want to sit here in a dark hotel room by herself any longer. With Teagan in New York and Dina in Italy, despite her newfound friendships, there was still the sense that she was fighting a losing battle with no one else on her side.
Sasha: The Awakening (The Wallflower Series Book 2) Page 9