Unconditional

by Linda Rettstatt

  “What?” Audrey stole a glance at me, then refocused on the road.

  I dug into my purse for a tissue. “I don’t want to cry. Now I’ll be all blotchy.”

  “People expect you to cry today. They’ll just think you’re happy.”

  I pondered her words and wondered if I was happy. Had I been working hard to fool everyone, including myself, just so people would think I was happy? I took a quick assessment of my situation. My soon-to-be ex-husband was experimenting at being gay. My baby was due in six weeks. I had to take time away from my counseling practice which meant I could lose patients and income.

  I felt my life spinning way too fast and far beyond my control. Any one of these things would be enough to deal with but, collectively, it was too much.

  “Meg, we’re here.”

  Until Audrey spoke, I was unaware that the car had stopped moving.

  “Okay.” I released the seatbelt and opened the door.

  “Where’d you go? I spoke three times before you answered me.”

  “Just thinking.”

  The front door of Elena Flores’ modest brick home opened and Elena stepped out onto the porch, smiling. A wave of laughter rolled through the open front door.

  “I was afraid you’d decided not to come.” Elena held the door and welcomed us.

  “It’s my fault we’re late. Had to run back to the bathroom one last time.” I smiled and kissed her cheek. “How many people are here?”

  “Not a lot. Just family and friends. Come on.” She ushered me inside and waited for Audrey to enter after me.

  The living room and dining area of Elena’s home were separated by a high arched doorway. Both rooms were filled with chattering women of all ages, mostly Thomas’s sisters, aunts and cousins. The absence of my mother surged inside me. Then I saw Nikki, Kat, and Shay, two of my cousins and a few of my mother’s friends from our old neighborhood.

  Audrey must have been reading my mind. She leaned close and whispered, “I invited Mom’s friends to fill out our side of the family. Hope that’s okay.”

  I nodded. “Thank you.”

  Elena led me to a wingback chair. “This should be easier for you to get out of later.”

  “Good thinking. Unless you have a crane on hand.” I sat and accepted the congratulations of my mother’s friends while Elena recruited the younger women to help with food. As the older women told stories about my mother when she was pregnant with me, I began to feel my mother’s presence with us. I’d known a few of these women since my childhood. I grew up with them acting as surrogate mother—feeding me, chastising me, and kissing away my bumps and bruises. That was the gift of growing up in a small, tight-knit neighborhood.

  After a scrumptious meal that included chicken and rice enchiladas, we played a short round of shower games. Then we got to the gifts. I opened cards and packages that contained everything from gift cards to diapers to teeny pairs of knit booties. Everyone ooh’d and aah’d at the tiny outfits, including a one piece Pittsburgh Steelers sleeper. “You know you’re in Pittsburgh,” I said with a chuckle.

  “That’s from me,” one of my cousins said. “I like to recruit fans early.”

  Audrey placed a box in my lap after the last of the other gifts had been opened. “This is from Dad and Mom.”

  I ran my fingers over the paper decorated with pink and blue bows and held together by a silver ribbon. “It’s so beautiful, I hate to unwrap it.” I loosened the ribbon and set it aside, then carefully removed the clear tape.

  I lifted the lid on the box. Inside was a christening outfit. I recognized it, because it was the same outfit both Audrey and I had worn for our christenings. The one I couldn’t find in the box of things I’d kept in the basement. A small white envelope rested atop the outfit and, in my mother’s handwriting were the words ‘To Our Grandchild’.

  I opened the envelope, unfolded the card and lifted the flap.

  To our sweet grandson, Ryan Thomas.

  This outfit was worn by your mother on her christening day. And now you will wear it as well on the day when we, your family, will gather to acknowledge to God that you are His, not ours, but to accept the gift of you into our lives and our hearts forever. God willing, you will one day dress your own child in this outfit. Let it remind you always of the fact that you are and were loved by your Grandma Pauline and Grandpa Abe long before you were even born.

  I sniffled and someone stuffed a wad of tissues into my hand. Audrey took the card and passed it around, then held up the christening outfit. “Can you imagine each of us wore this at one time?” Then she flipped open her cell phone. “Hi, Mom. We’re all here. Wait, I’ll put you on speaker. Can you hear us?”

  “Hi, everyone.” My mother’s voice crackled through the speaker.

  “Hi, Pauline,” the crowd called back.

  “Thank you all for doing this for Megan. I wish I could be there, but I’m coming in a few weeks. I can’t wait to see you, honey.”

  Audrey disengaged the speaker and handed the phone to me. “Hi, Mom. Thank you for the christening outfit. I looked everywhere for it in my boxes. I was sure you had given it to me.”

  “I held onto it for just this occasion.”

  “Mom, some of your friends are here today.”

  “I know. Those are your other mothers. I was happy when Audrey said she had invited them. Your father’s out at the triple-A office right now making our travel arrangements. We’re going to come up for Thanksgiving and stay right through New Year’s. That way we can stay part of the time with Audrey and then with you.”

  “That’ll be great, Mom. Tell Daddy not to rent a car. You can use mine or Audrey’s.”

  “Okay, sweetheart. I’ll let you get back to the party. We love you.”

  “Love you, too, Mom.”

  When the party ended and several of the women busied themselves helping Elena clean up, one of my childhood neighbors, Mrs. Kronen, pulled up a chair next to mine. She reached for my hand and smiled at me. “You look so much like your mother did when she was expecting you. She is so proud of her girls.”

  “Thanks, Mrs. Kronen.”

  “Bring the baby to visit the old neighborhood sometime.”

  “I will. Thank you for being here today.”

  “You’re welcome, sweetie. Now, I’d better see if Alma is ready to leave. We have card club this evening.”

  Card club—a time-honored tradition in the old neighborhood. I remembered my mother getting ready for her card club evenings. It was even more fun when she hosted the other women. They would gather around the kitchen table, sip highballs, and play Canasta. Audrey and I would sometimes crawl under the table and sit with our Barbie dolls, listening to their chatter and their laughter until the conversation turned to complaints about husbands. Then we were banished to our room. Man, could I give them an earful today.

  The front door swung open and Thomas stuck his head inside. “Is it safe for a member of the male species to enter?”

  “Just in time.” I stood. “Your mom’s in the kitchen. I’ll be ready to go as soon as I use the powder room. You can start loading up the gifts. Is all this stuff going to fit in your car?”

  “It’ll fit.”

  When I returned to the living room, Thomas was introducing himself to my mother’s friends. Audrey said, “I think everything will fit in my car if you’d rather I take you home.”

  I shook my head. “No, it’s fine.” I hugged her. “Thanks for this. And for being such a great sister.”

  “That works both ways. I’m going to see if I can be of help in the kitchen. If not, I’m heading home. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  After carrying boxes and bags to the SUV, Thomas sat on the sofa, catching his breath.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  He smiled, but his face looked pale. “Fine. I’m an executive. I’m not used to manual labor.” He shoved himself up to his feet. “Ready to go?”

  “I just want to say goodbye to your mom and your
sister. Be right back.” I found Elena and Maria and thanked them.

  Elena handed me a foil-wrapped plate and then looped her arm through mine and walked with me back to the living room. She gave her son a stern gaze. “You get her home safe and sound.”

  He kissed her cheek. “Yes, Mama. I’ll see you soon.”

  I watched a cloud of concern sweep across Elena’s face as she studied Thomas. She saw it too—the gray pallor, the lines around his mouth and eyes.

  Thomas held my coat open. “It’s cold outside. Button up.”

  That was not a simple feat as I’d nearly outgrown the buttoning stage with my coat. The buttons strained over my protruding belly. Thomas held my arm while we descended the steps and walked to his waiting SUV.

  “Meg…um…Francisco is with me. I didn’t know how much stuff there would be, so he came to help me carry it inside. I hope that’s okay.”

  Like I have a choice. I gritted my teeth. “I can have Audrey take me home. You go ahead and drop off the stuff.”

  “He’ll wait in the car, if you don’t want him in your house.”

  I drew in a cool breath. This was Thomas’s life. I didn’t have to like it, but I needed to accept it. “Fine,” I lied. “Let’s go.”

  He opened the back door and helped me up into the seat. Francisco turned and smiled from behind the wheel. “Looks like you had a very nice baby shower.”

  I stared out the side window trying to understand why Francisco felt it necessary to speak to me.

  Thomas climbed into the seat in front of me. While Francisco steered through the narrow streets and onto the parkway, Thomas’s small talk fractured the brittle silence.

  We reached my house, and Thomas helped me out of the Highlander. “You open the front door. Francisco and I will bring in the stuff.”

  I glanced from his face to Francisco and back to Thomas. I’d not yet invited Francisco into my house. Thomas knew that had been a deliberate choice. I simply nodded and walked up the steps.

  Thomas led the way, his arms laden with packages. Francisco followed with even larger boxes. “Do you want these in the baby’s room, or in your bedroom,” Thomas asked.

  “The nursery. I’ll have Audrey help me open and sort them before my parents arrive.” I hung up my coat and went to the kitchen to put away the food Elena sent home with me. I was pouring a glass of water when the two men appeared in the open doorway, Francisco hovering behind Thomas.

  “We stacked everything in the corner of the nursery, so it will be out of the way. I could come by and help you one evening when you decide where you want everything,” Thomas said.

  “Audrey will help.”

  “Okay. So, before we leave, Francisco has something to tell you.”

  The little worm didn’t make eye contact, but mumbled, “I’m sorry about the referrals to your practice. I should have had Thomas ask you about it first. But…” He glanced briefly at my face. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I thought the business would be helpful.”

  I chewed on the words that tumbled onto my tongue, before selecting a response. “Well, it wasn’t helpful. I had to refer everyone elsewhere. I’ll be taking maternity leave, and I can’t take on new clients. In the future, I’d appreciate it if you checked with me first. Or, better yet, just stay out of my business.”

  He nodded. “And you don’t have to worry about being reported to the licensing board.”

  I switched my gaze from him to Thomas. “And why is that? I swear, if you gave that person any reason to think I’d shared information—”

  Thomas held up a hand. “I didn’t. And neither did Francisco. I announced in my group that your card had been posted in error on the board and that you weren’t taking new clients. And I apologized for any inconvenience that may have caused if someone in the group had contacted you. The guy came to me after group, and I assured him that was the only reason you wanted to refer him elsewhere.”

  “Having my license pulled is the last thing I need right now.”

  Thomas shuffled his feet. “We should be going. I’ll talk with you.”

  “Wait.” I directed my gaze to Francisco. “Thomas and I are finding a way to move past everything that’s happened. For the sake of our baby. But I’m sure you understand my feelings toward you. It would be no different if you were another woman. Just because you helped Thomas bring in the baby gifts, doesn’t mean my door is open.”

  Francisco nodded. “Fair enough. Thomas, I’ll wait for you in the car.” He shrugged into his leather jacket and softly closed the front door behind him.

  I studied Thomas’s face for a reaction, but saw none. “I’m sorry if my inability to accept Francisco makes things difficult for you. Okay, I’m not sorry, but I’m doing the best I can here.”

  “Don’t worry about it. You’ve been more understanding and accepting than I could ever imagine.”

  The baby stretched, and I placed my hand over the small bump that appeared under my sweater. “Check this out. I think he’s running out of room in there. We may have a basketball star on our hands.”

  Thomas traced a finger over the bump, then locked eyes with me. “I’ve told the company I can’t take any out of town trips until after the first of the year. I don’t want to chance being in Atlanta or someplace when you go into labor. I don’t want to miss this.”

  “Good. By the way, how is Francisco’s memoir coming?”

  “He’s discovered some fascinating facts about his mother’s family. They may be linked to Marie Antoinette.”

  “Well, we know how her story ended.” I failed to suppress a smile.

  “A family of queens,” Thomas said.

  I gasped. “I can’t believe you said that.”

  “Why? Gay people have senses of humor.” As we walked to the door, Thomas put an arm around me and kissed my cheek. “Thank you for being so gracious. I probably should have asked first if it was okay for him to come along.”

  “A warning would have been nice. And, for future reference, it’s not okay.”

  “Meg, eventually we have to get past this thing with Francisco.”

  “Hey, it’s your thing with Francisco, not mine. And if you expect me to ever welcome him with open arms, well, you’ll be disappointed.” I leaned into Thomas, resting my head against his chest. “I’m concerned about you. You’re tired, you seem weak, and your color isn’t right.”

  He grinned. “I’m Mexican. What color would you prefer?”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “I do. And I appreciate your concern. I won’t be traveling over the next six to eight weeks, so I should be able to rest a bit.” He kissed my forehead.

  I closed the door, unable to shake the uneasiness I felt.

  Chapter Thirty

  “I am so ready for this baby to be born.” I pressed fingers to my aching lower back and stared out the kitchen window at snow flurries. It was three days before Thanksgiving and I was into my ninth month of pregnancy.

  “I am too, but for different reasons. I just can’t wait to meet him.” Thomas sat at the kitchen table, having driven me to and from my doctor’s appointment.

  I set my water glass in the sink and turned to study Thomas. “That cold should be gone by now.”

  “Maybe it’s allergies. Francisco got a cat.”

  I bristled at the thought of Francisco bringing a cat into my house. Well, it wasn’t mine any longer, but did he have to have total disregard for Thomas? “Maybe the cat needs to go.” Maybe Francisco needs to go.

  “Meg, stop hovering,” Thomas snapped.

  I let it drop. Thomas and I had edged into a peaceful co-existence, but either one of us could flare easily with little incentive. “My parents will be arriving tomorrow evening. Maybe you can come by for dinner one night next week.”

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

  “We’re trying to get along for the sake of the baby. Our families will have to learn to do the same. I’ll invite your mother, too.”

 
; “Sure. Let me know when.” He rose. “I should be going.”

  “You seem out of sorts. Is everything okay?”

  He sighed. “Not everything.”

  “Is it something with me? Or is it—”

  “It has nothing to do with you. Just leave it at that.”

  “Okay. Sorry.”

  His face softened and he cupped my cheek. “Nothing to worry about, I promise. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just tired. Talk to you tomorrow.”

  I lifted my face from his hand. Those little moments of tenderness could still practically unravel me. “Get some rest.” Then I called after him as he descended the steps, “And stay away from the cat.”

  I worried about Thomas. But, then, I worried about everyone. I’d officially become my mother. Either that or I was preparing for a lifetime of worry about my soon-to-arrive son.

  I hadn’t seen Audrey since the baby shower. I grabbed my car keys and pulled on my coat and gloves. The streets were dampened by the melting flakes and snow blanketed grassy areas.I found a parking space half a block down the street from her building and carefully made my way to the entrance. I let myself in to the lobby and pressed the button for Audrey to buzz me inside.

  “Yes?” she asked.

  “Hi, Aud. It’s me. Can you let me in?”

  “Meg? Sure. Come on up.”

  The door buzzed and I jerked it open. Audrey stood in the hall when I exited the elevator. “This is a surprise,” she said with a smile. “Why didn’t you use your key?”

  “It’s late and I didn’t want to scare you. I wanted to see your face. Have you been avoiding me?”

  “No. I’ve just been busy. We’ve talked every day.”

  I followed her inside her apartment. “Not the same.”

  Narrowing her eyes, she said, “If you’re here to grill me about Julian—”

  “I’m not. But is it a crime that I want you to fall in love and live happily ever after?”

  “You still believe in happily ever after?” She headed into the kitchen and I trailed behind.

  “I do. You just have to hang in there. There’s a guy out there for you.” I took a seat at the café table.