Insecure

by Michael Shevlin

  ‘That’s the least of my worries,’ I said, ‘I’ll just get a builder in from the Yellow Pages or something…’ Rich laughed.

  ‘That’s a good plan:’hello? Acme builders? I would like a quote on repairing a bullet hole in my wall? No, it’s not a hollow point. Yes, Tuesday’ll be fine…’. Think again Dan.’

  ‘You must know someone?,’ I asked Rich.

  ‘I’m not Bugsy Malone, having shootouts every weekend.’ I sighed. ‘I don’t know anyone who’ll repair this and not say something…’ Rich poked his finger into the hole in the door and then bent down to try and look through it. “You’d think it’d be straight, but it’s ricocheted of the door and…’ he walked round the door and looked in Pat’s living room, ‘…and changed it’s course.’

  ‘I know who’ll do it,’ I said, ‘I’ll ask Mick, he’s a mate, he’ll do it, I know he will.’ I wasn’t one hundred percent sure of this, but he was a builder and we’d know him ages.

  Rich shrugged, ‘well I haven’t got any other bright ideas…give him a call.’

  ‘What, now?’

  ‘Well, yeah…what’re you waiting for? For the bullet ridden look to make Elle Decoration?’

  ‘Okay, no need to be sarky…I’ll give him a ring then.’ I got up, dug my mobile out of my pocket and made to go upstairs.

  ‘Where’re you going?’ asked Rich.

  ‘To phone Mick.’ He grabbed my arm and forced me to sit back down.

  ‘In front of us, we’re in this together now, no secrets,’ said Rich.

  ‘It’s a builder, it’s not confession…I just get a bit funny when other people are in the room and I make a phone call…makes me feel self conscious.’

  ‘You gonna be like this with a ski mask on and a sawn off in your hand? Worried about how you’ll look? You’re gonna have to have more front from now on.’

  I quick dialed Mick’s number, it rang a few times and just as I was going to give up, he answered.

  ‘Hello!’ Mick’s telephone manner definitely left a lot to be desired. ‘Is that Mr Collins?’

  ‘It is, how are you Mick?’

  ‘I’m grand…and yerself?’

  ‘Could be better, Mick.’

  ‘Is that right?’ said Mick.

  ‘Listen, Mick, I was wondering if you could do another bit of work for me?’

  ‘Is that right?’

  ‘Yeah…I’ve kinda had an accident – well, it wasn’t me exactly…but I’m sort of responsible…and, well…’

  ‘Is this at Conway Gardens?’ That was where my house was.

  ‘No, no, not at all – it’s at Pat’s – the guy who’s house I’m staying at.’

  ‘Is that right?’ said Mick.

  ‘Yeah, well I kinda had a bit of an accident – well, not me, as I said – and I was wondering if you could take a look at it?’

  ‘Today?’

  ‘No! Not at all…I was thinking tomorrow? Or Tuesday?’

  ‘We’re very busy at the moment, what with doing the damp course, and I’ve got another job on the go in a couple of weeks…’

  ‘Could you just have a look? Just to tell me what I need, then I can do it.’ I pleaded.

  ‘Okay, Mr Collins, I’ll come by tomorrow morning…about seven.’

  ‘Mick, you’re a lifesaver –‘ Rich grabbed the phone from my hand.

  ‘Mick, mate! How you doin’?’ Rich laughed, then laughed again.

  ‘Yeah…oh, you know, what could I do?…yeah, really well…why don’t you come round?…don’t be daft…nah, we’d love you to come over…how are the nippers?…yeah, she’s a real handful…’ Rich laughed again, really heartily. ‘..yeah…what Dan was trying to say was this bit of work he needs you to do is my fault…yeah, he’s a good brother now and again…yeah…I know that Mick, but it’s kind of…sensitive…and we need someone discreet and someone we can trust…yeah…’ Rich gave me a wink and nodded a few times, with the odd uh-huh thrown in. ‘I’ll pay you double, Mick…don’t be like that, I know that you’re busy…that’s really good of you…yeah…Dan’ll give you my number…yeah…great….I’ll see you soon then Mick…okay…bye.’

  ‘What was the point of that?’ I asked Rich.

  ‘I wanted to let him know what he was getting himself into…’

  ‘But you didn’t say anything!’

  ‘I asked him to be discreet…and that we could trust him…just making sure that he know’s the score…but I can’t, obviously, say that the damage was from a gunshot.’

  ‘Err…why not?’ Steve asked.

  ‘The Police scan mobile phone conversations for suspicious words like Gun and…Semtex and…I dunno, heroin and crack…’ said Rich, lighting another cigarette.

  ‘That is such bollocks…’ I said.

  ‘I’ve read something about that somewhere…’ cut in Steve.

  ‘But crack? Every Irish man in the uk would be arrested by now…’ I said.

  ‘It happened to a mate of mine, got sent down after the police done him for dealing Charlie,’ said Rich, ‘he was on the phone to someone, sorting out a score, and the moment he completed it – bam! Bunch of rozzers burst into his place and nick ‘im.’

  ‘Because he was dealing drugs…’ said Steve.

  ‘He used pay as you go mobiles, different one every week, almost impossible to trace…but they scan the airwaves…looking for clues,’ said Rich.

  ‘That’s such bollocks! The police don’t have time to look for burglars and if your car gets nicked you are pretty unlikely to get it back because of lack of resources…you phone the old Bill because some bloke is standing naked in your living room brandishing a knife and they come round two hours later- ‘

  ‘This has happened to you then?’ asked Rich. I gave him a scowl.

  ‘What I’m saying is: when do they have the time or the personnel to do this? When they don’t have the time or resources to do the regular stuff?’ I said.

  ‘They use computers don’t they? Voice recognition and all that,’ replied Rich.

  ‘Have you ever tried booking cinema tickets with voice recognition? ‘

  ‘Okay, fair point…but I think from now on we should be a bit more professional about this…we should get pay as you go mobiles and use them for a week at a time,’ said Rich.

  ‘Isn’t that a bit melodramatic?’ I asked. We weren’t going to go through with this, so there was no point in buying Woolworth's entire stock of mobiles.

  ‘I think we should start as we mean to go on,’ said Rich, ‘it’s all about being prepared and one step ahead, thinking things through, but keeping it simple…’ Rich picked up his lighter, patted his inside pocket and got up. ‘On that note…I’ve got shitloads to do at the club and I need to think about this…this whole situation,’ Rich ran his hand through his hair and looked at Steve then me, ‘this is fucked up.’

  ‘Rich, we’ve got to stop this,’ I said, Steve nodded vigorously. Rich shrugged.

  ‘I don’t think we can,’ he turned to leave and said as he walked down the hallway, jangling his keys,’ but I’ll give it some thought…I’ll pop round later tonight,’ he put his hand up in the air, ‘I’ll see you around Steve,’

  ‘Okay…’ said Steve as the front door slammed shut. We sat in silence for a bit, not really knowing what to say.

  ‘You heard what he said, he knows Barney better than I do…and it looks pretty…this is a mess.’

  ‘Isn’t there some way that you could…stage a robbery and make it all go wrong…and…I dunno, it’s just an idea…’said Steve.

  ‘Carry on.’

  ‘Well, I know loads of actors and stage dressers and…special effects people, we could make the whole thing look like a robbery and then…get arrested and…well, if Barney tried to visit you in prison there’d be a problem, but…it’s a shit idea really.’ He looked down at his hands. Hands that were still shaking.

  ‘No, maybe it just needs to be thought about a bit…’ I thought that there would be a lightening strok
e of genius, an idea so marvellously simple that it could spirit the situation away. But this seemed fraught with problems, both obviously and possibly a myriad of other, unforeseen, problems that would only occur to us as we looked down a barrel of a gun being held by Barney Gibbons.

  ‘You and Rich could leave the country…you have no ties – no family. it would mean starting a new life somewhere, but it’s better than a new life in Wandsworth Prison…’

  ‘That’s better, I don’t think Rich’ll be keen, but it’s better than going to prison…or making the bloody Sting in an East End lock-up somewhere…we could stay here, but assume new identities.’ I looked at Steve for approval.

  ‘How do you do that?’ he asked.

  ‘Sure Rich’ll know…guess you buy them. That’s what asylum seekers and refugees do who can’t get in the country…they buy passports and visas and stuff – that’s the beauty of capitalism, everything can be bought and sold.’ I craved another cigarette, my distant thoughts about how bad smoking was for me were somewhere near Pluto as I contemplated the awkward criminal future that was unfurling in front of me.

  ‘I think it’s a bit harder than that to disappear…’ mused Steve.

  ‘You’re probably right…do you fancy a drink?’

  ‘Yeah…whatever you have,’ he lifted up his hand, it was still shaking, ‘I think I need one.’

  ‘Right, let’s see what we’ve got,’ I got up and opened cupboards in the kitchen. Nothing. Pat must have a cocktail cabinet. Who has a cocktail cabinet? He must have a cellar. I opened the cupboard under the stairs and flipped the light switch. I whistled. ‘Blimey, Pat’s well stocked…you know much about wine?’

  ‘A bit…if it’s old, don’t drink it.’

  ‘There’s some with dust on – I’ll give those a miss….they’re all French…ah, here’s a whole load of ones I recognize.’ I grabbed a bottle of red and returned to the kitchen. I hunted around in the draws for a bottle opener. ‘Jesus, what do they do, smash the end off like a couple of winos?’

  ‘Give it here.’ Said Steve. He twisted the wrapper off, took off his shoe and whacked the end. Nothing happened..

  ‘What are you doing? You want to smash it or something?’ I grabbed it back off him.

  ‘Emma told me this trick…maybe it doesn’t work…shit, that reminds me, we’re supposed to be meeting her tonight’

  ‘Tonight? Fuck’s sake Steve, I’ve just got a job as an armed robber, my new boss is Hatchet Harry and you’ve gone and put a hole in Pat’s house with a gun I nicked of my brother -It’s not the best timing in the world for a dinner party.’

  ‘It’s not ideal, no.’

  ‘No, it really isn’t.’

  ‘She’s come all the way from Austria…she was really looking forward to meeting you.’

  ‘Steve you really couldn’t have picked a worse time,’ I said after some thought.

  ‘I know – after all that’s happened today, I’m not sure I’m up for anything either. I can’t get out of it, that’s the way it is…she’s going to take one look at my face and know that I’ve been up to something…’

  ‘I hope you’re joking?’

  ‘Yeah…well, kind of…I’m not sure if she knows me well enough to guess if something is wrong.’

  ‘She’ll know, women always do, it’s what they do’, I said.

  Steve shrugged. ‘What do you suggest then?’ I didn’t know, everything was happening a bit too fast. What I needed more than anything, was a room with a big sofa, no telephones or doors and about five hours to process.

  ‘Say I have a new girlfriend.’

  ‘Do you?’

  ‘No… I tried to chat up the neighbour, but she’s married and slightly older than me…’

  ‘Well, Emma would want to see you anyway, so I don’t think that excuse will work…’

  ‘Okay, I’ll come along, but only to make sure you don’t spill your guts about today –‘

  ‘-You know I wouldn’t!’ protested Steve.

  ‘You say that, you say that now, but when Emma does the old Vulcan mind control thingy, then it’s not about you being in control anymore, it’ll just come out…’

  ‘She won’t find out, honest…’

  ‘She will.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘She’ll say: so what have you two been up two? And you’ll say: nothing, and she’ll have all these little alarm bells going off in her head saying: he’s up to no good! He’s up to no good! It’s drink, drugs, gambling or women or something worse…he’s a nonce! He’s a hermaphrodite!…he’s a criminal!’

  Steve looked at me with an anxious expression. ‘So what do we do then?’

  ‘Have this bottle of wine and turn up a bit pissed, then we – or should I say you – have something to feel guilty about: turning up drunk. I am a friend V.I.P so I can take the rap for it and you will escape most normal punitive punishments…but this incident will be wheeled out at a lesser date, when an argument requires it.’

  ‘You make it sound like war.’

  ‘It is…but more like a trade war than a military one.’

  ‘Okay, I suppose it’s better than her finding out about all the shit we’re in.’

  ‘I’m in,’ I corrected.

  ‘Dan, you can’t do this alone.’

  ‘I have Rich.’

  ‘You still need help.’

  I pondered this, ‘okay, offer accepted. Your first job is to keep schtum and then I may give you a promotion.’

  Steve smiled, probably for the first time since the gun went off, ‘to what?’ he asked.

  ‘Errr…gun totting bank robber, obviously.’

  CHAPTER 5

  I wasn’t drunk, not really, but Steve was – then again, he had started earlier than I had and he had had a traumatic day. We’d only drunk a bottle, but we had to do it quickly so that we could achieve the desired result. I am always annoyed at how alcohol is advertised, like it is going to make you an attractive and successful person, when that’s so obviously not the case. Alcohol will make you fat, broke and eventually ruin whatever career you’ve got. Alcohol should be advertised for what it is: a depressant in a bottle that will block out your troubles and increase your chances of getting laid by making you a less picky.

  Steve phoned Emma and told her that we were on her way, she gave him ‘the long silent pause’ and said that her friend had ‘fucked off’ (her words). Steve’s voice got higher as the desperation started to effect his Adam’s Apple and he tried to accept none of the blame and simultaneously occupy the moral high ground – it’s a fruitless exercise, but worth trying nevertheless. We were now directed to a restaurant that we should have been in forty minutes ago, apparently.

  ‘She’s not very happy,’ said Steve.

  ‘No shit.’ We picked up our pace a bit and walked in the direction the restaurant. It was about a ten minute walk away, at this rate we’d make it in three.

  ‘She’s not very happy that you didn’t get to meet Cathy, her friend.’

  ‘Oh well, it’s one less thing to worry about, ‘ I said breathlessly. I really should think about getting a bit fitter.

  We arrived at the restaurant and a small maître’d guides us to our table, which was more of a booth than anything. Emma was seated on the bench seat and bounced her way along to greet us. She was short, dark and rotund – she seemed to have no hard edges at all, everything was curves. There was something quite…alluring about her and I warmed to her instantly. Steve bent to kiss her, as she was much shorter than he was, she gave him a frown, but it was a happy one, which may have been for my benefit, I’m not sure. He muttered a sorry and she turned to me.

  ‘So you must be Dan,’ she said in a surprisingly husky voice. She had a twinkle in her eye and it was amazingly disconcerting. She seemed like someone whom it would be extremely difficult not too like. She put her hand out haughtily.

  ‘And you must be Emma,’ I said. I shook her hand. ‘I am really sorry about being late…I’ve had a really tr
aumatic week…and, well, if it hadn’t been for Steve…I’d have been in a right state.’ She looked at Steve adoringly, and I was momentarily jealous of him for finding someone who cared for him so much.

  ‘What happened? Nothing too bad I hope?’ She said to me.

  I sat down and pushed myself along the bench. ‘Not anything life threatening, I’m at a bit of a crossroads in my life…and Steve has been helping me to find my direction.’

  She gave Steve’s hand a squeeze and he nodded sagely. ‘Did you resolve anything?’

  ‘I was thinking of going into business with my brother.’ Steve nearly chocked on his mineral water that he was trying to drink in a vain attempt to sober himself up, I guess.

  Emma glanced at Steve and asked: ‘What does your brother do?’

  ‘He runs a nightclub, called the Rug Club – ‘

  ‘I’ve heard of that! I tried to get in there once, but they wouldn’t let me in – I think I was quite drunk…’ said Emma.

  ‘Their door policy is a bit strange sometimes…anyway, he wants to set up a bistro, like a sister operation, and he wants me to run it.’

  ‘How exciting! Do you know anything about the restaurant world?’

  ‘Not really…but Steve says that you work in the catering industry?’

  ‘In work in catering, but it’s movie catering, for shoots and studios.’

  ‘So Steve tells me, he said that’s where you met.’

  ‘Not very romantic, I know…a few snatched glances over the bacon butties and we went from there,’ she reached for Steve’s hand and held it. ‘Steve, you’re shaking! Are you okay?’ She looked at Steve intently.

  ‘Oh, I’m just a bit nervous about you two meeting…’ He said.

  ‘Why would you be nervous?’ She asked.

  ‘We gave his last girlfriend a bit of a hard time,’ I helped. Steve looked at me questioningly. ‘She was a bit, you know, stupid…’

  ‘You never told me that, I thought you said she was boring?’ asked Emma.

  Steve shrugged and looked for the waiter, he got his attention .’Could I see the wine list?’ The waiter scurried off.