Perfectly Loved

by Lacey Silks

  “What?”

  “That’s right. I know all about your little brother.”

  “You’re lying. I don’t even know where Timothy is. How could you?”

  “He’s twelve now, isn’t he? And he’s a very curious boy. Loves it when I talk to him about all the things that big boys do. You know – steal, spray paint graffiti, deal on the streets to survive. His little eyes open up so wide, like he can’t wait to be as old as his good friend Mark. And there’s a need for boys like him out there. The demand for the young, untouched, and innocent never falls. I could make big bucks with him.”

  A picture of my brother, wandering the streets in torn clothing, flashed through my mind.

  “You’re bluffing. You couldn’t know about him. It’s impossible.”

  “Ha! That’s what I thought. And then I happened to run into your mother at a crack house. One evening, she was kind enough to share a needle, and told me the sad story of her children being taken away from her and how grateful she felt to be in touch with her younger one, her son – but not the older one, her daughter, who chose to skip out on the foster system before she could reunite.”

  “It wasn’t my mother.”

  “Of course it was. She even mentioned her cheating husband and my mother having an affair. It was the whole reason why she had her little girl, and Timothy – to try to keep a straying husband closer.”

  “Well, she couldn’t have told you much about Timothy. It was a closed adoption.”

  “Yeah, she mentioned something about the new parents feeling sorry for the baby and for her. They let her come on the holidays to see her son. Every. Single. Fucking. Year.”

  What? Yet she still wouldn’t see me. Why would my own mother have chosen my brother over me? Maybe she didn’t have enough time. Or perhaps she really hated me. Hell, she’d told me so enough times. I reminded her of her mother too much. I cared about Timothy more than she did, and made her look bad in front of her husband. Yeah, my mother was a gem; and no matter how much she wanted to appear polished, her rough edges would remain carved forever.

  “She must have been stoned.”

  She had to be, to let someone like Savage get close to my brother. I tried to wiggle out of his tight grip, but he held on.

  “Still don’t believe me, do you? What if I told you I helped her last Christmas, so she could visit her son? He has a scar on his right shoulder from a burn. Remember the other home you torched? The trailer? You seem to have a knack for fire. Still, I could take you to him if you wanted me to.” He shrugged.

  “You would?”

  “But not yet. He’s not ready yet. And I’m not here to reunite you with your family, sweetheart. I’m here to ensure you don’t have one, just the way you stripped mine away. And I’ll just keep visiting him and telling him stories about street life; you know, be like his guide. Hey, I could be like an uncle to him, or something.”

  “You stay away from him. He’s just a child. Haven’t you done enough already?”

  “Not even close. I’m just getting started. And then I thought, what if I could kill two birds with the same stone? What if I could make Millie Carlton even more miserable? Make her pay for forgetting where she came from.”

  I shifted, and his dirty finger by my jaw slipped inside my mouth. I thought I’d gag. I should have bitten it off right then and there, but he shoved it so deep into my throat that I couldn’t. I bent over and almost threw up. He grabbed me by my hair and lifted me to stand against the wall.

  “Don’t you want to hear my great idea?”

  Not really.

  “What if I could keep Timothy and Dave away from you at the same time? What if I could make sure that Millie remained alone for the rest of her life?”

  He slid his hand up to my throat this time and pressed over my neck until I could barely breathe.

  “I’m not going to tell you where your brother is, that would be too nice of me, but I’ll give you a choice.”

  Why did I have a feeling that I wouldn’t like the choice at all?

  “I’ll stay clear of Timothy. I won’t fill his mind with all the wonderful things that make up life. I won’t teach him how to use a gun, how to forge prescriptions, or how to make moonshine. I won’t make him suck off a pedophile for money – that is, if you stay away from Dave.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me. I don’t care if you fuck other men or even date them. But you stay away from Dave.”

  “He’s my family. His sister is my best friend. For God’s sake, we live together.”

  “Hey, if you need help packing and moving, I’m there for you.”

  “Fuck you.”

  I spat in his face, but he didn’t even flinch. Savage wiped the saliva with the back of his hand. A dreadful smirk lurked at the corner of his mouth.

  “You don’t think I’m serious?”

  Oh, I knew he was serious. But he was also asking for the impossible. Dave was my soul mate. I couldn’t just leave him for no reason. Was my young brother reason enough? Was there any way out of this?

  “Make it happen, Carlton. Or I’ll be on Timothy’s doorstep within hours.”

  “No! You can’t. You leave that boy alone.”

  “So you’ll do it.”

  “I need time.”

  “You’re moving out tomorrow.”

  “Jesus, this isn’t easy, Savage.”

  “Well, you could just give me your pussy right now, and we’ll call it even.”

  “I’d rather rot in hell.”

  “And I have a feeling that you’re about to get there.”

  He finally let me go. “I’ll be watching you. Tomorrow” – he pointed his finger – “or Timothy is going to get his first life lesson.”

  As soon as he turned the corner I screamed, “Fuck! Fucking fucker, son of a bitch, asshole Savage! May all the bugs eat you slowly when you rot underground one day. May your death be the slowest and most painful ever!”

  I walked around the neighborhood until I couldn’t feel my legs any more. My lungs ached from the frozen air and my eyes burned with cold tears. Should I have given myself to Savage? Would that have saved my brother and Dave? I doubted it. The night was dark. I wasn’t sure how long it took me to finally decide to stop, but I was pretty sure that it was my bladder that forced me into that bar. I held it in for as long as I could. The bathroom door in the back was ajar, and the voice I heard coming from within paralyzed me. Afraid that my ears could be betraying me – after all, I had hit my head pretty hard against that wall when Savage shoved me – I peeked through the door. My heart sank. It tore into shreds. Just when I thought this night couldn’t get any worse, it did.

  Dave’s back was turned to me. His pants were down to his ankles, and Laurie was down on her knees with him inside her mouth. I staggered backward, almost falling, and sped out of that bar as fast as I could. As soon as I was outside, I felt my bladder let go and I left.

  I scrubbed myself clean that night and completely spent, slid into bed. It was another couple of hours before Dave got home.

  He wanted to make love to me, and all I could do was pretend to sleep. Nothing made sense today. My life had been officially ruined. I wanted to disappear. I needed to be alone.

  His hand slid over my tummy and up to my breast as he spooned me. It felt so wrong and so right at the same time.

  But I couldn’t find the strength to turn to him and ask him about that evening. It all seemed so unreal. Seeing him in that bar bathroom being sucked off made my decision to leave easier. I hadn’t been sure if I could, until that moment. It gave me that extra push I was looking for. Dave had cheated on me. He’d betrayed me. I had no other choice but to leave. So as he took me that night and fucked me from behind, I cried into the pillow while making plans to disappear.

  That was the last time we were together in our home, and the first time when I didn’t feel as perfectly loved as I always had with him.

  Chapter 22

  Dave

&n
bsp; Present time

  Millie’s phone call came late at night. As soon as she said the three words – “I need you” – I jumped out of my bed, into my jeans, put on the first shirt I could grab, and was out of that apartment. Thoughts of everything that could have gone wrong flashed through my mind. Had Savage found her? I should have stayed with her and Mrs. Bowers and not gone to work, but I couldn’t refuse a last minute plea from the department. One of our guys had called with a family emergency, and I knew they’d be there for me as well.

  I need you.

  That’s all it took. Arming myself with steel-strong nerves, I held onto the steering wheel as I drove to the hospital. What was she doing there? Why wasn’t she with Mrs. Bowers, where I’d left her? Had something happened to the old lady? I hoped not. My mind was spinning with the possibilities. Had there been an accident? Had Savage found her at the only place we thought was safe? Shivers ran up and down my spine, and if it weren’t for the fact that I was driving and Millie needed me, I was sure I’d throw up. I pulled my hand over my eyes, trying to get them to open up some more. It was three in the morning, and I’d worked the late shift last night. I was so tired that I’d forgotten to take the enlarged photograph for Mrs. Bowers home, and it was still on the car’s front seat beside me.

  I sped through the hallways, knocking over an unused intravenous machine. My arm tangled up in the feeding tube of a patient who’d been pushed against a wall, almost ripping it out of his nose. After a few dirty looks of warning from the nurses to slow down, I did. And that’s how I was sure I could be an expert at speed walking — a champion, actually. When I saw her sitting in that hallway chair, with her head down, I was flooded with relief. Okay, so it wasn’t her who was hurt… or was it? She lifted her head as if she’d sensed me. We stared at each other for a few seconds before I ran toward her. She tried to stand but she couldn’t find the strength, so I just crouched in front of her and took her hands into mine, rubbing them gently.

  “Are you all right? What happened?”

  “I found her by the freezers at the market. She was curled in a fetal position and passed out.”

  “Who, Millie?”

  “My mother.”

  “What? You mean the food mart by Mrs. Bowers?”

  “Yes.”

  “What was she doing all the way out there?”

  “I… I don’t know.” She covered her face in her hands again. Jesus, the tears spilling out of her eyes were marble-sized. I never pictured Millie as being someone who would cry over her mother. As far as I knew, Millie had never thought much about her parents at all. Had I been mistaken?

  Just then, a doctor came out of the room. “Ms. Carlton, she’s awake now. We’ve hydrated her, but she’s not well. Actually, it’s very bad. Did… did your mother ever tell you she had cancer?”

  “No, we were estranged.”

  “There’s not much we can do other than ease her pain. It won’t be long. She’s heavily sedated now.”

  “So, she’s dying?”

  “Yes. Maybe if she’d come in earlier, we could have prolonged her life.”

  “Well, how long does she have? A couple of months? Weeks?”

  “Ms. Carlton, her organs are failing as we speak, and her body is shutting down. In my professional opinion, she might only have a few hours. So if you need to make arrangements with a pastor or notify other family members, now would be a good time.”

  Millie just stared at the doctor, more tears spilling out of her eyes.

  “I’m so sorry,” the doctor said gently.

  “Can I see her?”

  “Of course.”

  I followed Millie into the darkened room. The innocuous sound of a beeping machine echoed, and weird chills ran up my arms. Her mother’s eyes were closed and sunk into her face. The protruding cheekbones made her look gaunt. Heck, she looked like she was part of the other world already.

  Millie sat by her side and took her mother’s skeletal hand into hers.

  “Molly?”

  “It’s Millie, mom.”

  “Ahh, Millie. What are you doing here? Where am I?”

  “You’re at the hospital, and you’re very sick.”

  “I’ve been sick for a long time,” she replied in a hoarse voice. While I knew that her mother had had Millie early in her life, and therefore was around fifty, she looked much closer to one hundred. In fact, she reminded me of Mrs. Bowers at her worst.

  “Is there anyone you want me to call?”

  She shook her head and looked like she wanted to cry but couldn’t get the tears out of her malnourished eyes.

  “I don’t deserve for anyone to weep over my grave, baby.”

  “Don’t say that.” Millie’s tears just kept on coming.

  “Why you crying? I’ve done nothing good for you.”

  “Doesn’t matter. And you have, because I remember when you used to swing me on a rope and I’d jump into the river.”

  “Your grandfather would catch you.” Her eyes closed.

  “Yeah, see? You gave me some good memories.”

  Her mother sighed heavily and showed somewhat of a smile. “That was before I went back to your father.”

  “You weren’t always together?”

  “I left him after you were born, but I wasn’t strong enough to resist him for long, and I went back. Then there was Timothy, and… I wish I was stronger.”

  “You are strong, mom. You really are.”

  “Not as strong as you. I wish I had never met him.”

  “Who?”

  “Your father.”

  “I don’t even remember him.”

  “Good. He’s not worth a memory, and I pity the mealworms that are eating at him.”

  “He’s dead?” Millie asked.

  Her mother nodded. “You’re the only one in our family who didn’t stray. Look at you… you’re beautiful.” She reached out and caressed Millie’s face, cupping it.

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t keep Timothy safe. I tried, I really did,” Millie wept.

  When did all this happen?

  “Ahh… Timothy. He used to be a good boy for a while. I haven’t seen him in over a year.”

  Millie completely broke down at that point and kept repeating, “I’m sorry,” to her mother over and over again.

  “I should have left him alone with his new family. I’m the one who drew trouble, baby. Not you.”

  Her hand flopped down to the bed and she closed her eyes. She didn’t open them again. Millie laid her head on the bed with her mother’s hand still on her cheeks. I sat in the same spot, watching her, wishing I could take away the pain that I saw curling through her body. It might have been a couple of hours before the sound of the continuous beep echoed through the room. Millie picked up her head and wiped her tears away, as if somehow her mother’s final words and death had brought her peace.

  A nurse and a doctor entered the room, turned off the machines, and asked us to join them in a small office near the nurse’s station. They were mostly talking to Millie and getting her to sign forms and papers. There was mention of a funeral home, and Millie just kept nodding. I was sure she hadn’t heard a word they said. Once they left, I sat beside her on the little couch and took her into my arms.

  “Baby, don’t cry. Please. She was sick. Very sick.”

  “She was it. She was the last part of a blood family I had.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “She was it. She said my father died, not that it mattered, but she was it.”

  “What about your brother? She said you got in touch with him. When was this?”

  At the mention of him, Millie buried her face into my chest and sobbed even harder. “We can find him for you, baby. We can. He’s over eighteen now, so the adoption records should be open.”

  “We won’t find him. Ever. Because I already know where he is.”

  “Where is he?”

  “He’s dead, Dave.”

  “What? How? When did this ha
ppen?”

  “Last winter. You shot him. You shot my brother at the park.”

  “Zack?”

  “No, his name was Timothy. He changed it to Zack later. And he was coming to see me that day when you were on duty, but that asshole Savage was there, and then everything went so wrong. He’s a bad man, Dave. He’s been after me for so long and I’m so, so tired.”

  Millie couldn’t stop talking, and I just listened. I listened to her re-live the prom night, when she’d fought off Savage as he threatened to kill her. I listened carefully as she told me about the night he’d shoved her against the wall and told her he knew where Timothy was, as well as the blackmail he’d been holding over her head for all these years. She told me about seeing Laurie take me inside her mouth when she walked into the bathroom that night.

  I cringed and held her tighter and tighter.

  Then I listened to her tell me the story how she finally got a chance to meet her brother, and how I’d been the one who took his life that same night. Savage had come to the park with Timothy. He had never lived up to his promise, and had tortured that boy for all those years, brainwashing him to be a thug just like him. Timothy was confused when he found out who Millie was. He tried to stop Savage as he beat her and dragged her to a secluded area in the park, but once the gun was pointed to his head he had as much choice as Millie. Somehow, she managed to reach into her pocket and dialed my number. I was on duty that night and not far away when I heard the struggle on the other side of the line. When I saw her from the parking lot, with her shirt torn, hair in disarray, and body trembling, Timothy was pointing the gun her way. I drew my weapon on instinct. Timothy startled and shot. I fired, unaware that he had shot Savage and not Millie. My view of Savage was blocked by a tree. I wasn’t aware that Timothy had been trying to protect Millie. I didn’t know he was pointing the gun at Savage, not Millie. And Millie never told me who the boy was. In fact, he did go by the name of Zack back then; his street name. I’d felt guilty that I hadn’t looked for him longer than a year after we’d met. I’d never forget those crystal clear eyes. Millie had the same eyes, and I’d been drawn to him the same way I’d been drawn to her. That day was the last time she pushed away from me, eight months ago. It all made sense now. In fact, it made too much sense. Savage got time for possession and aggravated assault, and didn’t even serve his full sentence. Timothy’s shot only wounded him in the shoulder.