Looking for Andrew McCarthy

by Jenny Colgan

  Then he said, coldly, ‘Ehm … great. Well, I’m, you know, just … nothing, really.’

  Julia winced. So. He obviously hadn’t forgiven her for the little Heathrow fiasco.

  ‘Okay,’ she said, forcing levity into her voice. ‘I’ve got to go now. I’ll phone again soon.’

  She peered round the phone. Andrew and Ellie were laughing at something and she suddenly realized that right at this moment she wanted to be where they were.

  ‘Right! Bye then!’ she said abruptly, and put the phone down.

  ‘Okay,’ said Loxy into an empty receiver.

  Loxy put the phone down and slowly removed the hand he had covering Siobhan’s mouth.

  ‘I can’t believe you were going to pick up my phone at this time of night.’

  ‘I could have just popped over on my way home from work.’

  ‘You did just pop over on your way home from work, Siobhan. That’s still weird.’

  Loxy was standing in Julia’s dressing gown, which he’d been wearing since she left. Siobhan was wearing a business suit and high heels, however one of the shoulders of the business suit had been pulled down to show off an extremely expensive bra. Loxy was really starting to worry. He liked Siobhan and everything – actually, he’d tended in the past not to notice Julia’s friends very much – but ever since he’d found her naked in his flat and gently moved her out (after coaxing her back into her clothes), things had gone a bit weird. He suspected she was turning into a bunny boiler.

  ‘I just came round to see if you wanted any supper,’ said Siobhan, tantalizingly waving a bottle of wine.

  ‘No, thank you.’ Loxy rubbed his eyes wearily.

  ‘Okay, sweetheart … do you want me to bring you some breakfast on the way in tomorrow?’

  ‘No, thanks, it’s okay …’

  But she was gone.

  Loxy needed some male advice to help him sort this out. Unfortunately, since devoting his life to Julia, he no longer had quite so many options in that area.

  ‘So, let me get this straight.’ Big Bastard squinted into his pint. ‘Let’s just go over this one more time, because I’m not getting it. Okay. She wants to have sex with you and you’re … not doing it. Sorry mate. I just don’t understand. Explain it again.’

  ‘I love Julia,’ said Loxy desperately. ‘I’m trying to stay faithful.’

  ‘So, what – you think Siobhan might have a really stinking minge or something? Clap?’

  ‘What’s “clap”?’ said Colin.

  ‘It’s what Arthur does when you manage to go three days without wetting the bed,’ said Big Bastard. ‘I mean, mate, really. Why don’t you just shag her? Jules decided to piss off and leave you, didn’t she?’

  ‘Yes, on holiday. I’m not sure that’s a random invitation for me to have a big fuckfest.’

  ‘It might be. Women find it difficult to talk about these things, don’t they?’

  ‘Yes, well I’m sorry Big Bastard, but I still think, “I’m going on holiday,” probably doesn’t mean, “Have a big fuckfest.”’

  ‘Suit yourself,’ said Big Bastard. ‘What’s her address?’

  ‘39 Lavender … why?’

  ‘No reason!’

  ‘She’s gagging for it,’ said Big Bastard quietly to Colin. Colin, eyes wide, nodded, just for a quiet life.

  ‘Do you want me to go round there and have a word with her, mate?’ said Big Bastard, bluffly. ‘Just get her to lay off a bit, yeah?’

  ‘Ehm … I don’t know – do you think that would help?’

  ‘It would help me,’ said Big Bastard. ‘Bloody Carmel chucked me. Honestly. I mean, if you can’t fart in your girlfriend’s bed, where can you fart? And sometimes, when you fart, things just get broken, that’s all.’

  Colin and Loxy regarded him in amazement.

  ‘You know. Anyway, it was only an old vase.’

  ‘You farted and broke a vase?’

  ‘Hey – I thought we were talking about your psychotic nymphomaniac stalker.’

  Loxy got up and got another round in.

  ‘Ehm,’ said Colin, ‘Big Bastard?’

  ‘Uh-huh?’

  ‘What’s our – you know – what’s the rota for cleaning up and things in the flat?’

  Big Bastard put back his head and laughed.

  ‘Okay little one. Here it is. Mondays, you clean everything. Tuesdays you clean everything. And Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. And that way, I refrain from kicking your teeth in on Saturdays, okay?’

  Colin nodded.

  ‘Good. Now go and tell Loxy to get extra pork scratchings.’

  Arthur started in surprise. It had taken him over eighteen hours to get to Kansas City, and, walking unoptimistically through the exit, leaning over his trolley in tiredness, he really hadn’t expected to hear his name screeched out in harsh accents quite different to the soft murmurs that surrounded him. Waving frantically, Ellie and Julia jumped up and down, looking tanned and excitable. They were with a tall, extremely good-looking blond guy. Arthur raised his eyebrows.

  ‘And this is Andrew …’ said Julia rather proprietarily, after the screeching and the hugging and the jumping up and down were finished with.

  ‘Hi,’ said Arthur warily, looking at Julia’s flushed face. There’s trouble, he thought. He eyed Andrew’s muscular physique appreciatively, even though, as soon as he did so, he had a vision of Colin’s beseeching little face.

  Ellie was looking uncharacteristically chirpy.

  ‘Hey, Hedgehog,’ he said, draping an arm around her. ‘How’s the search for enlightenment going?’

  ‘Pretty good actually,’ Ellie said, surprising herself. ‘Arthur, what do you think is worse – school discos or school proms?’

  ‘They both sound equally revolting,’ said Arthur. ‘Why?’

  ‘No, they are,’ she said, sincerely. ‘Good, isn’t it?’

  The four stood around awkwardly as Arthur picked up his baggage. ‘So,’ said Julia enthusiastically. ‘What are we doing now? Enormous zoo?’

  Andrew II shrugged. Arthur looked slightly perturbed. ‘I thought I might … have a very long sleep in the back of a car heading towards NEW YORK? REMEMBER?’

  ‘Oh,’ said Julia, looking anxiously at Andrew II. Ellie managed to resist the urge to do precisely the same thing. ‘Damn it,’ she said to herself. ‘This is going to be tortuous.’ Half of her wanted Andrew to go, get away, to avoid all the complication. The other half wanted him to stay very, very much, as she eyed the long curve of his back.

  ‘Um,’ said Andrew II. He shuffled a bit.

  ‘Guys?’ said Julia desperately. ‘We’re going to stay here for a bit aren’t we?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Arthur sceptically. ‘Where’s the International Transvestite quarter?’

  The awkward silences were gaining ground.

  ‘Well, the Hedgehog wants to press on,’ said Arthur, conscious of trying to make the decisions despite being there fifteen seconds.

  ‘Umm,’ said Ellie.

  Nobody moved.

  ‘Actually,’ said Andrew II finally, and with deliberate carelessness, ‘I haven’t taken a trip to New York in a while. You know, driving it might be rather fun.’

  ‘There you go,’ thought Arthur ruefully, as he saw both the girls’ faces light up, then the expressions being quickly hidden. ‘Bingo.’

  ‘Fantastic!’ said Julia, a little too quickly.

  ‘I’ll just have to phone Hatsie, let him know what I’m doing,’ said Andrew. ‘Last time I went away he tried to freeze himself to death through leaving the chiffon curtains blowing open.’

  ‘It’s lucky that hats keep in eighty per cent of body heat,’ said Ellie.

  ‘… and we live in a place with three hundred and twenty days of sunshine a year,’ agreed Andrew. ‘And then I’ll go and pick up a car. Meet you round the front.’

  ‘We’re going to need another car?’ said Julia disappointedly before she could stop herself.

  A
ndrew looked back at the Toyota. ‘I think so. Unless we can do Honey I Shrunk the American.’

  ‘Okay,’ nodded Ellie and Andrew headed off towards the rental desk. The remaining three stood there looking slightly sheepish.

  ‘So,’ said Arthur. ‘Um, how come I didn’t get to hear about Adonis over there?’

  The girls looked shifty.

  ‘Is he good-looking?’ said Ellie. ‘I hadn’t noticed.’

  ‘Ehm, Arthur …’ said Julia, carefully. ‘Do you feel like doing a bit of driving? Only I’ve been going for days and …’

  Ellie saw where this was going immediately.

  ‘Oh, but you must be exhausted,’ she said to Arthur.

  ‘I am,’ said Arthur.

  ‘Well, you two go in one car and I’ll go with Andrew in the other so you can stretch out.’

  ‘But –!!’ said Julia crossly. She gave Ellie a quick Paddington Bear. Surely they’d already got this sorted out. Ellie looked at the ceiling insouciantly.

  They moved out across the concourse and stood on the kerb, waiting for the car.

  ‘Andrew’s car will probably be bigger,’ said Julia, making a lunge for the lesser of two evils. ‘Arthur could stretch out in that and the Hedgehog could come with me. The seat’s moulded to the shape of your arse anyway.’

  ‘Oh, I’m sick of us,’ moaned Ellie.

  ‘Actually,’ said Arthur. ‘Jules, you probably should come with me. I need to talk to you about Loxy.’

  ‘What about Loxy?’ Julia said hotly, as a gleaming silver Thunderbird drew up. They all ignored it at first, not used to being connected to such lovely cars.

  ‘Who’s Loxy?’ said Andrew II casually, leaning out of the open window of the beautiful machine.

  Julia was momentarily dumbstruck, and Ellie took the opportunity to run round to the other side of the Thunderbird and hop in, waving.

  Big

  Big Bastard swallowed hard and tugged at the tight collar round his big pink neck before ringing the bell. There was a long silence. He let the drips from the porch roof hit him on the head. Finally, he heard tentative footsteps on the stairs and a pale, washed out-looking Siobhan put her head round the door. She squinted at him for a long time. It was a grey and dreary evening.

  ‘Uh … hello,’ said Big Bastard.

  She stared at him. ‘Big Bastard? … Are those new sweat patches or are you just pleased to see me?’

  ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘For why?’

  ‘Ehm … I need to talk to you about Loxy.’

  ‘Oh, thank God for that.’ Siobhan opened the door. ‘For a moment I thought you’d come round on the off-chance of a shag.’

  Big Bastard stuffed the box of Terry’s All Gold back into his inside pocket.

  ‘Ehm … About Last Night,’ said Ellie, once they had finally hit the open road and she’d found a radio station that was playing ‘Everybody Wants to Rule the World’.

  ‘Changed your mind?’ said Andrew with a grin.

  ‘No,’ said Ellie, staring at her hands. It had been easy to tell Billy to fuck off, because she’d wanted him to. Having to do it now with Andrew, purely out of altruism, was a complete pain in the bum.

  ‘I didn’t … I wanted to apologize.’

  ‘For letting me come onto you?’

  ‘No … yes … not sure.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Andrew. He attempted to look unperturbed, but his face took on a fixed expression.

  ‘Sure. You’re not going to sue me for sexual harassment are you? That’s pretty normal in this country.’

  ‘That’s because it’s mad,’ said Ellie, looking at his tousled hair.

  ‘We’re mad? You’re the ones that get four teams in the soccer world cup.’

  They sat for a while staring ahead. Then he grinned at her and put his hand on her leg. She let it lie there.

  ‘Oh, I think I’ve got your catch-phrase,’ said Ellie suddenly, smiling.

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘“Missouring you already”.’

  He smiled back at her then, turned up the radio and put the hood down, so that their hair blew back in the wind and they couldn’t hear each other speak as they sped through the endless golden cornfields of the Midwest, looking, Ellie thought in a pleased, private way, as much like ‘Footloose’ as she’d probably ever get.

  ‘God, look at those two,’ snorted Julia jealously, trying to see round the accumulated mound of luggage and junk that was cluttering up the tiny Toyota as it puttered along. The only way they were keeping up with the others was that Ellie and Andrew had to stop for petrol every fifteen minutes. Arthur had fallen asleep the second he had sat down.

  ‘Who does she think she is: Lori Singer?’

  ‘Huh?’ said Arthur, snoozily. ‘Oh … the boat’s just come through the field – hello headmaster!’

  ‘Arthur,’ said Julia crossly. ‘What was it you were going to tell me about Loxy?’

  Arthur considered pretending to be asleep a little longer but decided not to prolong the agony.

  He struggled up from his sunken position.

  ‘Oh. Yeah,’ he said. ‘Well, it’s more Siobhan, actually.’

  And he told her what Siobhan had told him on the way to the airport. Julia listened without saying anything, although her grip tightened perceptibly on the steering wheel.

  ‘Uh huh,’ she said, when he had finished.

  Arthur looked at her and crinkled up his nose.

  ‘Well?’

  She tutted. ‘Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Arthur,’ she said finally. ‘Loxy would never cheat on me. It’s just not in his genes. Or his trousers. I feel more sorry for Siobhan, really.’

  ‘Just out of interest,’ said Arthur. ‘How would you feel if anything happened?’

  Julia shrugged, her mind completely and totally made up. ‘It couldn’t.’

  Loxy was taking a walk past Julia’s house. He had a key, but he didn’t feel like going in – it felt too much like snooping. He gazed up at the carefully curtained windows and sighed. He needed something – some kind of sign. After all, if everything was fine why had she made just one desultory phone call? She’d hardly wanted to chat, even if he wasn’t exactly in a perfect position. Not a letter, not even a postcard. He wasn’t looking forward to her coming home. If only there was some way he could get in touch with her, show her how much she meant to him.

  He got a brief image, suddenly, of Siobhan’s pale left breast exposed underneath her business suit, and the combative look she’d worn.

  ‘So?’ said Siobhan, briskly.

  Big Bastard rubbed the back of his neck. Really, he couldn’t stand relationship things. However he realized his chances of getting a shag in were directly in proportion to how tactful he could be.

  ‘You know Loxy, right?’

  ‘Yes, I think I know who you mean.’

  ‘He says, right …’ he grappled for the right words. ‘He reckons, right, that you’re not leaving him alone and you’re turning into a bit of a Bunny Boiler.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘You know … a kind of hungry minge-type maniac.’

  ‘A hungry minge-type maniac.’ Siobhan repeated slowly. ‘Ah, the language of love.’

  ‘So he says, right, could you leave his chocolate soldier alone.’

  ‘His what?’

  ‘You know. His knob.’

  ‘He has sent you to tell me that I’m bothering his knob?’

  ‘Eh … yeah, kind of.’

  Siobhan slumped down in the corner of the room. ‘Great. Just when I think my life can’t get any worse I find out that “worse” was a breeze compared to this. The day Patrick left me was, I now realize, a free day out at Alton Towers.’

  ‘So you really were bothering his knob then?’

  ‘Big Bastard, you couldn’t possibly understand. And please take your hands out of your pockets while you’re talking to me.’

  ‘I might understand,’ Big Bastard sat down next to her in the corner. ‘Di
d you really get naked in his house?’

  ‘Oh Christ!’ said Siobhan. ‘I can’t believe he told you that. He’s not even a gentleman.’

  ‘Did you REALLY?’ said Big Bastard. ‘He never said a thing, I was just making a stab in the dark. Fucking brilliant. Were you completely naked, or were you wearing, like, boots?’

  Colin was sitting in the flat watching the phone ring. Eventually, when it wouldn’t stop – every time the ansaphone clicked in, the phone was put down, then it immediately started ringing again – he edged closer and closer to it, and finally picked it up.

  ‘Hello?’ he piped, nervously.

  ‘Can I speak to Miss Ellie Eversholt,’ said an officious voice.

  ‘Um … she’s not here at the moment – can I take a message?’

  ‘No … no you can’t take a message …’

  ‘Biggest Pig in the World!’ shouted Arthur sitting bolt upright out of his latest doze.

  He had spent most of his first twenty-four hours in America unconscious, having sleepwalked to his room as soon as they had stopped at a motel the previous evening.

  Julia, on the other hand, hadn’t let Ellie and Andrew out of her sight, so they had been an uneasy threesome until they had all given up on their various agendas and gone (separately) to bed.

  ‘Oh God – can’t you get a dummy or something?’ she said now, disgruntledly, from the front, where she’d been having to listen to ‘Take My Breath Away’ very quietly.

  ‘No, no, I’m awake,’ said Arthur, pointing to a big hand-painted sign. ‘Look – Frosty. The biggest pig in the world. He’s on display at the Indiana State Fair. We have to go.’

  ‘Don’t be silly Arthur,’ said Julia patiently. ‘We’re not going to see the biggest pig in the world.’

  ‘The biggest,’ said Arthur. ‘We could send Big Bastard a postcard from his relatives.’

  ‘No!’ said Julia.

  From behind them, though, came a frantic honking. It was Ellie, clearly mouthing ‘Biggest Pig in the World!’ Andrew shot Julia a resigned look as the Thunderbird drew alongside them and both cars pulled over.