by Jenny Colgan
‘No shit,’ said Ellie grumpily, pulling the flaps down over her eyes. She pretended to go to sleep as Julia filled Andrew II in on what they were doing in LA. Listening to Julia tell it made it sound even stupider than it normally did, particularly with Julia omitting all the Loxy bits and making it sound as if she was humouring someone on the brink of insanity. ‘Yes, I have always been jealous,’ Ellie realized. ‘Completely and utterly.’
Andrew II listened patiently to Julia. ‘Hmm,’ he said, when she had finished.
‘Yes, hmm exactly,’ said Julia conspiratorially. Ellie made Evil Eyes of Death under the flap of the deerstalker.
‘What makes you think he lives in LA?’
‘Because it’s where movie stars live?’
‘You know, being a movie star isn’t exactly like being President. They can live anywhere.’
‘What do you mean?’ said Ellie, sitting upright.
‘Well, I don’t want to rain on your parade or anything … but, in the late 1980s I got fed up of having teenage girls hanging around my house all day …’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, I’ve had all the jokes, thank you … anyway, I hate to tell you this, but I did a bit of research, and I’m afraid your guru lives in New York.’
There was a silence on the end of the phone.
‘No way,’ said Arthur.
‘It’s just a teensy TEENSY tiny little change,’ said Ellie.
‘Hedge, have you any idea how much my Prada swimming trunks cost?’
‘But you’ll love New York. Think: ice skating in Central Park!’
‘Exactly! It’ll be below zero! That’s no good for swimming trunks! Oh, for fuck’s sake, Hedge, why couldn’t you have sorted this out properly?’
‘What do you mean, sort this out properly? This is not the kind of thing you can plan. If it was, you’d be able to visit him on package tours.’
‘Well, why didn’t you look up where he was on the Internet or something?’
‘Because the Internet is the most vile thing I’ve ever seen in my life and I won’t go near it.’
‘That’s just because you’re using Big Bastard’s computer. It’s different on every computer you know.’
‘Is it?’
‘Of course. Did you really think everyone has goat/ women sex as their home page?’
‘I wasn’t sure, and I was too frightened to check. Anyway, that’s fucked now, plus we’ve spent most of the money on the Ritz, so we’re going to have to drive. We can borrow somebody’s car and drive it across the country for them and it hardly costs anything. Why don’t you come and meet us halfway?’
‘So I can sit in somebody else’s car in the freezing cold instead of dancing around San Francisco in my Prada pants,’ said Arthur thoughtfully. ‘I’ve got a better idea – why don’t I just smash a bottle over my head for fun and take up mini-cabbing for the experience?
‘Don’t be like this. It will be fun. I promise. We’re having fun. Well, Julia is.’
Julia shot Ellie a warning glance across the room.
‘Ooh, gossip? Immediately please,’ said Arthur.
‘Nothing,’ said Ellie, in a tone of voice which clearly meant ‘loads’. ‘Can’t talk now. But if we meet you about halfway across …’
‘Oh for fuck’s sake,’ said Arthur. ‘Where’s halfway across? I’ll tell you where it isn’t: it isn’t on a beach which requires the wearing of Prada swimming trunks.’
Ellie cringed. She wasn’t looking forward to this bit. ‘I think … Kansas City.’
‘Kansas City?’
‘Uh huh. Andrew reckons we could make it in four days.’
‘Who?’
Julia picked up a bottle of deodorant in a vaguely threatening fashion.
‘Umm, nobody. This, err, woman we met called Andrew. You know people have the craziest names out here.’
‘What the hell am I going to do in Kansas City?’ howled Arthur.
‘Well, you could drive us the next three thousand miles.’
‘Christ.’
There was a bumping noise in the background.
‘Okay, you two, stop it.’
‘What’s going on?’
‘Nothing. Colin and Big Bastard are having a little … contretemps.’
‘Give me that you little fucker,’ could be heard in the background, along with some high pitched yelping.
‘Colin borrowed one of Big Bastard’s Pringles and wore it. So now Big Bastard won’t wear it ever again and he’s currently trying to stop Colin getting into his room … put the wardrobe down, Big Bastard!’
‘How’s Loxy?’ Julia gesticulated wildly from the bed.
‘Arthur, how’s the Loxster?’ asked Ellie.
‘Colin, vests are for wearing, not for slapping. Huh?’
‘Julia wants to know how the Loxster is.’
‘Um … fine, I think … Jesus! Look, I’m going to have to go. They’ve started to throw shoes. Look, I’m not sure … You’re going to have to phone again … For fuck’s sake, Big Bastard, call that a shoe? That’s not a shoe, it’s a fucking boat!’
‘Bye,’ said Ellie, a little sadly, putting the phone down.
‘How are they?’ asked Julia anxiously, getting up and going into the tiny bathroom.
‘Fine. Well, murdering each other obviously. Ehm, Arthur is dead set against this.’
‘I’m not surprised. How’s Loxy?’
‘He didn’t really say. Okay, I think.’
‘Hmm. That doesn’t give a lot away. Do you think I should phone him?’
‘Are you thinking of committing adultery?’
Andrew II was taking them out to dinner.
‘No!’
‘Are you sure? Why else are you phoning home then?’
Julia ignored her. ‘Is Arthur serious about not wanting to come?’
‘I’m sure there’s lots he can get up to in New York. He’s just going to take a bit of persuading, that’s all. Anyway, if he doesn’t come, we can still have fun, can’t we?’
‘Oh yes,’ said Julia, artfully plucking out one of her near-invisible eyebrows.
‘Okay, I’m going to phone my dad.’
‘Okay!’
‘Hello my favourite Hedgepig.’
‘Hello Dad.’
Her father sounded sleepy. Well, it was late at home.
‘What are you up to?’
‘Hey, don’t talk about me: sheesh, I’m trying to stay awake through Newsnight. Hasn’t got much more exciting than that all day. Tell me everything you’ve been doing.’
Ellie told him some of things she’d been doing, omitting anything embarrassing to herself or potentially dangerous that might worry her father, e.g. having iced tea with a stranger, driving through unknown territory, harassing people over the phone, getting drunk on the plane … so, mostly, it boiled down to pancakes.
‘Hey, didn’t I tell you the food would be great over there?’
‘Yup,’ said Ellie. ‘And you were right. Dad, are you eating okay?’
‘Yes, yes,’ said her dad. ‘Don’t worry about me sweetheart. Just you have a good time.’
‘Are you eating the stuff I left you in the freezer?’
‘Yup. Mostly in conjunction with meat pies.’
‘Da-ad.’
‘I said don’t worry, love. You just have a wonderful time.’ He sounded sad.
‘I’ll try.’
‘But not too wonderful, eh? I want you home again. You might be a royal pain in the you know what, but you’re still my little Hedgepig, okay?’
‘Yes,’ said Ellie uncertainly, suddenly, against her wishes, feeling very far from home. ‘I miss you Dad.’
‘Well, I miss you too sweetheart. Give Hollywood one for me. Tell them they should make a film about a retired cop.’
‘Who eats pies.’
‘Yeah.’
‘And who actually worked in back office logistics.’
‘I’ll be world famous.’
‘An
d I’ll be a baboon’s waistcoat.’
‘Oh God. That’s Plockton language darling, not worthy of you.’
‘No,’ said Ellie, suddenly sad.
‘Make the most of it, eh, sweetheart?’
Then he put the phone down right away. Ellie hung up and sat on the bed, swinging her heels and trying to work out what he meant, until she heard Julia start to sing ‘Saving All My Love For You’ in the bathroom. Chuckling, she launched herself up and headed for the door. ‘Are you shaving your legs in there?’
‘They’re prickly!’
‘They’re horny!’
Julia poked her head out of the bathroom door.
‘You’re going to have to stop this or I’m not taking you tonight.’
‘He invited both of us, so there.’
‘Yes, but I have the car keys, SO THERE. Also, you’d better wear that deerstalker. He gave it to you as a present – he’ll be expecting it.’
‘Chuff off,’ said Ellie sullenly.
‘Heh heh heh,’ said Julia.
‘Are you really going to cheat on Lox?’ said Ellie suddenly.
Julia came out of the bathroom entirely.
‘Look. This is the whole point of this trip. To discover things about myself. How much I fancy other people. How much I miss Loxy when he’s not here. If it doesn’t work out, I’m going to call it quits when I get home, which means anything that goes on here doesn’t count.’
Julia started combing out her long blonde hair.
‘Hmm. So basically it’s an excuse to behave like a complete bike,’ said Ellie reflectively.
Julia threw the hairbrush at her.
‘Hey! Leave me alone.’
‘Well,’ said Julia. ‘Where is he on the scale, after all?’
Ellie shrugged. ‘If Jono Coleman is a one …’
The scale started from people who had fights with themselves in public and went on up to someone with whom it would be considered a crime against the universe not to sleep.
‘… I’d say he’s a James Spader.’
‘He is so not a James Spader. You’re trying to mark him down so I’ll lose interest and you can have him.’
‘Okay. He’s a Lloyd Cole.’
‘He’s a Judd, and don’t forget it.’
‘He is not a Judd.’
‘He is.’
‘Fine. Sleep with him then. See if I care,’ said Ellie.
Julia disappeared once more into the bathroom.
‘Actually, I care a lot,’ said Ellie loudly.
‘I know. But it’s my marriage on the line!’
‘Does that line get you out of parking tickets as well?’ grumbled Ellie, tying a red-speckled headband through her unruly curls.
The restaurant was set high on a shady terrace covered in palm trees, looking over the ridiculously ugly mixed-origin houses that made up posh Los Angeles.
‘I didn’t know the Tudors needed half-timbered four-car garages,’ Ellie said. ‘But I guess it makes sense.’
Julia was wearing a pretty white linen dress and sipping a mineral water next to the hibiscus. The evening was positively balmy, and across the sky the jet streaks of a hundred planes could be seen.
Ellie had removed the deerstalker and was actually looking simply ruddy, rather than like the unfortunate survivor of a burning oil spill. They were feeling warm and happy and very pleased to be looking out onto a sweet scented pink evening and not, say, a fat tabby and a wet dustbin.
Andrew II entered just after 7.30pm. He was wearing khakis and a shirt with tiny flowers on it, and his blond hair was freshly washed and flopped over one eye.
‘Cor,’ said Ellie and Julia simultaneously, then looked at each other.
‘You know, technically speaking, I saw him first,’ hissed Julia.
‘I rang his fucking doorbell!’ said Ellie. ‘If that’s not seeing him first then I’m a badger’s auntie.’
‘You said it, you are it,’ said Julia.
‘Right! That’s it,’ Ellie hit her on the hand with a bread stick.
‘Hi, you two,’ said Andrew II suavely, coming up to their table. ‘Everything okay?’
‘Hi Andrew,’ they both said immediately in twinkling tones.
‘Look, I hope you don’t mind, but I brought a friend … he’s just out in front sorting out the car.’
Ellie and Julia both looked politely interested, each desperately hoping the friend wasn’t for them – Ellie with rather less confidence, which turned out to be well placed, as a slouchy-looking guy wearing an enormous Jamiroquai hat walked in.
‘Um, Ellie, Julia, this is Chip, but we call him Hatsie.’
Hatsie grunted and sat down. A bread roll disappeared under his hat and didn’t come out again.
‘Ho ho!’ said Julia jovially, leaning over to shake his paw. ‘God, you and Ellie are going to have so much in common, I can just tell. I’ll bet your shared love of hats is just the beginning.’
‘You know it’s amazing!’ said Ellie to Andrew. ‘Julia hasn’t been able to stop talking all afternoon! We think she might have Tourette’s.’
Andrew smiled at them both a tad awkwardly.
‘Right. Ehm, can I get you both a drink?’
‘What would you recommend?’ they both said simultaneously, leaning in towards him and, consciously or otherwise, pushing out their breasts just a little.
‘Uhm,’ he suddenly looked frightened. ‘Why don’t we all just start with mineral water and see how it goes.’
‘Oh, that sounds great,’ said Julia, shaking her shiny blonde hair out of her eyes.
Ellie sat back half-smiling. Oh well. You don’t mess with the experts.
She turned to Andrew’s companion. ‘Well then, hello there Hatsie!’
‘Hgnfu,’ said Hatsie. Another bread roll vanished.
‘Sorry?’
‘Hgn-FU!’
‘Oh. Oh, yes,’ said Ellie, picking up one corner of the tablecloth and fiddling with it.
‘Hgn-fu corhayy.’
‘Good one!’ said Andrew, overhearing and laughing.
‘What?’ said Ellie.
‘Ha ha!’ laughed Julia.
‘Hatsie knows everyone in LA, don’t you Hatsie?’ said Andrew encouragingly, ‘in fact, that’s how we got a table here tonight.’
Julia patted him coyly on the arm.
As if to prove this, an impossibly stupid-looking/beautiful (delete according to gender preference) blonde woman with massive rigid breasts walked past and stopped at the table.
‘Hatsie!’ she squealed. ‘So great to see you! How was Malibu?’
‘Gnrgch,’ said Hatsie.
‘Oh, you are wicked. I’m sure Puffy doesn’t think so.’
‘Kfnia.’
Ellie beckoned the waiter over. ‘Can I have another basket of bread rolls please? And a triple Bacardi.’
Halfway through the meal, Ellie gestured Julia angrily to the bathroom. Julia had been hogging Andrew entirely with such inclusive topics as how to keep your natural blonde hair out of the sun and just how difficult it was to keep your Italian linen uncreased.
‘Julia,’ said Ellie sternly, running her hands under the tap. ‘You’re hogging.’
‘Oh, don’t be silly,’ said Julia. She had had a couple of glasses of wine and her eyes were sparkling. ‘I’m on holiday. I’m not being old Julia anymore. I’m having fun, okay? And anyway, I’m only flirting.’
‘Julia, the only thing you’re flirting with is what kind of breakfast you’re going to let him make you after he gives you a jolly good …’
‘That’s not true,’ said Julia, blushing. Then she looked up. ‘If I did …’
‘Let’s just assume it’s going to be you shall we?’
‘If I did … you wouldn’t tell, would you?’
‘Of course I would!’ said Ellie. ‘What, you shagging some other bloke? Not only that, a bloke who’s like a photographic negative of Loxy! You and Andrew are like the Nazi Twins!’
‘Yeah? So why do
you keep pouting in his direction?’
‘Yes, but it’s okay for me – I’m single. I deserve him. Also I’ve been sat talking to a drain all night whilst you try and break the world giggling record.’
‘So you’d ruin it – you’re jealous.’
‘So what if I am? Not that I am. Dammit, I said those in the wrong order.’
‘Oh, go on Hedgehog. Please.’
Ellie wiped some mascara from under her eyes.
‘As you’re driving, I don’t exactly think I have much choice, do you? You might sever my arms in a freak window winding up “accident”.’
‘Thanks,’ said Julia, touching up her blusher. ‘Oh God. I’m sure I won’t get off with him really.’
‘Can’t we just leave this at how good I’m being about it?’
‘Yes. Sorry.’
‘And you have to talk to me more. I’ve been saddled with someone without physical characteristics. I keep expecting him to pull the hat off and shout “I am a human being!”’
‘Maybe it’s a zombie,’ said Julia.
‘Maybe it’s the black face of death,’ agreed Ellie. ‘Nobody order the fish. You’ll start choking, and he’ll just stand up and pull the hat off … and there’ll be NOTHING THERE.’
‘Okay, you’re scaring yourself now,’ said Julia. ‘Let’s just go in and have a nice dinner.’
‘Yeah, well you have a nice dinner – I’ll throw Hatsie bread rolls like a seal.’
‘Well, you know what they say … big hat …’
‘… complete inability to talk, I know …’
Julia wiped a smudge of rose-coloured lipstick over her lips.
‘Okay. Let’s go.’
‘So we’re agreed,’ said Ellie. ‘You’re going to have to tell me all the sexy details so that I can revel in them and hold them over you as blackmail for the rest of your life if you marry Loxy. Practically, it’ll make you my slave.’
‘We didn’t agree that!’
‘Oh yes we did …’
‘So, yes, they’re always bickering …’ Andrew was saying as they came out. ‘Oh, hello you two! Have you decided what you want to eat? I hear the seafood here is great.’
‘No fish,’ said Ellie sternly.
‘You choose,’ said Julia, in a giggly way.
Andrew suavely ordered huge plates of salad, grilled chicken and the fish, which Ellie studiously avoided. Everything was delicious.