You’re a coward, Thorne, he told himself as he began to make his getaway. Lou didn’t deserve to be abandoned this way. Then he recalled how she had quietly told him she loved him, and a great fist clenched his heart.
“I’m sorry, Lou,” he said softly as he pushed the connecting door closed on her slumbering form. “I’m sorry I screwed us up.”
****
When Lou awoke, it was to find herself lying alone in her bed wearing nothing but a rectangle of sunlight that filtered through the filmy curtains on the French doors. She was exhausted. Every muscle in her body ached as if she had driven it to its extreme. Then she recalled how she had spent the majority of the night and understood why. Heat seeped into her face and chest at the memories replaying in her brain. For once she wasn’t remembering dreams about how Mason had made love to her, but actual events. She smiled. Reality had indeed exceeded fantasy. She’d never felt closer to anyone in her life, had never felt more cherished, more desired, more…loved.
She flexed her fingers open over the empty place on the cool sheet that had been steaming hot not long ago. Where had Mason gone? She listened for the sound of the shower and heard nothing, scanned the part of the room she could see for signs of his presence, but saw none. She pushed herself up from the mattress and sat on the edge of the bed. Yes, she definitely ached. But it was kind of a nice ache, really. Once she and Mason made love a few more times, and they worked the kinks out, she’d awaken every morning feeling languid and relaxed and satisfied.
Her smile broadened at that. She wasn’t sure she’d ever be completely satisfied where making love with Mason was concerned. Certainly she had little experience for comparison, but it didn’t take much to realize Mason Thorne was the kind of lover who would always leave a woman wanting more. The realization sent a thrill of excitement racing through her. She had a lover. A lover she actually loved. The only man she’d ever loved. Life was good.
But where was that man now?
Wrapping the bed sheet around herself like a sari, Lou wandered to the connecting door and rapped softly. “Mason?” she said.
When she received no answer, she tried again but still heard no reply. She dropped her hand to the knob and turned it, only to discover the door was locked. A numbing cold settled into her stomach. Mason had unlocked the connecting door as soon as they arrived at the hotel, and it hadn’t been locked again since the morning Lou had taken advantage of his queasiness to sneak away into town. They’d agreed after that to leave it unlocked again, giving each other full access to the rooms with courtesy and respect for each other’s privacy. Yet now the door was locked. And Mason had been the one to lock it.
Lou didn’t want to think about what that might mean. Maybe it was only an accident. Maybe when he’d gone to his own room this morning—for whatever reason, since why did he feel the need to go to his room this morning?—he had unintentionally locked the door behind himself. Of course, it was kind of hard to accidentally jam a dead bolt into place… But Mason didn’t seem to be in his room, anyway. So where could he be?
When her stomach growled, Lou had her answer. Breakfast. Of course. He must be downstairs in the restaurant. Naturally, it would have been nice—and kind of romantic—if he had ordered something from room service for them to enjoy together in the privacy of their room… Doing her best to ignore the creeping uneasiness that poked at the corners of her brain, Lou threw off the sheet and headed for the shower. Surely, she would find Mason in the dining room. Surely, he just hadn’t wanted to wake her. Surely, everything was fine.
Surely.
****
But when Lou went down to the dining room a half hour later in her breezy yellow sundress, she saw no sign of Mason. Inquiring at the desk, she was told Mr. Thorne had been down hours ago for breakfast, had left the hotel without leaving a message for Lou and hadn’t returned. Her heart sank at the news. Why was he trying to avoid her? His wasn’t exactly the behavior of a man who was devoted to the woman he’d spent the night making love to.
“When Mr. Thorne comes back,” she said to the desk clerk, a young woman about her age with dark hair and a pleasant smile, “will you give him a message for me?”
“Certainly, Miss Lofton.”
“Will you please tell him I’ve gone into town for a little while, but that I’ll meet him for dinner in the restaurant tonight at seven?”
The desk clerk scribbled the information on a card then promised, “I’ll see to it myself that Mr. Thorne receives your message.”
“Thank you.”
“It is good news, is it not, about our new president?”
Lou had started to turn away, but the desk clerk’s question made her pause. “What?” she asked.
“The final votes have been tallied, and General Papitou is now President Papitou,” she said, clearly pleased. “Life on Sonora will now truly be free.”
Lou smiled. “Congratulations. I’m very happy for Sonora. I know President Papitou will bring a lot of good to the island.”
For the rest of the day, Lou wandered through the streets of Madriga, exploring the open market in the center of town for mementos and souvenirs of her time there. She wanted to get a gift for Mason’s sister and brother-in-law to thank them for cat-sitting Roscoe, and she wanted to find something special for their baby who would be arriving soon. As she passed another stall selling jewelry, her gaze lit on a scattering of semiprecious stones that were the same color as Mason’s eyes. When she caught the vendor’s eye, she asked how much the gems were, and when he told her, she closed her fingers possessively over one. It was a fair price, even if she did have no idea what she would do with a loose stone the color of a summer sky.
By the time she returned to the hotel, she had used up the rest of her film and nearly exhausted her supply of traveler’s checks. As hard as she’d tried, though, she hadn’t been able to dispel a feeling of foreboding that accompanied her throughout the day. She braced herself as she approached the hotel desk, hoping her fear was all for nothing.
“Did Mr. Thorne return?” she asked the same clerk who had been there earlier.
“Yes, he did, Miss Lofton. He said to tell you he’s up in his room packing.”
Lou nodded sadly. Mason was packing for their return to the States in the morning, something she hadn’t had the heart to do yet. Why couldn’t they stay on Sonora for a little while longer? Just long enough to explore the changes in their relationship alone, without any interference from the outside world. The real world. She feared once they were back in Washington, they might not have the opportunity to get as close as they had here. There would be too many distractions. Too many reasons why they couldn’t find time to see each other.
As Lou stepped out of the elevator into the hallway, she found herself wishing for other things, too. Maybe if they could have awakened together this morning, blissfully groggy from the night’s passion and eager to enjoy each other again, they’d be together now. The fact Mason had left her to go into Madriga alone seemed to have put a distance between them that wasn’t there before. It was as if what they had shared together meant nothing to him, when it had meant everything to her. Was that the true? she wondered. Had their encounter been just another night to him?
Instead of going directly to his room, Lou decided to go to her own first. She needed a moment to prepare herself, to gather her thoughts and collect her wits. But when she saw the connecting door had been thrown open, she knew that would be impossible.
“Mason?” she called out as she set her purchases on the bed, trying to affect a casual posture.
“In here,” he said.
Lou took a deep breath before approaching his room, then paused at the door to watch him before entering. His canvas carry-on was unzipped and spread open on his bed, his clothes spilling from inside and scattered around it. Mason stood with his back to her at his dresser, stuffing toiletries into his shaving kit before turning to toss it onto the bed, too. When he did, he stopped to look at her, but seem
ed preoccupied by thoughts of something else. Lou held her breath, waiting to see what he would do.
“I have to leave tonight,” he finally said.
Of everything Lou had anticipated hearing him say when she saw him again, that statement was nowhere on her list. “Tonight?” she repeated. “But our flight home isn’t until tomorrow morning.”
“I’m not going home.”
Her confusion compounded. “What do you mean? Why not?”
“Well, not right away anyway,” he amended. “I’m catching a flight for Nicaragua to pursue a story that’s starting to break there. Then, depending on how that goes, I might take a few vacation days afterward to spend in Belize.”
“But—”
“I should be back in D.C. by the time Emily’s baby is born, though,” he added, cutting her off before she could protest. “That’s still what…three weeks away?”
“You’ll be gone for three weeks?” Lou asked, baffled.
He gave her question minimal consideration. “Yeah, about that.”
“But, Mason…”
Her voice trailed off when she realized she had no idea what to say. What was going on? What had happened in the last twelve hours to change him so completely? Last night he had looked at her as if she were the one woman on earth who could give him everything he wanted. Now he was looking at her as though she was just another colleague from the paper.
“But what?” he asked. “You can make it back to Washington by yourself.” He smiled amiably. “Hey, you’re the one who keeps pointing out that you’re a grown woman who can take care of herself.” He picked up a pair of socks from the pile of clothing on the bed and rolled them into a balk as he added nonchalantly, “Hell, you more than proved that last night.”
A cold hole opened up in the pit of her stomach. She could barely keep her voice steady as she asked, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Mason flinched when he heard the hurt in Lou’s voice. He didn’t want to hurt her. But he didn’t know what else to do. If he offered her even the smallest sign he returned her feelings for him, she would never get on with her life. He had to spell it out for her. In capital letters, if necessary. He wasn’t the kind of man who could make the commitment she wanted and deserved. He couldn’t be in her life in any role other than the one he’d been playing for six years. He had to show her he didn’t love her. Not the way she wanted him to.
He forced himself to face her fully and assume a bland expression. Then he told her, “I mean hey, you wanted to prove to me that you’re a grown woman who can take care of herself, and wow. Last night you succeeded very nicely. That was quite the performance.”
“Performance?” she echoed incredulously. “I wasn’t performing, I—”
“It’s okay, Lou,” he interrupted. “You’re not going to hurt my feelings. I know you were just trying to make a point. So you don’t have to sit there and tell me how, Oh, you weren’t performing last night. You meant every word you said, everything thing you did, and, by the way, it wasn’t having sex, it was making love. Oh, yeah, and it was the most incredible thing that ever happened to you, right? And you think you might be falling in love with me. Seriously, I’ve heard it a million times. I’ll get over it.”
As he stood there looking at her as if she were just any other woman he’d spent the night with, it was all Lou could do to keep the tears at bay. Becausee that was pretty much exactly what she had planned to tell him. Except for the part about thinking she was falling in love with him. She knew she was in love with him. She had been for years.
How could he make light of what they had shared last night? How could he think she had just had sex with him because she’d been trying to make a point? And how could he think she would be like any other woman? How could he?
“Actually, yeah, that’s exactly what I was going to say,” she told him. “Not because I was trying to prove a point, but because I really meant it. I do love you, Mason,” she added. “I’ve loved you for a long time. Can’t you see that? Can’t you feel it?”
Mason hadn’t been expecting her to admit it. And to hear her say it again, with such conviction this time, was nearly his undoing.
“It’s nice of you to say that, Lou,” he said indulgently as he began packing his things again. He focused on the task at hand as he continued, not wanting to see her expression. “But I think we both know better. It’s perfectly understandable that you’d be curious about how it would be between us. Truth be told, I was, too. But now you’re off the hook. It’s all good.”
All good. The words tumbled about in all the empty places of Lou’s heart. Maybe it was all good for Mason. But nothing would ever be good for her again.
“Mason, it wasn’t like that,” she tried again.
He glanced up at her with an easy smile. “Okay, whatever you say. Anyway, I have to catch a cab in a few minutes. I called Michaud, and he said he’ll be glad to give you a ride to the airport tomorrow.” After zipping his bag shut, Mason looked up at Lou one last time with an expression that could have meant anything. “You know, I owe you an apology about him. Maybe I was wrong about Albert. He seems to be a decent enough guy. And he likes you. Maybe next time he’s in D.C., the two of you could pick up where you left off.” He grinned again. “You have my blessing.”
Mason’s willingness to throw her at a guy he hadn’t trusted a few days ago was the last straw. Pushing herself away from the door, Lou mumbled, “Oh, Mason, how could you?”
Before he could respond, she stepped back into her room and slammed the door, and Mason heard the deadbolt shoot into place. His shoulders sagged with a dubious relief. The look on her face would haunt his dreams forever. If she only knew what his callous comments had cost him. If she only knew how much he hated having done what he did. But as bad as it had been to reject her this way, it would be worse to let her go on thinking there was a chance for them to be together.
Pushing his thoughts away, he hefted up his bag and headed for the door. It would be three weeks before he saw Lou again. By then, he was sure, the hurt would be mended.
He refused to think about whether it was her pain or his own he was trying to dismiss.
Chapter Ten
Lou’s trip back to the States was long, quiet, and blissfully uneventful. Paula Kelly met her flight at Dulles, full of praise and plans for her career. The newspaper was giving her a position in the newsroom, she declared, on the Caribbean beat. It was everything Lou had always wanted, professionally speaking. But it didn’t come close to filling the void Mason’s dismissal had left.
When she arrived at her apartment, she gave her plants a thorough watering and felt lonely without Roscoe to cheer her up. Though even he couldn’t ease the melancholy that had been with her since parting ways with Mason. Everything would be different between them now, she realized sadly. Nothing would ever be the same again. She had gambled he might come to love her the way she loved him, and she had lost it all. She’d had to discover the hard way she meant nothing more to him than any of the other women he’d dated. The night that had been a dream fulfilled for Lou had been nothing to Mason except a good time.
Lou fell back onto her couch and stared blindly at the ceiling. That hurt worse than anything else—that he now viewed her in the same light as every other woman on the planet. She had always taken some consolation in the knowledge that Mason’s feelings for her—even if they weren’t the ones she wanted from him—were at least unique. Maybe he had always felt like she needed supervision and protection, but at least those feelings had been reserved for her alone. Now he could just lump her in with the rest of the women he knew.
She held one of the throw pillows to her heart and relived every moment she’d spent on Sonora. Where had she gone wrong? How could she have so misjudged Mason and his feelings for her? Why couldn’t he love her the way she loved him? Now, every day she would have to sit at her desk at the newspaper and see Mason working on something that didn’t involve her, and she’d have to hear abo
ut the women he was seeing through the newsroom grapevine. And she’d be doomed for the rest of her life to compare every man she met to Mason Thorne—and none of them would come close to measuring up.
Maybe she could get a job with another newspaper. Hey, her own editor had told her the stories she’d written about Sonora had caught the interest of a lot of other newspapers. Lou could go anywhere—there was nothing to tie her to Washington anymore. All these years, she’d been hanging around because she was in love with Mason. All these years, she’d stayed here because of some misguided fantasy that maybe one day he would fall for her, too. He was right—she’d spent a lot of time lately insisting she was a grown-up, adult woman. Maybe it really was time she started acting like one. And the first order of business was to accept the fact that Mason did not, would not, and maybe even could not love her the way she loved him. Facing that ugly truth would go a long way toward helping her break free from her adolescent, schoolgirl dreams.
She pushed herself up off of the sofa and went to her closet to retrieve the electric typewriter Mason had given her for graduation. Fitting that a present from him would be instrumental in helping her make big changes in her life and leave her past behind. When she was seated at her dining room table with paper in the roller and a notebook by her side, Lou began to type. The first word that appeared on the stark white paper was “Résumé.” The last ones, she was sure, would be “Willing to relocate.”
****
Mason was hot. He was hot, wet, irritated, infuriated, and generally ticked off. He was also very, very lonely.
He was squatting in a grove ankle-deep with mud, somewhere so deep in the jungles of Central America he wasn’t even sure he was still in the country he was supposed to be in. Why did guys who wanted to overthrow banana republics have so much damned trouble getting organized? The guerillas he was following weren’t even established enough to have provided tents for everyone. Why couldn’t they just get their butts in gear and start the revolution already? Then Mason could go home where he had dry clothes and access to a shower. Then he could go home and be with Lou.
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