Heart of Light

by T. K. Leigh

  “Cam,” she protested, “I can’t leave.”

  “You’ve been holed up here for months. You don’t even stay at my place anymore. We need to get you out of this house before it kills your spirit. That’s what’s been happening, Jolene.” His expression turned sincere. “I’ve noticed something change in you. You’re closing up again. I’m not going to make you tell me what’s going on, but some time away will do you good. Will do both of us good, I think.”

  “I’m not sure I’m ready to go away with you just yet,” she said in a futile attempt to come up with some excuse without having to tell him about her agreement with David. Smirking, she met his eyes. “That’s one hell of a baby step, if you ask me.”

  “Yes. I know. But it’s one that I think we need to take…together.” He leaned down, his lips hovering on her exposed neck. “Please… Choose me, Jolene.”

  “Yes,” she exhaled in a moment of weakness, the word leaving her mouth before she could stop it.

  A wide grin crossed his face. “I knew I could get you to say yes.” He retreated from her, leaping off the deck. “Be back in an hour, gorgeous.”

  Jolene watched as he sped away in his Wrangler, hoping that she didn’t just sign the death warrant to Cam’s career.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  BURDEN TO BEAR

  “SO, WHERE ARE YOU taking me?” Jolene asked a few hours later as Cam drove south along the coast of Florida.

  “Ever been to Key West?” he asked, his eyebrows raised.

  “Nope. Never been anywhere other than Houston and…” She stopped short.

  Cam reached across the car, his hand hovering over hers, wanting to grasp it in his as a sign of comfort. “It’s okay.” He glanced at her, smiling in a soothing manner. “Were you born in Houston?” he asked, wanting her to stop thinking about wherever she lived other than Houston. It was readily apparent that the place held nothing but horrible memories for her.

  “Yes, I was. At least I think I was. I never really asked. I just always assumed I was. Mom had an accent so I think that’s where I was born. She was killed in a car accident when I was fifteen.” She stared out the car as they drove across the Seven Mile Bridge. “It was a rainy Monday in December. I came home from school about a week before Christmas break and she wasn’t home, which was a little strange. She was normally always there when I finished school. Growing up, she was always a bit over-protective of me. I’d love to have someone look out for me the way that she used to.”

  “I’ll look out for you that way, Jolene. If you’ll let me.”

  She glanced across the car at him, the silence deafening as she processed his words. She wondered if she would ever be able to trust anyone enough to open her heart and love as unconditionally as Cam deserved.

  “Do you know what happened? I mean, with the car accident?” he asked, breaking the awkward silence.

  “No. Just a little while after I got home from school, there was a knock on the door…” She trailed off, her chin quivering, the memory of that day still painful.

  “I’m sorry,” he said solemnly.

  “Me, too.”

  He could tell that there was more to the story than just her mother dying in a car accident, but he refused to pry. He wondered whether her mother had really died in a car accident at all.

  “How about you, Casanova?” Jolene asked, her voice bright and cheery, a complete change from just a moment ago.

  Cam smiled. “Will you stop calling me that?”

  “Not on your life. So, since we’re in a sharing mood here, what’s your story?”

  “What would you like to know?” he asked nervously.

  “Where in South Carolina did you grow up?”

  “Myrtle Beach, for the most part.”

  “Where did you go to college?”

  “Aren’t we nosey today? Why the sudden need to find out everything about me?”

  Jolene shrugged, crossing her arms defensively in front of herself. “Maybe the more I find out about you, the better my chance of telling you my story because I really want to.”

  “Then what’s stopping you?”

  Her eyes met his. “Fear.”

  One word. That’s all it took to tear at Cam’s heart. He saw the fear in Jolene’s eyes, regardless of all the times she had said that she was done choosing fear. He was almost positive that she had been broken down and reconditioned. He wanted to recondition her to feel another emotion, something other than fear. He wanted her to choose love because, with each passing moment, he was beginning to feel that when he looked at her.

  “University of South Carolina,” he said, lightening the heavy atmosphere in the car. “Go, Game Cocks.”

  “What are your sisters’ names?”

  He took a deep breath. “Meg and Julianna…and Marley.”

  “Older? Younger?”

  “Younger…”

  A smirk crossed Jolene’s face. “Thought so.”

  Cam scrunched his eyebrows at her. “Why do you say that?”

  “Isn’t it obvious? You have this caregiver personality to you. It just screams oldest child.”

  He chuckled. “Who’s the psychiatrist here? You or me?”

  “Well, technically you, I suppose, but like Elsie says…you bartend for long enough, you end up being able to read people.”

  “Jolene, darling,” he said, his eyes hooded. “I’ll let you read me any time you want to.”

  Her heart raced and she wondered how a man like Cam could make her completely speechless in the blink of an eye.

  “Meg has a few kids and Jules is in med. school to become a pediatrician,” he said, bringing Jolene back from her thoughts. “They’re still in South Carolina. They never really left.”

  “So why did you leave if your family is still there?”

  “Well, I went out to California for med. school. UCLA.”

  “Why did you want to go so far away? It sounds like you’re pretty close with your family, so I imagine going across the country must have been difficult on you. And them.”

  “Aren’t you just full of questions today? In the few months that I’ve known you, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you ask so many questions.”

  “Just answer me and stop trying to analyze everything I do.”

  “I needed to get away for a little while. My mama passed away from leukemia a year before I graduated college.”

  “I’m sorry, Cam,” Jolene offered, her voice soft.

  “She was diagnosed during my junior year. I thought about withdrawing so that I could spend time with her, but she wouldn’t hear of it. She passed away that summer.”

  “How about your father?”

  “My dad was killed by a drunk driver just a few weeks after my eighth birthday. My mama took it hard and had trouble coping with the loss. She turned to drugs and alcohol. We lost the house and had to move from apartment to apartment in some really shady areas.”

  “I didn’t mean to pry. You don’t have to tell…”

  “My dad was the love of her life…her soul mate,” he interrupted. “I had to take care of both Marley and myself. Marley’s my twin sister. My other half. I should have done more, but I was only eight.” He glanced thoughtfully over the ocean all those feet below.

  “One day, a man appeared on our doorstep. He was kind and Mama began to date him. Things started to look up for us. She stopped drinking and doing drugs. She cooked. She cleaned. She even got a job and we were able to move into an apartment that wasn’t infested with roaches.” He swallowed hard.

  “By that New Year’s Eve, Mama had started using drugs again. I remember watching Dick Clark on the television and turning to ask why she was putting a needle in her arm. She told me it was her medicine. I was worried that she was sick. I had no idea she was shooting heroine. I was only eight, after all. Her ‘boyfriend’ was over that night, celebrating the new year with all of us. We stayed up to watch the ball drop and then he put us to bed because Mama was passed out. A few hours lat
er, I was woken up to him carrying me out of the bedroom that Marley and I shared, dropping me on the couch.” His chin quivered slightly at the memory of that first night.

  “I was disoriented for a moment and then I heard Marley’s cries, begging him to stop…” He trailed off, closing his eyes momentarily as he relived how he felt that day. “And I had to listen to her screams and cries nearly every night for three horrible years.”

  Jolene’s heart broke for Cam as she listened to his story, wondering how anyone could possibly suffer through what he and Marley had. “Cam, you don’t have to tell me any more. I understand how difficult this must be for you.”

  “It is. But I don’t mind talking about it.”

  “Did he ever go to jail?”

  Cam nodded. “He did. My mama, too, for a little bit. It was good, I guess, because she was able to turn her life around. We were sent to live with my Aunt Terryn and Uncle Graham. Meg and Jules are their kids, but I grew up with them. In my mind, they’re my sisters, even though, technically, they’re cousins.”

  “Did Marley ever come to terms with what happened to her?” she asked quietly.

  He slowly shook his head.

  Their eyes met and Jolene noticed the forming of unshed tears. “I’m sorry.”

  “Everything was so hard for her,” Cam continued. “For every up, there was an even bigger down. My uncle Graham was a pastor in the church and asked us to look to God for guidance. Neither one of us were put in therapy. It affected Marley more than me, obviously. I was the only one she could ever talk to about everything. She always joked that I should become a therapist, that I would waste my good soul otherwise. I was supposed to go to law school, but she thought I would be able to make a difference if I helped people like I tried to help her. I realized she was right and decided to go the psychiatrist route. After finishing undergrad, I got a scholarship to UCLA so I headed out to California.

  “I always felt guilty for not being able to protect Marley from a man that was larger than life in my eight-year-old eyes. I hated having to listen to her cries and pleas for help. I sometimes still hear them in my sleep and I hate it. The guilt still finds me, but being away from it when I left for med. school gave me clarity and drive to really help others. I’m closer to my aunt and uncle because of it, too. After finishing med. school, I got offered a residency in Jacksonville and jumped at the opportunity so that I wouldn’t be so far away from them anymore.”

  “You love your sister, Marley, don’t you? I can tell, just by the way you wanted to protect her so fiercely.”

  “I do.” A reflective smile crossed his face. “When we moved in with our aunt and uncle in Myrtle Beach, we lived in a house just a few blocks from the shore. On nights when there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, we would climb out of the window in our rooms and onto the roof. We weren’t supposed to, but you try telling a couple of teenagers what they can and can’t do.

  “Anyway, I remember sitting up there with Marley for hours. She would always look for shooting stars. Our grams told us they were signs that all our relatives who had passed away were watching over us. To this day, whenever I look at the sky and see a shooting star, I like to think it’s all the people that I loved that left me too early watching over me or sending me a sign.”

  “That’s sweet. Marley sounds like an amazing woman.”

  Cam simply nodded, the memories of their childhood still strong. “I’m just happy that I have the ability to help others that are going through similar events as what she endured and make sure that they cope in healthy ways.”

  “What do you mean by ‘similar events’?”

  “I focus on helping victims of sexual abuse process what happened to them. Rape, child molestation.” He paused briefly. “Forced prostitution.” Glancing across the car, he gauged her reaction.

  She turned her head forward again. The car remained silent for several uncomfortable moments.

  “Jolene,” Cam said softly. “If there’s anything you ever want to tell me, I’ll listen. Whatever you say will stay between us. No one will ever know.”

  “No one can ever know,” she whispered.

  Cam shook his head. “You can’t keep it all inside. That’s too big of a burden to bear. No one should go through it alone.”

  A tear fell down her cheek as she processed his words. She knew they were true. She was fucked up beyond help, but she just couldn’t bring herself to share her past or her present with anyone. At that point, it would make it real. She wanted to pretend that none of it happened. That the last ten years of her life was a dream. That her current situation was just a nightmare that she had to suffer through to get to the next sunrise so she could see Cam’s smiling face. It was the only way she could survive.

  “Don’t assume you know so much about me and what I’ve been through.”

  Cam sighed, turning his car onto Duval Street. “I don’t know everything about you, but I’ll tell you what I’ve learned since I met you. You hate when people see you cry because you don’t want them to think that you’re broken but, at the same time, you wish someone would notice how beaten and defeated you really are.”

  She opened her mouth to respond, wondering how, in just a few short months, he was able to peer into her soul with such accuracy.

  “You hate when people don’t listen to what you have to say because it makes you think that your words aren’t as important as they are. But, at the same time, you don’t want anyone to hear the story that you tell with your eyes.”

  She tore her gaze away from him, focusing on the brightly-colored hotels that zoomed by.

  “You hate the idea of letting anyone see the real you, so you put on a front. That’s where your sarcasm and wit come into play. You use it to make sure that no one can see what’s under your hard exterior, the pain and agony that’s slowly torturing your soul. You hide it all inside and shoulder the burden alone, not wanting to pull anyone down with you. But you need to relieve some of the weight off your shoulders, Jolene, or you’ll get pulled down and I’ll never be able to get you back. And that thought breaks my fucking heart.”

  She could hear the pain in his voice as she contemplated his words, wondering if she would ever be strong enough to tell the story that no one should ever have to hear.

  “Come on, baby steps.” He winked, pulling the car underneath an awning. “We’re here. End of the road. The Pier House.” He handed the keys to the valet before grabbing both of their bags and leading Jolene into a small lobby. Within a few minutes, they were checked in and on their way to their suite for the weekend.

  “I hope the accommodations here are up to your rather high standards,” he said, winking at her before opening the door. He held back, allowing her to enter ahead of him.

  Jolene’s eyes grew wide at the beautiful suite. She made her way through the living area, admiring the gorgeous ocean view, the remnants of the famous Key West sunset falling beyond the horizon. She walked into the bedroom, her heart dropping in her stomach when she saw the rose petals on the floor leading up to the bed, and the bottle of champagne set in the ice bucket.

  Feeling Cam’s presence behind her, she spun around, furious. “It was all an act in the car, wasn’t it?! You’re sick of being patient waiting for me! Is that what this weekend was all about?! Hoping I’d see the luxurious suite and couldn’t help but let you take advantage of me?! Well, I’ll tell you something, Dr. Cameron fucking Bowen! I am done with everyone taking advantage of me! My entire fucking life…” she quivered, bolting out the room. “I can’t do it anymore.”

  She ran from the suite, wishing that she had never agreed to get in the car with Cam that morning. Did she not learn anything from the past decade of her life? No man would ever want to spend time with her just for her company. They only wanted one thing. And Cam was no different. No matter how many sweet things he said, no matter how many times he assured her that he would be patient, he was sick of all the baby steps.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

 
; THE LIGHT

  CAM WATCHED IN SHOCK while Jolene had a complete meltdown and ran from the suite. Surveying the bedroom, remorse overwhelmed him. He didn’t mean anything by the roses and champagne. All he wanted was for her to get away somewhere that she could feel comfortable. Now, because of him, she felt anything but comfortable.

  Darting out of the room, he saw a flash of dark hair running down the stairwell. He followed Jolene to the small beach area, her beautiful silhouette collapsing on the sand, barely illuminated by the last bit of daylight.

  He cautiously made his way toward her, hoping that, in the last few minutes, she was able to calm down. Sitting next to her, he stared at the ocean.

  “I’m sorry. I’ll get separate rooms, if you prefer. I was planning on sleeping on the couch anyway, to give you your space. Hell, you can close the bedroom door and lock me out if it makes you feel more comfortable. The last thing I’d ever do is take advantage of you. You have to believe me, Jolene. I…”

  “I just want to be free!” she cried out, interrupting him. The pain in her voice was all-consuming. “I thought that being in Florida and away from it all for the first time in over ten years, I would be free, but I’m not.” She took a deep breath, trying to calm her emotions. “But right now…” She turned her eyes to look at him, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I feel it. I feel something that I didn’t think I would ever feel again.”

  He held her gaze, grateful that she was talking to him. “And what is that?” he asked, wanting her to say it, needing those words to come out of her mouth.

  “Free, Cam,” she exhaled, a contemplative smile briefly crossing her face. “I finally feel free, right here on this beach, and I know that it’s because of you.” She turned her head to the water, trying to summon the strength to get through what she was about to say.

  “My real name is Jolene Bergio. When I was fifteen, my mother died and a man appeared at my door saying that he was a friend of hers and had been granted legal custody of me until my eighteenth birthday. I didn’t question it, although I should have. But when you’re fifteen and an older man with kind eyes and a gentle smile wearing an expensive suit shows up saying that you’re going to live in a beautiful new home and never have to clean up after yourself again, you think you just hit the jackpot.”