“Sacha?” He checked her door, which stood wide open. The kitchen was empty, and he couldn’t hear the shower running. A quick glimpse of the time told him she’d probably already gone to work.
Well, considering the way they’d left things last night, that was probably a good thing. Though, it was also postponing the inevitable. They were going to have to talk about it at some stage, which brought him right back around to feeling the sting of her unconcealed disbelief.
In the clear light of day, the certainty that it hadn’t been a dream, but a clear memory, returned and solidified. Okay, maybe he was damaged, both physically and psychologically from his time as a POW, and he would own that. But he was also the same guy Sacha had grown up with, and he was also Commander Yang, whose word had once been gospel. When he said he was convinced the soldier was the same guard from his confinement, couldn’t she at least consider the possibility and not dismiss the idea out of hand?
With the CSS turning to offensives, that one of them had potentially infiltrated the UEF left him with a bad feeling churning low in his guts. Because if there was one, there would probably be more. There were too many deadly possibilities as to what CSS moles could do with their access.
There was no way he could get proof of his unfounded knowledge. Not unless he caught the soldier doing something suspicious or obviously counteractive to the UEF’s efforts. But that would be next to impossible, short of following the man nonstop, which would only confirm Sacha’s belief he was paranoid and obsessed.
Frustration pulsed through him, closely followed by a bitter helplessness. No matter what Sacha believed about his state of mind, Emmanuel needed to be made aware before the soldier made his move or found out he’d been compromised. Even if he risked ending up in the psyche annex for being paranoid and delusional, he had a responsibility to report his suspicions.
However, he couldn’t rush out half-cocked—he needed something solid to back up his claim. This was going to take some serious consideration, so he pushed down the niggling problem as best he could while he scrounged up some breakfast and then showered. After he’d gotten dressed, there was another message on his phone from the BUE informing him that his money had been found, and would be returned to him in new accounts within the next forty-eight hours.
A small swell of relief ran through him. At least that took care of one issue. He could get closer to feeling like his old self once he had some funds at his disposal and could buy himself some basics.
He left Sacha’s apartment feeling a little better about things, went up to the officers’ gym, and found Alpha. The two of them quickly got into a routine, though it wasn’t as vigorous as he would have liked. Before he’d been discharged from med-level, Macaulay had given him a lecture about doing too much. Usually he wouldn’t have listened to Doctor Douche, but the threat of needing surgery on his bad leg kept him from really pushing himself. He could build himself back up over the days and weeks, until his body became used to the cathartic physical exertion again.
Alpha didn’t try to talk about anything important while they worked out, it was mostly the usual guy stuff, which was a welcome relief. Even the problem of the CS Soldier hiding in their ranks left him alone for a while.
But once he and Alpha parted ways, Sacha and the conversation the night before consumed him. She hadn’t deserved the brush-off he’d given her. Maybe he needed to go find her, clear the air. Except if he did find her, he wasn’t quite sure what he’d end up doing with her.
The more time he spent with her, the harder it was to ignore the lust that had been on a constant, low simmer since the first day back on ship when he’d kissed her.
He wanted her in a way he’d never wanted another woman. Maybe it simply came down to a fact of denial—wanting what he couldn’t have. Or maybe because it was Sacha, and he knew her well enough to believe going there with her would be amazing. She insisted things between them were complicated but, in his opinion, she was making it more problematical than it needed to be. The things he felt toward her were simple and pure. What was so wrong with wanting to get lost in that for a while with someone he trusted?
Sacha wasn’t one to hold grudges. Still, she’d also want to talk about things, and he wasn’t ready to go there yet, not until he’d be able to convince her he hadn’t imagined recognizing the soldier. It was a simple matter of battle strategy.
In the meantime, he was going to make good on Cam McAllister’s invitation to catch up while he was onboard the Knox. And if he happened to see a certain suspicious soldier in the meantime, then he’d just write that off as coincidence if she asked.
Chapter Ten
“If you stare any harder at that datapad, it’s going to explode.”
Sacha looked up from the charts she’d been reviewing to see Cassidy Willow standing in the doorway of her office.
“Something wrong?” Cass stepped farther into the room.
She set the datapad down on the desk and pushed at her hair, which somehow kept falling around her face, even though she’d tied it up earlier today.
“No, nothing more than the usual workload. I just haven’t been sleeping very well lately.” For like the last year and a half. Kai returning had only slightly disturbed the already disrupted sleep patterns she’d fallen into, but the constant emotional ups and downs were taking a toll.
Cass gave her a sympathetic look. “It doesn’t help that you work such long hours. Give yourself a break once in a while.”
“So I can get even further behind than I am most of the time?” She sent Cass a short smile, though there wasn’t any humor behind the expression.
Cass walked around the desk and leaned over to press the power-down button on her datapad, before pulling her up from the chair.
“You’ve been running nonstop since Commander Yang came back, and I haven’t seen you for more than two minutes at a time. We’re going to get some lunch and spend at least an hour away from med-level.”
A decent break and some food sounded great, but… “My patients—”
“Will be cared for by the fine medico staff currently on-shift, and will definitely still be here when you get back.” Cass tugged her toward the office doorway. “Come on. I’ll even call it my treat, if that’ll seal the deal.”
She took a moment to shrug out of her doctor’s coat and leave it on the stand in her office. “You don’t need to pay, you had me at lunch. I’m actually starving. I had half a cold coffee and a granola bar for breakfast.”
Cass grimaced with a disgusted look. “Seriously, Sacha, you need a diet intervention.”
“Remind me never to let you and Kai discuss that idea.” Okay, maybe she should look after herself a little better. But she wasn’t starving, and she did eat…usually at odd hours, sitting at her desk.
They bypassed the med-level cafeteria and headed to commerce level. At this time of day, there was quite a lunch crowd in the food sector. Cass led them toward the Knox Grill, but she hesitated outside the door.
“Do you want to eat somewhere else?” Cass asked, glancing at the other nearby cafés and other types of eateries.
“I’ve eaten here the last two days, but it’s fine, there’s always something on the menu I want to have.” There was no denying the Grill had the best food on the ship, which was why it was hard to get a table at peak meal times. Like now.
“We’ll get takeaway and go eat somewhere else.” Cass raised her voice to be heard over the loud chatter inside the busy restaurant.
They went up to the counter to order, and then stepped back to wait while their food was being prepared. Sacha scanned the crowd, her gaze snagging on Kai sitting at the bar, beer and plate of curly fries in front of him. He was grinning at something, and she shifted a little to see he was sitting next to Colonel McAllister.
Immediately, the tense conversation they’d had last night came back to her, and an unsettled feeling jolted through her. Did he still believe his nightmare to be a memory? Surely he wouldn’t bring t
he possibility up with the colonel.
She glanced at Cass, who was watching a large screen across the room; some kind of news report that had a scrolling line of current headlines running across the bottom.
“Cass, I just saw someone I need to catch up with, I’ll be back in a minute.”
Sacha left her to navigate the crowd and head over to the bar. McAllister spotted her before Kai, sending her a polite nod.
Kai cut a look over his shoulder, and she might have been imagining it, but she could have sworn his gaze cooled when he saw her. Great. She was turning into the bad guy here when all she wanted to do was help him. Couldn’t he see she was just ensuring he didn’t commit career suicide with his unfounded allegations?
“Hi,” she all but chirped. Fabulous, she sounded like an overly cheerful bimbo. “How are you both?”
McAllister murmured a polite response, but her focus was on Kai as he regarded her with something close to suspicion. He glanced at the colonel before standing.
“Cam, would you give us a moment?”
McAllister agreed, then picked up his beer and turned to someone sitting on his other side.
Kai wrapped his hand around her bicep and tugged her into motion, leading her toward a door that led off to the toilets and staff rooms. The door slid closed behind them, muffling the sharp noise of the restaurant to a dull murmur. Kai walked them into a room marked staff only. It seemed to be some kind of office that also doubled as storage.
He let her go and then turned to face her. “What are you doing? Checking up on me?”
She crossed her arms, irritation flaring within her at his abrupt questions.
“No, actually. Cass and I came to get some lunch.”
He scoffed and took a step closer to her. “Since when do you voluntarily leave med-level, or remember to eat for that matter?”
Her aggravation flamed higher. “Clearly I do eat just fine, considering I didn’t waste away after Elliot was gone. And I think I should be the one asking the questions. It seems like more than a coincidence that you’re having lunch with Colonel McAllister the morning after your dream.”
Kai’s expression was pure stubbornness, not giving anything away. “Cam invited me to catch up with him the other day. Are you telling me that reconnecting with my friends won’t help my recovery?”
Damn, he had her with that one. And from the edge of smugness creeping into his features, he knew it, too.
“Don’t be an ass, Kai. Whatever you’re up to, it’s not going to end well. You have to drop this and focus on what’s important.”
“Oh yeah? And is that your professional opinion?” He shifted closer to her again, and this time she took a step back to keep some distance between them. But he just kept coming, and when she bumped into the wall behind her, she had nowhere else to go, especially as his hands came up to brace on either side of her.
“There is one thing that is very important to me.” His voice dropped lower, and she swallowed against the shiver rising through her. “I could show you just how important, if only you’d let me.”
She clenched every muscle in her body, fighting any kind of reaction. He was like a faulty faucet—cold one second and hot the next. His push for a more intimate relationship with her was no different than his obsession with the soldier. Both were ways to avoid confronting what had happened to him. Besides, this little display was a blatant distraction technique, one she would not be fooled by.
Still, knowing that didn’t help lessen the temptation to allow her walls to come down and let him do whatever he wanted with her. Each time she faced the lure of deepening their physical connection, it got harder to resist, her body humming with the need of the physical release he promised. He’d been right in what he’d said the night before. It seemed inevitable that eventually they would be together, but she wanted it to be under the right circumstances—because they cared deeply for each other and wanted to express those emotions, not as a Band-Aid to temporarily ease whatever turmoil was going on beneath the surface.
“I know what you’re doing.” Her voice came out steady enough, with only the slightest hitch to it. She dropped both hands on his shoulders to force him back a little.
“Yeah, I think it’s pretty apparent myself.” Despite her hold on him, he leaned closer. “Always so calm and collected. One of these days, you’re going to lose control. I’m going to make you lose control.”
Oh, god. Just the tenor of his low voice was almost enough to make her break. Her fingers contracted on his shoulders, digging into the muscles beneath his shirt. She gulped in a breath, and he closed the remaining distance between them. But he didn’t kiss her. No, he brushed right by her mouth, his lips landing on the edge of her jaw, just below her ear. A shudder rocked her, and she only just managed to curb the moan wanting to slip free. His mouth moved up, over her lobe, breath spiraling warm against her skin.
“Tell me again, Sacha, why we can’t have this between us?”
She opened her mouth, but no words came out, as if her brain had vacated the premises. Maybe just one kiss wouldn’t hurt. After all, they’d shared a kiss or two already, and it hadn’t really hurt anything…
Her comm vibrated in her pocket with a spell-breaking trill. She flattened herself against the wall, putting distance between them as she yanked the device out of her pocket.
Kai grabbed her wrist before she could check the screen. “Don’t answer it. Not yet.”
But the enthralling moment had been broken, and her senses had returned with an icy sting of self-recrimination. She tugged her wrist from his hold, and he stepped back with a hard exhale, shoving a hand through his hair.
A message from Cass appeared on the screen, telling her their lunch was ready and asking where she’d gotten to. She slipped the comm back in her pocket and looked at Kai, his dark expression edged with a gleam of thwarted frustration.
“I have to go.” She stepped away from the wall, brushing both hands over her clothes.
“One of these days, we’re going to finish one of our conversations properly.” He crossed his arms, spearing her with a resolute look.
She found herself nodding before she’d really thought about it. “Please, don’t mention anything to McAllister about your suspicions until we’ve had a chance to discuss it further.”
“You mean until you’ve convinced me it was all in my head?” His expression cooled. “I’m not a moron, Sacha. I never planned on saying anything to Cam today. I really did just want to catch up with the guy.”
“Good. That’s good.” She nodded again, but then felt a bit silly. For a long moment they stared at each other.
She moved toward the door. “I’ll see you tonight.”
He murmured a good-bye, and she ducked out, breathing easier once she was no longer in the same room with his too-tempting presence.
…
Sacha forced herself not to pause before stepping through the door into her apartment. Kai had been on her mind all afternoon, her thoughts swinging like a pendulum from her worry about whether he’d follow through on his suspicions over the soldier, to the words that had branded themselves into her mind… One of these days, you’re going to lose control. I’m going to make you lose control.
Kai obviously didn’t agree with her position that any deep emotional connection between them would end in disaster and possibly compromise his recovery. And, unfortunately, her own desires burning against a weakening resolve, fostered by the wretched loneliness of the past year, were only making things worse.
Spending hours alone in her apartment with him seemed like a bad idea, especially when her thoughts kept circling back around to the hot, easy temptation of him. But what else was she going to do with herself?
She’d considered finding an empty cot in a quiet corner on med-level and bunking down there for the night, but she didn’t want to leave Kai to his own devices, and needed to be there if he had another nightmare. Plus, if she didn’t come home tonight after the moment betw
een them at the Grill, he’d totally call her for a coward…and he’d be right.
However, her trepidation over coming home turned out to be pointless, as inside she found her apartment cool, dark, and obviously empty. As some tension drained from her shoulders, she went through the usual routine of kicking off her shoes, emptying her pockets, and shrugging out of her jacket.
As the lights came on, she adjusted the environmentals and then headed into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of red wine and contemplate what kind of simple meal she could put together, because eating from the Grill twice in one day and three nights in a row just didn’t seem right. She had just decided on a pasta dish when the door to the apartment slid open, and Kai walked in.
Glancing up, the hello she’d intended to say got lost as she took in the sight of him in his UEF uniform.
If this meant he’d gotten his old position back, she should have been elated for him, instead an acid surge of trepidation swelled within her. Was this it? Had his future been decided and he was about to tell her he’d shortly be leaving the Knox for good?
She took a quick sip of wine to clear her throat. “Looks like you’ve been busy since I saw you at lunch.”
He shrugged and slid the neatly pressed jacket off his shoulders to hang next to hers on the coat stand, then tilted his chin up to tug at his tie and flick open the top fastening of his shirt.
“Emmanuel contacted me not long after you left and I ended up spending the afternoon in the command center. Just been taking care of some formalities.” He walked forward, glancing at her glass of wine as he joined her in the small kitchen. “Got another one of those somewhere?”
She turned away from him to fetch a glass from the cupboard. “So, does this mean…?” The words trailed off, because apparently the apprehensive tightening in her throat made it too hard to voice her thoughts.
“That I’ve been given a posting? No. At least, not that I know of yet. They’re not going to make a quick decision. You know how the UEF love their bureaucratic BS. However, they’ve assured me that I’ll still play an important role, and…” He reached out and took the glass of wine she’d poured, cutting an uncertain glance in her direction.
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