Waffles at the Wake

by Addison Moore

  “Come on,” I say as I navigate us over to where Noah and Everett stand and Flo beats us there, that malevolent look on her face only growing sharper by the second.

  “Well?” her voice goes off like a gong as she waits in anticipation herself.

  Noah and Everett look my way with stern expressions.

  “Everett, I know how you feel,” I wince as I say it. “And Noah, are you sure this could save lives? If you say it will, then we’ll do it. I leave this in your hands, and I trust you. Are we doing this? Are we breaking into the morgue to steal Flo’s body?”

  He offers a mournful smile that says it all.

  “Then I guess we’re doing it,” I hear myself say as I look back at Flo. “Just don’t touch Everett’s career—or the bakery.” I glare right at the pesky poltergeist. “And give Noah every last bit of information he needs.” I look to Everett and Noah. “For that alone, it’s worth it. If we can save one life, we’ve done the right thing.”

  Noah nods, but Everett simply purses his lips, his eyes hardening over mine like stone.

  Something tells me we’re in for a very long night indeed.

  Chapter 8

  “Lottie, please go home,” Noah says as he presses those evergreen eyes of his to mine. “There’s no way I’m letting you get tangled up in any of this.”

  “No,” I hiss without meaning to as Noah, Everett, Carlotta, and I stand in the parking lot of Gia’s House with our feet firmly embedded in the snow. It’s pitch-dark save for the streetlamp as shadows haunt us from every angle. “I’m going to that morgue, and there’s not a thing either of you can do to stop me.”

  Everett closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Both of you need to go home. Carlotta, I’ll give you a thousand dollars to babysit them.”

  “Sold to the highest bidder.” Carlotta slaps her hands together. “Come on, Foxy. I’ll lock the two of you kids up in your very own bedroom. It’ll be a dream come true for both of us. You can play seven minutes in heaven with Lot, while Flo and I pet the pooch and clean your fridge out for you.” She pats her belly, letting us know exactly how she was planning to clean out the fridge. And by pooch, she means Noah’s golden retriever, Toby. He’s nothing but a gentle giant who lets my cats use him as a furry redheaded pillow whenever he comes over.

  Flo groans, “There’s no way you’re keeping me out of this one. I’m going with you, Sexy.”

  Everett gives my hand a squeeze. “All right, Angel Face, it’s you and me.” His lips twitch as he looks my way. “Don’t worry, Lemon. I’ve got this.” His words come out slow, and he studies my face long after he says them. There’s a question in his eyes as if maybe he doesn’t recognize me, or perhaps he’s seeing who I really am for the very first time, how dangerous I could be to someone like him. Sadly, he would be right.

  Noah gives Everett a hard shove in the chest before bringing him in close. “You listen to me, you self-righteous bastard. You almost lost your life a few months back because of me, and you were lucky all you came away with was a broken arm. You don’t have much of a horse in this race. That mob war that’s about to break out could cost me my friends down at the force. It could cost me my life, the safety of that unborn child. You go home, Everett.” He pushes him away with force. “Take care of your wife.” He says wife as if it were a nefarious four-letter word as he heads for his truck, but Everett yanks him back by the shoulder.

  “You don’t get to tell me what to do or how to do it, or even with whom.”

  “Ooh.” Carlotta scoots in close and warms herself with her hands. “This is getting good. Try not to ruin his face, Foxy. We don’t want to get too carried away here.”

  “Fine.” Noah takes a breath and steam blows from his nostrils. “Have it your way, Everett. But just know this is my deal. You’re following me.”

  “I’m not following anybody,” Everett growls. “In fact, I suggest we take these cars to Honey Hollow. Lemon, we’ll have to park down the street. We can’t let Evie know we’re back. Noah, you put your truck in the driveway. We’ll take my car and toss the body in the trunk, then we’ll pull into your garage and take her through to the backyard and plant her in your boarder garden. We’ll put the snow back over it and the world will be none the wiser.”

  Noah squints over at him. “Why do I get the feeling you’ve thought this through long before tonight?”

  “I needed a plan in advance in the event you pushed my very last nerve. And, believe me, you’ve flirted with death a time or two.”

  “That’s Sexy for you.” Carlotta gives a wistful shake of the head. “You don’t land on the right side of the bench without having the smarts to put you there. I bet you can make just about anyone disappear without a trace.” She sucks in a quick breath. “You’re not looking to get rid of me, are you?”

  Everett’s chest pumps. “Not unless you drag Evie into this.”

  Carlotta lifts her right hand as if she were about to take an oath. “I hereby solemnly swear to keep my yap trap shut in and around our little Evie Stevie. Besides, that kid is staring down the barrel of the Winter Formal. She’s got boys to kiss and dirty dancing to tend to. We’ll save the lessons on corpse decomposition for when she gets to college.”

  Everett growls.

  “All right, all right,” I say, holding out my hands. “Let’s get a move on. This night isn’t getting any younger. But know this—I’m coming with the two of you no matter who does what. I got you into this mess, and I’m going to ride this crazy train until the bitter end.”

  Everett sighs. “Not for a minute did I think otherwise. But let’s be clear about one thing.” He glares over at Noah. “He put us on this runaway train, Lemon, not you.”

  Noah pulls out his keys and heads for his truck. “I need to swing by the office. It won’t take but five minutes.”

  He takes off, and we drive back to Honey Hollow and park down the street. Sure enough, there are about a dozen cars clustered around the driveway of my new rental. It looks as if Noah was right. Evie is having quite the study session with a couple dozen of her closest friends.

  Carlotta and I slip into Everett’s car while we wait for Noah. It takes him about fifteen minutes before he pulls up and parks in his driveway before joining us.

  Everett takes off, and within minutes we’re parked down the street from the mortuary in Leeds.

  “Now what?” Carlotta pokes her head between the front seats. “Should I steal a grocery cart from across the street so we can wheel her to the trunk?”

  Flo squeezes her head next to Carlotta’s, and that hot pink aura of hers illuminates the entire car.

  “I don’t care how you get me back here. Just don’t do anything that could harm me. And remember to think about my hair.”

  My lips press tightly, and I don’t dare translate any of that to Noah or Everett, because for one, I’m pretty sure nothing we’re about to do will harm her any more than the Grim Reaper already has.

  “No to the cart,” Everett says, reaching into the center console of his car and pulling on a pair of dark leather gloves.

  “I’m going in,” Noah says. I’ve been in there a million times. Not only do I know how to get in and out in record time, but I know how to disable the alarm without getting caught.”

  Everett’s brows bounce. “You’re going to need me in the event there’s a hiccup.” He glances back at Flo as if he could see her. “And on a night like tonight, there will most certainly be a hiccup.”

  “Wait!” Carlotta plucks out a hairpin from the inside of her shirt. “You’re gonna need this to get in.”

  “No, we won’t.” Noah reaches into his pocket. “I’ve got this.” He flashes a key our way, and suddenly it becomes clear why Noah needed to make that pit stop to his office.

  The two of them take off and Flo scoffs my way. “What about you, Lottie? Are you just going to let a couple of men tell you to stay put while they have all the fun? It sounds to me like those boys have made it clear where your place is�
�at home, barefoot and pregnant.”

  My toes give a little wiggle. Okay, so I may have taken off my boots, but only because my feet are expanding like a couple of hot sausages these days.

  “Fine.” I quickly stab my feet back into those piping hot boots, and before I know it, both Flo and I are trotting up the snowy street.

  “This way,” she calls out from the side of the building, and I hustle my way over as a light dusting of snow begins to fall.

  The mortuary is a brown brick building with a small brass sign that bears its name. It’s not too showy, nor would it want to be, considering the horror of what this building contains—not to mention the grief and the downright tragedy engulfing it on a daily basis.

  “Lemon?” Everett whispers my name out sharp, just as he’s about to step into the back door and I scurry on over, making my way inside before him.

  “Lottie?” Noah backtracks as a stench of cleaning solution fills my nostrils. It’s dimly lit, but there’s a blue glow around the ceiling that gives off just enough light to ensure we don’t bump into anything. “What the hell are you thinking?”

  “Pfft.” Flo blows past him, glowing like a pink supernova. “Follow me, Lottie. We’ll shut those boys out later.”

  “I think I’m about to lead the way.” I stride alongside of Flo as she takes us straight to a large room filled with metal bathtubs and surgical tools lying out on small rolling carts. She makes a beeline for a wall full of drawers and pulls open number twenty-three.

  “Hey? Twenty-three,” I say. “That happens to be my juror number.”

  She winks my way. “I knew I liked you, Lottie Lemon.”

  Noah steps up and shines a light down, exposing a large white body bag before unzipping it to reveal Florenza Canelli lying there with her eyes closed, so peaceful, so very beautiful, it truly does look as if she’s sleeping.

  A horrific howling sound rips from Flo, and I press my hands over my ears to keep my skull from imploding.

  “I’m sorry, Flo,” I say as she bows her face in her hands a moment and her body bucks as she weeps. “But on the bright side, you’ve found out the hard way there’s life after death.”

  Flo sniffs hard. “It’s not that. They flattened my hair.”

  A hard groan comes from me because I have more than an inkling that we’re moving heaven, earth, and a dead body just so that Florenza Canelli can be sent into eternity having a good hair day.

  “That’s her,” Everett says as he reaches over and zips her up. “All right, sweetheart.” Everett gives the body bag a hard yank in his direction. “You’re coming with me.” He hoists her over his shoulder and we turn to leave just as a flash of light shines in our eyes and the three of us freeze solid.

  “Drop the body and take off all your clothes,” a rather hoarse voice commands.

  I lean forward and squint at those all too familiar black boots—a pair of my old snow boots to be exact.

  “Carlotta? Is that you?” I stride forward and bat the flashlight out of her hand.

  “What’d you go and do that for, Lot?” she says, putting her weapon of ocular destruction away. “We could have put on one heck of a show for Flo and her friends.”

  “There’s not a friendly soul in this room, Carlotta,” I say, navigating her to the door. “And do you know where else they’re not so friendly? Prison. No more shining a spotlight on any of us. Don’t make another goofy move or we’re all going to suffer.”

  “Nobody’s going to suffer, Lot. And don’t you worry. I’ll get those men dancing with their shirts off yet.”

  We hurry back into the icy air, Noah locks up, and soon we’re back at Everett’s car.

  The whites of Everett’s eyes flash next to me. “Carlotta, open the trunk.”

  “How am I supposed to open the trunk, Sexy?”

  “Carlotta,” Everett rumbles. “Tell me you took the keys when you left the car.”

  Carlotta gives an audible gulp.

  Flo groans, “Oh, for Pete’s sake.” She dives into the car and tries her hardest to extract the key, but alas it holds strong to the laws of physics. It seems Flo keeps learning this lesson the hard way.

  “It’s no use,” I wail. “I’ve ruined all our lives for the sake of matching a dress to a casket.”

  “You don’t mix silver and gold,” Flo roars back.

  Noah reaches his hand down Carlotta’s blouse before sticking a hairpin into the keyhole of the trunk and soon it opens up with a cool yawn.

  “See that, Lot?” Carlotta chuckles. “If you don’t give Foxy what he wants, he’s going to find it somewhere else. He just stole second base.”

  “And you’re stealing my sanity,” I say as the entire lot of us hops back into the car and Everett speeds us across town and rolls this glorified hearse right into Noah’s garage.

  Noah grabs a couple of shovels while Everett picks up Flo’s remains and we head around back with Flo’s glowing countenance leading the way—at least for Carlotta and me.

  “Lottie, go in the house,” Noah says, unlocking the back door. “You too, Carlotta.”

  “No way,” I tell him, wrapping my coat over me a little bit tighter. “I’m in this with both of you.”

  Carlotta moans, “If she’s not leaving, I’m not leaving. Now get digging, boys. It’s just north of midnight.”

  Everett lands the body bag over the snow and takes off his jacket and his shirt.

  “Easy, Judge Baxter.” Flo shines her otherworldly light over the body bag as if she were holding a candlelight vigil for herself—makes sense when you think about it.

  “What are you doing?” Noah growls the words out at him. “This isn’t the time to entertain Carlotta.”

  “Entertain Carlotta?’ Everett shoots him a look as if he might be the next body in our midst. “Unlike you, I’m not looking to score with Sawyer.”

  A dark chuckle strums from Carlotta. “Hear that, Lot? Sexy called me Sawyer.”

  Flo leans in. “It’s just like high school. Hey, if we were in high school, I’d probably steal both of them from you, Lottie.”

  I give a quick blink. “Good to know we’re all putting our lives on the line for a boyfriend stealer.”

  Carlotta holds up a finger. “A dead boyfriend stealer.”

  Flo ticks her head to the side. “A dead boyfriend stealer who once had good hair.”

  Noah stops his digging a moment to glower over at Everett. “Are you done with the striptease, sweetheart? Or are you going to show us your panties, too?”

  Both Flo and Carlotta start on some low level groveling in hopes to see those panties.

  “I was burning up.” Everett shoots daggers at Noah. “It turns out, committing a felony makes me more than a little hot under the collar.” He clenches his fist, letting us know he’s not above a brawl right about now.

  Noah and Everett get straight to digging, and before we know it, snow and fresh dirt alike are flying as they make a nice size dent in the ground just a few feet from Noah’s back porch.

  Carlotta smacks me on the arm. “Take note, Lot. A good felony gets him hot and bothered.”

  Flo nods. “It’s important to know what your man needs to get his engine revved.”

  “Believe me”—my chest bucks with a silent laugh—“I don’t need to commit a felony to get that man’s engine where it needs to be.”

  “All right,” Noah grunts as he rips off his jacket and shirt as well. “We get it, Lot.” He growls over at Everett, “And for your information, this is not nearly that serious.”

  “The hell it’s not,” Everett riots back. “The unauthorized removal of human remains in this state is a felony offense that carries a penalty of ten thousand dollars and a prison sentence of fifteen years minimum. Would you like to know what they do to cops in the big house, sweetheart? Trust me, you’ll have plenty of people who will be interested in your panties, Mr. Dimples.”

  Noah’s cheeks flicker. “I’m sure a man who wears a dress for a living—with a fac
e like yours is pretty popular in gym class, too. I wouldn’t be so smug, Judge Baxter.”

  Carlotta and Flo gasp and chuckle. I’d join them, but I know better.

  Everett shakes his head as he shovels at lightning speeds and the hole grows deeper by the moment.

  “I’d be a dead judge in there, Noah. And you’d be a dead cop. Evie and that baby would be fatherless. Lemon would be left to pick up the pieces. So I suggest you keep your nose to the grindstone and stop busting my cookies just because I’ve got bigger biceps.”

  “Bigger biceps, my ass.” Noah spikes his shovel into the ground and a loud ping emits as his shovel stops cold. “Hit a rock.” Noah pulls his shovel out, only to reveal the head is missing. “Great.” He reaches down and plucks it out. “Looks like it’s all you, Mr. Sexy.”

  The hint of a smile flickers on Everett’s lips. “It’s always been all me from the beginning.” His eyes hook to mine as he nods, and I know that’s an homage to our relationship.

  Everett keeps digging while Noah hoists the body bag over his shoulder and heads back to ground zero.

  “Let’s see those biceps dance,” Noah teases with a vengeance. “Speed it up, Princess. I’ve got a bedtime I’d like to adhere to.”

  Everett’s eyes glance up at Noah. “Call me Princess one more time. I’ve got a shovel to clobber you over the head with and an open grave to cover up the crime. Try me.”

  “Stop your bickering,” I shout as I give a panicked look around at the shadowed evergreens. “Just keep digging.” I can’t catch my breath. I can’t hold onto my sanity another moment longer.

  Everett wipes the sweat from his brow, his shirtless body gleaming under a midnight moon. “If anyone finds out what we’ve done, we’re going to lose everything.”

  Noah lets the body fall from his shoulder, right into the pit. “Give me the damn shovel and I’ll finish the job myself.”

  “I’ll finish the job.” Everett takes a moment to glower at Noah before flicking his gaze my way. “The things I do for you, Lemon.”