She forced away the dark thoughts and took her dinner and glass of wine over to sit on the armchair adjacent to Kai.
“How was your day?” They both asked at exactly the same moment.
She laughed as she stared down at her pasta. “Sorry, you go first.”
“No, I’m sure you were busier. How are those fighter pilots?”
She stabbed her fork into her dinner and shrugged one shoulder. “One only had minor injuries. He’s already been discharged. The other was a little more serious, but he’s stable and should recover.”
Truthfully, she didn’t feel like talking about work or her day. While it had been relatively normal, she felt more drained than usual. It probably had something to do with Kai coming back and the emotional stresses she kept refusing to think about. There’d be time to deal with herself later, after she was sure Kai was on the mend psychologically, as well as physically.
“What did you get up to?” she asked before shoveling a forkful of pasta into her mouth.
He leaned forward and gestured for the volume to lower on the TV, before looking back at her. “Not much. Caught up with Alpha before he disappeared into a briefing with Emmanuel, and then went to commerce level. Spent about two hours at the BUE branch, finding out what had happened to my accounts and whether I might be able to get my money back.”
“So what happened to it all?” she got out between mouthfuls of food. As usual, the meal from the Knox Grill was delicious.
“Well, that’s where things get confusing.” He took a swig of beer, then set the bottle down. “Usually in the case of death, the funds are passed on to the next of kin, but I rang my parents, and they hadn’t seen a cent of it. Same with my sister. The bank said if it hadn’t gone to my family, then it might be in some holding fund, where unclaimed monies are put for seven years or something. They’re going to follow it up for me.”
“Well, that’s good. It means you’ll probably get it all back, right?”
He nodded, a shadow of distraction etching his features. “Could take days, or maybe weeks. They’re going to let me know tomorrow if they find anything out.”
“Did something else happen?”
He started to shake his head, lips pressed into a line. But then he picked up his beer to take another drink, and put the bottle down again, as though he were debating whether to tell her. She’d known him too long, and could easily tell when he had something on his mind. Whether or not he decided to share was another matter entirely.
“It’s nothing,” he said at last. “I just saw that soldier again, on commerce level. You know the one from yesterday that I thought I recognized, but couldn’t place.”
She dropped her focus to her plate as she finished up her meal. “Still can’t remember?”
“No.” Kai shifted forward, so he was sitting on the edge of the cushions. “But it’s like something in my mind is telling me it’s important, that I should know who this guy is.”
He fisted his hands against his knees, gaze slicing away as his attention clearly turned inward, trying to solve this puzzle that seemed to have dug itself into his mind.
She reached out and wrapped her hand around his fist, regaining his attention.
“You know the more you try to think about it, the more it will elude you. Don’t worry, it’ll come when you least expect it, probably when you don’t even care anymore.”
“I know, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. And there’s something about him—” He shook his head and pulled back from her grasp, reaching over to grab his beer. “Never mind.”
“What about him?” Sometimes, people suffering from PTSD focused almost obsessively on someone or something. It was a coping mechanism, so they didn’t have to focus on their own issues. She’d been waiting for it almost every minute she’d been with him—the first sign of PTSD kicking in. There was no way he could have spent almost a year and half as a POW without experiencing some form of the disorder.
“This is going to sound nuts, even I know that, but my instincts are telling me there’s something off about him. I just have no idea why. He was acting kind of suspicious when I saw him on commerce level this morning.”
“Suspicious how?” She pitched her voice at an even tone, automatically slipping into doctor mode. Usually he would have called her on it, but he seemed too wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice.
“I don’t know exactly. Just sort of wandering around, looking into all these shops but not going in, and then he just disappeared.”
“I see.”
Kai glanced up sharply at her, brows lowered over an indignant look. “I knew you’d laugh at me, or send me up for a psyche eval. And I know it’s stupid, I told you that.”
“I’m not laughing.” Nope, she certainly wasn’t. The psyche eval was probably closer to the mark, but since he was aware of how illogical his thoughts were, she wasn’t that worried. “And I’m not going to check you into a padded cell at the psyche annex. This is perfectly normal. Your mind has just picked this particular soldier to focus on, so you’re not constantly thinking about what happened to you.”
The indignant expression deepened, with an edge of exasperation. “Thank you, Doctor Dalton, I didn’t realize we were on the books right now.”
“Sorry, Kai, but I told you when I offered my couch that I’d be monitoring your recovery.”
He huffed out a sigh and sank back into the couch cushions, dragging both hands across his face. “So I should just forget about it, right? I probably won’t see him again before he returns to the ground, and if I do, I’ll just tell myself it’s no big deal.”
She sent him a short grin. “If all my patients were as smart and logical as you, I wouldn’t need to work four extra hours like I did today.”
“Then why are you still working, treating me like a patient?” He sat forward and reached down to grab her ankle. She’d kicked off her shoes at the door like she always did, and the sensation of his warm, callused fingers against her bare feet all but had her shuddering.
“Because technically you are my patient. And it’s an occupational hazard. When you’re a doctor, it’s hard to ever really switch off.”
She clamped her hands onto the armrests of the chair as Kai’s thumb pressed into the ball of her foot and dragged down toward her heel. Pleasure rippled up her leg and a shiver followed in its wake. She could have groaned at the relief he was bringing her poor, abused feet. Instead she tugged, trying to reclaim the limb. “Thanks, but I think I’ll go have a shower.”
“Nuh-uh.” He clamped his hand around her ankle to stop her from escaping. “I remember you always used to complain about your sore feet when you were an intern.”
“Well now I’m used to it, I hardly even notice.”
“Bull.” He dug his thumb into a particularly sensitive spot and she had to bite her lip over a moan. Still, from the sharpening of his gaze, it appeared her pretense of being unaffected wasn’t fooling anyone. “You’re caring for me, sharing your home with me. I have to repay you in some way.”
His voice had lowered a notch, and she tried to tell herself she was imagining the suggestive tone to his words. Yet, as she met his warm topaz gaze, the intensity of his regard closed around her, tempting her to forget her obligations and that there was anything else in the universe beyond the two of them.
She dragged in a deep, unsteady breath, hanging onto the last threads of her rapidly fraying composure. She’d been over and over why this was a bad idea. With Kai clearly displaying early signs of PTSD, now, more than ever, she had to be the one with a level head here, draw the line and commit to upholding it.
“We can’t keep doing this.” Her voice came out mostly even, with only the slightest hitch.
“What, foot massages?” His expression was all faked innocence.
This time when she tugged her foot, he let her go.
“You know what I mean. Yes, there are emotions and feelings between us, but it’s too complicated. You can see tha
t, right?”
“Yeah, I can see it.” He pinned her in place with a look hot enough to melt every single resolve she’d armored herself with. “But I can also see how good it would be.”
No. No, no, no. She started to get up, escape the only way she could see getting through this with her resolutions intact. Until Kai came down on his knees in front of her, trapping her in the seat when he clamped both hands on the cushions on either side of her.
She swallowed, focusing on his eyes and not letting her gaze stray down to his mouth, not letting herself remember exactly how hot his kisses had been.
“Isn’t that hurting your leg?”
He shrugged, and this close, she caught a glimpse of his biceps flexing at the movement.
“The dull ache I have is nothing to what I put up with in the last year. And at least I can actually bend it now, thanks to you.” He leaned in closer. “Stop trying to distract me.”
She flattened her hands against his chest to stop him getting any nearer. Her fingers tightened with the urge to caress the muscled expanse, instead of simply holding him at length.
“I’m serious. This is not going to happen between us.”
“It will happen, because no matter how complicated it is between us, what I feel when I’m near you overrides everything else. Makes it simple and clear that this is exactly what I need. What we both need.”
Her heart tripped over itself, and she swallowed against the sweet, rising heat within her. Grappling for the last of her control, she tried to set her features into a stern look, hoping he couldn’t see her weakening resolve beneath.
“Maybe one day it will happen.” Saying the words were harder than she’d imagined, but even if she could lie to her oldest friend, she had no doubt he’d see right through it. “But I’m telling you it’s not going to happen tonight, or any time soon. Now if you don’t mind, I need to go wash my hair.”
His lips quirked up in a quick smile before he pushed back and returned to his seat. “All right then, go wash your hair, and take care of any other needs. Call out if you want some assistance—I’d be more than willing to help.”
It took her a split second to catch his meaning, the smirk he sent her cementing the innuendo. A blush bloomed out of the heat she’d already been feeling, and she grabbed the cushion off the armchair to throw at him as she stood.
“Get your mind out of the gutter, Yang.”
He caught the cushion against his chest. “Hey, it’s not like I won’t be doing the same thing later. Unless you’re offering to help me.”
His words pulled her up short and she glared over her shoulder at him.
“You better be joking about doing that in my shower!”
Great, she’d be in there washing her hair, and thinking about nothing but Kai with his hands on himself. And she didn’t need to imagine some fantasy thanks to their recent shower together—she had every single detail of his body burned into her memory.
He didn’t reply and, from the grin he sent her, she couldn’t tell if he’d been joking or not. She chose to believe he was, otherwise when she got in the shower, she wouldn’t need to turn the hot faucet on to make some steam; the cold water hitting her overheated body would do that all by itself.
Chapter Nine
Kai jerked awake, breath trapped in his lungs and heart hammering so hard, he swore it would give out on him any second. He glanced around, searching for Amos, praying for the gray light of dawn or the silvery-blue of the moon to be visible so he didn’t strain his eyes against the pitch black of dead night. But his mind scrambled, not recognizing his surroundings for a long second.
“Kai.”
Sacha. She was seated on the coffee table next to the couch, wearing a light robe, her hair in a tumbled mess, but her gaze sharp.
“It’s okay, you’re on the Knox, remember—?”
“Yeah.” He pushed straighter, relieved as his drumming heart dropped a few paces. Unlike last time, when he’d had trouble shaking the thick web of the nightmare, his brain kicked into gear faster, clearing the confusion within moments.
Unfortunately it didn’t take away the icy cold seeping through his soul, or the shock of his subconscious cooperating at last.
“It was him.” He jerked to his feet, shoving the tangled blanket from around his hips and legs.
Sacha stood more slowly. “What was him?”
“The soldier.” He grabbed her shoulders, the gratification of remembering ramming into a deluge of dark possibilities. “The soldier I recognized from the ground. He’s CSS. He was one of the guards at the camp, but he was only around in the first two months or so, then we didn’t see him again.”
Because he’d infiltrated the UEF posing as a ground soldier? Or because he’d been a UEF operative inside the CSS Enlightening Camp? But then, why hadn’t he reported that he and Amos were being held prisoner?
Sacha reached up and covered his hand with hers. “Slow down and explain it to me.”
He took a short breath, forcing his racing thoughts into some semblance of order. “The soldier who accompanied Cam, who I’ve been trying to place. I saw him at the Enlightening Camp. He was one of the guards.”
“Okay, how did you remember?” She didn’t sound worried, just curious.
“The dream I just had. It was from before my leg got broken. He and another guard came into our cell one day and—”
“He was in your dream,” she repeated, her voice calm and non-judgmental. Which meant she was definitely judging him and finding something wrong with his words.
“Yes, but it wasn’t just a dream, it was a memory.” His words were clipped with impatience. He didn’t need Sacha pulling her doctor crap on him, he needed her to listen. “Don’t you get it? He’s CSS, and he’s infiltrated our ranks. Hell, Sacha, he’s onboard the Knox right now. I knew he was up to something when I saw him yesterday. We have to warn Emmanuel—”
“Kai!” Sacha clamped her hands on either side of his jaw. “Calm down and think about this. We’re not rushing off to tell Emmanuel anything without being absolutely certain.”
He stepped out of her hold, disbelief slicing painfully through him. “I am certain. I remember clearly—”
“No, you had a bad dream.” She crossed her arms, expression unforgiving. “I told you earlier tonight that often a person focuses on something as a coping mechanism. How do you know your mind didn’t just put the face of that soldier onto a guard that maybe looked similar, because you’ve been obsessing so much about this?”
“I’m not obsessing, and I’m not crazy. I know it’s him.”
Her lack of belief in him cut to the bone, but he knew he was right about this. Every instinct told him his memory was real.
She shook her head. “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you accuse some poor man of being CSS on nothing but the basis of a dream. And if you went to Emmanuel with this, he would tell you the same thing. Think about the ramifications, Kai. Do you want Emmanuel questioning your ability to return to duty?”
His lungs seized on the truth of that. Bad enough Sacha didn’t believe him. He couldn’t take even worse skepticism from Emmanuel, and no doubt the look of pity that would accompany it. Because the once-admirable Commander Yang was now a crazy, paranoid son of a bitch. Yeah, that was one party he didn’t want to play host to.
He took an unsteady step back and sat heavily on the couch, while some of his self-perceptions crashed down around him.
Sacha crouched in front of him. “It’s okay. You don’t need to worry about this, and by morning, neither of us will even think about it again. You had a nightmare and woke up confused. It happens to everyone, even people who haven’t gone through the trauma you have.”
He tore his gaze away from her compassionate expression, too close to sympathy for his comfort.
“I don’t need a consult, Sacha. I just want to go back to sleep.”
Yeah, like he’d get any more sleep tonight. But he didn’t need her around offering her logical, clini
cal observations on his state of mind.
She stood with a low sigh. “Pushing me away isn’t the answer.”
He cut her a frustrated look. “Yeah? Well you seemed happy enough to push me away earlier tonight.”
It’d been a low blow, and they both knew it. If he hadn’t been feeling the sting of humiliation before, he sure as hell did now.
He kicked his legs up onto the couch and jerked the blanket off the floor. “Just leave me alone before I say something else we’ll both regret. Unless you’ve changed your mind about what we were doing earlier…?”
Because feeling anything would be better, other than the dark, insecure confusion coursing through him.
Sacha didn’t move away, but he refused to look up at her. He could guess she had about a hundred other things she wanted to tell him, wanted to fix him as surely as she fixed every other patient under her care.
After a long moment, she left and, not long after, he heard the sound of her bedroom door closing.
Blowing out a long breath, he let his head drop back against the cushions and swallowed against the sudden press of loneliness. Maybe he shouldn’t have been such an ass. Maybe he should have asked her to sit with him and chat, so long as they didn’t talk about the dream or the soldier.
Instead, he had to lie here and try to ignore the ghosts of his captivity, with nothing else to keep him distracted.
…
Kai awoke to the trilling of the new comm Emmanuel had issued him. How and when he’d fallen back asleep, he had no idea, but his head throbbed and his eyes ached, like maybe he needed another few solid hours. Instead, he forced himself upright and groped for the comm sitting on the coffee table.
There was a message from Alpha, saying that he wasn’t on-shift today, and was heading to the officers’ gym if he wanted to join for a workout. He set the comm down again and rubbed his eyes, trying to clear the last haze of sleep from his mind.
Escape Velocity Page 10