Our Sins

by Kimberly Blalock

“Then you have to play nice.” This doesn’t mean anything to me. I feel disgust.

  I’ll never want him. I’m telling myself it’s just my body, not my heart or soul. It’s not helping. When he begins kissing my lips, tears build falling into the wasteland. Knowing I have no other choice than to keep my babies safe, I don’t fight him. I want to, but I don’t. I also don’t kiss him back. With my arms tight to my sides I claw at the concrete wall I’m being held against.

  And then it hits me as his hand slides to my thigh. Why do I have to let this happen? Why is this my fate? Why don’t I ever get a say in what happens to me? My face heats, my pulse races in my chest. I can feel it pounding in my ears, eyes, and fingers. My legs shake beneath me. How did I end up here? Weak and vulnerable. Depending on what? What or who’s going to save me? My Evan! I wish he were here, but he’s not.

  The questions flood every thought. My life goes from good to desperate in seconds. He’s pushing, and I’m just standing here? What does he think is going to happen? Is he going to fuck me and then claim me as his own? No, I belong with Evan until oblivion. Until death do us part. That was the deal. I promised him forever. My forever may end before his, but I’ll keep that promise. I’ll fight until my last breath because that’s what I have to do. It’s all I can do. “No.” My tear filled eyes open seeing his eyes cold, jaw tight, and when his body tenses his grip tightens with my feet threatening to give out. “I’ll fuck you any time I see fit, Abigale. I’ll touch you, lick you, and you won’t do anything. Hell, Abigale, look around. There’s nothing you can do.”

  When all seems dark, I remember what makes a man hurt more than anything. His balls being kicked into his stomach. My breaths are fast and shallow, but from somewhere deep I find courage. I find my strength. Raising my leg, I push him as hard as I can causing the sudden movements to throw him back a foot away from my body. My bare foot makes contact with his crotch pushing him off of me. I’m so grossed out feeling his hardness. “Kill me if you want.” I spit as he catches his breath quicker than I’d thought he would, coming at me.

  My hair is caught as he grips the spot I’d pulled my hair out at the hotel. I wince loudly leaning forward catching my breath. In the darkness I know it’s over. He’s pissed, and I’m going to keep fighting. But he has my body in his tight grip.

  “He probably hasn’t even noticed you’re gone.” His hands slide to my heated cheeks, his thumbs on my mouth pinning my head to the wall as he glares into my eyes. “He’s not here. It’s what he does, Abigale. He finds people, hunts them down, and kills them. But… he’s not here, is he? He didn’t hunt you down. He didn’t come save you.” He leans in. “Let it go.” What comes next is completely blocked out.

  Evan wrapping me into his arms twirling my hair as we take turns telling each other our favorite baby names from the book he’d picked up is all that I can see. My head against his warm chest. His free hand on my naked belly rubbing his thumb in a circle around my navel. Our legs wrapped around each other’s. That’s all I can feel. Our home, laughing, teasing, chasing, loving.

  I’m rushed from my private thoughts when Hollister’s hand lands on my bare breast. He’d taken the liberty of raising my top leaving me bare for him. Open, exposed, and humiliated. He wants a piece of me in this empty room closing in on me. If I’m going to die, then I’ll do it right. I’ll do anything to make him pay.

  I shove forward a few inches putting my body a little bit closer to this pig than I’d like. I smile pulling my head back as I grip my hands around his arms and slam my forehead into his as hard as I can. Oh shit! I wasn’t expecting to knock myself out. I push him back in a hurry as he stumbles catching his breath. I’m dizzy and a headache throbs aggressively, but I’ve got to get away from him.

  The hallway and rooms are dark, I stumble along the wall careful not to trip or fall. I don’t know how to get out of this maze of a building. I take a left then right. Shit, that will just take me back to the room I came from!

  “Abigale, what are you going to do?” His snide tone says he knows I have no idea.

  The wall ends revealing an opening, a doorway. I slide against the wall of the room, shaking. I can hear my breathing and heart pounding in my ears. I try to quiet the sound, afraid he’ll hear it too. He’s kept me in the room the entire time I’ve been here. I’ve only been through this building once, and it was only a few minutes as he walked me to the place he’d planned on keeping me.

  “Abigale, you like playing games? Want me to chase you? Does that turn you on?” I stiffen as the voice comes closer with each word. My hands cover my mouth to muffle my harsh, shallow breaths. But my breathing only quickens. I can’t keep it quiet. Adrenaline courses through me. I feel it running through my veins, but I have no way of utilizing it. “Abigale…” Reaching the wall near the entrance, I slide down, crouching with my face into my knees. My babies are safe in the fetal position I’ve slid into. “I’ll. Find. You.” He laughs. My arms wrap tightly around my legs while I still have my face shoved into them, crying and desperate.

  I hear the tapping on the wall behind me. He’s the one playing the games, not me. He knows where I am or suspects it anyway. He knows I have nowhere to go, so this is how he torments me. The tapping continues and then suddenly stops. My body stiffens. I don’t breathe, just hold my eyes tightly closed begging silently for a way out.

  “You know, I honestly thought you didn’t have it in you.” He’s standing in the doorway. I can’t see him because my eyes remain closed, but he’s there. Snickering and toying with me. Imagine a dark hole with a flare of red light. That’s where I am. On a nasty, dirty floor. This is how I’ve ended up. Nowhere to run, no one to save me. No one to make the torment go away. Just me and my tormentor. “I have to admit…” He pauses making a sound with his nose. I hope its gushing blood. “I did not see that coming. You surprise me, Abigale.” A grumble sets free.

  I release my hands from the tight hold lifting my head against the wall. I feel around in the darkness he sees me in so easily. I stand in the corner I’d slid into.

  “That a girl.” Does he always have to be such a dick?

  “I don’t know why you’re keeping me here. I don’t know why you hate my husband. I don’t know how he could’ve killed your father and I don’t care. Kill me if you want to, but you’ll never touch me again!” My bare feet stand firm on the grimy floor beneath me. The grimy floor is what holds me up, it serves as the platform of which I’ll use to tell him to get fucked. I will never do as he asks. I will never have him that close to my baby girls.

  “You think I need to have your permission to touch you? To have you? To keep you?” he asks annoyed then laughs with the same annoyance I’d heard in each word.

  “Yes, Hollister. That’s exactly what I think. You’re nobody to me. I trusted you once, but I’ll never make that mistake again. If you want to keep your dick in one piece, you’ll heed my warnings.” My words take on a power of their own. The strength that was lost has been found. At least for a few seconds, it’s all I need to speak my mind, telling him he’s never going to have me.

  His feet shuffle against the floor moving closer to me. The sound stops close leaving me to feel a cold rush against my heated face. A flashlight brightens the space revealing him there in front of me. “I don’t need your permission, Abigale. I can have anything I want. Anytime I want.” He shoves himself against my body. My breath catches preventing the intake of air. I hear the flashlight fall and smack hard on the floor, shooting light all over the room revealing a small reflection of a window. And then what breath I’ve found in the next few seconds is taken away. His lips meet mine shoving my pants down my thighs.

  Oh, God.

  “NO!”

  He growls into my ear. And then I feel him undo his pants against my belly. He’s pressing hard against me ready to violate me. And he was right, there isn’t anything I can do about it. His long, monstrous fingers grip my thighs in a sharp clamp. I fight holding them as tightly as I can.
Suck it up, Abigale! You can fight this monster. I’m strong. I’m not weak.

  “Let it go, Abigale.” A hazardous gush of alcohol invades from his breath. I shake my head forcefully attempting to get away. He’ll have to take every bit of it because I’ll never let it go.

  “You’re a fucking pig! You’re going to rape a pregnant woman?” I scream, determined to be heard. I want him to know what he’s really doing.

  “You’re going to do exactly as I want you to.” My control staggers on the edge. Why would I agree to that? Nothing this man says to me will cause this. “I see that questioning look in your eye.” Turning his head to the side he wipes his nose with the back of his hand. His eyes glare at me from the corner. “You’ll do it because your sweet Evan’s life depends on it.” Oh, fuck!

  His arms lift my tiny body holding me against the cold wall. I don’t move my legs I keep them below me tightly, determined to keep them that way. I scream. Loud… louder than I’ve ever screamed before. The echo is piercing. My arms flail punching him with my fists, scratching. I hope my ring makes a nice impression on the smug face I’m sure he’s holding onto. He holds my wrists taking me to the floor. I’m out of options. “It’s going to hurt. But then it’ll feel good, I promise. Every single inch.” He’s above me spreading my legs wide open for himself. I grip my tummy and close my eyes tight. I won’t beg. I will not break. I will be strong. “His. Life. Abigail. You wouldn’t want to see him hurt, would you?”

  LubduLubDubLubDub.

  The wicked thumping of my heart turns on me. Shattering me. “What will you do?” I ask.

  Cracking from his throat creeps out in the dark. “Would you prefer that I torment him slowly until he pulls the trigger himself? Ah, I could send him pieces of your beautiful body for a month. Or, would you rather I kill him quick? I could prevent suffering. I am a surgeon, after all.” His eyes are locked on mine, his nose mere centimeters away.

  “Fuck. You.” I spit in his face.

  He quickly turns his face, releasing my wrists wiping the spit away. “That…”He wipes more spit away. “Is simply not nice, Abigale.” He forcefully shoves himself inside me.

  Sharp, piercing fire rips through me, my body rejecting him. He’s forcing himself onto me right here, against my will, on the floor. I scream “no” over and over until the adrenalin has caused my mouth to dry so badly I can’t even move my lips because they’re stuck to my teeth. He continues to slam into my body so hard I think I’m going to throw up. I can no longer hear my heart beating in my ears or my harsh breath that once was louder than the grunting in his sick dominating pleasure. Silence comes, my mind drifts in the darkness of the room. My mind, his presence. It’s all dark, echoing, bouncing from me to the walls.

  Every emotion has attacked me. It’s unwanted. Only disgust and anger are viable in this darkness. The tears are never going to be a way out. They’re never going to take this pain away. They’re never going to make this better. Nothing will. Ever.

  His hands grip my thighs so hard it’s painful. A wince leaves my lips. My body slides on the floor with every shove inside of me and then I see it. My way out. The flashlight. I don’t think, I don’t breathe. I just reach for it. Wrapping my fingers tightly around the cold steel, I lean forward bracing my weight to one side and smack him in the head. I wait for something; him to stop and fall, die, scream.

  But he doesn’t break the sick hold he has on my body. “Not gonna stop me from fucking you.” He pounds into me harder, sweat dripping from his face and onto my body. He brings me to his chest holding tight so I can’t fight against him. My face is buried into him as he keeps going. I hear his growls and grunts. He stops and I pray to God he’s finished. I hope that he’s had enough and will just kill me. I know it’s coming, I just want to get this over with. I never want to experience this again. I’d happily die, I’ll beg for it, welcome it.

  My mouth is too dry to beg him to kill me, though. I hope my eyes will speak the words. My skin cringes as he pulls my face to his. “I told you. You have no say, Abigale. I could’ve had you anytime I wanted. But I waited until I wanted it.” He feigns sadness, puckering his lips out and blinking with his eyes. “And now you’re sitting on top of my dick because I said so.”

  Forcing a strained breath from my lips, I mutter, “Kill me.” Every flake of energy I have, every octave left inside of me is taken with those two words. I want to continue to beg, but I have nothing left.

  He laughs. My head falls. I’m so exhausted and drained. Lifeless and shattered. Broken and taken. I’m nothing. What hope I had for leaving this hell is gone. I’ll never be able to look at Evan again. Hollister has taken something from me that was precious and for Evan only. My fidelity. Why would anyone want someone that’s gross and used?

  Evan exudes perfection. His walk, talk, the way his lips part showing just a hint of his perfect smile. The little curl of his hair that he hates, I love. His voice; so rough and soothing at the same time. Those are just a few of the obvious, but the perfection on the inside is what I’ll never be able to live up to.

  The twinkle in his eyes when he’s happy. The generosity of giving a homeless man one-hundred dollars just because someone else needs it more than he does. Running to open a door for everyone standing behind him in a line. Offering an older woman a compliment because she isn’t smiling. Shaking an older gentleman’s hand and thanking him for his service because he desperately wants him to feel the appreciation Evan holds onto for the service men and women.

  Hollister speaks about Evan in a dark light, but that isn’t who Evan is. Evan is a spiritual being, even if Evan himself doesn’t realize it. I know that he struggles with demons, but those demons will never be as dark as my sins, the vows I’ve broken. The promises that have been scared with no hope of healing.

  “Kill you?” A dark laugh echoes. Lifting his eyes as I lift mine he says. “I’m not going to kill you.” His hand raises to my chin. “Abigale Hayes Young, I want to torment you. Then someone else is going to take pleasure in killing you.” Who and why would anyone else take pleasure in that? When he sees that I don’t understand he replies, “Abigale, I never wanted you.” His head bobs back and forth. “Okay, you’ve got me.” He smiles bobbing his head up and down. “I definitely wanted that pussy. The way you shake this perfect ass.” His slimy hands slide down my back groping at me. “These perfect tits, mmm, I wanted you.” His tongue sweeps his lips and his eyes sweep my body.

  The flashlight shines on him just enough allowing me to see his gestures, but now I wish I was lost and blind in the darkness again. He lifts me up and off of him sliding out easily having put his vile seed inside of me. I cringe once again shivering coldness running through the depths of my spine.

  He stands leaving his face dark again and I’m thankful. My body is in a heap on the floor. Reaching down I see his arm; rolled, white sleeve revealing a dagger tattoo. Grabbing my wrist, he begins pulling my arm and I slide against the floor. A fucking animal. There’s no sympathy for the broken mess he’s turned me into, just cold. “You actually thought I wanted you? I could’ve had you, Abigale, anytime I wanted, but you were his. That’s what I wanted.” His laugh is simple yet cold again. He wanted Evan?

  What the fuck?

  “The car accident, the text messages, pictures. That was me you dumb bitch. I wanted you to tell him. I wanted him to know what was happening. I wanted him scared. Hell, I wanted him fucking terrified.” A maniacal rumble resonates through is throat.

  “You…” I immediately feel I shouldn’t speak, react, feel anything. I’m in a desperate situation, one I may never be freed from, but I’m not weak. I’m still in control of what I openly give of myself. He’s taken my body in a disgusting, brutal wave of his sick twisted game. He wants to expose the nerves that sit on the tip of my emotion, break me, batter me in the darkness before he throws me to the hot oil I’m sure will be the severing wave of my life. But I can control what emotion I give him. I can control what comes from my mou
th. I can control what very well may be the last emotion I ever feel.

  Fear…

  I wake from a nightmare screaming. Panic, fear, and sweat dripping from my soaked skin. The nightmare was so real, so unforgiving. Evan rescuing me and being shot in the chest. Not a dream I ever want to have again.

  My hands grip my tummy checking on the babies when one of them move. The first time I’ve felt them since he destroyed me.

  “Thank God.” I breathe.

  The locks on the other side of the door make a loud clinking thud as the door opens. It’s dark and I can’t see anyone. I grab my belly tighter bringing my legs up as far as they’ll go to protect my babies. The door closes with another loud thud. I hear footsteps. Boots maybe? Different than Hollister’s steps.

  “Who’s there?” I whisper.

  Silence. Then a grinding noise against the floor has me curled up even tighter. A light comes on shinning so bright I’m blinded with pain in my eyes. I hold my hands over my face.

  “Abigale Hayes.” A familiar accent rings in my ears.

  I slowly open my eyes looking for the voice. Only seeing an outline because my eyes haven’t adjusted yet. “Who are you?” His face begins taking shape. His nose, eyes, cheeks, hair. Kale? A hiss comes from my lips in a rush. “What’re…? What’re you doing here?”

  “I’m here for payback, Abigale.” Oh, fuck.

  I don’t know what to say, what to do. Fuck. My babies move in my tummy forcefully. They’re okay for now, probably reacting to the adrenaline. My heart beats hard against my chest, more adrenaline taking up space in my veins.

  My babies are okay. Which means I’ll need to live. For them to survive, I’ll be strong. I suck in a deep breath taking in the room when my eyes adjust.

  “Over here.” He snaps his fingers. My eyes dart to his.

  “What payback?” I ask bringing my breath to a slowed pace.

  “Your husband.” He pauses to cross his leg over the other. Fresh cologne, suit.