She and Allan

by H. Rider Haggard

  So I sat a long while, till presently I was aware of a new presence, apresence dusky and splendid and arrayed in rich barbaric robes. Straightshe came towards me, like a thrown spear, and I knew her for acertain royal and savage woman who on earth was named Mameena, or"Wind-that-wailed." Moreover she divined me, though see me she couldnot.

  "Art there, Watcher-in-the-Night, watching in the light?" she said orthought, I know not which, but the words came to me in the Zulu tongue.

  "Aye," she went on, "I know that thou art there; from ten thousandleagues away I felt thy presence and broke from my own place to welcomethee, though I must pay for it with burning chains and bondage. How didthose welcome thee whom thou camest out to seek? Did they clasp thee intheir arms and press their kisses on thy brow? Or did they shrink awayfrom thee because the smell of earth was on thy hands and lips?"

  I seemed to answer that they did not appear to know that I was there.

  "Aye, they did not know because their love is not enough, because theyhave grown too fine for love. But I, the sinner, I knew well, and heream I ready to suffer all for thee and to give thee place within thisstormy heart of mine. Forget them, then, and come to rule with me whostill am queen in my own house that thou shalt share. There we will liveroyally and when our hour comes, at least we shall have had our day."

  Now before I could reply, some power seemed to seize this splendidcreature and whirl her thence so that she departed, flashing these wordsfrom her mind to mine,

  "For a little while farewell, but remember always that Mameena, theWailing Wind, being still as a sinful woman in a woman's love and ofthe earth, earthy, found thee, whom all the rest forgot. OWatcher-in-the-Night, watch in the night for me, for there thou shaltfind me, the Child of Storm, again, and yet again."

  She was gone and once more I sat in utter solitude upon that ruby stone,staring at the jewelled flowers and the glorious flaming trees and thelambent waters of the brook. What was the meaning of it all, I wondered,and why was I deserted by everyone save a single savage woman, and whyhad she a power to find me which was denied to all the rest? Well,she had given me an answer, because she was "as a sinful woman witha woman's love and of the earth, earthy," while with the rest it wasotherwise. Oh! this was clear, that in the heavens man has no friendamong the heavenly, save perhaps the greatest Friend of all Whounderstands both flesh and spirit.

  Thus I mused in this burning world which was still so beautiful, thisalien world into which I had thrust myself unwanted and unsought.And while I mused this happened. The fiery waters of the stream weredisturbed by something and looking up I saw the cause.

  A dog had plunged into them and was swimming towards me. At a glanceI knew that dog on which my eyes had not fallen for decades. It was amongrel, half spaniel and half bull-terrier, which for years had beenthe dear friend of my youth and died at last on the horns of a woundedwildebeeste that attacked me when I had fallen from my horse uponthe veld. Boldly it tackled the maddened buck, thus giving me time toscramble to my rifle and shoot it, but not before the poor hound hadyielded its life for mine, since presently it died disembowelled, butlicking my hand and forgetful of its agonies. This dog, Smut by name, itwas that swam or seemed to swim the brook of fire. It scrambled to thehither shore, it nosed the earth and ran to the ruby stone and staredabout it whining and sniffing.

  At last it seemed to see or feel me, for it stood upon its hind legsand licked my face, yelping with mad joy, as I could see though Iheard nothing. Now I wept in earnest and bent down to hug and kiss thefaithful beast, but this I could not do, since like myself it was onlyshadow.

  Then suddenly all dissolved in a cataract of many-coloured flames and Ifell down into an infinite gulf of blackness.

  Surely Ayesha was talking to me! What did she say? What did she say? Icould not catch her words, but I caught her laughter and knew that afterher fashion she was making a mock of me. My eyelids were dragged downas though with heavy sleep; it was difficult to lift them. At last theywere open and I saw Ayesha seated on her couch before me and--this Inoted at once--with her lovely face unveiled. I looked about me, seekingUmslopogaas and Hans. But they were gone as I guessed they must be,since otherwise Ayesha would not have been unveiled. We were quitealone. She was addressing me and in a new fashion, since now shehad abandoned the formal "you" and was using the more impressive andintimate "thou," much as is the manner of the French.

  "Thou hast made thy journey, Allan," she said, "and what thou hastseen there thou shalt tell me presently. Yet from thy mien I gatherthis--that thou art glad to look upon flesh and blood again and, afterthe company of spirits, to find that of mortal woman. Come then and sitbeside me and tell thy tale."

  "Where are the others?" I asked as I rose slowly to obey, for my headswam and my feet seemed feeble.

  "Gone, Allan, who as I think have had enough of ghosts, which is perhapsthy case also. Come, drink this and be a man once more. Drink it to mewhose skill and power have brought thee safe from lands that human feetwere never meant to tread," and taking a strange-shaped cup from a stoolthat stood beside her, she offered it to me.

  I drank to the last drop, neither knowing nor caring whether it werewine or poison, since my heart seemed desperate at its failure and myspirit crushed beneath the weight of its great betrayal. I suppose itwas the former, for the contents of that cup ran through my veins likefire and gave me back my courage and the joy of life.

  I stepped to the dais and sat me down upon the couch, leaning againstits rounded end so that I was almost face to face with Ayesha who hadturned towards me, and thence could study her unveiled loveliness. For awhile she said nothing, only eyed me up and down and smiled and smiled,as though she were waiting for that wine to do its work with me.

  "Now that thou art a man again, Allan, tell me what thou didst see whenthou wast more--or less--than man."

  So I told her all, for some power within her seemed to draw the truthout of me. Nor did the tale appear to cause her much surprise.

  "There is truth in thy dream," she said when I had finished; "a lessonalso."

  "Then it was all a dream?" I interrupted.

  "Is not everything a dream, even life itself, Allan? If so, what canthis be that thou hast seen, but a dream within a dream, and itselfcontaining other dreams, as in the old days the ball fashioned by theeastern workers of ivory would oft be found to contain another ball, andthis yet another and another and another, till at the inmost might befound a bead of gold, or perchance a jewel, which was the prize of himwho could draw out ball from ball and leave them all unbroken. Thatsearch was difficult and rarely was the jewel come by, if at all, sothat some said there was none, save in the maker's mind. Yes, I haveseen a man go crazed with seeking and die with the mystery unsolved. Howmuch harder, then, is it to come at the diamond of Truth which lies atthe core of all our nest of dreams and without which to rest upon theycould not be fashioned to seem realities?"

  "But was it really a dream, and if so, what were the truth and thelesson?" I asked, determined not to allow her to bemuse or escape mewith her metaphysical talk and illustrations.

  "The first question has been answered, Allan, as well as I can answer,who am not the architect of this great globe of dreams, and as yetcannot clearly see the ineffable gem within, whose prisoned raysilluminate their substance, though so dimly that only those with theinsight of a god can catch their glamour in the night of thought, sinceto most they are dark as glow-flies in the glare of noon."

  "Then what are the truth and the lesson?" I persisted, perceiving thatit was hopeless to extract from her an opinion as to the real nature ofmy experiences and that I must content myself with her deductions fromthem.

  "Thou tellest me, Allan, that in thy dream or vision thou didst seem toappear before thyself seated on a throne and in that self to find thyjudge. That is the Truth whereof I spoke, though how it found its waythrough the black and ignorant shell of one whose wit is so small,is more than I can guess, since I believed that it was revealed to mealone."<
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  (Now I, Allan, thought to myself that I began to see the origin of allthese fantasies and that for once Ayesha had made a slip. If she had atheory and I developed that same theory in a hypnotic condition, it wasnot difficult to guess its fount. However, I kept my mouth shut, andluckily for once she did not seem to read my mind, perhaps because shewas too much occupied in spinning her smooth web of entangling words.)

  "All men worship their own god," she went on, "and yet seem not to knowthat this god dwells within them and that of him they are a part. Therehe dwells and there they mould him to their own fashion, as the pottermoulds his clay, though whatever the shape he seems to take beneaththeir fingers, still he remains the god infinite and unalterable. Stillhe is the Seeker and the Sought, the Prayer and its Fulfilment, the Loveand the Hate, the Virtue and the Vice, since all these qualities thealchemy of his spirit turns into an ultimate and eternal Good. For thegod is in all things and all things are in the god, whom men clothe withsuch diverse garments and whose countenance they hide beneath so manymasks.

  "In the tree flows the sap, yet what knows the great tree it nurtures ofthe sap? In the world's womb burns the fire that gives life, yet what ofthe fire knows the glorious earth it conceived and will destroy; in theheavens the great globes swing through space and rest not, yet what knowthey of the Strength that sent them spinning and in a time to come willstay their mighty motions, or turn them to another course? Therefore ofeverything this all-present god is judge, or rather, not one but manyjudges, since of each living creature he makes its own magistrate todeal out justice according to that creature's law which in the beginningthe god established for it and decreed. Thus in the breast of everyonethere is a rule and by that rule, at work through a countless chain oflives, in the end he shall be lifted up to Heaven, or bound about andcast down to Hell and death."

  "You mean a conscience," I suggested rather feebly, for her thoughts andimages overpowered me.

  "Aye, a conscience, if thou wilt, and canst only understand that term,though it fits my theme but ill. This is my meaning, that consciences,as thou namest them, are many. I have one; thou, Allan, hast another;that black Axe-bearer has a third; the little yellow man a fourth, andso on through the tale of living things. For even a dog such as thousawest has a conscience and--like thyself or I--must in the end be itsown judge, because of the spark that comes to it from above, the samespark which in me burns as a great fire, and in thee as a smoulderingember of green wood."

  "When _you_ sit in judgment on yourself in a day to come, Ayesha,"I could not help interpolating, "I trust that you will remember thathumility did not shine among your virtues."

  She smiled in her vivid way--only twice or thrice did I see her smilethus and then it was like a flash of summer lightning illumining aclouded sky, since for the most part her face was grave and even sombre.

  "Well answered," she said. "Goad the patient ox enough and even it willgrow fierce and paw the ground.

  "Humility! What have I to do with it, O Allan? Let humility be the partof the humble-souled and lowly, but for those who reign as I do, andthey are few indeed, let there be pride and the glory they have earned.Now I have told thee of the Truth thou sawest in thy vision and wouldstthou hear the Lesson?"

  "Yes," I answered, "since I may as well be done with it at once, anddoubtless it will be good for me."

  "The Lesson, Allan, is one which thou preachest--humility. Vain manand foolish as thou art, thou didst desire to travel the Underworld insearch of certain ones who once were all in all to thee--nay, not all inall since of them there were two or more--but at least much. Thus thouwouldst do because, as thou saidest, thou didst seek to know whetherthey still lived on beyond the gates of Blackness. Yes, thou saidestthis, but what thou didst hope to learn in truth was whether they livedon in _thee_ and for _thee_ only. For thou, thou in thy vanity, didstpicture these departed souls as doing naught in that Heaven they hadwon, save think of thee still burrowing on the earth, and, at timeslightening thy labours with kisses from other lips than theirs."

  "Never!" I exclaimed indignantly. "Never! it is not true."

  "Then I pray pardon, Allan, who only judged of thee by others that wereas men are made, and being such, not to be blamed if perchance from timeto time, they turned to look on women, who alas! were as they are made.So at least it was when I knew the world, but mayhap since then itsrichest wine has turned to water, whereby I hope it has been bettered.At the least this was thy thought, that those women who had been thinefor an hour, through all eternity could dream of naught else save thyperfections, and hope for naught else than to see thee at their sidesthrough that eternity, or such part of thee as thou couldst spare toeach of them. For thou didst forget that where they have gone theremay be others even more peerless than thou art and more fit to hold awoman's love, which as we know on earth was ever changeful, and perhapsmay so remain where it is certain that new lights must shine and newdesires beckon. Dost understand me, Allan?"

  "I think so," I answered with a groan. "I understand you to mean thatworldly impressions soon wear out and that people who have departed toother spheres may there form new ties and forget the old."

  "Yes, Allan, as do those who remain upon this earth, whence these othershave departed. Do men and women still re-marry in the world, Allan, asin my day they were wont to do?"

  "Of course--it is allowed."

  "As many other things, or perchance this same thing, may be allowedelsewhere, for when there are so many habitations from which to choose,why should we always dwell in one of them, however strait the house orpoor the prospect?"

  Now understanding that I was symbolised by the "strait house" and the"poor prospect" I should have grown angry, had not a certain sense ofhumour come to my rescue, who remembered that after all Ayesha's satirewas profoundly true. Why, beyond the earth, should anyone desireto remain unalterably tied to and inextricably wrapped up in such apersonality as my own, especially if others of superior texture aboundedabout them? Now that I came to think of it, the thing was absurd andnot to be the least expected in the midst of a thousand new and vividinterests. I had met with one more disillusionment, that was all.

  "Dost understand, Allan," went on Ayesha, who evidently was determinedthat I should drink this cup to the last drop, "that these dwellers inthe sun, or the far planet where thou hast been according to thy tale,saw thee not and knew naught of thee? It may chance therefore that atthis time thou wast not in their minds which at others dream of theecontinually. Or it may chance that they never dream of thee at all,having quite forgotten thee, as the weaned cub forgets its mother."

  "At least there was one who seemed to remember," I exclaimed, for herpoisoned mocking stung the words out of me, "one woman and--a dog."

  "Aye, the savage, who being Nature's child, a sinner that departed henceby her own act" (how Ayesha knew this I cannot say, I never told her),"has not yet put on perfection and therefore still remembers him whosekiss was last upon her lips. But surely, Allan, it is not thy desireto pass from the gentle, ordered claspings of those white souls for thetumultuous arms of such a one as this. Still, let that be, for who knowswhat men will or will not do in jealousy and disappointed love? And thedog, it remembered also and even sought thee out, since dogs are morefaithful and single-hearted than is mankind. There at least thou hastthy lesson, namely to grow more humble and never to think again thatthou holdest all a woman's soul for aye, because once she was kind tothee for a little while on earth."

  "Yes," I answered, jumping up in a rage, "as you say, I have my lesson,and more of it than I want. So by your leave, I will now bid youfarewell, hoping that when it comes to be _your_ turn to learn thislesson, or a worse, Ayesha, as I am sure it will one day, for somethingtells me so, you may enjoy it more than I have done."