Pull

by Rachel Van Dyken

  of you down.”

  Everyone laughed nervously.

  “Let’s plan to meet in a few more days. I want all of you to

  think about regrets this week. Live your life as if each moment is

  your last. This isn’t about going crazy. It’s about appreciation.”

  Suddenly Demetri seemed so much older than I. He had

  gone through a lot in his life, and it showed in the way he spoke

  about regret, about living. If there was one thing I was confident

  about, it was that Demetri knew how to live, and I desperately

  wanted to follow in his footsteps. But what do you do when the

  very person’s footsteps you hope to follow in is the exact person

  you want to carry you?

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Demetri

  “I’m like James Bond minus the British accent,” I announced

  to Alec on the phone that night.

  “Yeah, you’re a regular 007. Tell me, Goldfinger, is the world

  ever enough?”

  “You only live twice, Octopussy.”

  “Demetri Daniels, Man with the Golden Gun.”

  “I have decided to Die Another Day.”

  “I’ve got nothing.” Alec cursed. “Damn, how is it that you

  beat me at the movie game every single time?”

  “I’m sorry, did you not get the whole 007 reference? I’m

  freaking awesome.”

  Alec sighed. “Fine. Tell me what made you like James Bond,

  and hurry. Nat’s been begging for me to take her to the mall so she

  can buy you a birthday present.”

  “Tell her nothing pink. It makes me look pale.”

  “Noted. Now speak, Dr. No, before I hang up on you.”

  I nodded in appreciation, even though he couldn’t see me. “I

  totally forgot about Dr. No, good one. You still lost, but good one.

  Anyway…” I moved my guitar and lay across my bed. “I got

  everyone out of the house without any of the paparazzi seeing

  them.”

  “How’d you do that?”

  “Magic.”

  Silence. “What, you used your wand?”

  “Hilarious. No, my brain. You know all that Cristal our

  publicist sent over from the record agency and everyone else?”

  “Yeah?”

  I laughed. “Let’s just say we had a lot of really happy

  reporters on our front lawn. I passed out all the free shit and they

  flocked. I gave autographs and the whole time the rest of the gang

  walked out the back and down the street. Bob drove the cars one by

  one down the block until they all had their rides and all without

  any pictures taken.”

  “Wow, brilliant Demetri, and without drugs or your wand.

  I’m impressed.”

  “I live to impress my older brother.”

  “And Nat,” Alec interjected. “Don’t forget Nat.”

  “Am I on speakerphone?”

  “Why can’t I get you pink, Demetri? Remember the pink

  shirt I got you at —”

  “No, I’ve blocked that memory, and it said I sing for Seaside. I

  almost got punched when I wore that shirt. No pink, Nat. No

  pastels. Get me a guy gift. It is my nineteenth birthday. I think I

  deserve it.”

  “Fine,” she grumbled. “Alec, you ready?”

  “Gotta run, bro. It’s time to go into Nat’s quantum of

  solace.”

  “Huh?” Nat said as Alec and I both burst out laughing.

  “Some things are just for our eyes only, Nat,” I said and then

  hung up. Damn, I missed my brother sometimes.

  I looked at my phone. I wanted to call Alyssa so bad. My

  fingers ran across her number. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Someone

  punch me and put me out of my misery. For some reason I felt like

  she needed her space today, after everything that happened; it just

  seemed like she was distant.

  I decided against it. Space. I needed to give her space and

  stop being such a damn girl. Trying to distract myself, I ran down

  the stairs and pulled out a soda from the fridge. I flipped the TV on

  and jumped onto the couch, causing enough air to move that the

  papers from group fluttered off the coffee table.

  Cursing, I bent to grab them and froze when I saw a name.

  Brady.

  Thinking it was Alyssa’s I picked it up.

  It wasn’t Alyssa’s.

  Oh God, I thought I was going to be sick. It couldn’t be

  Alyssa’s; there was no way it was. Part of me wished it was hers. I

  needed to look away. I needed to throw the paper away and

  pretend like I didn’t see it, but I did. I saw everything.

  Dear Brady,

  I’m sorry I never told you about the baby. It just felt like there was

  never a good time, and you were so happy with Alyssa. I couldn’t do it. I

  tried to so many times. The night before you died, I even went to your

  house. I had this huge speech built up. I was a few months along and knew

  I was going to start showing. I still hadn’t told Aaron it was you, but I

  knew I needed to tell you first. I remember ringing your doorbell and then

  I heard laughter. It was her. It was Alyssa, and I thought, why would I

  ruin her life for my mistake? I was drunk, you were drunk. It didn’t mean

  anything, and I was so tired of crying. Of bringing others down with me.

  So I left. I remember your confused look as you opened the door. Alyssa

  came bounding out behind you, you wrapped your arms around her and

  kissed her, and I knew I made a good decision.

  The next day I started bleeding. It was like the baby rejected being

  inside me. Was it because I was an awful person for not telling the baby’s

  dad? I never got the chance though. Because the same day our baby died,

  you lost your life too. I regret not telling you that you were a father, only

  because I think you would have been a great father, and because you were

  a great person inside and out. I know you didn’t mean to cheat on her.

  You guys had been together for a while. You were inseparable. Alcohol has

  a way of messing with us, doesn’t it? I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m

  sorry. But I’m so glad that our baby is in heaven with you. I’m glad you

  get to be a father, even if I lost the chance to be a mother.

  I’m sorry, Brady…

  Holly.

  Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! I slammed my hand against the

  table, causing a slicing pain to radiate from my thumb all the way

  up my forearm.

  After cursing for another five minutes. I grabbed the pieces

  of paper and ran next door. I let myself in, I mean I usually only

  did that when Nat was home, but this was an emergency.

  I banged on the door to Mrs. Murray’s office. “I have to talk

  to you. Now!” I was going to freaking lose my mind if she didn’t

  open the door and —

  “— Demetri? I’m just finishing up with another client. Why

  don’t you wait on the couch, okay?” Her eyes narrowed as she took

  in my panic-stricken face. “Don’t do anything stupid. Just sit and

  pull yourself together, alright?”

  “Right,” I said shakily. I couldn’t sit. I paced in the living

  room for the next ten minutes, alternating between cursing and

  wanting to run my own face through the wall.

  Finally the door to Mrs. Murray’s
office opened up. And

  because I was currently living my own version of hell, it didn’t

  seem shocking to have Holly be the girl coming out of the office.

  In tears.

  She looked in my direction and then down at the papers in

  my hand. I tried to hide them, instead I froze. She froze too. I

  wasn’t sure who was more freaked out, she or I.

  “You know?”

  “No.” I lied.

  “You’re lying.”

  I gulped and looked down. I couldn’t even look her in the

  eyes. “I didn’t mean to read it. I was gathering the papers, and it

  fell and I saw his name and… I’m so sorry.” My voice cracked.

  Holly sighed and walked over to me. “Maybe it’s good that

  you know.”

  “How is it good that I know? How the hell is it good?” I was

  shaking again. Damn, what I wouldn’t do for a drink or for

  someone to shoot me and put me out of my misery.

  “At least you know why I waited to so long to tell Aaron,

  and why Brady’s death upset me so much. It feels good to tell

  someone else. Now four people know. You, Sam, Mrs. Murray, and

  Aaron.”

  I knew where this was going. I took a step back, but she took

  a step forward at the exact same time. “I can’t tell her yet. I’m not

  ready.”

  I wasn’t able to find my voice.

  Holly’s eyes welled with tears. “What good would it do

  anyway? I can’t have her remember him as a cheater. It’s bad

  enough that Sam knows. Besides, Brady loved her. It was a

  mistake. I can’t do that to his memory.”

  “He’s dead!” I screamed, completely losing my cool.

  Holly stepped back.

  “He’s freaking dead, and everyone pretends like he was

  some sort of hero, some saint! She deserves to know what he did,

  what he did to both of you! He should have taken care of you. He

  shouldn’t have been at a party when he had a girlfriend, and he

  sure as hell shouldn’t have been drinking if he was tempted by

  other girls!”

  “I know.” Holly’s chin trembled. “I know this and you know

  this. But please, just please, don’t tell her yet. You weren’t

  supposed to see it.”

  I bit my lip to keep from cursing again and took two deep

  breaths. “But that’s the thing, Holly. I did and now I feel stuck. I

  can’t betray your trust as your group leader, but every time I see

  her I’m going to feel like I can’t look at her in the face without

  feeling like I’m betraying her.”

  “I’ll tell her.” Holly straightened her spine and sighed. “Just

  give me some time, okay? I promise I’ll tell her soon.”

  “Promise me. Look me in the eyes and promise me.”

  Holly didn’t even blink. She stared me down and nodded. “I

  promise.”

  I exhaled. All the taffy in the world wasn’t going to relieve

  me of the stress I felt at this point. Lame, but I needed to go for a

  run or something. Get all this shit off my chest.

  I looked up to see Holly gone and Mrs. Murray standing

  outside her door.

  “How much did you hear?” I asked.

  “All of it.”

  “What do I do?”

  “I can’t tell you that.”

  I broke. I could count on my right hand the times I’d broken

  in my life, where I’ve cried and felt so completely helpless that I

  just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. My heart was shattering,

  and there was nothing Mrs. Murray could do, nothing I could do,

  nothing drugs could do to stop it. Nope, this was life, pure and

  raw. And as much as I wanted to numb it, at least I was living

  while that bastard was dead.

  Mrs. Murray didn’t say anything else. She just held me while

  I shook in her arms. I wasn’t even crying. I was too upset, too

  pissed to cry. I wanted to break something, to break him. I would

  do anything to take the pain away. Because I knew there was no

  way I could keep this from Alyssa. I would give Holly some time,

  but if she never said anything, I would. And I knew the minute I

  did, Alyssa’s trust for any guy would shoot straight out the

  window. Didn’t she tell me she couldn’t feel for a guy? That she

  was afraid of losing someone?

  How the hell was I going to expect her to handle my life? My

  fame? With girls swarming? I mean, I could tell her until I was blue

  in the face that I loved her, but the memory of Brady would

  constantly plague her.

  Shit. Just when I felt like I was helping her get over the guy

  there’s another rock thrown into the mess. It was like he was trying

  to keep her from me, even in his death. I hated the person he had

  turned me into.

  I was saying hate an awful lot these days.

  When I stopped trembling, Mrs. Murray released me. “Give

  Holly some time.”

  “And then what? Pretend like my heart isn’t freaking

  breaking?”

  “No,” Mrs. Murray said calmly. “Then you do what’s right.”

  “What if by doing the right thing I lose it all?”

  “This isn’t about you, Demetri.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “It’s about the girl I fell in love with.

  The taffy girl at Seaside. The very beautiful girl that I have to let go

  of, and it kills me to let go of the girl who stole my heart. A heart I

  won’t ever give back, because it belongs to her now, my best

  friend.”

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Alyssa

  Two days. It had been two days since I’d seen Demetri. He’d

  stopped by the store once. And sadly, I’d watched him through the

  window when he sang his jingle. He looked like hell.

  I wanted to hug him, to touch him; was he upset with me or

  something? He’d texted me a few times, but we hadn’t really hung

  out and it sucked. It made me realize a few things about myself.

  First, I was pathetic. And second, I really liked him. I more than

  liked him. I couldn’t even sleep anymore because memories of him

  with me in bed kept flooding into my consciousness, making me

  toss and turn like crazy.

  It was time. I needed to be bold; otherwise, I was going to

  lose him. At least I knew I couldn’t stand to lose him. I felt like I

  was making progress, and it was all because of Demetri that I was!

  I even put away the yearbooks scattered in my room. I didn’t have

  the heart to throw away Brady’s sweatshirt, so I hid it in my closet.

  But at least I wasn’t wearing it. See? Progress!

  I smiled to myself and wiped down the counters. I only had

  another hour and then I was going to hunt that boy down and kiss

  him. I shivered just thinking about it.

  “Someone’s happy today,” a familiar voice announced. I

  hadn’t even heard the bell jingle above the door. Sam walked in,

  hands in his jean pockets. Handsome just like his brother, only this

  time when I thought of it, it made me smile instead of cry.

  “Need a taffy fix?” I grinned. He didn’t smile back. “Sam,

  what’s up? You need sugar that bad?”

  “No.” He shuffled his feet and refused to look at me directly

  in the eyes.
Geez, what was his deal?

  “So, you’re here to stare at the ground? You know you can

  do that outside, right?”

  This time his lips tilted upward into a smile. “You make

  things hard on a guy, Alyssa.”

  I didn’t like the tone of his voice. “Well, I have been told I’m

  difficult.”

  “More than difficult.” He pulled out a neatly folded piece of

  paper from his pocket and fidgeted with it. “I, um, I have

  something for you.”

  “Aw, a poem, you shouldn’t have,” I teased.

  “Alyssa.” He groaned and stuffed the note back into his

  pocket. “Never mind. This isn’t right. I’ll… I’ll see you later.” And

  just like that he bolted.

  “Weird,” I said aloud. If I didn’t know better I’d think he

  was just about to pass me a note that said, Do you like me? If you do,

  circle yes. If you don’t, circle no. The guy was super nervous-looking.

  Oh well. I didn’t have time to think about his reaction much,

  considering four customers walked in when he walked out.

  An hour later I was walking along the beach. I had texted

  Demetri and told him to meet me there. I don’t know why I was

  nervous. I mean, we’d kissed before. Actually, we’d kissed more

  than a few times, and every time we did I could have sworn I heard

  music.

  I smiled. I was smiling a lot more now. Maybe there was

  more to all that regret stuff.

  “Hey, sweetheart.” Demetri’s familiar voice made my head

  snap to attention. He was standing right next to me. Fitted jeans

  hugged his hips. He had on chucks and a tight black t-shirt that

  said Shaken not stirred.

  “Nice shirt.” I pointed.

  He laughed. “Yeah, it was a birthday gift from Nat. Alec

  made me swear I would wear it at least once and take a picture for

  her. Apparently, she thought it was funny.”

  “Why?”

  “Long story, movie quote thing with Alec that led to me

  telling him I was like James Bond. You know what? It’s not even

  funny. Never mind.” He pulled me into a side hug and kissed my

  head. “So how are you?”

  “Hmm.” I slowly stepped back.

  His eyebrows darted up. “Is that your answer? Hmm?”

  “No.” I grinned. “This is.” I grabbed his head and kissed

  him on the mouth before I could chicken out. I trailed my tongue

  across his lower lip; he opened his mouth and then wrapped his