Bumper to Bumper

by Doug DeMuro

  OK, fine, maybe I’m exaggerating a little. But the Acura NSX launch has been bungled so badly that I think it deserves a special look back in time to highlight all the key points, using real dates, and real facts, and only the occasional hyperbolic statement, such as: “When Acura originally announced the second-generation NSX, Jerry Seinfeld was just a Long Island high school student with a mullet and a Karmann Ghia.”

  So let’s go back to the beginning. To do that, we must return to 1991, when the original NSX came out. As I recall, the situation was this: at first, everyone was really excited about the NSX, because it combined Ferrari performance with the virtual certainty that, upon leaving your home, you would eventually reach your destination. Ferrari was not able to offer this certainty for another ten years, and even then, they couldn’t promise you’d be able to get back home again.

  But then what happened was, Acura let the NSX languish. Ferrari came out with another model, then another model, then another model, now with 500 horsepower, and yet the NSX was still basically the same old car, fifteen years later, using the same old V6, which was now only slightly more powerful than the one in an Altima. If the NSX were a child, its parents would’ve been scouring the newspaper classifieds by now, trying to buy it a used Civic.

  So Acura cancelled the NSX in 2005, and the entire automotive community let out a collective gasp, because we had no idea it was still in production.

  Fast-forward two years, and enthusiasts were already clamoring for another one. Mind you, this was during the time of the Carrera GT, and the Enzo, and the Ford GT, and the Mercedes SLR, and everyone was really performance hungry. So Acura jumped on the bandwagon, and Honda’s American chief executive announced in 2007 that a mid-engine, V10-powered NSX successor would reach the market by 2010.

  Just to be clear: this was 2007, when he said this. Eight years ago. Back when “twilight” was the thing that happened each night around 6 p.m., and not some movie where Kristen Stewart sucks your blood. Back when Michael Jackson was still alive and well, hanging out with all his llamas at Neverland Ranch. Back when all you needed to qualify for a mortgage was a pulse and the proceeds from a couple vending machine robberies.

  So anyway, Acura came out with this concept sports car, called the ASCC, and everyone got all excited, because it looked like the NSX was making a return. I don’t have access to the archives from the Honda forums, but I bet if you went back and looked at the 2007 posts, people would be saying things like: “HOLY CRAP THE NEXT NSX!” and “OH MY GOD THE NSX IS COMING BACK!”

  But then we plunged into the recession, and Acura sort of forgot about the NSX. The whole project wasn’t mentioned again until a couple years later, when it turned out that Honda was still developing a V10-powered sports car, but this time for racing purposes. Naturally, everyone assumed this would turn into the next NSX: a V10-powered Honda! Race car DNA! It’s finally happening! And if you go back and look at the Honda forums, I bet you’ll find some very excited people, saying some very excited things, such as: ”WOOO THE NSX IS RETURNING!” and “BRING ON THE NEW NSX!”

  But it was not to be. Although Honda did develop a V10-powered race car, and they did race this car in actual races, it never turned into an NSX. Instead, it only led to more speculation. Motor Trend reported that the new NSX was right around the corner. Robert Downey, Jr., drove a concept version in The Avengers. The world was again getting psyched, and the Honda forums were again abuzz with anticipation, posting things like: “NEW NSX IS GONNA BE HERE SOON” and “I CAN FEEL IT THIS TIME. THIS NSX IS HAPPENING!”

  Unfortunately, this speculation didn’t turn into a new NSX right away, either. Instead, Honda decided to release the NSX as a concept car—and they did so at the 2012 Detroit Auto Show, to considerable fanfare. A month later, there was a Super Bowl commercial with Jay Leno and Jerry Seinfeld. Now we were ready. The Honda forums were beside themselves. People were wildly excited, posting titles like “IT’S FINALLY HERE!!! HOLY CRAP THE NSX!!!” and “MY GOD NSX CONCEPT OMGLOL!”

  Well folks, THREE YEARS LATER, here we are. It’s been eight years since the original promise of a new NSX. Six years since the development of a V10-powered race car that we all thought would turn into an NSX. Five years since further speculation about the production-ready NSX. Four years since the NSX showed up in The Avengers. Three years since the concept car, and that Super Bowl commercial with Jerry Seinfeld.

  And after all this fanfare, and all this speculation, and all this excitement, and all this waiting, what happens on the day of the final unveiling?

  Ford. Ford happens.

  You see, after literally years of pomp and circumstance surrounding the NSX, Ford managed to upstage Acura on the day of the final NSX reveal with a far more exciting car that nobody knew anything about. Instead of talking about the new Ford GT for the last decade, and showing people drawings of the Ford GT, and sticking the Ford GT in movies, and hiring celebrities to do commercials with the Ford GT, and telling Motor Trend that the Ford GT was coming, and creating a Ford GT race car that never became a road car, Ford just a) developed the GT, and b) showed it to people. That was it. No bullshit, no speculation, no promises. Here’s our awesome car, Ford said. Don’t you love it?

  And the truth is, we do love the Ford GT. And frankly, we love the NSX, too. But the public reaction to both vehicles was laughably different. After years of high expectations, the collective feeling when the cover finally came off the NSX was: “About freakin’ time.” Whereas we went into the Ford press conference with almost no expectations, and we came out with stains on our pants.

  For proof, check the view counts on Jalopnik’s own articles: while the NSX story has managed only 91,000 clicks, the Ford GT has pulled in 673,000 interested readers. This is a highly scientific, tremendously professional measure that proves the new Ford GT is approximately 7.4 times cooler than the new Acura NSX.

  So let this be a lesson to automakers everywhere: when you want to reveal something cool, show, don’t tell. Because after years of speculation, and multiple concept cars, and dozens of promises, we all get a little sick of it. Even the Honda forums.

  Now, if you’ll excuse me, Acura is holding a press conference about the next NSX, which is due out in 2028. I am told it has wings.

  The Air Conditioning in a Used Car Never “Just Needs a Charge”

  Originally published on Jalopnik—January 20, 2015

  Today’s topic is: how to buy a used car without getting screwed. It’s brought to you by your old pal Doug DeMuro, noted Jalopnik columnist, who once purchased a BMW M3 from a shady used car dealer whose sales manager insisted that I make out the check to him personally.

  More specifically, I’ve decided to devote this column to a phrase you hear a lot when you’re looking for a used car. That phrase is: “The air conditioning just needs a charge.” Private sellers say this. Craigslist ads say this. Dealers say this. Everyone says this. This phrase has become so common that you get the sense, as a used car shopper, that there are just rows of used cars, dozens of used cars, sitting out there with their air conditioning depleted, drained, ready to be plugged in and replenished like an iPhone.

  Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to tell you: it’s all bullshit.

  To explain what I mean, allow me to teach you how air conditioning works. I’m able to do this because I am an expert in the field, in the sense that I have personally used air conditioning for approximately twenty-six years, and I can immediately detect when I am in a place that lacks air conditioning, such as the outdoors.

  Anyway, as I understand it, here’s how it works: There are several vents in your automobile, and possibly your home, that are hooked up to air conditioning ducts. If you were able to shrink down to a small size, like a thumbtack with legs, you would be able to follow these ducts to something that we in the HVAC community refer to as the “air conditioning unit.” I know this is highly technical writing, but please follow along, because there will be a quiz later.

&
nbsp; Now, the air conditioning unit includes three necessary components in order to work properly. Number one: refrigerant. Number two: a magical piece called the “compressor.” And number three, copper wire. We know this because thieves are always stealing copper wire from air conditioners in places like Mississippi, and then they get electrocuted, which is very sad for the homeowner because he is unable to fix his air conditioning until after the coroner removes the body.

  Now, here’s where the “needs a charge” thing comes in. When your air conditioner stops working, the problem can most likely be traced to one of four distinct possibilities. One: the compressor isn’t working. Two: there’s a leak somewhere in the system. Three: it needs more refrigerant. And four: a thief died while stealing your copper wire, and is currently being slowly consumed by wild rodents.

  More often than not, the problem lies somewhere deep within the air conditioner, where some key part has failed. This is usually an expensive part with some fancy name, such as the adapter tube restrictor mount, and in order to get to it your mechanic has to remove your dashboard, and your steering wheel, and your gauge cluster, and also slap you in the face with a surge protector.

  But I admit that occasionally the reason the air conditioning isn’t working is that the car simply lacks refrigerant. This is what people are talking about when they tell you the air conditioner “needs a charge.” You remove some stuff under the hood, you open up the refrigerant tub, you pour in the refrigerant, and BAM! Good as new, fully recharged, ready to blow cold air in your face for years to come.

  Only there’s a problem: adding refrigerant takes approximately four seconds. Dealers charge you $100 for the job, and the majority of that cost is the refrigerant itself. So you gotta wonder: if a car is sitting at a dealership, which includes a service department, and the air conditioning simply “needs a charge” … WHY DON’T THEY JUST CHARGE IT?

  The answer is: because the air conditioning doesn’t just need a charge. This is just a simple explanation that idiot salespeople tell idiot customers who desperately seek reassurance. In reality, the air conditioning needs that restrictor mount, so we’re going to have to start tearing down the dashboard, and can you please pick out a surge protector we can slap you with?

  In other words: “air conditioning needs a charge” is the modern-day equivalent of “owned by a little old lady who only drove it to church on Sundays.”

  There is, however, a huge benefit when a seller tells you the “air conditioning needs a charge.” And that is: you now have the advantage of knowing that you can’t trust anything he says. With some sellers, you think you can trust them, and you assume you can trust them, and you’re feeling that maybe you can trust them, and then it turns out that the timing belt is actually a piece of loose-leaf notebook paper. But the second “air conditioning needs a charge” comes out of the seller’s mouth, BOOM! This guy’s lying to me, and now I no longer have to believe anything he says.

  I’ll give you an example. As many of you know, I’m currently mired in the search for a used automobile to buy for the purposes of writing, and tweeting, and creating low-budget YouTube videos with a microphone the size of a stapler. So a couple weeks ago, I find a nice car on Long Island, and I’m talking to the seller, and I’m thinking I’ll just go ahead and buy it, sight-unseen, no inspection needed. And then I decide to casually ask about the air conditioning. His response: “Oh. It just needs a charge.”

  Needless to say, the car is now going in for a full pre-purchase inspection next week at a trusted mechanic. Fortunately, he didn’t try to tell me the car was owned by a little old lady who only drove it to church on Sundays. Then I would’ve slapped him with a surge protector.

  My Air Suspension Failed (Again): Another CarMax Warranty Update

  Originally published on Jalopnik—February 4, 2015

  There comes a time in the life of every Land Rover owner when he thinks about his children. Specifically, he thinks: “What’s a more reliable way to get my children to school: Drive them in my Land Rover? Or let them carpool with a heroin addict?”

  And for the first eighteen months I owned my Land Rover, I would’ve said this was an excellent question. After all: while the heroin addict will show up late and try to pawn your daughter’s contact lenses, the Land Rover will occasionally lock your children inside with no warning, and their only food and water will be whatever drips down from the headliner. So both choices are really bad, and if you’re faced with this situation, you might wonder if you are living out your own personal version of the 2016 presidential election.

  But then something happened to change my point of view. Namely, my Range Rover became reliable. That’s right, folks: for the last five months, I haven’t had a single problem. One hundred and seventy-eight days without an issue. Almost half a year without so much as a single unwelcome noise coming from this thing. It got to the point where I was pulling up in traffic next to Land Cruisers, rolling down my window, and thumbing my nose before tearing off in a flash of perfectly working British auto parts.

  But then, as I was walking up to the car last week, I noticed it: it was sagging. And I don’t mean merely sagging. The thing was listing to one side like a Russian trawler coming back from restricted fishing waters. Right then, I knew my warranty costs were about to surpass a used Honda.

  For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, allow me to provide a little background. You see, approximately two years ago, I purchased a 2006 Range Rover—the IKEA bookcase of automotive build quality—from nationwide automotive retailer CarMax (motto: “Got a pulse? We’ll finance you.”). During the transaction, I learned that CarMax offers a bumper-to-bumper warranty on every single car they sell, so I did the obvious: I paid $3,899 extra for six years and 67,000 miles of full coverage. And I’ve slept great ever since.

  I say this because my Range Rover has already suffered a series of catastrophic failures during my first two years of ownership, all covered by CarMax (motto: “No, seriously. We financed a labradoodle last week.”). They were:

  - February 2013: Replaced radiator and lower control arm bushings ($1,383.24)

  - October 2013: Replaced interior memory module ($337.32)

  - March 2014: Replaced tilt steering column motor ($785.19)

  - May 2014: Replaced leaking transmission sleeve, transmission pan gasket, and passenger-side air spring ($2,063.78)

  - August 2014: Replaced horn set ($179.74)

  And now, the suspension was sagging on the driver’s side. This could only mean one thing: a four-figure repair, entirely billable to CarMax (motto: “We checked him out first. All his friends confirmed he could sit, stay, heel, and usually fetch.”).

  So I called up the Land Rover dealer, I scheduled an appointment to come in, and I dropped off my car a few days later. And then horror struck: my Land Rover dealer called and told me that the part wasn’t covered, CarMax was denying my warranty claim, and I would be out of pocket more than $1,700 to replace my driver’s-side air spring.

  Now, at this point, I’m going to diverge from my CarMax piece here for a second and tell you a little something about Land Rover dealers.

  For those of you who aren’t aware, Land Rover service department customer satisfaction ratings are pretty bad. Not just pretty bad, actually: they’re the absolute worst in the entire luxury car industry. So awful that J.D. Power satisfaction scores place Land Rover further from the second-worst brand than the second-worst brand is from the best brand. Land Rover dealers are so terrible that you get the sense, after dealing with them, that you might have a better experience if they outsourced your entire service visit to a country where goats outnumber automobiles.

  To illustrate my point, allow me to describe several things that happened during this one single service visit to the Land Rover dealer.

  1. I was promised a “branded loaner car,” described by the technician as a “Jaguar or something,” and confirmed by the Enterprise guy to be “at least or a BMW or a Volvo.�
� I was instead given a two-year-old Chevy Cruze that smelled like the previous renter was a large human groin with a driver’s license.

  2. The dealer told me to “hurry in Thursday morning” so the car could be looked at right away. Now, I realize I’m known here on Jalopnik as the guy who sits around all day with no pants, but the truth is I have lots of clients and I work long hours, so this was a huge stretch for me. Still, I hurried in on Thursday morning, dropped off the car, and waited. And waited. And waited. At 4:30 p.m. on Thursday, the service writer called and informed me he didn’t have time to look at the car all day. “But definitely tomorrow,” he assured me.

  3. The dealer tried to sell me the “82,500-mile service” ($286.00 plus tax), until I patiently informed them that I had completed this service three months earlier at a different Land Rover dealer, and the record is undoubtedly in their computer system.

  4. The dealer recorded my mileage as 87,000, rather than the correct 84,000, which will result in a “mileage inconsistency” showing up on Carfax. This would bother me more if the car would be worth anything when I go to sell it, but—given that it’s a used Land Rover—we all know that it will have approximately the same value as a Sharpie three-pack.

  Anyway: the point I’m trying to make here is that the dealer hadn’t exactly demonstrated a high-quality operation throughout this process. In fact, the dealer had demonstrated the sort of operation I’ve come to associate with Comcast, and I was starting to wonder if their next call would be to inform me that my car would be ready “sometime in February, between the 2nd and the 6th.”