by Jenny Colgan
‘That’s okay, Siobhan’s coming over to drive me to the airport.’
‘Middle of winter doesn’t sound like a proper fucking holiday. You should come with me and the boys from the club. We’re going to Ibiza, right, to get lagered up and get off with those lasses you’re always seeing on TV that’re totally pissed up. They’re up for anything, right, and they’re wearing practically nothing. And they’re pissed up! Fantastic. I suppose you’d have to try and get them to be sick first though,’ he finished, almost to himself.
‘Actually, I think I’d better just go and answer the door,’ said Arthur, hopping off the bed.
‘I suppose the trick would be to carry chewing gum, right …’
‘Dammit,’ said Siobhan, who was hopping about outside in the rain.
‘I was going to use your loo, then I remembered this was Big Bastard’s house. Last time I used it there was a toothbrush in it.’
‘Quite right,’ said Arthur. ‘Thanks for this.’
‘Not at all. I can pick up some bathroom fixtures in Slough on my way back. Oh, and I can throw a stone through his dad’s greenhouse.’
‘You wouldn’t!’
‘I know. I’m running out of ideas.’
‘Colin!’
Colin scampered out carrying the suitcase and hopped into the back seat.
Arthur peered round the door one last time ‘Bye Big Bastard …’
There was a muted grunt.
‘He went into the bathroom with that book,’ said Colin, hanging over the front seat. ‘I don’t think he’s going to be out in a hurry.’
‘Well, I’m glad I didn’t even attempt it,’ said Siobhan.
‘Plus, we’ll get to the airport quicker if your bladder’s about to explode,’ said Arthur.
Colin fell asleep before they’d even hit the Westway, and Siobhan took the opportunity to turn round. They were inching ahead in the traffic, and the windscreen wipers were working overtime.
‘Arthur?’
Arthur raised his eyebrows. Siobhan sounded serious.
‘Is he asleep?’
‘Yeah, I would think so. He goes out like a light in cars. And night buses too. In fact, that’s how we met.’
‘You’re so lucky to have a man like him.’
Arthur looked at him asleep. ‘He is sweet, isn’t he? Although of course I’m off to New York to be wild and crazy.’
‘Can I talk to you about something?’
‘Of course. Anything.’
‘Can you keep it secret?’
‘Probably. Unless it’s against my own self-interest.’
Siobhan lowered her eyebrows at him.
‘Just being honest! What if I was being tortured?’
‘Arthur it’s … it’s Loxy.’
‘What?’ said Arthur. ‘What about Loxy?’
‘Well … more specifically, it’s about Loxy and me.’
‘WHAT?’
Taken off guard, Siobhan swerved the car almost into the path of the enormous truck coming up behind them.
‘JESUS!!!’ she screamed. The truck blew its horn loudly as the car slowly skidded back into position.
‘MUM!!’ Colin woke up with a start.
Siobhan rolled her eyes.
‘What are you rolling your eyes at me for?’ Arthur hissed. ‘I can’t believe …’
‘You just nearly killed us! So shut up!’ said Siobhan, putting on the radio loudly. Eminem came blaring out.
‘I like him because he swears,’ said Colin.
Arthur put his hands over his eyes and looked out of the window.
‘It’s not …’ said Siobhan.
‘What, serious? So, what – you’re going to finish it when she comes home? Or maybe wait until the wedding?’
‘No.’
‘I can’t believe you. You, of all people. Don’t tell me: you’ve started ballet class.’
Siobhan pulled off the road next to a corner shop and handed Colin a pile of change.
‘Go buy sweets.’
Colin’s eyes widened.
‘But none of that treacle toffee,’ shouted Arthur after him. ‘It sticks your teeth together and last time you cried, remember. And you,’ he returned to Siobhan, ‘I just can’t believe you.’
‘Yeah, you said that,’ said Siobhan, turning on him, furious. ‘Rather than wait two seconds to get the actual facts.’
‘You’re fucking your best friend’s boyfriend. Hmm. You’re right. There are many different and subtle shades of meaning I can take from that.’
Siobhan clenched her arms to stop herself hitting him.
‘I AM NOT FUCKING HIM!’
Arthur looked at her.
She stared at the floor.
‘OKAY? I’ve … I’ve just got a terrible crush on him. I wanted to tell you … expected some sympathy. But perhaps you’d rather cut off my hair, paint me red and parade me around town naked.’
‘Oh Shiv, I am sorry.’ Arthur reached out and touched her arm. ‘Sorry, I just …’
‘Jumped to conclusions the first second you could, you fucking drama queen.’
‘I’m sorry.’
Siobhan sniffed unhappily then glanced at Arthur.
‘So, I would guess you wouldn’t approve?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Arthur. ‘I would love to see you bald and red and stomping about naked.’
‘Oh, but Arthur, he’s just so sweet. He’s so handsome and loving and sexy and devoted …’
‘Yeah, but not to you.’
‘Yeah, but I’ve got a good imagination.’
‘Has he made any move towards you at all?’
‘No. He just comes round and moans. He really misses her.’
‘And you were going to change this by taking your clothes off?’
‘Oh, you make it sound so shabby.’
‘No, you’re right. That fake sympathy/clothes off tactic really is a pretty classy affair. Works on widowers as well, I’ve heard.’
‘Okay, thank you. Thank you. What am I going to do?’
‘What do you mean, what are you going to do? Don’t you remember last year? I couldn’t go outside on any Saturday at all.’
‘Ehm … yes, I do remember now – which one was it again, Ant or Dec?’
‘Oh, both of them. Unbearable. But then it passed. That’s what crushes do. Then you wake up one day and say to yourself, “is that adorable puppy fat or is it actually a gut?” And then it’s over and you can choose someone from ER.’
‘So people get over their crushes then?’
‘Yup. Yes they do.’
‘And what is it Ellie is doing again … ?’
‘Oh, here’s Colin,’ said Arthur abruptly. ‘Col! Get in! We’ve got to get a move on!’
‘Gmdppffhh,’ said Colin.
‘You better not have bought that treacle toffee.’
‘Frnnggfff,’ said Colin, shaking his head fiercely.
‘Hum hum hum.’ Arthur strolled through the airport with a light bag and customary panache. He was on his way to buy a bumper quantity of books and magazines in preparation for an open-ended stay at Kansas City airport, after his change at Atlanta. It was going to be a long fifteen hours plus Ellie unpredictability tax.
A cute steward passed by and caught his eye, winking at him. Arthur froze immediately as the steward shrugged and waltzed off, towing his little bag. Damn it! Arthur was a free man! It was his right to flirt. Sighing, he stalked on. He was, he had to admit, a bit worried about Colin. He was worried that Big Bastard wouldn’t be seen out with him any more and wouldn’t take him anywhere while Arthur was away. A threesome was fine, but apparently real men never went to the pub in twos because it was a badge of gayness. He sighed, reached Smith’s and turned in, managing to completely miss Colin’s little pug face still pressed up against the airport window.
Dangerous Liaisons
Blancmange were playing ‘Living on the Ceiling’ which, Julia was beginning to believe, would be infinitely preferable to spending
this much time in a car.
They had stayed two nights in the kinds of motels frequented by Mulder and Scully on the trail of flesh-sucking, incestuous tree people, and had been greeted with a variety of friendly, if deeply suspicious attitudes, particularly since Ellie had found an enormous polka dot bow and insisted on wearing it in her hair. Mile after mile after mile of dusty roads and endless, endless strips of the same signs – Transco, Wendy’s, Tacobell, White Castle, Elf. Over and over again. Behind, great mountain ranges loomed and soared; ahead, huge yellow fields stretched out forever. Stuck in the rusty tin box of a Toyota, Julia had two straight lines etched on her eyeballs. Now it was hammering rain, harder than they’d ever seen before, battering the roof of the car as they puttered through Kansas.
Ellie, however, was finding it peaceful. Nobody could find her. There weren’t any messages to return on her voicemail. No mobile. No e-mail. No fax. No commuters: hell, there were hardly any other cars; no news apart from supermarket tabloids. She hadn’t seen a single Ikea, and the rhythm of the car and the hills and the days was lulling her.
‘“Every Kansas farmer feeds seventy-five people,”’ she read dreamily out loud as they entered the state. ‘Is that seventy-five Americans or seventy-five ordinary people? There’s a big difference. That’s probably about three hundred ordinary people.’ She returned to the guidebook. ‘Kansas City – ooh! – Harry S. Truman was born here,’ she continued. ‘And it has a really big zoo.’
Four hours later she was still reading contentedly. But now the signs were saying, ‘leaving Kansas’.
‘Hedgehog,’ said Julia, anxiously. ‘Look at the map again please.’
‘I have looked at the map,’ said Ellie, eating a vast bag of something called Tater Tots, a revolting mix of Smarties and Pringles that she, however, didn’t seem able to put down.
‘We’re heading towards Kansas City.’
‘But we’re leaving Kansas.’
Ellie turned the map upside down.
‘Hmm. Are you sure you didn’t turn one hundred and eighty degrees somewhere when I wasn’t looking?’
‘YES I’m sure. Look, there’s the fucking state line!’ It was rare to see Julia cross but then it’s rare to spend days cooped up with someone who keeps dozing off on you while you have to do all the work. ‘Where the fuck is your fucking city with its enormous fucking zoo??’
‘Should be around here somewhere.’
The view for hundreds of miles in all directions was entirely flat.
‘Oh, for CHRIST’s sake, Hedgehog, why couldn’t you just do your one tiny job – of getting us along a completely straight road. You just have completely NO fucking sense of responsibility.’
Ellie immediately sulked up.
‘Yes I do, Miss Smarty Pants. It’s got to be around here somewhere.’
They reached the state line.
‘That’s what bloody Captain Scott said!’ yelled Julia. ‘That’s what they said when they were looking for the lost city of Atlantis. Give me that map!’
Ellie handed it over.
‘FUCK! Hedgehog what the fuck are you thinking?’
The scale was about 1: 250,000.
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’
‘WHAT?’
‘We’re two thousand miles bang in the middle of absolutely nowhere and we don’t know what fucking state we’re in and we don’t know anyone and we have no fucking idea what we’re doing and I wish I’d never fucking come …’
Julia did a squealing turn across an intersection.
‘Right,’ she said. ‘We are going back across this state very, very slowly. And if you don’t find it, you’re going to walk in front of the car until you do.’
Ellie was silent for about fifteen seconds.
‘Does this mean I don’t get to say, “We’re not in Kansas any more”?’
‘It’s not funny.’
They drove on in silence, back along the same route they had come, through the identical pounding rain. There didn’t seem to be any signposts for anything. Suddenly Ellie shouted,
‘Shit! Stop the car!’
‘Yeah. Right. Like I am going to take my driving advice off you.’
‘No, no, I mean – Shit! Okay – if you want some idea of where we’re going, why don’t you ask him!?’
They had whizzed past a solitary hitchhiker on the other side of the road, spraying him with water. The hitchhiker had turned round, and Ellie had checked him out through the back mirror.
‘If you think I’m going back for another fucking hitchhiker, you’re even more off your fucking head that I thought you already were,’ said Julia, still white with anger. ‘And that one’s definitely a bloke.’
Ellie turned to look at her.
‘You didn’t read his sign then, did you?’
‘What?’
Nevertheless, Julia slowed the car a little.
‘Believe me. You want to pick up this one. Go back. You have to go back.’
‘Hedge, I can’t go back, we’re on the freeway. What did it say?’
‘Oh, how would I know? I was too busy over here being irresponsible. God, I haven’t even cleaned my teeth for two days.’
Julia slowed to a stop on the hard shoulder.
‘I swear to God, Hedge, if you’re talking bullshit, I’m going to dump you on the road and leave you to fight it out with the hitchhiker.’
‘Fine!’ Ellie started singing ‘Freeway of Love’ softly to herself as Julia made a dangerous and illegal reversal back up the freeway through the rain. She stopped a short distance from the hitchhiker, who ran up as soon as he heard the sound of the car.
Julia peered forward through the car windshield, trying to see through the rain and oncoming dusk. The drenched figure held up its arms and sign apologetically. Julia fumbled at the door and pushed it open, launching herself into the rain. Ellie shook her head and returned to the guidebook.
‘What … what on earth????’
Andrew McCarthy II stood in the gravel at the side of the road laughing his head off. He held up his sign again. It said ‘Looking for Andrew McCarthy’. The black marker had started to run.
‘But what – how – what the hell are you doing here?’
‘Calm down. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’
‘I’m not sure I just haven’t. This kind of thing used to happen all the time in Misty magazine. I’m going to find out later you were killed in Los Angeles at exactly the same time …’
‘Ssh,’ he said, putting his finger to her mouth.
‘But …’
‘There’s only one road into Kansas City,’ he said. ‘Figured you’d be along sooner or later, so I thought it would be funny to come and meet you this way. Of course, I wasn’t planning on a good old Midwestern rain shower. Oh – and you’re going the wrong way.’
‘Yes, sorry, the car … oh, come and sit inside, you’re soaked.’
They dashed to the car.
‘Ellie, look who it is … !’
‘Yes, I saw who it was, thanks. You may remember I pointed it out. Hi Andrew.’
‘Eh, yeah, hi there.’
‘How’s Hatsie?’
‘Fine thanks. Back in therapy.’
‘Oh well, it was nice to see him come out of his shell.’
Andrew smiled. ‘You look different.’
‘Yes, thanks, I’ve stopped peeling off long strands of my skin.’
‘Right. I just couldn’t put my finger on it.’
‘So, umm,’ said Julia, turning round from the wheel as Andrew squeezed his long legs into the minuscule back seat, picking up various greasy wrappers and cardboard coffee containers from Ellie’s side. ‘I just can’t believe you were there. Because we’re lost.’
‘Lost? I thought you were going to Kansas City.’
‘Yes, we were … but we’ve been all round Kansas and …’
‘Ohh.’ Andrew’s eyes sparkled. ‘Ahh. Who thought of that?’
‘The Hedgehog’s idea.’
‘Not at all,’ said Andrew. ‘Mistake anyone could have made. Anyway, it’s about ten miles away from here. And it’s not really in Kansas.’
They both stared at him, open-mouthed.
‘But … but that makes no sense at all,’ stuttered Ellie, finally.
‘Yeah? You’re the ones who measure these things in millibillidecameters.’
‘That’s so STUPID.’ Julia started up the car again, mindful of the encroaching dark and the fact that out there somewhere were very tall policemen with guns.
‘Yeah? But Rhodesia was fine? Look, I’m sorry, calm down, you’re nearly there now. Just you wait until you see their zoo.’
‘Ahem!’ said Ellie. ‘Anyone called Julia want to apologize to me?’
‘I’ve missed you two,’ said Andrew. And although he felt Ellie briefly stroke his right arm, as if by accident, he pretended not to. But he did remember it.
Andrew directed them to a little hotel he’d found, and sure enough it was a hundred times nicer than anywhere they had stayed so far and scarcely more expensive. A large fire burned in the grate in the bar, and once they’d changed out of their wet clothes, they rendezvoused there and sipped large glasses of Jack Daniel’s. The spirit went right through Julia, and she wasn’t sure whether it was that, the fire, the drive, or the proximity of a certain tall, rugged-looking someone that was making her so woozy.
‘I can’t believe we’re going to pick Arthur up on time,’ said Ellie sleepily, examining the menu. ‘Oh wow – it’s weird to see a menu without cheeseburgers on it. I’ve forgotten what else there is to eat.’
‘Or what else there is to wear,’ said Julia, looking pointedly at the fourth day of Ellie’s ‘fat girl’ jeans.
‘I’m sure they’ll make you up a burger if you really want one,’ said Andrew. He was sitting with a large pad and different coloured markers and looked like he actually was going to be working on his film.
‘Green salad please,’ said Ellie grumpily.
‘We’re Not In Kansas City Any More,’ suggested Andrew with a flourish.