Looking for Andrew McCarthy

by Jenny Colgan

‘WHAT!?’ said Julia. They stared at the vehicle in front. Then Julia started honking the horn.

  ‘What are they honking the horn at us for?’ said Ellie innocently, examining the dashboard and trying to work out where the stop/go buttons were. She’d heard American driving was a piece of piss.

  ‘Okay,’ she said, spotting the keys. ‘You’re about to experience a real driver.’

  ‘You’re sure your definition of “real” doesn’t mean “profoundly nasty”?’ said Andrew II. ‘Like “realpolitik”.’

  ‘Now, let’s see … mirror, signal, manoeuvre …’

  ‘Oh Christ,’ said Julia, continuing to honk madly.

  ‘I can’t believe this. How can he be letting her do this? She’s going to kill them both!’

  Ellie moved relatively smoothly into the left hand lane.

  ‘Nothing to it!’ she breezed. ‘No wonder you can pass your test here just by remembering what colour your car is.’

  ‘Hedgehog, why don’t you get out of the passing lane?’ said Andrew.

  ‘The what?’

  ‘The fast lane. Let’s just get out of this particular lane.’

  ‘Okey dokey,’ said Ellie, squealing over to the right. ‘Oh, look. Thirty miles an hour!’

  ‘You can probably go a little bit faster than this.’

  ‘I’ve never been this fast before.’

  He looked at her then.

  ‘You do … you do have your driver’s licence don’t you?’

  ‘Ish,’ said Ellie.

  Andrew closed his eyes.

  ‘Don’t shut your eyes! I’m relying on you to tell me where we’re going.’

  ‘Oh God,’ he said.

  ‘Kids in American movies drive all the time,’ said Ellie. ‘It’s clearly easy.’ The car jumped a couple of times, but continued lurching on.

  ‘Fuck,’ said Andrew, putting his head in his hands.

  ‘Okay. Keep calm. And KEEP IN A STRAIGHT LINE! Okay. Between those two lines. You know, you only have to constantly move your hands on the steering wheel like that if you’re a cartoon character. Right.’ He took a deep breath. ‘We’re going to come slowly into the side of the road. SLOWLY!’

  ‘I’m doing fine!’ said Ellie.

  ‘SLOWER!’

  The Toyota veered beside them on the narrow lane.

  ‘SHE CAN’T DRIVE,’ screamed Julia out of the open window.

  ‘I KNOW!’ said Andrew. ‘I’M TRYING TO GET HER TO STOP.’

  ‘I’m fine!’ said Ellie.

  The massed hysterical shouting from the other three convinced her that perhaps she wasn’t. Not only that, but there was a nasty big hill coming up ahead and her hand was flailing around, looking for a gearstick.

  ‘Okay, maybe I will stop!’ said Ellie. She inadvertently hit the accelerator.

  ‘Oh Shit!’ she yelled as the two cars veered dangerously close together.

  Police Constable Saria Millstone was feeling stupid. She wasn’t used to feeling stupid, she was used to feeling pretty damn cool as long as she had her uniform on, but this was just dumb. She had tried phoning Andrew McCarthy’s agents in Los Angeles several times, only to be constantly put on hold and made to feel pretty foolish, particularly when she attempted to describe who she was looking for.

  ‘We don’t represent a Miss Eversholt,’ she had already heard several times.

  ‘I know that,’ she had patiently tried to explain. ‘I need to speak to Andrew McCarthy.’

  ‘What would that be in connection with?’

  ‘I need to know if he’s come in contact with a Ellie Eversholt.’

  ‘We don’t represent a Miss Eversholt, ma’am.’

  She knew she should let Interpol or the consulate deal with this, but there was a little teenaged foolish part of her which couldn’t help hoping against hope that she’d be put through to him and he wouldn’t be able to resist an English accent and … she sighed at her own stupidity and looked at her dumpy figure in the mirror.

  ‘Stop being such an idiot,’ she said to herself.

  She was going to hand this over immediately. Just as soon as … she suddenly thought of something, and took herself off to the reference library.

  A huge lorry appeared over the brow of the hill. It was taller than a double-decker bus. Julia was still leaning halfway out the window, with one hand on the wheel, trying to flag Ellie and Andrew over. Andrew started screaming at her to get back in – they were taking up both sides of the road – but with all the shouting, the general cacophony was too loud to let individual voices be heard.

  When it happened, it happened very quickly. Ellie saw the truck and lost all power of movement.

  ‘Shit! Groundhog day,’ she thought, staring at the massive load bearing down on them and instinctively letting go of the steering wheel.

  Arthur flailed over and grabbed Julia back from the window, in time for her to see the danger and brake back down behind the Thunderbird.

  Andrew II leaned across Ellie in the rapidly drifting car and tried to seize the steering wheel. There was suddenly a deadly silence, then an almighty crump.

  ‘Hello there,’ said the stewardess. ‘Would you like a colouring-in pack?’

  ‘No,’ said Colin seriously. ‘We’re going to find some very sad friends of ours.’

  ‘He’s fine,’ said Loxy anxiously. ‘Just coffee will be fine. Decaff for him if you’ve got it.’

  ‘No problem,’ said the stewardess. ‘Is this your first time flying?’

  ‘Yes!’ said Colin. ‘I think it’s great.’

  ‘Well, maybe later on you’d like to come up to the cockpit and meet the captain?’

  Colin turned to Loxy, his eyes shining. Given the gravity of their mission, Loxy was inclined to say no, but he had always longed to see it anyway.

  ‘You never know, we might be able to see them on the ground from up here,’ said Colin.

  ‘You never know,’ said Loxy.

  ‘HHOOONNNNNKKKKKKKKK!’ The truck let out an almighty blow of its steam horn and passed on its way without stopping.

  ‘Bloody hell!’ Julia said. The Toyota had come to a stop ahead of the Thunderbird. She was white and shaking.

  ‘Oh God. Oh God. Oh God,’ Arthur was muttering under his breath. They instinctively gripped hands, then very slowly got out of the car to see what was waiting for them on the road behind them.

  The Thunderbird had crumpled some of its gleaming front bonnet into a tree by the side of the road, but it was still upright. Inside, belted in but wild-eyed were Ellie and Andrew, seemingly all in one piece.

  ‘Christ!’Julia flew over to them. ‘Is everyone okay?’

  ‘Uh huh,’ said Ellie very slowly. ‘Uh oh.’

  ‘Uh oh is right,’ said Julia, glaring at her.

  Arthur put his arm around Julia. ‘Umm, also, I think you should get out of the car before it explodes.’

  Ellie and Andrew fumbled with the buttons on the doors for a nightmare few seconds until they could throw themselves out onto the grass verge.

  ‘Is it going to explode?’ said Ellie, scrambling down the bank.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Arthur. ‘They always do in films.’

  From a vantage point of twenty feet away they all crouched, watching the car, which appeared disinclined to burst into flame.

  Ellie stared at the ground, white and shaking. Nobody put an arm around her.

  ‘Congratulations,’ said Julia, her voice cold and furious. ‘I thought you’d fucked this trip up before. But now you’ve managed it properly.’

  Police Constable Millstone leaned over the telephone, still feeling absolutely ridiculous. They taught you how to brush off abuse at Hendon. But they didn’t tell you what to do if you were the one making yourself feel a prat. Checking there was no-one close by in the open-plan office, she started to dial 9 … 00 … 1 … 562 …

  ‘It looked easy in the films!’ Ellie was yelling.

  ‘EVERYTHING looks easy in the films. You stupid, stupid
girl! You could have killed all of us!’

  ‘I’m SORRY okay? I thought …’

  ‘You didn’t think anything,’ hollered Julia. ‘You never do. That’s why we’re all here on this ridiculous wild goose chase.’

  ‘I had been thinking actually,’ said Ellie, petulantly. ‘I was giving it all up to try and make you happy.’

  ‘By crashing a car. I see.’

  ‘NO. I was … I was going to give up this quest actually and try and make everyone have a good time.’

  Julia looked at her.

  ‘Yeah right.’

  Then she said something under her breath.

  ‘What did you say?’ asked Ellie dangerously.

  ‘Nothing.’ Arthur started forward protectively.

  ‘WHAT DID YOU SAY?’

  ‘I SAID, WE’RE JUST ALL SICK OF HAVING TO MOTHER YOU, OKAY?’

  There was a terrible deadly silence. Ellie turned and ran off into the trees. The others followed more slowly.

  ‘I didn’t mean to say that,’ said Julia sulkily. Arthur shot her a sharp look.

  ‘Are you the actor Andrew McCarthy?’ the voice asked. It was sensible-sounding, although he thought he detected a bit of a wobble.

  ‘Ngnff,’ said Hatsie, warily. Whoever this was, it wasn’t someone that knew enough about showbiz to go through his agents.

  ‘Do you know where I might be able to find that actor?’

  ‘Just because they have the same name?’ thought Hatsie.

  ‘I’m sorry Sir. I’m phoning from the Metropolitan Police in London and we’re trying to follow up some leads to find …’

  ‘Ellie unghf Julia.’

  The voice was beyond surprised.

  ‘You’ve met Ellie Eversholt, Sir?’

  ‘Nuh huh. Nofor ghel truF?’

  ‘No Sir, she’s not in any trouble. We just have to find her, that’s all. We just need to, to contact them about a situation back here at home.’

  With difficulty, Hatsie managed to communicate as much as he knew about the duo’s intended path.

  Officer Millstone spoke to her superior.

  ‘Sir, we’ve got leads.’

  ‘Okay, inform the FBI. Christ, I can’t believe there’s this much fuss for one missing person.’

  ‘She’s the only living kin Sir.’

  ‘Hmpf.’ He thought about this for a second. ‘Well, it’s going to help our figures, I suppose.’

  ‘Yes Sir.’

  ‘Well done.’

  ‘I’d still better warn the actor, Sir. Just in case we miss her.’

  Ellie sat on a tree stump, shaking furiously. Of everything, this was the most unforgivable. Of course, she had been stupid thinking she could drive the car – although she genuinely had thought it would be easy – but they were never going to believe now that after her pig epiphany she had been planning on turning over a new leaf. They would, in fact, think she’d bumped her head in the crash.

  Julia was feeling equally terrible. Of course she must have been partly in shock to say such an awful thing but, she suspected, there might be just a tad of jealousy mixed in there …

  ‘I’m sooo sorry,’ she said as she approached. ‘Hedgehog, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.’

  Ellie turned, in tears. ‘But I’m trying to be a grown-up. Why do you think I’m out here? I’m trying to find out how to do things properly and not cock things up. I’d even decided to go back and look after my dad and everything. Then sometimes I just do stupid things to fuck it up, but I did think it would be okay.’

  ‘Nobody’s hurt,’ said Julia. ‘It could have been funny really.’

  ‘Not really,’ said Ellie.

  ‘Well, okay, not funny as such. But it’s okay.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Ellie.

  ‘No, I am,’ said Julia. ‘I’ve been a cow. I’m sorry.’

  Ellie stood up and they embraced for a long time.

  ‘So … you and Andrew eh?’ said Julia gruffly, pulling apart. ‘That’s … great.’

  Ellie stared at her like she was daft.

  ‘But I was leaving him for you!’ she said. ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to explain! You can have him: I was going to be far too grown-up to let him come between our friendship!’

  Andrew II pushed himself off the trunk he’d been leaning against.

  ‘What?’ he said. The girls had completely forgotten he was there.

  ‘WHAT?’ he said again. ‘So I’m … I’m some kind of competition to you?’

  His blue eyes were flashing. He was clearly furious.

  ‘No,’ said Ellie in a small voice.

  ‘Jesus. I thought you were different, you know, interesting. Not fucking whacko.’

  He surveyed the two of them.

  ‘Some kind of spot the foreigner competition. Little “shagging” of the locals? Well, I’m in no particular mood to be colonized today, okay? And if the car’s all right, I’m going to – what the hell is it you bloody British say – bid you fine ladies “bye-bye”.’

  And he stormed furiously off.

  Police Constable Saria Millstone was feeling odd – i.e. she’d acted on a completely dumb idea but something good had come of it. Now, however, she was stuck back on the phone to the agency in California.

  After being put on hold for the ninth time, she was amazed finally to hear a voice on the other end of the line. Of course, it was only voicemail. She stared at her reflection in the partition once again and admitted to herself that perhaps Andrew McCarthy wasn’t going to fall in love with her over the phone after all.

  ‘Hello – this is Police Constable Millstone from the Metropolitan Police in London. We have reason to believe that there are two women, Ellie Eversholt and Julia Denford, who are trying to contact your client, Andrew McCarthy. It is imperative if your client comes across these women that you contact us immediately. My number is 01 44 20 7555 7628 … thank you.’

  She replaced the phone, thinking, one, those fancy LA folks are going to completely ignore that, and two, dammit, dammit, dammit. She wished she were looking for him too.

  It was bad luck that Andrew McCarthy’s agent was on holiday. And that the messages were being picked up by the temp. Who was on her first placement in a legitimate film business operation ever since coming to LA to try and make it in the dog grooming world after seeing The Accidental Tourist as a child.

  ‘Oh my GAWD,’ she squealed, then listened to the message for the third time. Then she pressed through to her supervisor.

  ‘Marcia?’ she breathed. ‘I think we got ourselves a stalker situation!’

  ‘Great,’ said Marcia. ‘This is going to make him such hot property!’

  Ellie sat back down on the tree stump and burst into tears as they heard the Thunderbird sputter a little, then head off into the distance.

  Arthur was freaked. Two crazy women on his hands, one car and night was drawing in. He sighed and decided that for the rest of the trip they were going to concentrate on hot baths, cocktails and not a hell of a lot else.

  ‘Come on,’ he said, to no-one in particular. ‘Pull yourself together.’

  ‘No way,’ said Loxy. ‘This is not happening.’

  ‘It’s the only place I can afford,’ whined Colin. ‘I don’t care. I’m absolutely not staying there.’

  ‘Are you going to leave me?’ said Colin, widening his eyes.

  ‘Look, for Christ’s sake … I’m sure we’d be able to find a cheap hotel.’

  ‘Ain’t no cheap hotels in New Yoik,’ said the cab driver, chuckling.

  ‘Oh, for fuck’s sake.’

  Loxy stared fiercely out of the window as the cab drew to a halt.

  ‘Here you go, gennlemen. The YMCA.’

  ‘You can get a good meal,’ he added, cheerfully.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Julia, again.

  ‘No, I am,’ said Ellie, sniffing mightily.

  I love you,’ said Julia.

  ‘I love you too,’ said Ellie. Arthur joine
d them for a group hug.

  ‘Just as well,’ he said over Ellie’s shoulder, ‘Because here come the police.’

  The cops were circling the vehicle, kicking the tyres. When they saw three tear-stained and grubby-looking people hanging around the trees, they straightened up and looked suspicious.

  ‘Great big guns!’ whispered Ellie, squeezing Julia’s hand. Julia squeezed back.

  ‘Is this your vehicle?’

  Arthur bit back the urge to say no, they’d just hiked a thousand miles through the woods in sandshoes.

  ‘Yes,’ they said.

  ‘It shouldn’t be stopped here. Could you step over to the vehicle please?’

  ‘Strip search!’ whispered Julia in horror. One member of the party, who shall remain nameless, experienced a quick flash of sexiness momentarily overtaking their fear.

  ‘Who is the driver of this vehicle?’

  ‘Should I be grown-up and explain everything?’ said Ellie, dropping both their hands and heading out of the trees.

  ‘NO!’ said Julia and Arthur in a loud whisper simultaneously. ‘Not that we don’t trust you,’ added Julia.

  ‘We just don’t trust you not to go to prison,’ said Arthur. He held on tightly to Ellie.

  ‘It’s me, Officer,’ said Julia, leaving them behind. She went up and stood squarely in front of them.

  ‘Okay,’ said the taller of the two officers, who looked to have a slight squint. ‘I’m Officer Frog. And this is also Officer Frog. We’re brothers,’ he added quickly.

  Ellie’s eyes widened. Even in her emotional state – particularly in her emotional state – Arthur had to pinch her hard to stop her from breaking out in hysterics.

  ‘Can we see your licence and registration, m’am?’

  Julia opened the door and fumbled in the glove compartment.

  ‘Have you any idea how dangerous it is to be stopped here?’

  ‘Sorry … it was an accident. We thought we saw an animal on the road …’