Forget Me Not

by K. S. Thomas

  Cooper

  He smiles. That speech and that smile. It’s too much. It’s like every little thing I’ve missed about him is happening all at once. It’s impossible not to want to hug him. And kiss him. Kissing him. I remember kissing him before. When things made sense. When things were right. Making out for hours on end. No one had ever kissed me the way Reed kissed me.

  That was before.

  Before Gun and I ever even dreamt of crossing that line. My fingers trace my lower lip and I feel nauseous. I’ve kissed two men today. Both of which were able to make me forget the other even existed. But maybe that’s not on them. Maybe that’s about me.

  “I can’t do this,” I force out, turning away so I won’t have to see him anymore. I can’t look at him and tell him no. Not when all I thought I ever wanted was to tell him yes. Yes to anything he ever asked as long as it meant we were together.

  “You can’t walk away from this. From us.” His hand reaches out to catch my arm. “Not after everything we’ve been through. You have to at least give us a chance. I know this is a lot to take in. It’s a lot for me, too. But I don’t care how messy or complicated it is. I don’t care what I have to do to make this work. I want to be with you, Cooper. I need to.”

  I bite down on the inside of my cheek. I bite down so hard I can taste blood, but I still can’t feel anything. The pain in my chest numbs me to everything else.

  “You don’t know that. Seven years is a long time, Reed. Things are different now. I’m different.” But I can’t be as different as I’d like him to believe. Because I still want him as well. And what I want most of all, is to believe him when he says I could have that.

  “Look at me,” he whispers and I do. Because saying yes to him is what I do. “See. There you are.” He smiles, tipping his head slightly down to gaze deeper into my eyes. “You don’t look so different to me.” His soft voice floods my soul and warms me from the inside out, slowly easing the ache around my heart.

  “Gun,” I say quietly. “I’m different because I’m with Gun.”

  Reed’s hands leave my body and my skin burns where it loses his touch. The hurt rises within me again, spreading out, pressing into my ribcage and making it hard to breathe. Because I can’t bear losing him again.

  “So that’s what he was talking about.” Reed’s blue eyes are darker than I’ve ever seen them. “Why he said he wasn’t here to compete. I thought he meant he was just a friend. But he didn’t mean that at all.” I can tell he’s thinking it through as he’s saying it. His words are coming out slowly. His gaze is darting all around this room, probably remembering where Gun stood while he said what he said. Then, it lands on me again. He stares at me for a long time, contemplating before he says out loud what he’s thinking. “He’ll bow out. That’s what he meant. He won’t compete. He’ll just...let you go.” And he smiles. And I smile. And the pain in my chest is gone. Because I can’t feel anything.

  Chapter Six

  Gun

  7 Years Earlier

  I watch Cooper out of the corner of my eye as we walk. She’s about halfway through the pancake, bacon and egg sandwich I made her on my way out of the house. That’s the thing about being a ‘growing boy’, sneaking food is never an issue. People expect you to come back for seconds, thirds and even fourths at every meal. They won’t always give it to ya, but they expect you to come around asking.

  “So,” I nudge her side with my elbow and smile at her when she turns my way. “Where are we headed?”

  She shrugs, her mouth full of breakfast. “School?”

  I shake my head. “Nah. I’ve got a total bitch for first period. Not feeling it. I say we take off. Fuck all of ‘em.”

  She stops, an empty set of pancake edges still flapping in her left hand she’s probably not going to finish now. “We can’t just take off, Gunnar. You finally have a decent place.”

  “It’s a fucking group home, Coop. Not the Brady Bunch.”

  She rolls her eyes at me in lieu of verbally calling me out on my bullshit. Then she decides to do that too. “They make you pancakes for breakfast.”

  “So does IHOP.”

  “Gun.”

  I exhale loudly. I don’t yell. Not at Coop. Ever. But I have my ways of making enough noise to get her attention. “No. I’m not sticking around to eat paaancakes,” I elongate the word dramatically just so she knows how ridiculous the argument is, “while you’re stuck in a house you don’t feel safe in.”

  She turns away from me and starts walking again. A flick of her wrist and what’s left of her breakfast lands in the grass along the sidewalk. “It’s not that bad,” she mumbles. “I’ll deal with it. I won’t come running to you again.”

  I take two long strides before I catch up with her. “You know damn well that’s the last thing I want. Just tell me what’s happening and I’ll take care of it.”

  “No.” She repeatedly presses her lips together like she’s pissed, but I know that’s not really it. She’s trying not to cry.

  “Coop.”

  “You can’t, Gun. There’s nothing you can do, okay? It’s their son. I caught him standing over my bed last week while I was sleeping. I screamed when I saw him and his mom came rushing in. He told her some bullshit story about how I was having a nightmare and he came to check on me and that was the end of it. Didn’t matter how much I insisted that wasn’t what happened, no one believed me.”

  I clench my fists so hard my nails would be digging into my flesh if I hadn’t gnawed them all off already. My knuckles hurt from the building pressure and I’ll probably crack a molar or two if I don’t unlock my jaw again soon. But I can’t let go of either. Not my fists. Not my jaw. It’s all I’ve got to hold in the rage barreling its way through my body, fighting to get out and do the sort of things that can’t be undone. Bad things, to bad people.

  “You can flash your eyes at me all you want, Gun. I’m not going to let you screw up your good thing just because I’ve hit another little snag on the road through foster hell. It’s senior year. We’ll both be eighteen before the summer. We almost made it through. Let’s just stay on track and get there.” She sounds determined. She wants me to believe her. I don’t. I know her too well. Know when her words are empty. When her armor’s up and the lights are on and she’s checked out. Been watching her perfect the move for the last eight years. She can fool the rest of the world. She’ll never fool me.

  “Look, Coop. You’ve got two choices. Either we head for the train station and get the hell out, or I’m walking you to school and I’m tracking down the piece of shit who left a mark on you – yeah, I saw your wrist – and I kill him. It’s as simple as that.” I’m not bluffing. When it comes to people I’d like to see dead, this creep is just the newest name on the list and I don’t mind starting there and working my way back.

  “Don’t be stupid.” She kicks at a rock on the sidewalk. She thinks downplaying my outburst will make it less true. She’s wrong. “You’re not going to kill anyone.”

  “The only thing I’m not going to do, is sit on my ass and eat pancakes while someone is threatening you.” I cross in front of her and stop her mid step. “See this?” I wave a wad of cash back and forth in front of her nose. I’m so close she nearly goes cross eyed from following the bills move. “It’s enough money to get us by for at least a week. Maybe longer if we’re smart about it. By then, we could be on the other side of the country. Why the hell wait for eighteen? Let’s just go now.”

  “Where did you get that money?”

  Of course she’d get hung up on that.

  “I stole it, what do you think?!” I shove the cash back into my pocket. “Before you freak, it was cash Mr. B took out to pay some dude to replace the downstairs carpets. It wasn’t their money.”

  “Fantastic.” She throws her hands up and pushes me out of the way so she can keep doing her angry girl march down the sidewalk. “So now it doesn’t matter what I say or do, you already fucked up your chances of ever going back there
.”

  “I really think you’re putting way too much importance on some fucking pancakes, Coop.”

  She lets out a gravelly growl and stops to stomp her foot in place several times. She’s about to cave.

  When she turns back around to face me, I tip my head sideways and grin. “How do you feel about Arizona? I’m thinking we need to stay south. Let’s be real. You’re not cut out for any sort of winter.”

  “I hate that you did this,” she huffs. “I hate that you’re always ruining your life for me.”

  “Don’t hate that I’m doing it. Hate that there are shitty people out there who don’t give me a choice but to do it.”

  She comes up beside me, hooking her arm into mine and leaning her head on my shoulder as we start to walk again.

  “Colorado. I don’t care what you think. I want to see snow.”

  “Colorado it is then.” I nod, even though I know we’ll never get there. All the times we’ve taken off over the years and we’ve never reached a destination yet. That’s not why we do it. We run away for one simple reason. To get caught. Get busted. Get in minor trouble. Get moved to a new place. Get a fresh start.

  Reed

  Present Day

  “This doesn’t feel right,” I insist, standing in her open doorway, “walking out of here without you. Why can’t we do it together? Come with me.”

  She smiles, looking down at our hands. I haven’t let go yet. Neither has she, but I can feel her fingertips slack against mine. Her soft skin isn’t putting any pressure against mine anymore. I’m the one still holding on. I don’t like it. But, I understand. She’s had to spend years forcing herself to let go of me when I’ve spent all this time desperately trying to find a memory of her strong enough to grasp onto. It’ll take time, but we can meet in the middle again. I know it.

  “I can’t go with you, Reed. You need to go back to your life and the people in it without me. You have to be sure it’s not what you want...that all of this, me, isn’t just clouding your judgement and confusing you.”

  I grip her hands a little harder. “How can you say that?”

  “Because I’m right. All of this...it’s a lot. For both of us. And regardless of how we feel, we’re not the only ones involved. You have a fiancée.”

  “And you have Gun.”

  She winces at the mention of his name. It scares me. I can’t decide if I’m better off not really knowing who he is or not. Ignorance isn’t nearly the bliss everyone makes it out to be, that much I’ve learned since the accident.

  “It’s not what you think, Reed,” she says softly. “Gun has been in my life for as long as I can remember...and I’ve been ruining his ever since he became a part of it. I don’t mean to. I never do. But, this time...I’ll lose him. For good.” She sighs painfully. “And I deserve to, but that doesn’t mean it’s what I want or that it won’t be painful. For both of us.”

  It’s hard not to feel responsible. Her face flashes in my mind of the moment I walked in here today and saw her. She was smiling. She was happy. Now, she looks heartbroken. Because of me. No matter how much I want to believe that today will mark the beginning of our happy ever after, it’s not the sort of carefree euphoria one associates with those. Turns out finding her was the easy part. Now, the really shitty stuff starts.

  “It’ll all be worth it,” I promise. “In the end, everything will be as it was meant to. And the people we have to hurt...they’ll be happier for it in the long run. Because we derailed them from finding the people they’re meant to be with. We’re making it right by letting them go. Even if it doesn’t feel that way at the moment.” I lean in and press my lips to her soft mouth. I can feel it tremble as I kiss her, so I kiss her harder, deeper, longer. Until the world around us turns blurry and all that’s left is us.

  Cooper

  I should go inside. I know this. But I can’t. Instead, I sit here in my car, parked outside of his house. Melting. Even with all the windows down and the sunroof open, there’s barely enough of a breeze to keep the sweat from pooling on my brow. Never mind all the places in which my clothes are slowly beginning to stick to me. The worst part is, I know he knows I’m here. I’ve seen the blinds move at least three times already in the front window, the one looking out from his office.

  I can just picture him sitting there, at his desk, attempting to work but being too busy swearing at my stupidity to get anything productive done. Old Gunnar would have come out and got me by now. But this is new Gunnar. The Gunnar who watched Reed waltz back into my life. The one who’s going to let me go. He’s not coming out for me. He’s not coming for me ever again.

  I check my phone. Maybe I should just call him. Would it count as an in person conversation if we could see each other through the crack in his blinds while we talk? Probably not.

  I put the phone down again. I wasn’t really going to call him. I’m just stalling. Stalling because I don’t want to do this. And, maybe, probably, stalling because I’m stubborn and selfish and it’s pissing me off that he’s making me sit out here torturing myself over all of this. Because, selfish asshole that I may be, it’s so not who he is.

  I’ve nearly worked myself into enough of a huff to bust out of this oven which once was my car and march my ass straight into his house. Then, my anger betrays me and gives way to heartache as my mind conjures up the words ‘he hates you now’ and plays them for me on repeat, increasing in volume every time the statement is made.

  I’m about to break down into a puddle of tears when the sprinklers beat me to it and I wind up sitting in the center of a cool shower spilling in through all of my open windows.

  “What the hell?!” I hurry to put the key back into the ignition so I can close up my car, but it’s too late. I’m soaked. Like, for real soaked. Not just sweat soaked. I guess I no longer have to worry about the giant sweat stain I likely had down my back. Silver lining.

  Still dripping, I finally force myself to get out of the car and start walking toward the front door. Before I reach the front step, the door swings open and Gun’s hand practically pops out toward me holding a towel.

  “You’re pretty ridiculous. You know that, right?” he grumbles roughly as he turns and walks back inside, leaving the door open for me to follow but never actually inviting me in.

  “You turned on those sprinklers on purpose?!” I don’t know if I’m shocked or not. It got me out of the car. And I needed to get out of the car. So, I guess I’m not shocked. Just annoyed. Maybe even pissed. Because he always has the advantage. I’m the open book. I’m the easily manipulated weak link. And he never hesitates to use his power.

  He’s still moving through the house, headed toward the kitchen. “It was either that or watch you die of heatstroke.”

  And then I’m right back to heartache. Because he has powers. But he never uses them against me. Only for me. Only to help offset my bad choices in my weakest moments. Because he’s not weak. Not ever.

  “Gun,” I start but he interrupts me by coming back and handing me a bottle of water.

  “You don’t need to.” He holds his hand up to stop me from saying what I came here to say. “We both know you wouldn’t have sat in my driveway for forty-five minutes frying if you were here to tell me Reed turned out to be a major asshole and you have no idea what you ever saw in him in the first place.” He cocks his brow and forces a smirk. “Right?”

  My eyes burn and it’s not from the sprinkler water and sweat running into them. As much as I’ve tried to convince my body it has to be dried up of all tears at this point, it’s just not.

  “How do you do that?” I whisper.

  “Do what?” His head leans slightly sideways as his dark green eyes continue to stay locked on mine with a morbid sort of curiosity, considering what they must be showing him right now.

  “Pretend like this is easy? Is it really? Is it...easy? For you?” He turns away and starts moving across the room, putting more and more distance between us. “Because it’s fucking killing me,�
� I sob, incapable of maintaining any sort of decorum anymore.

  “Why?” He doesn’t turn around, but at least he stops walking again. “This is what you wanted. You should be happy.”

  “Happy?” I screech so loudly my throat feels as if a set of claws runs down it. “You think this makes me happy?”

  He spins back around, his jaws locked, the flicker of his teeth grinding back and forth visible just below his cheekbones. His eyes flash at me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this angry...with me.

  “It’s Reed, Cooper. The boy of your dreams. Your soulmate.” His eyes go wide and he brings his fingers up to do a twinkly little dance in the air for extra flare as he says it. “You can finally have the life you always dreamed of. What’s not to be happy about?”

  “Losing you!” I shout, running up to get in his face. “Losing you is something I definitely can’t be happy about!”

  His eyes narrow for a brief second. “What d’you expect me to do, Coop? Huh? Just pretend the last few years never happened? Forget the nights I held you in my arms until morning? Block every time we made love from my mind forever? Act like I’ve never felt the touch of your lips on mine? Just so I can sit by and watch while you share all of those moments with someone else?”

  “No,” I breathe, rendered nearly speechless by his words.

  “Good. Because I can’t do that.” His hands move over the bare skin of my arms. His touch is surprisingly gentle after everything and I feel myself giving into it, drawing the comfort it offers.

  “What are we going to do?” I ask, daring against my better judgment to hope that he will produce just one last miracle for me and fix this.

  “You know what I’m going to do, Cooper,” he says quietly, his eyes watching the way his fingers trace over my skin in circles. “I’m going to bow out. Give you your happy ending.”

  “But,” I bite my shaky bottom lip trying to get a grip on it so I can finish forming the words I need to say, “I can’t have a happy ending without you.”