Cold Piece of Work: The Erotic Adventures of A Single Woman

by Niki Jilvontae

  “Well Ms. Anderson, again I am sorry to have kept you waiting, but I am sure I will make up for that time. Now, I see from your appointment file, you wanted to talk about a possible addiction.” He said as he shifted through the papers in front of him.

  “Yes, that’s right.” I said as I watched the way his Adam’s apple moved when he looked up and talked to me.

  All I could do was think about how he had such a sexy, strong neck as I watched him go back to the papers and my pussy began to throb again. I shifted in my seat and cleared my mind to stop that desire inside and focus my attention on the task at hand. That was hard as hell too.

  “Okay, so Yasmine. I’ve gathered a little information about you from your call in and from my secretary’s observation, but now I need to hear something from you. Tell me what led you here today? Why do you think you have a sex addiction?” Dr. Carrington asked and I almost laughed in his face.

  I wanted to yell out that I knew I had a sex addiction, because every time I saw a fine ass man my pussy throbbed and I had to have him. I wanted to scream I knew I had a sex addiction because I had no real judgment when it came to sex and I’d fuck wherever the urge happened to arise. I wanted to yell it out just like that as I sat there and stared at his sexy face, but I just told him my story instead. I went through every last detail of my life since Alvin left me and didn’t leave out one single fact. As I talked, Dr. Carrington sat there with a serene look on his face and his arms folded across his desk. When I was done I felt emotionally drained as I asked Dr. Carrington what he thought.

  “So, after hearing all of that, what do you think? DO I have a sexual addition Dr. Carrington?” I asked as he sat back in his desk.

  I waited as he thought about his response cautiously before he spoke.

  “Yasmine, the answer to that question is complex. Do I think there is something going on with you emotionally that causes you to seek physical attention and love from anyone who will give it to you, specifically men? Yes! Do I think you have a sexual addiction per say? I’m not so sure. My dear, I think what is going on with you goes deeper than sex and that’s what I want to explore today. Now, when you were talking, you talked about an encounter as a girl with an older cousin. I think that may be a contributing factor to your behavior. SO I need to ask you, who was your protector back then? Who, other than your mother who was outside of the home providing for you, was there when you needed them? Where was your father Yasmine? Uncles? Grandfather maybe?” Dr. Carrington asked as my body suddenly tensed up and I turned away from him.

  I didn’t know why, but the subject of my father and grandfather had always been a sore subject with me since I couldn’t really remember either of them. I could remember once I asked my mother where my father had gone and she forbid me from that conversation again. After that, I figured they had done something horrible since she wouldn’t say and I pushed them out of my mind. I buried them in that hole in my heart like every other memory and I didn’t want to bring them up. Dr. Carrington could see the resistance in my body language so he quickly changed the subject as he gave me information on addiction and what it, along with personal trauma can do to human behaviors. I found a lot of what he said informative and a lot of it made me realize that my problem was deep. However, I couldn’t help but to let my mind drift back to his questions as he talked.

  “Yasmine, so do you understand? I’m here to help you find the core of your problem, accept it, and move forward. We can’t do that if you resist. So can I ask you again what you remember about your father and grandfather?” He said as I felt that anxiety build again.

  I looked at Dr. Carrington as he sat back and waited on my answer, but I didn’t have one to give. I didn’t want to talk about that at the moment and wasn’t even sure I could if I wanted to. All I wanted was for that session to end at that moment, so I did what I did best and that was find a way to flee. I looked at the watch on my arm and saw that we were in the last five minutes of the session so I felt relieved. I quickly jumped up and grabbed my purse and headed straight to the door as he followed. When I got to the door I opened it quickly and stepped out before I turned to say goodbye. Dr. Carrington was right behind me when I turned around with that big, warm smile and big dimples that almost made me stay.

  “I’m sorry Dr. Carrington but I have to go. It’s the last five minutes anyway. I will see you Monday right?” I said as I shook his hand and that throb came back again

  “Yes, Yasmine I will see you Monday. Maybe then you will let me in, then we can move forward and you can get better. I’ll go a little slower in my questions and you will go a little deeper in your answers? Okay? Think about everything that was said today and when you come back we will both be better. Is that a deal?” Dr. Carrington asked and I agreed before I walked off.

  I got my ass out of that building fast as I took the elevator back down to the ground floor from level 6 and made my way to the parking garage. As soon as I was in the car all of the sexual tension and anxiety I had burst forward and I found myself with my hand in my wetness. I touched, stroked, and massaged my clit for minutes until that euphoria I chased hit me hard in the front seat of my car and my body shook violently. When it was over I sat there and sobbed for a minute as I thought about how Dr. Carrington was right.

  “Your issues do go deeper than sex with men Yass.” I said to myself as I looked in the rearview mirror while I wiped my hands with a baby wipe.

  I drove home in deep thought as I tried to search my memories locked inside. For the four days that followed I did the same thing, but I couldn’t see what I needed to. By the time I scrolled into Dr. Carrington’s office that Monday for my second visit, I was afraid the memory I needed to see would never be found. I worried that I was one of those people that could never be fixed.

  “Maybe my memories aren’t meant to be remembered.” I told Dr. Carrington as we sat in his office that day.

  After I said that he sat back with a very confident look on his face and crossed his legs.

  “Maybe you just don’t want to Yasmine. Take me back in your mind to that time before your mom worked so much and y’all were always together having fun. Who was there with you all? You have to remember. You told me last time that when you were a very little girl you remember going to the beach every summer. Who was with you at the beach Yasmine?” Dr Carrington asked forcefully and I suddenly got an eerie feeling that made me light headed.

  I had to close my eyes and sit back in my seat to let the feeling pass as my mind shifted back to a memory left undiscovered. Suddenly I saw the father who was never talked about as he played with me on the warm, soft sand. I saw his handsome face as he smiled at me warmly and told me how much he loved me and would always protect me. I remembered the entire day of fun with him and the long ride home I spent with my head in his lap and my legs on my mom. I suddenly remembered it all even the horrible screams in my ears when we got home and found out my grandfather was killed. I could see my mother on the ground as she cried about her dad and two of the police officers who waited on us when we got there trying to pick her up. I also remembered the broken feeling in my heart when I saw the officers put my father in handcuffs and say that he was going to jail for my grandfather’s murder. I remembered every detail, even how I cried and threw up all over myself in an officer’s arms.

  I fought to break the memory as all the emotions I remembered consumed me and tears rolled down my cheeks. I opened my eyes but I still felt trapped in my mind as the memories continued to play.

  “Don’t fight it Yasmine, remember. Remember it all so that you can let it go.” Dr. Carrington encouraged before he got up and walked around his desk to sit next to me.

  I shook my head no as my tears continued to fall and he grabbed my hand to encourage me.

  “Remember so you can be free Yasmine.” He whispered before he leaned over to close my eyes with his fingers.

  As soon as he did that I was trapped in my mind again as I saw the aftermath of it all. I saw
my mother as she fell apart and I drifted out into the streets. I remembered all the court dates I had to miss school for in reference to my father’s trial. I remembered the visit we had the day before trial when I told him I hated him for how he hurt my mama. I remembered it all in vivid detail, even how I explained what my grandfather would do to me to the court. As a little girl I sat there and told them everything about how my grandfather had touched me since I was born.

  Tears streamed down my face as my body shook as I remembered the way I felt as I talked about the day he penetrated me; and suddenly I had enough. I snapped my eyes open as my emotions overpowered me and I cried my heart out.

  “That’s it right there Yasmine. You did it. In two sessions you have done what it takes years for others to do. You found the core Yasmine. That day your grandfather touched you for the first time this behavior began. You began to associate love with physical touch and not the good kind. Then when your father found out and killed your grandfather, you lost the best and worst of your life. That loss propelled you into this toxic cycle of jumping into the bed with any man you could find. In all reality you were only trying to fill that void that losing your father brought on while filling that hole that your grandfather and cousin dug deeper. It all boils down to you needing someone to love and care for you and never leave you like Alvin did. Right? Dr. Carrington asked me as I continued to cry.

  I shook my head yes to let him know he had read my life like he read my mind and he continued what he had to say.

  “That’s exactly what I thought. That is the thought process that had had you trapped in a cycle of lusting after men you find attractive and sleeping with them to fill that void. That urge in you may feel physical but it isn’t Yasmine. What you really seek isn’t one night stands. You really don’t believe in that nut or buck philosophy. No, Yasmine just wants to be loved but in order for Yasmine to be loved, she must love herself. Love yourself and know that you didn’t deserve anything that happened to you. Love yourself and know that you deserve happiness and that one special someone who will never leave you. You deserve it Yasmine and you will get it, but first you have to understand you. Now, what I want you to do before our next session is write three letters. I want you to write one letter to your father and release all those feeling you had when he went away. Write one to your grandfather and tell him how he hurt you and how you forgive him, and lastly write one to your cousin and tell him how he misused your trust and love. Write them all and put all your emotions, anxiety, and fear into the pages then burn them and let it fly away. Release all of that into the wind because in our last session before you transfer to Nashville, we will begin healing. Can you do that Yasmine?” Dr. Carrington asked as my tears suddenly stopped and I wiped the ones that remained with the back of my hand.

  I felt a little lighter as I agreed that I could and Dr. Carrington ended our session. I felt stronger and didn’t even notice the throb as I walked towards the door.

  “Now, I think I can get better Dr. Carrington. At first I wasn’t so sure, but now I am confident. I feel like I can do anything.” I said as he smiled at me warmly before he shook my hand.

  “I agree Yasmine, you can and I know you will Ms. Super Lawyer. Now don’t forget your homework and no sex, right? Dr. Carrington asked as I walked past the secretary’s desk before I stopped to turn and look at him.

  “It hasn’t crossed my mind.” I said to Dr. Carrington as he smiled and I walked out towards the elevators with a renewed hope.

  I was happy I didn’t have to lie to him when I said it didn’t cross my mind, because since my discovery it hadn’t. I drove home in a happy placed and I stayed that way. I boxed up my house before I wrote my letters and on Wednesday I went on the river to burn them before I released it all into the air. At my last meeting with Dr. Carrington before my big move, I walked in ten times better than I had arrived. Gone was the throb that ruled my life and clouded my judgement. I had started to love me, with or without a man again.

  “I guess I rationalized what I was doing as simply a few erotic adventures of a single woman for so long, I started to believe that bullshit. I can see clearly now though. I hurt myself to get back at those that hurt me and I have to let that go. Someday I want to be a wife and mother when true love finds me, so I don’t want this to be a cross my child has to bare. I thank you so much Dr. Carrington for helping me to find me because I’ve been lost for far too long. I think I’m on the right track now though.” I said at the door as our session ended and Dr. Carrington walked me out.

  Everything I said came straight from my heart because I was really confident that I would be alright.

  “You know what Yasmine; I think you’re right. You’re going to be just fine.” Dr. Carrington said as I shook his hand and then walked away towards the life I always wanted.

  When I got home I felt like I could fly, all free and inhibited by my past. That feeling faded quickly though because as soon as I stepped in my front door, I got an eerie feeling. I tried to back track from my kitchen counter where I had hurried over to sit down the bags of food I had. However, I couldn’t make it back before Wayne bust out of my laundry closet and cornered me at the door.

  “Yessss, I got yo ass didn’t I bitch?” Wayne said as he grabbed me around the neck with both hands and slammed me into the door while I screamed.

  My head hit the door so hard my teeth chattered and I suddenly felt dizzy and wobbly on my feet. When my bearings came back seconds later, I clawed at Wayne’s face and tried to release his grip on my neck as he squeezed and cursed in my face.

  “Bitch you may as well stop fighting cause ain’t shit you can do now. I told you I was gonna get you didn’t I? You ruined my fucking life you bitch and all because I wanted to love you. You miserable bitch! I’m gonna fuck you and kill you bitch just like you did me. I’m gonna enjoy this too and I know you will because you ain’t shit but a nasty ass freak. Ain’t you Yass? Say you a nasty ass freak bitch?” Wayne yelled as I shook my head no and my heart raced.

  Wayne punched me square in the nose as soon as I did that and I passed out as he held me by my neck. I woke up sometime later on my floor naked as Wayne straddled me and slapped my face repeatedly.

  “Wake up bitch I want you woke when I fuck you. Now say you a nasty ass bitch Yass.” Wayne yelled as I finally did what he said.

  “I’m a nasty as bitch.” I said through my tears before I begged Wayne to let me go.

  That crazy muthafucka laughed in my face as he wedged himself between my legs while I screamed and fought him off.

  “NOOOOOOO, Wayne please. HELP ME SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!” I yelled as Wayne began to punch me and I punched back to no effect.

  His punches were much harder and powered by pure malice so his had way more of an effect. Before I knew it I was out again and I could feel him between my legs. Seconds later there was a loud bang followed by the sound of police as the rushed into my condo.

  “MPD! Freeze, or I will shoot yo ass. Get off the woman sir. Get off the woman Now!” The police yelled and my eyes popped open.

  I peered up over my head through bloody eyes as I caught a glimpse of a Spanish man as he walked away from the door and police rushed over to help me and arrest Wayne. The next thing I knew I was being loaded on an ambulance as someone walked beside me and held my hand. I looked over to the side to see who held my hand and confronted me as I went in and out of consciousness. When I looked over, I almost died as I stared into Alvin’s face. I couldn’t believe the chances it would be him who came to rescue me in the time I needed someone most.

  I tried to get up off the stretcher and away from his ass as he yelled for me to lay down and the pain in my head took my breath away. Before I knew it I had passed out again and everything went black.

  The sound of Alvin’s voice woke me up sometime later as the stretcher I was on rocked slowly from side to side in the back of the ambulance.

  “What the fuck you doing out here Yass? I know you can hear me. I st
ill love you as a friend but I can’t feel sorry for you because you brought this on yourself. I heard about you out here being a thot ass hoe. I know everything. This shit you going through right now is on you. If it wasn’t for the oath I took, I wouldn’t even have come to the call. I’m ashamed of you Yasmine. Everyone on the scene knew you were my ex-wife and we all saw the story on the news. Word has been around about you and your activities so bitch, you made this bed now you gotta lie in it. I’m gonna come to the hospital to make sure you straight but after that I’m gone. This is why I left you Yass. I always knew you were a rotten bitch under all the intelligence and the good looks. You’re rotten to your core and ain’t no fixing you. That’s why I’m gone forever after today. So it’s goodbye and good riddance.” Alvin whispered in my ear as I kept my eyes closed tight.

  I flinched in anger when he leaned over to kiss me on the cheek to put on a good show for the EMT. I felt angry and dead inside as I replayed his words over and over again. I wanted to jump up and hit his punk ass in the face, but the pain all over my body just wouldn’t let me. Instead I laid there and waddled in my anger as my heart raced and I breathed heavily through my mouth. I couldn’t believe the nerve of him to say all that shit to me after he was the one who embarrassed himself when he fucked another man while married to me. He was the muthafucka that should have been ashamed, not me and I wanted to say that. I wanted to, but my body wouldn’t let me as I drifted off to sleep.

  I woke up in a room later as the sun began to set. A noise in the corner beside my bed caused me to turn my head to see. My temples throbbed and my head felt heavy when I turned but I was able to see Alvin’s face as he got up and walked towards my bed.