by Jenny Colgan
‘Well, shaft me sideways with a saveloy,’ said the waitress.
‘Sorry,’ said Ellie, ‘we only speak English.’
The waitress wobbled off in shoes that surely weren’t in the health and safety regulations for food preparation.
‘Excuse me.’
Ellie turned to see the most achingly beautiful young man she had ever laid eyes on sitting next to her. He was regarding her with a look of puppyish devotion, resembling nothing more than Emilio Estevez sighting Andie McDowell.
‘Oh no,’ she thought. ‘Here I am, ten thousand miles from home, and this poor boy has just fallen hopelessly in love with me. But it can never be.’
‘Hello,’ she said kindly, giving him her best eyes wide open smile.
‘Hey,’ he said, with a melting smile. ‘Look, do you think you could introduce me to that waitress? You look like you know her.’
‘Jeez, I cannot cut a break,’ thought Ellie.
‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘She’ll only talk to you if you’re in movies.’
‘Hey, wow, are you in movies?’ he said, his wide eyes opening even wider. ‘Only, because, well … I’m an actor.’
‘No shit. Well, maybe I could get you into Animal Hospital, chipmunk-face,’ said Ellie in a growling voice.
‘Yeah?’
‘Ellie, pay attention,’ ordered Julia. ‘Okay, there are six Andrew McCarthys and another five A. McCarthys.’
‘That could be if he’s trying to hide his identity,’ observed the waitress over her shoulder.
‘In the phone book. Under his own surname,’ said Ellie.
‘Hey! You want my help or doncha?’
‘Did we ask for help?’ said Ellie to Julia.
‘I’d recommend you don’t play smartass with the person you’re relying on to bring you foodstuffs.’
Ellie hung her head. ‘Sorry.’
‘Alrighty then. Are you going to phone them all?’
‘No, just the real one,’ said Ellie. ‘We’re psychic.’
‘You can’t help yourself, can you?’
‘No. Please don’t spit in my pancake mix.’
‘Makes ’em better for you. Well, don’t phone that one,’ said the waitress, pointing out the second name. ‘That neighbourhood, I’m surprised he’s even got a phone.’
‘Handy,’ said Julia, scribbling it out with a pen. Unable to get a grip, she tore the entire page out of the book.
‘Hey,’ said the waitress. ‘We might need that page!’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Ellie, holding up the book. ‘You already let somebody take the “Lowe” page. Oh, and look, the “Clooney” page.’
‘For Rosemary, would you believe. You all done?’ said the waitress, retreating to the kitchen.
‘Can we change some quarters?’ asked Julia.
‘Sure.’
‘Umm … excuse me.’
The young man waylaid the waitress as she went past his table.
‘Ehm … can I … look, do you want to have dinner some time, or something?’ he asked.
‘Are you in movies?’ asked the waitress, waving her coffee pot alarmingly.
‘Well, I’ve got the possibility of a part coming up on Animal Hospital …’
‘Yeah?’
‘To the batphone,’ whispered Ellie, and Julia nodded as they crept out, leaving a massive tip.
With five handfuls of change, procured from a man entirely covered in tattoos, they found a relatively quiet telephone box by the beach.
‘Here goes,’ said Ellie.
‘Please deposit one dollar seventy,’ said a mechanized voice on the phone.
‘Weird,’ said Ellie. ‘What if we just ran away?’
‘Doesn’t your mobile work?’ said Julia.
‘I had to hand it back to work. Actually,’ Ellie thought about it for a second, ‘nothing has rung at me for three days. God, that’s magnificent.’
She enjoyed the thought for a moment.
‘Okay, get on with it!’ said Julia, ‘What are you going to say if he answers?’
‘Ooh!’ said Ellie. ‘I hadn’t really thought about that.’
‘Hedge, this is the point of the whole trip.’
‘Yeh, I know but … Oh, I know. I’ll ask him if he can still get into that ladies bra he wears in Class.’
‘… or anything on earth other than that,’ said Julia.
‘Um … maybe we should pretend to be film directors.’
‘Let’s keep the whole disaster-inviting pretending stuff to a minimum shall we? You’ve seen Weekend at Bernie’s. Just say hi.’
‘Okay.’ Ellie took a deep breath. ‘First number please.’
‘310–555 … 1796.’
The phone clicked to itself at the other end and rang.
‘Hi!’
‘Hi!’ said Ellie excitedly.
‘Andy and Maggie can’t come to the phone right now … you know what to do!’
‘I cannot believe I fall for that every fucking time,’ said Ellie. ‘I’m like Charlie Brown and the football. What possible reason could people have for trying to make you look stupid when they’re not even there to enjoy it?’
‘Was it him?’
‘Nope, definitely not. Far too jolly and upbeat. Anyway, he’s not an “Andy”. That’s a puppy’s name.’
‘Okay …’
‘Do you want to do the next one?’
‘No, this is your thing. Anyway, it’s not like you’re trying to sell them life insurance.’
Ellie sighed and dialled the next number.
‘This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. If you wish to leave a message for my loyal lieutenant Andrew, make it so after the tone.’
Ellie hung up, shaking her head fiercely.
‘Well, if that was him, this quest is over.’
‘Hello, this is Andrew’s microwave. His answering machine just eloped with his tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking his calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.’
‘Jesus, what is WITH the people in this town?’
‘They’re just trying to get noticed,’ said Julia.
‘As MORONS?’
‘Now I lay me down to sleep; leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.’
‘Christ, that’s it,’ said Ellie, slamming down the phone. ‘Let’s just assume he’s not in the phone book.’
‘There’s one Andrew left here on this list,’ said Julia. ‘You might as well give it a shot.’
Ellie raised her eyes. The phone rang for a long time, then was sharply picked up.
‘Yeah?’
Ellie froze and shook her hands desperately at Julia, who shrugged emphatically.
‘Hi … hi, is that Andrew?’
‘Who’s this?’
Ellie shook the phone in excitement.
‘Andrew McCarthy?’
‘Do I know you?’
‘No, well, not exactly, but …’
‘Aw, Christ, not this again. Don’t tell me, you want to know if I still have the bra and panties from Class …’
Ellie’s mouth dropped to the floor.
‘Is it him???’ whispered Julia frantically.
Ellie tried to mime ‘maybe’, whilst speaking calmly into the phone.
‘No, no, but, I’m a big fan and …’
‘Just fucking grow up, okay?’
‘Click.’ The phone went dead.
‘Oh my God,’ said Ellie. ‘OH MY GOD!!!’
‘Was that him????’
‘I think so! He was really pissed off at being disturbed and being asked questions about his movies … oh God, it must have been!’
‘Seems like maybe he shouldn’t put himself in the phone book,’ mused Julia.
‘Oh my God … it sounded like him. Well, it was male, and American … Oh, and he was at home during the day! It is him!
‘Do you want to phone him again?’
‘No,
he obviously doesn’t like it … and we don’t have to now, do we? We’ve got his home address!’
Say Anything
‘Hey!’ yelled Siobhan, fumbling with her car keys, house keys, three bags of shopping and an umbrella. ‘Where are you off to?’
Loxy turned round halfway down Lavender Hill, padding home to his flat at the bottom. ‘Oh, hi there Siobhan,’ he said. He looked uncomfortable.
‘Shitty day!’
‘Yes, yes it is. I was just out for a walk.’
‘Loxy, it’s pissing down.’
‘Sometimes I like that though.’
‘You’re laughing at clouds,’ said Siobhan, opening her front door. Loxy stopped short and turned around.
‘Ehm. Yes. I suppose … yes I am …’
‘Do you want a cup of tea?’
‘Alright.’
‘Is it just me?’ said Julia, ‘or is this car filling up with dead skin?’
‘I’m scratchy,’ said Ellie. ‘That is not a crime.’
‘It should be. This isn’t Zombienation.’ Julia squinted at the map again, and compared it to the page ripped out of the telephone directory. They were high in the Hollywood Hills, trying to navigate off a ‘Homes of the Stars’ map. Andrew wasn’t on it, but as Ellie had pointed out, it covered the right area.
‘Okay. I think we’re just about there …’
‘Oh God,’ said Ellie nervously. ‘I think that bacon quadruple cheeseburger I had for lunch might be making a reappearance.’
‘Well, if you will immerse yourself in local customs and traditions …’
‘Are we really here?’
They were facing a low whitewashed villa, behind a low fence. Pink bougainvillaea flourished in the garden and there was an expensive German car in the driveway.
‘1134. That’s what it says,’ said Julia, backing up the car nervously.
‘Oh my God,’ said Ellie. ‘Are we really just going to march up to his door and demand …’
‘… satisfaction? Your call, sweetie.’
‘He’s going to think we’re weird.’
‘We are weird. Well, you are, Cornflake Girl.’
‘Aaah,’ said Ellie. ‘I’m really nervous.’
‘We don’t have to, you know,’ said Julia. ‘We could just go to Disneyworld or something.’
‘No,’ said Ellie. ‘No no no. How would we ever explain it to Colin? I’m going to do something positive, goddamit, and ring that doorbell.’
She looked in the sunvisor mirror. ‘I look like the Singing Detective.’
‘I know, but we’ve already agreed you’re not going to try and have sex with him, so it doesn’t matter. Now, get out the car.’
Ellie emerged into the bright sunlight, took a deep breath and moved towards the door. Just before she got there, it was pulled open abruptly.
‘What? What do you want?’
Momentarily blinded, it took her a second to focus on the tall blond character in the doorway.
‘Um … hello. Yeh, um,’ she scratched nervously, ‘I’m looking for Andrew?’
‘Yeah? What do you want?’
‘Um … well, is Andrew in?’
‘I’m Andrew. What is this?’
Julia stepped up and out of the car.
‘Jeez, what are you two – Interpol?’
Ellie stood frozen to the spot and just stared at him.
‘Oh God … I’m … I’m sorry,’ she eventually choked.
‘You’re that girl that phoned me yesterday aren’t you?’
‘No.’
‘Yeah, right, tons of British girls phone me every day.’
He smiled and relaxed a little and slowly shook his head. He looked like a surfer.
‘Did you have your autograph book and camera all ready?’
Ellie nodded mutely. He smiled.
‘It’s only the seven billionth time I’ve been mistaken for him in Los Angeles. Although it’s been pretty quiet lately. Sorry I sounded pissed yesterday, but really, why do people think celebrities would put themselves in the phone book? Hi there,’ he said to Julia, who’d wandered over to join them.
‘We’re so sorry to bother you.’
‘Not at all,’ he said. ‘Usually it’s hysterical Japanese girls who turn up at 2am then just giggle at me. What were you two doing?’
‘Oh, nothing much,’ said Ellie, twisting her hands.
‘Well, you’ve interrupted my work now,’ he said, looking at Julia. ‘Do you want an iced tea or something?’
‘No we don’t want to make any porn thank you,’ said Ellie quickly.
‘Oh, no, we wouldn’t want to intrude …’ said Julia.
‘Don’t worry – come out back and sit by the pool. Your friend looks a bit – what is it you Brits say? – hot and bothered?’
‘I am not,’ said Ellie crossly.
‘Darling, you’re a hot cross bun,’ said Julia decisively. ‘Okay. Thanks. We’d like to. I’m Julia.’
‘Andrew,’ he said, putting out his hand.
‘Yes, we knew that,’ said Julia, shaking it.
Andrew McCarthy II had a luxuriant back lawn with a small swimming pool and smart garden furniture, and, at the moment, Ellie sitting under a black umbrella wearing a deerstalker.
‘It’s all I had I’m afraid,’ he said apologetically, bringing out three very welcome cold drinks.
‘That’s okay!’ squeaked Ellie, fully aware of being red-faced, peeling and dressed ridiculously in front of someone who was clearly a bit of a blond, floppy-haired hunk.
‘So what do you do, gets you a place like this?’ asked Julia.
‘I write straplines,’ said Andrew. Then, when their faces failed to register, ‘the bit that goes on the bottom of a movie poster to get you to watch it. Like “This Time, It’s Personal”.’
‘What was that?’
‘That was Jaws III,’ said Andrew. ‘I didn’t write it. But that’s the kind of thing I do.’
‘How personal can a shark be?’ wondered Ellie aloud from the sunbed, wondering if constantly talking would render her worth investigating beyond just the skin deep. Well, several layers of skin deep. She sighed. ‘What does he do, make remarks about your weight before he chomps you in half?’
‘Shh,’ said Julia. ‘I think that’s a really interesting job.’ And she smiled winningly.
Ellie looked at Andrew’s muscled forearms and reflected that he was the most interesting job around here.
‘Thanks,’ he said, looking at them both. ‘But I do a lot of straight to video stuff too. They like it pretty basic. Ooh, that’ll work – “They Like It Pretty Basic”. That should do for Basic Desires. It’s a movie about a guy who has sex with prostitutes then …’
‘Kills them, yes. Is C. Thomas Howell in it?’
‘Thom Howell? No, not this one. Do you know him?’
‘Yes, quite well actually,’ said Ellie.
‘Cool. Nice guy. So, what brings you to LA? Apart from pestering minor celebrities of course.’
‘No, that was pretty much it,’ said Julia.
‘You’re kidding.’
‘Nope. Ask the Hedgehog.’
‘Oh yeah, make out like it was all my idea,’ said Ellie, who was getting hot and sticky underneath the hat.
‘Hedgehog. It was all your idea,’ said Julia, and Andrew laughed. Ellie did not like the way this was going at all.
‘So are you working on any other emotional animal movies?’ she asked.
‘Just one. It’s about a man and a cat who get together and solve crimes.’
‘“The Purrfect Combination”!’ said Julia.
‘Hey – yeah! You’d be good at this.’
‘But that’s shit!’ said Ellie. ‘Sorry Julia. But it is though.’
They both looked at her.
‘The film’s shit too though,’ said Andrew. ‘So, it’s kind of the point. You write the strapline so you know what kind of film to expect.’
‘Anyway, do you think you could do bet
ter?’ said Julia with a sniff.
‘“Claws of Steel”,’ said Ellie petulantly. There was a silence. Andrew and Julia looked at each other indulgently.
‘That’s very good,’ said Andrew.
‘Thank you. Oh, how about … “you can only stop a crime wave by raining cats and dogs” …’
‘There aren’t any dogs in it.’
‘It’s metaphorical. Or you could get them to put some dogs in it. And maybe a rain sequence.’
‘Uh huh.’
‘“Pussy Power”.’
‘Ehm, I know! Why don’t I go and get some more drinks,’ said Andrew suddenly, jumping up. ‘Julia?’
‘Ooh, yes please, I’d love another iced tea,’ Julia said, handing him her glass. He took it and smiled at her, then walked into the house.
‘You TART!’ whispered Ellie, grinning, as soon as he’d gone.
‘What? What are you talking about?’
‘Look at you! You’re all over him like a rash.’
‘I am not. He’s just being polite.’
‘Oh, and you are just inviting him into your pants.’
‘Don’t be silly. Anyway, I’ve got a boyfriend.’
‘I don’t believe it,’ said Ellie. ‘I’m the sad single person. I ought to get first crack at him. He’s completely gorgeous. But what do you do? You put me in a ridiculous hat and make me sit under an umbrella while you go, “ooh yes, I’d love another iced tea. And some sex please!”’
‘I was not!’
‘You so were. “Andrew, I’d like an iced tea and all the sex please.”’
‘I never did!’
‘“You know, I think I’ll just have my iced tea naked!”’
‘Do you want me to hit you on your sunburn or not?’
‘Whatever gets you going, seeing as you’re obviously so turned on.’
‘Do you two squabble a lot?’ said Andrew looking amused, as he came back out with three iced teas. Julia shot Ellie a dirty look. ‘Have I always been this jealous of Julia?’ Ellie thought to herself ruefully.
‘No. The Hedgehog was just saying how much she loved your hat and how she wished she could keep it on all the time.’
‘Oh, that old thing. You can have it – I picked it up on a set somewhere, but it’s really too hot to wear it here. But I’m glad you like it though.’