Unconditional

by Linda Rettstatt

  She grinned and blushed. “The word’s from David?”

  “Maybe. So, what’s the deal?”

  “He…um…asked me to go away with him over New Year’s. To a ski lodge in West Virginia.”

  “You’re going, right?”

  “I don’t know. Things seem to be moving so fast.”

  “Fast? Audrey, you’re thirty-four. Isn’t your biological clock ticking just a bit?”

  She chewed on her bottom lip. “I think I’m in love with him. What if he doesn’t feel the same way about me?”

  “Hello-oo. He invited you to go away for a weekend.”

  “Yes, but that could just be for…you know…for…sex.”

  “Preston is a good man. Trust me, it’s not just for sex, though there’s nothing wrong with that, either.”

  Thomas appeared in the doorway, Ryan hanging onto one of his fingers and toddling unsteadily beside him. “Ryan’s ready to open his presents. Meg, would you run upstairs and get my phone charger? I want to capture this on video. The battery’s going. I think I left it on the dresser in the bedroom.”

  Thomas’s color was ghastly, and he seemed to be breathing hard. “Sure. Be right back.” I ran up the stairs and turned right, into what used to be our bedroom. The charger was not on the dresser or on the bed. I hesitated, then opened the closet to see if it might be on a shelf. The closet was half empty. Only Thomas’s clothes hung on the rack. His shoes rested alone on the shelf. There was no evidence of Francisco in this closet. That thought made me smile as I realized what it meant. The little prick was out of my life. And out of Thomas’s life.

  I located the phone charger on the floor next to Thomas’s briefcase. Before I returned downstairs, I checked the master bathroom. One toothbrush. One shaver. One set of towels. I was beginning to understand why Thomas looked like hell.

  Thomas sat in the recliner with Ryan in his lap. He looked up when I crossed the room, and he handed me his phone. I tried to hide the fact that I knew, but he must have seen the pity in my eyes. He quickly turned his attention back to Ryan. “Look at Mama. Smile.”

  I plugged in the phone and focused on Thomas and our son. Moisture blurred their image. Francisco had left him. I knew his pain because it was the same pain I had felt when Thomas left me. I could be vindictive, rejoice in his pain. But I wouldn’t let myself go there. No one deserved that feeling of being un-loved. Not me. Not Thomas.

  Audrey plopped a wrapped package in front of Ryan. He took Thomas’s lead and ripped the paper from the gift. I centered my son in the viewer, capturing his unadulterated joy. Of all the toys and clothing he received, Ryan latched onto a bright red bow and shoved his curled fist into his mouth. In minutes, he was slumped in Thomas’s arms, eyes closed.

  I carried Ryan upstairs, replaced his sticky cake-icing encrusted clothing with clean pajamas, and then tucked him into his crib. I returned to the living room to find everyone standing and Thomas handing out coats and jackets from the hall closet. After saying goodnight to Audrey and my parents, I retreated to the kitchen to clean up. Thomas had gone upstairs to check on Ryan.

  I was drying the dessert dishes when Thomas joined me. He stopped at the kitchen entry. “He left three weeks ago.” His voice was tight.

  “I’m sorry. I wish you had told me.”

  “So you could say I told you so?”

  “Of course not.” I tossed the towel onto the stack of drying plates and crossed the room. I circled my arms around him and pressed my cheek to his chest. “I know how it feels. I wouldn’t do that.” I looked up into his face. “Did he say why?”

  “The man you saw him with at the restaurant. They moved together to L.A. I knew it wasn’t meant to last, and I wasn’t surprised he took off when the going is about to get really tough.” Thomas locked eyes with me. “I came home and found a note and his things gone.” He laughed bitterly. “He left a goddamned note.”

  “Thomas, you still have your family. You have me and Ryan.”

  He sat down at the table and motioned for me to sit. “The treatments stopped working. I’m out of remission.”

  “Oh, God.” I wrapped both of my hands around one of his and felt every fragile bone beneath the skin.

  “I have three to six months, so they say. I’m stopping all treatment. They could dose me with heavy-duty chemo, but it’ll only make me sicker.”

  The air was sucked out of me. My words came out in whisper. “What about Ryan? He needs you.” I still need you.

  “I want to get the most out of the time I have. Let’s not try to sort this all out tonight.” He sighed and smiled. “Did you see how he tore into that cake? I can’t wait to watch the video.”

  Thomas—my beloved Thomas—was dying. I could barely let it sink in. “I’ll stay here with you tonight.”

  “No. God, Meg, the last thing I want from you is pity.”

  “You shouldn’t be alone.” I don’t want to be alone tonight. “I’m staying. Ryan’s already asleep anyway. I can borrow one of your T-shirts to sleep in.” Anguish filled his eyes. “This isn’t pity, Thomas. You’re my best friend. This is what best friends do.” I clung to him, fighting the anxiety that clogged in my chest. “I love you.”

  He didn’t respond verbally, but his arms tightened around me. I could feel his ribs.We climbed the stairs together, the way we had so many times before. I headed for the guest room. Thomas stopped in the master bedroom and brought a T-shirt and pair of boxers to me. “I’m not sure the shorts will fit.”

  I took the clothing from him. “They’ll be fine. I’ll leave the door open, in case you need anything.”

  He smiled sadly. “I’m not going to die tonight, Meg. I don’t actually feel that bad yet.” He dragged his fingers through his dark hair. “I know I look like hell.” He kissed my forehead and wrapped his arms around me. “Thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me. I want to be here with you.” I looked up at him. “And I am sorry about Francisco. I know it hurts.”

  He nodded. “Get some sleep. There are a couple of new toothbrushes in the medicine cabinet. You know where everything else is.” He released me and glanced in at Ryan before heading into his bedroom, closing the door softly behind him.

  I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and changed into the clothes Thomas gave me. The boxers hung loosely on my hips but, due to his recent weight loss, they nearly fit. I crawled in between soft, cool sheets and extinguished the bedside lamp. Then I turned my face into the pillow and released my grief. Spent and unable to sleep, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and went into the nursery to check on Ryan. He slept soundly, his stuffed monkey in a choke hold in his chubby right arm.

  I used the bathroom and then, instead of going back to the guest room, tiptoed into Thomas’s room. He lay on his left side, snoring softly. I stared at the bed for a moment. Francisco had slept in that bed. But surely by now the sheets had been changed. Lifting the comforter and top sheet, I slid in behind Thomas and spooned my body around his.

  Thomas stirred and spoke my name.

  “Shhh. Sleep.”

  “I’m sorry to drag you into this. You’re probably wishing you’d moved across the country after we split up.”

  I pressed my lips to his shoulder. “No. I don’t understand all that’s happened, but I know there’s a reason for my being here now.”

  “Are you planning to tell David you spent the night with me?”

  “I don’t know. I’d have to tell him why, and I won’t do that without your okay.”

  He was silent for a moment. “You need him, more now than before. Tell him.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “He seems like a good guy. If you don’t tell him, the secret will separate you. I know what I’m talking about.”

  I knew, too. “I’ll talk with him.”

  “You know the funny thing? After Francisco left, I felt relieved. I think he was my experimental lover, a way to test out my sexuality.”

  “And?”


  “Oh, I’m undoubtedly gay. But with Francisco, there was no emotional connection. I’m not sure he’s capable. Not like…”

  Not like us.

  He turned to face me. “You have no idea how badly I wanted things to be different. But I couldn’t be your husband, not exclusively. I tried, but then I’d go to a bar and find myself looking at men and…”

  I rolled onto my back. I didn’t want to hear this.

  “I never had sex with any of them while we were married. But I knew it was a matter of time.”

  “I know.”

  We laid in silence for several minutes. Then Thomas reached for my hand. “I can’t imagine not being here, not seeing Ryan grow up, not dancing at your next wedding.”

  I buried my face against his chest while he rubbed soothing circles on my back. He was dying, and here he was—comforting me. Just like he used to.

  We lay together until morning broke in a gray haze in the December sky. I closed my eyes and dozed off. When I wakened, Thomas was gone. I found him in the kitchen preparing cereal for Ryan. The baby happily banged a plastic sippy cup on the tray of his highchair, squealing with each bang. I kissed the top of my son’s head. “Why didn’t you wake me up?” I asked Thomas.

  “You were finally asleep. I wasn’t.” He reached into the cupboard and extracted a coffee mug, filled it and handed it to me. “Hungry?”

  I shook my head. “Just coffee.”

  He sat and began to feed Ryan.

  “Are you going to tell your mother?” I asked.

  “I want to wait until after Christmas.”

  “Why? She’s worried about you. She already knows something’s wrong. Why prolong her worry?”

  He leveled his eyes on mine. “I want my last Christmas with her to be normal.”

  I sucked in my lower lip and bit down. “What am I supposed to say when she asks me if I think you’re out of remission? You want me to lie to her?”

  He focused his attention on Ryan, scooping globs of cereal from around the baby’s mouth and spooning it inside. “I’ll explain to her later. Just do this for me, please?”

  “She’s going to be angry with me. Besides, she’s a mother. She’ll know without you saying a word.”

  “I’ll tell her after the holidays.” His voice was tight.

  “Fine.” I stood and dumped the remainder of my coffee into the sink. “I’m going to get dressed.”

  I wanted to be angry with him—angry that he was sick, that he would leave me forever. I slammed around in the bathroom before stepping into the shower where my tears mingled with the hot spray.

  ~ * ~

  At home, I carried Ryan inside and deposited him in the playpen, then ran back to the car to get his gifts and diaper bag. I pulled a fresh diaper from the bag and covered the sofa with a blanket before laying Ryan down for a change. I looked down at Ryan who was happily naked and clutching both feet with his chubby fingers. I diapered him quickly before he could anoint me as he had done several times. I saw so much of Thomas in Ryan’s olive skin, long, dark eyelashes, and full lips. By Ryan’s second birthday, his daddy would be gone. If the doctors were correct in their prognosis. My son wouldn’t know how kind his father was, how funny he could be, or how deeply Thomas loved him.

  Thomas was alone now. And he was only going to get sicker.

  I made a decision.

  Returning Ryan to the playpen, I reached for my cell phone. “Audrey, can I bring Ryan over to your place for a while? I have an errand to run.”

  “Sure.”

  “Thanks. I’ll be there in about twenty minutes.” I disconnected and then pressed in David’s phone number at the farm. When he answered, I asked, “Are you going to be at home this afternoon?”

  “Yeah. What’s up?”

  “We need to talk. I’ll be there in an hour.”

  “Everything okay?”

  “No. Yes, we’re fine. It’s… I’ll tell you when I get there.”

  Chapter Forty-Four

  “I still don’t understand why you have to move in with him.” David set his jaw and the muscle twitched.

  “I don’t expect you to understand. I do hope you can accept my decision and trust me, however.”

  He raked his fingers through his hair. “I do trust you. But the two of you share a history and a child. You and I are just getting started.”

  I cupped his bristly cheek. “You have no reason to feel threatened. I can’t just leave Thomas to go through this alone.”

  “I don’t see why a nurse can’t be hired to care for him, at least through the night. He’s asking too much of you, more than he has a right to expect.”

  “Thomas didn’t ask.” I closed my eyes and breathed in, exhaling heavily. “I want Ryan to be close to his father. Thomas needs to be with his son, too.”

  “What about what you need?”

  “This is what I need. We’re not talking forever. Thomas has only a few months…” My voice cracked and I struggled to hold back tears.

  David turned away from me, staring out the window.

  “Say something, please.”

  He faced me again. “What do you want me to say, Meg? That I’m fine with you moving in with your ex-husband? Because I’m not. Do you think if my ex called and said she was dying, I’d rush back to her to see her through? No. I’d feel bad, and I’d let her know I cared. But that’s it. I moved on, you need to do the same.”

  I stared at him, seeing him for the stranger he had become. This was it. He was forcing me to choose. “Maybe I’m asking too much of you. But I have to do this. I can’t just leave Thomas to die alone.”

  “He has family,” David shouted. “He won’t be alone.” He turned back to stare out the window. “I love you.”

  “And I love you. But I also care about Thomas.” I picked up my keys. “I’m going. It was a mistake to come here right now when my emotions about this are too raw. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Fine,” he said without facing me.

  When I reached the door, however, he looked at me. “If you haven’t come to your senses about this, don’t call.”

  The coldness in his voice sent a chill through me. Tears blurred my vision as I jabbed the key into the ignition and started the car. I sat for a moment, clutching the steering wheel, tears dripping onto my lap. I waited, hoping David would come after me. He didn’t.

  I was going to lose Thomas and, now, I stood to lose David, too. I blew my nose. David is a reasonable man, I told myself. He’ll understand once he gives this some thought.

  I let myself into Audrey’s apartment. “I have to tell you something. I need to explain what’s going on.” I told her about Thomas and swore her to secrecy until he had told his family.

  She shook her head. “God, Meg. That’s awful. I was praying for a better outcome.”

  “I just came from talking with David. I needed to tell him since I’ll be moving in with Thomas.”

  “Moving in? Are you sure that’s the best thing?”

  I nodded. “I’m sure. After Christmas. After Thomas tells his family.”

  “There are other options for him.”

  “Yes.” I shifted. “I know this might be hard to understand, but I loved Thomas for who he was before we married. Of course, there were things about him I didn’t know then. But in his heart, he’s still that same man. There seems little point in my holding onto hurt and anger now. You think you know what it is to love someone until that love is tested. And, believe me, it’s been a test. A huge test, and I guess this is, like, the final exam.”

  “You’re a better person than I could ever be,” Audrey said.

  I shook my head. “You don’t know that. You don’t know until the situation arises. You have a good and generous heart. Don’t make me out to be a saint.”

  She bit her lower lip and asked, “How is David with all of this?”

  “He wasn’t happy. Actually, he kind of gave me an ultimatum, wanting me to choose between him and Thomas.” My chin trem
bled. “Pretty sure it’s over between David and me.”

  “He’s probably threatened by your relationship with Thomas. Face it, Meg, not many women would put their lives on hold to care for a terminally ill ex-husband. I’m sure David will come around. He loves you.”

  “Maybe it won’t be enough.”

  The tea kettle whistled and Audrey turned off the burner before filling our mugs. “Preston says he’s never seen David so into a woman.”

  “Uh-huh. Well, David told me if I didn’t change my mind about moving in with Thomas, I didn’t need to bother calling him.”

  “Give him time. And I’m sorry about Thomas.”

  I swallowed hard. “He’s been a part of my life for ten years, since college. I can’t imagine not having him here.”

  ~ * ~

  During the sleepless night, I weighed out the cost of my decision. How could I turn my back on Thomas now? I knew a few people were going to have a field day with this, since it was Thomas who had initially abandoned me. If it were only that simple to say, ‘Well, you hurt me first.’ Most of those people couldn’t understand that you don’t just stop loving someone because they hurt you and you divorced them.

  I found myself inventorying Thomas’s behaviors from the time he and I first met. Had his sexuality been obvious and I’d turned a blind eye because I loved him? Continuing to live a charade in our marriage would have been the true deception. Not to mention the risk it would have carried for me if he had acted on his desires and then come home to my bed. All these months, I had wanted to be angry with Thomas, to play the role of the victimized wife. It was only after meeting David that I began to let that go and move forward.

  Now I wanted to lash out at David for being selfish and refusing to trust me. I had seen in him last night an insecurity and cold-heartedness I would never have guessed was there. I glanced at the bedside clock and then reached for my phone.

  “Hello?” He sounded groggy, as if I’d wakened him.

  “Hi. Did I wake you?”