by Jenny Colgan
‘We’ve done that today. But I thought the dinosaurs were in Kansas City. That’s the whole point. That’s why they’re eating people there and throwing meteors at them and stuff,’ pointed out Ellie.
‘Good point.’
‘I thought it was good, though,’ said Julia. Andrew smiled at her lazily. Ellie gulped her drink down and decided not to say anything else.
They were the only guests in the hotel, and had dinner served to them on small tables in front of the comfortable armchairs.
‘Ah, how American,’ said Ellie. ‘Now all we need is the forty-inch TV drowning out all possibility of conversation.’
‘Dinosty!’ shouted Andrew suddenly. ‘Hmm. I wonder if I can work in the enormous zoo.’
‘Andrew, stop working for one tiny second,’ said Julia, eyes heavy. ‘Tell me – I mean, us – about yourself.’
‘Well,’ started Andrew, ‘I was born in Northern California, and started surfing before I could walk, pretty much. Then my father moved to Los Angeles and became a lawyer, and as soon as I arrived I realized how much I wanted to be in the movie business, however, ehm, peripherally. So I hung out and went to UCLA and …’
Ellie glanced over at Julia, who after thirty-six hours on the road and four Jack Daniel’s had passed out entirely.
‘Ah,’ she said tactfully. ‘Well, I was enjoying it.’
Andrew looked crestfallen. ‘Oh dear. Well, just as well I never got into any of my fratboy stories. Some of them would knock out a ferret on speed.’
‘I’ll put her to bed,’ said Ellie.
‘Okay … I’ll stay here and keep working. Hmm. Do you think you could have a Kansasaurus?’
‘Nope. Shame they’re not doing it with kangaroos.’
‘It is.’
‘Goodnight,’ said Julia woozily. ‘Oh,’ she said, as they reached the room and Ellie started helping her get undressed. ‘No, hang on … I didn’t want to go to bed yet … I wanted to stay up … I wanted to … this is too early for … God I’m tired.’
‘I know what you wanted,’ said Ellie. ‘Maybe think it over in the morning, eh? Maybe phone Loxy.’
‘Oh God,’ said Julia. ‘Remind me when the having fun part starts again?’
Ellie crept back downstairs and examined Andrew’s fine profile from the hallway.
‘Absolutely not,’ she whispered to herself, but went in anyway.
Andrew looked up and stared straight at her with his clear blue eyes. She smiled.
‘How is she?’
‘Oh, she’s fine. Just knackered, you know. Having to put up with me.’
He smiled. ‘Or me.’
They both looked into the fire.
‘Actually, I’d say it’s probably me,’ said Ellie.
‘Yeah, I would too … just trying to be nice.’
Ellie, too keyed up about his proximity to respond, just smiled.
‘Why do people call you Hedgehog?’ he said, looking at her.
‘Isn’t it obvious?’
‘No – I don’t know what a hedgehog is.’
‘You’re joking.’
‘Nope.’
‘Um … it’s a very beautiful creature … like a mermaid … only with legs.’
‘Oh.’
‘It’s a prickly pig that lives in the countryside.’
‘But you don’t live in the countryside.’
‘Aha ha hah.’
‘Seriously.’
‘Seriously … I don’t know. The world pisses me off a lot.’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t know. It just never turned out quite how I wanted it.’
‘What … covered in gold and naked film stars and Ben and Jerry’s? Or like a John Hughes movie?’
‘You think I’m stupid.’
‘I don’t think you’re stupid. But, you know, the world never turns out the way you want it. I mean, look at me.’ He held up his board. ‘Writing one-liners, not movie scripts.’
‘You could write movie scripts.’
‘Yeah, but I’d need a concentration span of more than fifteen seconds.’
‘Sorry, what did you say? I wasn’t listening.’
He laughed and, casually, pushed a finger through one of Ellie’s curls.
‘I think you and I might have more in common than you think.’
Ellie instantly went puce.
‘Umm …’ She attempted to defuse the situation. ‘Why, what’s your favourite food?’
‘Bananas.’
‘Me too! How many do you think I could eat in one go?’
‘Twelve?’
‘No, double that, easy.’
He smiled. Ellie sighed.
‘Something else we’ve got in common,’ said Ellie. ‘I think we both like my big blonde friend.’
He looked mildly surprised. ‘Julia, you mean?’
‘Uh huh.’
‘Is she single? She’s got settled down written all over her.’
‘Really?’
‘Um, well I don’t want to seem nasty, but yeah. I mean, why does she keep playing with her ring finger every time she talks to a man?’
‘Not all men.’
‘Oh, really?’ He twirled his drink around his glass.
‘She really, really likes you,’ blurted Ellie. ‘Well, you know, in a very cool way …’
‘I like her too. She’s perfectly nice. But I have no wish to get beaten up by one of your skinny, yellow-toothed nautical countrymen, however devious and effete they may appear on celluloid.’
The fire was burning down as Ellie explained the situation.
‘So, you see, if you wanted to have a fling … I wouldn’t rat or anything.’
Andrew stared straight ahead. ‘I don’t think so, do you? Do you really think I’d solve her problem?’
‘Maybe! She might realize how much she loves Loxy.’
‘Oh, that makes me feel really good. Maybe I could be deliberately terrible in bed.’
Ellie looked at his long muscular body and squeezed her eyes tight shut.
‘I think if it’s on a different continent it doesn’t count.’
‘Hmm. No, hang on, we tried that in Vietnam …’
Ellie shrugged.
‘Ehm, Hedgehog … Ellie. Look: I think there are enough lovely things in the world to go round, without having to poach someone else’s, don’t you?’ he said meaningfully, looking at her with those clear blue eyes.
She gulped, but, knowing her history of unfortunate conclusion-jumping in these sets of circumstances, didn’t say anything.
‘What about you? Do you have someone?’
Yikes.
‘Ehm … not as such … well, I’ve kind of got a saxophonist stalker … does that count?’
He shook his head and, slowly, extended his large, smooth hand over hers. Ellie felt herself trembling. The firelight continued to flicker around them as he gradually cupped her face and moved closer to her.
‘I Kansas live … if living was without you …’ he suggested.
‘Ouch,’ said Ellie. Then, ‘Not ouch.’
‘Ah,’ said Loxy, when he came back into the tastefully decorated, Moroccan-influenced sitting room with two full mugs of tea. The rain continued to lash against the windows.
He managed not to drop the tea. ‘Ah,’ he said again. ‘Ah, Siobhan, do you realize that you’re completely naked?’
They kissed powerfully and deeply. Ellie shut her eyes and let her hands revel in his strong shoulders and long back. When they pulled apart, he was coiling her hair around his fingers.
‘Wow,’ he said. ‘Black hair. God! Haven’t seen that in a while. Must be a California thing.’
As if she’d been slapped, Ellie sat back suddenly.
‘Oh my God.’
‘Well, thank you.’
‘No, I mean … I’ve just broken the Girl Code.’
‘Really – will it be okay?’
She looked at his handsome profile outlined in the firelight.
�
��No, I mean … you just don’t get off with someone else’s fancied person. It’s just not allowed.’
‘But she’s engaged. And we’re both single.’
‘That’s not the point. What happens when you and Hatsie both meet someone …’
‘Oh, Hatsie gets all the women. I’m used to it.’
‘You’re joking.’
He touched her lightly on the jaw. ‘Hey,’ he said softly. ‘What about that different continent thing?’
Ellie’s insides turned to water, both from how much she desperately wanted to kiss Andrew and how much she knew she couldn’t let Julia down. Also struggling in the mix was the certain knowledge that Julia, with her smooth blonde hair and air of capability – Pamela Anderson crossed with Delia Smith – had always, always got her first pick of men. This felt like her turn, surely … A million things added up in her mind to justify grabbing that dirty blond hair …
Suddenly the door to the lodge flew open with abandon, and there was a cacophony of screaming and yells. Both of them jumped up guiltily, as fourteen or fifteen teenagers piled into the room, alternately screaming their heads off or barfing like dogs.
‘Good God!’ Ellie gaped at the scene in front of her. The girls all had hair made out of candyfloss, teased to Mr Whippy proportions. Their dresses were pastel colours, with tulle, net, taffeta and nasty fake versions of all three, ruched and low cut. The boys were in mullets and ill-fitting tuxes, with white and pale blue cummerbunds.
‘We’ve been invaded by the Sorbet People!’
‘HOW YOU DOIN’ THERE?!’ hollered one ample young madam, under the misapprehension she was being casually friendly. She was spilling out of what could have been a bridesmaid’s dress (as long as it was a hooker wedding).
‘Aw shit,’ said Andrew. ‘Just our luck. It’s a prom.’
The teenagers were stumbling about, taking noticeably clumsy sips from hip flasks. The restaurant waiter came to the kitchen door, raised his eyebrows and beat a hasty retreat.
‘No, really?’ said Ellie excited. ‘They’ve just come from a prom?’
‘No, in America proms start at eleven at night.’
‘I always wanted a prom.’
‘You’re joking!’
‘You don’t joke about the prom. My God, isn’t it, like the high point of your life?’
‘Tammi-Lee! Tammi-Lee! Are you going to give Chip a handjob or am ah?’
Andrew shrugged. ‘Well, I suspect it may be for Chip,’ he said, as a huge lad with a fat ass ambled off in search of the voice.
‘Oh God … I mean, if you’re not asked to the prom … your life is over.’
Ellie said this with such certainty that Andrew laughed.
‘You know, it’s only the high spot of your life if you never do anything else ever. If you go and work on your father’s feed farm and marry Betty Sue.’
‘Are you talking about my girlfriend, man?’ said a boy in a frilly sky-blue shirt.
‘No, no way.’
‘Okay. Have you got any drugs?’
‘!’ Ellie was shocked.
‘Oh yeah,’ said Andrew, ‘and I forgot to mention; it’s also an excuse for them to get more fucked out of their tits than they ever do before or since.’
One of the girls started taking down her whale-boned top. Ellie hastened over and zipped it back up again.
‘Really?’
‘Oh yeah. It’s just an excuse for everyone to lose their virginity.’
‘Ah, so I see,’ said Ellie, observing four legs making energetic motions behind a sofa.
‘I scarcely remember my prom, I was so drunk.’
‘Yeah? Did you lose your virginity?’
He laughed at her.
‘No, actually. I’ve never met a woman before who does it for me like you do. I was hoping tonight would be the big night …’
‘You’re kidding.’
‘Well, d’uh!’
‘Aw, shit.’ A boy jumped up from a particularly spit-filled and messy snog at the other side of the room. ‘I hate it when you’re necking with some ho, and she throws up on you.’
‘Ooh, me too,’ said Ellie, in fascinated horror. The boy dumped the girl on a chair and headed back into the centre of the room, wiping his mouth and looking for more victims. The girl’s head lolled, and the ugly girl with the thick spectacles and the hairband bustled around and cleaned her up, for something to do.
‘Don’t worry, they’re not normally this awful,’ said Andrew. ‘They get a lot of their teenage ghastliness out of the way all on one night. And you have to admit,’ he said, as one hapless little weedy guy fell full forward over the carpet, landed on the wooden floor and stayed there, twitching like a frog, ‘it’s fun to watch.’
‘If not to smell,’ said Ellie. ‘Oh, I am just so disappointed. I used to dream what I’d wear to my prom – if we had one. And not just a school disco as an excuse for all the boys to sit at one end of the gym and all the girls to sit at the other. We wore Clockhouse. The boys wore their school uniform with their ties taken off. And cuff boots.’ She sighed nostalgically. ‘It was really, really terrible. Really awful. Except when we did “Double Dutch”.’
‘Huh?’ said Andrew.
Ellie looked at the girls’ long, flouncy dresses, so hopefully sexy and demure at the same time, and sighed. ‘This is what I wanted,’ she said, sitting back on the arm of the chair. ‘Well, without the puke. I wanted a proper American prom, with a pink dress, and Andrew McCarthy to take me.’
‘Hey,’ Andrew put his arm around her shoulders. ‘You know, I’m not sure they come without puke.’
‘Might have known,’ said Ellie.
She stood up. ‘I’m sorry. I think I’d better go to bed.’
‘What, and miss Truth or Dare?’
‘It’s late.’
One of the kids in the corner was setting up a stereo.
‘C’mon,’ said Andrew. He picked up a pink throw from the back of the sofa and tied it around her waist. ‘Why don’t you dance with me? Just one dance before you go to bed.’
Ellie laughed and coloured. ‘Do you think they’ve got any Psychedelic Furs?’ She stopped for a second, looking perturbed. ‘Have I just realized this, or is that the worst name for a band of all time?’
Andrew drew her close to him and buried her face in his shoulder.
‘From the country that brought us Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark …’
In the corner the tape recorder started up.
‘FUCK PIGS AND HO’S!!!! FIRE ON THEM AT WILL WITH A MILLION GREAT BIG ENORMOUS GUNS!!!!! …’
Ellie’s face fell in disappointment.
‘Hang on!’ said Andrew. He fought his way through the throng and took something out of his bag. He clicked the tape off, ignoring the howl of the disgruntled teenagers, and replaced it with one of his own. Suddenly there was a very familiar refrain and … yes, it was. The Psychedelic Furs!
Ellie grinned broadly and laid her head on his shoulder.
‘Caroline hum … and it’s humphy-humph humph …’
Andrew chuckled. ‘Wow, you even know all the words!’
Ellie looked up at him in shock.
‘You did this on purpose.’
He laughed. ‘I do everything on purpose. And you are …’ and they both joined in the chorus, ‘Pretty in pink.’
And they stood there swaying in front of the fire,
ignoring the carnage around them, until the song finished and Ellie finally, reluctantly, tore herself away and went to bed.
‘Oh God, I needed that,’ said Julia, stretching her arms above her head. ‘I can’t believe I slept twelve hours.’
‘Hmm.’ Ellie drank her coffee quietly, reflecting that what was the point of doing the decent thing if you couldn’t tell anyone about it because they’d give you a hard time anyway and not listen to you when you tried to explain.
‘This room smells funny,’ said Julia.
‘Teenagers.’
‘Oh, God, I though
t I recognized it. You know, actually, it’s quite sexy. It reminds me of that party …’
‘That Kool and the Gang party! How could I forget? You were wearing your new Poison perfume. Nearly gassed the lot of us like badgers.’
‘That’s what it is,’ said Julia, shaking her head. ‘Bless ’em.’
Andrew came in, looking rather coy. Julia immediately brightened and turned towards him like a sunflower.
‘Hello there! Did you stay up late last night?’
‘Not really,’ said Ellie and Andrew both at the same time. Then they looked at each other, which felt to Ellie, on the sensitive side, as tantamount to admitting extreme guilt – they might as well have said, ‘yes, we went behind your back and did it up against the neo-colonial fireplace.’
At the thought of sex, Ellie realized she didn’t want her grits, which meant she obviously fancied Andrew – she could never eat in front of anyone she liked. She sighed.
‘Not hungry?’ asked Julia, cheerfully. ‘Maybe Hatsie got you pregnant. Maybe that’s what happens when he takes his hat off.’
Ellie grunted and forced down some scrambled egg.
‘So, Andrew … what are you doing today? We have to collect Arthur this afternoon.’
Andrew shrugged, ‘Well, I have to pick up a bit of Missouri scenery to help me out with the slogan …’
‘Oh, you’ve seen the way Ellie map-reads!’
‘Ha ha ha,’ said Ellie, a bit snuffily. ‘I’ll go and pack.’
‘Okay,’ said Julia, pleased to get some Andrew time to herself. ‘Oh, and if you get confused – yours is the stuff strewn all over the floor.’
‘Yes Mom.’
The airport was huge, empty and soulless. Amazingly, they were early. After some awkward, waiting-for-someone-style banter, Julia walked past an international payphone and got a sudden tug of guilt. After all, here she was, flirting with this boy, and who knows … maybe this was completely wrong … maybe Loxy could convince her not to; convince her it was him she really loved.
She excused herself from the others and looped around to a phone well out of sight.
‘Hello?’
‘Um, hi there,’ said Loxy. He sounded extremely taken aback. ‘Ehm, how are you?’
‘I’m fine,’ said Julia. There was a long pause.