All Roads Lead Home

by Wasowski, Mary

  This letter is just a reminder for you to look at what’s in front of you, who’s standing in front of you with his heart in his hand and waiting for you to take it. You don’t always have to have all the answers to your questions. It’s like a roller coaster. Do you remember when we went to Disneyland, and you wouldn’t go on Space Mountain? I practically dragged you onto the ride— your tears nearly broke me sweet girl —but then I held your hand and promised you there was nothing to be afraid of. You trusted your big brother, and you had so much fun, you begged me to go back on. It was the first drop that you were most scared of. The part where you are on the edge and once there, no turning back. You just have to go for it. You gripped my hand and shouted as loud as you could, but then you let go and allowed yourself to feel the rush of the excitement flow through you. Well, baby girl? That’s what love is, and if you’re on the roller coaster ride right now, then open your eyes, let go, and allow yourself the ride of a lifetime. Do you want that? I hope you do, sweetheart, because I want that for you and my best friend. Let go and just love him.

  Let him love you back, and see where the wind takes you. Listen to your heart this time. Follow your heart and don’t question it. I love you, little sister. Remember, I’ll be watching.

  Love,

  Jamie

  “Oh Jamie! How did you know? How could you have known that this is what became of my life? I have everything I could want in this lifetime and the next, but I sit here and question every thought. I feel strangled by my fear. Am I afraid to take this risk with my heart? This is what I keep asking myself. Why am I making it so hard? I think you’re wrong, Jamie, you did have a crystal ball and saw my future before I could actually live it. These letters are a big ‘I told you so’ in-your-face reminders of how I chose wrong.”

  “Please Jamie, your words may not be enough, I need a sign to lead me in the direction I need to walk toward. Do I take a chance and try with Jagger again? Could I easily just fall back into step with him, and so casually walk away from my life in New York? This is what I need concrete proof on. I need to know that I’m choosing right this time.”

  “I miss you so much, Jamie. Your smile, especially your smile. Your faith in me is so strong. You always knew how I ticked, and which way the wind blew in my direction. I wish I had that now. It just doesn’t seem fair. Our time together was not long enough, big brother. I know I can’t blame myself for you dying. I wanted to be your savior, the hero that saved her big brother from his big bad cancer. For a while, I was, but I guess God had another plan. I don’t blame him anymore. I don’t think I really ever did, it was just my grief talking for me.”

  “I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, big brother, but I promise to try. I promise not to stay trapped in my past and concentrate on my present. As for the future? You have to be patient with me and give me some time. Good night, Jamie. Keep watching me from heaven.”

  I tucked his letter under my pillow, and tears poured from my eyes. These were the times where I missed my brother the most. If I closed my eyes, I could picture Jamie smiling and practically see his faith in me materialize. He was my hero, my big brother. I fell asleep to the sounds of Ed Sheeran. Listening to love songs and dreaming of Jagger, finally lulled me into a much needed slumber. I was on Space Mountain again, readying myself to let go. The screams from the other riders accelerated my own adrenaline as I looked over to Jamie.

  “Are you ready, Tumbleweed? Here comes the drop.”

  I had no time to think and raised my arms up to the sky and screamed out my excitement. I felt so alive on that ride, and with Jamie by my side, I felt protected. It’s what Jagger was asking of me now. He wanted me to let go and take the ride with him.

  THE MORNING LIGHT was slowly brightening my room as the day met the dawn. Surprisingly, I was feeling better. I must have cried for hours after reading Jamie’s letter, and then listening to sad love songs on the radio. I finally shut it off, and my mind too.

  I gave my body a deep stretch, then opened up my laptop. I probably had hundreds of e-mails to go through and a much needed phone call to make. I knew I had to speak with Tommy today, then Mr. Steele. I had this strong feeling something wasn’t right back in New York. I mean, Tommy getting attacked on his own job site? He never had to deal with any kind of trouble for as long as I’ve known him. Sure he would have run-ins with work crews, but it never reached a physical beat down like Tommy endured. And this whole Roxy/Tommy love connection? Where the hell did that come from? He was always kind to her when he would stop by the office. I would see them chat and Roxy flirt a little, but how could she not? He was gorgeous and very available. My initial reaction surprised me, but maybe because I recently slept with him and compromised our friendship. He assured me that we would always be friends, and he would always love and care for me in that way. It was me that never wanted anything more because that was always what I wanted with Jagger.

  I can say that in my head and feel it in my heart, but why can’t I say it out loud to him? He needs to hear my answer and will probably not relent until I give it. What the hell am I waiting for? Just go to him you foolish woman and take back your man. Oh god! I can’t wait to tell this story to Zoey. She is going to flip out, but let me talk to Tommy first.

  I dialed his number before I chickened out, and I thought his voice mail was going to pick up, but on the final ring, he said hello. Just the sound of his voice put me at ease.

  “Hi,” was all I could manage before he spoke again. “Are you okay? I heard about your attack. Please tell me that Zoey is not lying to me, and you are as well as she implored me to believe. Please tell me you really are okay.”

  “I’m on the mend. Not as pretty as you remember, but I’ll heal.”

  “Tommy, no jokes right now. Please tell me what happened? I need to know. If you don’t tell me now, then I will get on a plane and come to you, but I need to know.”

  “Coming back to New York is the last thing I want you to do.” His words hurt.

  “What is it, Tommy? Please tell me.”

  “You’re in danger, Tenley. We all are. Beating the hell out of me was the first message. The second was your apartment being ransacked. Whatever they were looking for, they didn’t get, but they promised they would be back until they right the wrong and seek justice for their fallen soldier. By the way, all has been cleaned up, and your apartment has been returned to its pristine manner. Roxy took care of it for you.”

  “I don’t understand. Fallen soldier? What does this even mean? And why my apartment? I can’t believe my building manager didn’t call me.”

  “Your apartment has been locked down. It’s part of an investigation. I have a security detail on me, as well as at my job sites and crews.”

  Now it all makes sense. Fallen soldier? This has to do with Tommy’s case and the players involved who I sent to prison. “Tommy, I’ll be on the next plane out of here. I have to get back to my office. No way in hell are these bastards going to get away with this.”

  “No, Tenley, you can’t. The FBI has already been called in. I suspect you will be hearing from Agent Paulson soon. Please stay where you are. You are safer there, and if they haven’t found you yet, then it’s a good chance they don’t know. The minute you step back into New York, they will, and I can’t risk you getting hurt. Please promise you will stay where you are.”

  “Okay, I promise. Are you going to be okay?”

  “I will. Like I said, it was just a warning. It could have been way worse. I have Roxy staying with me. She’s been great.”

  “How great?” I couldn’t help to ask.

  “I know what you’re thinking, and you have a right to. We are probably the most opposite pairing you ever want to meet, but she just kind of happened when I didn’t see her coming.”

  “Will you tell me about it?”

  “Not much to tell. A couple of nights after you left, we were at a bar with mutual friends. We got to talking, dancing, and then, well you know what happened next.
I thought it would be just a hook-up and then nothing, but I discovered that I really liked her. She’s so cool, funny, and free. She has no hang up’s about anything. She’s just staying, and what surprises me the most is that I want her to. Who knows what will happen, but I’m not questioning it. Are you okay with this?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be? You have always been there for me, and I love you. You deserve to be happy, and if Roxy makes you feel all those feelings, then go for it. I will not stand in your way.”

  He let out a sigh so loud that I could hear it on my end of the call. Tommy didn’t need my approval for anything, but for some reason he asked for it anyway.

  “Thank you, friend. I love you. Please be safe and keep in touch.”

  “I will. And Tommy…?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Be happy. I love you too.” I disconnected my call and looked up to see Jagger standing before me.

  “Hi, what are you doing here? I can’t believe I didn’t hear you come in,” I said.

  “I’m not surprised, on account how you were just saying ‘I love you’ to some other guy.”

  “Jagger, it’s not what you think, so please let me explain before this gets out of hand.”

  “Okay, explain.”

  I almost laughed, but that wouldn’t be the right thing to do right about now, not when Jagger was breathing fire. I’m always being accused of flying off the handle going from 0 to 50 in a heartbeat, Jamie even said it. But here stood Jagger, looking like he was ready to explode, and here I was the calm one.

  “Tommy’s my friend, and yes, I told him that I loved him because I do, as a friend. He’s been hurt, physically hurt, and I had to know he was okay.”

  “Is he okay? Will you tell me what happened?”

  “He’s healing from his injuries and should make a full recovery. He’s back home and being nursed back to health by my assistant who works for me.”

  “And the story gets better and better.”

  “I wish it was a fun story, but it’s more complicated than that.”

  “Tenley, you keep dancing around your relationship with him. Did you have something with this guy? Something more than friendship?”

  I so didn’t want to have this conversation with Jagger, but he was not giving up. I guess this is where the trust part comes in. He can’t hold me accountable to who I slept with when we were apart, just like I would never hold him to his past. I pushed my laptop aside, and asked him to sit down beside me. He shrugged his jacket off and slowly came over to the bed.

  “How’s the leg this morning?”

  “It’s okay. I tried to ride She-devil, but it was hard mounting her, even with the help from the block.”

  “Jagger, I know you must be itching to get back on your horse, but please give yourself some time.”

  “You’re right about that, and I will. You had to see her Tenley, she came to life when I walked through the barn. I had to let her know it wasn’t her fault for throwing me off of her. It was like she needed my assurance or something. I don’t know how to explain it.”

  “I understand more than you know. It was the same for me when I saw Jazzy. In my case, she probably felt abandoned by me, but didn’t hold any grudges against me. She welcomed me and took me for the ride of my life. It was like returning home.”

  “Yeah, I get that baby, because you are home. When are you going to realize that?”

  “I’m getting there, I just need more time.”

  “Time I have, patience I don’t. Now tell me about Tommy.”

  “Wow, I thought you may have forgotten.”

  “Not a chance.”

  “Tommy’s a friend, nothing more. He and Zoey were my first friends in New York, and have been in my life since day one. They are both very special to me. Tommy is also my client. I represented him in a land deal that he was trying to acquire, but he was getting muscled by some shady characters. They wanted to take over his business, and I stopped them. We got closer with all the extra time we were putting in, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention when his feelings changed for me into something more. I never saw it, kind of like what happened with Shane. I told him we would only be friends, and he accepted that until one night a few weeks back where I crossed the line.”

  “What happened?”

  “It was the biggest win of my career at the firm. It was also the anniversary of Jamie’s death, and then add a guilt trip of not just a phone call from my mother, but Wendy too. I felt like I had a vise around my neck and I just didn’t want to think or feel anything. I showed up on his doorstep, and well, do I need to paint you a picture? You know what happened, please don’t make me say it. I was ashamed and felt so small afterwards. I left him there and went back to my apartment, only to find a letter from my dead brother. He listed everything in great detail how disappointed he was in me for the life I’d been living and how I broke my promise to him. I proved him right by making yet another reckless choice that not only hurt me, but my friend too. It wasn’t fair of me to treat Tommy any less than he deserved. Reading Jamie’s letter nearly gutted me. To read his last words to me, and then having to be reminded of the life I walked away from, hurt like hell.”

  “I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Ten. As for this guy, Tommy, it was just one time?”

  “Yeah, one time, and once again a very big mistake on my part. It was stupid and reckless, and I should have known better, but I fucked up. What else is there to say?”

  “Nothing baby, nothing. Thank you for telling me and I’m sorry I even asked. I just need to know where your head is at. I know I’m asking a lot of you right now, but that’s only because I believe with my whole heart that we have a chance this time. I just need you to believe it too.”

  I did believe it. Maybe it was Jamie’s letter or me voicing the words out loud, but I did believe it and now I was going to show Jagger how much.

  “Make love to me, Jagger. Right here, right now. I want you to make love to me.”

  “Are you sure? Because once you say yes, I swear baby, I will not be able to stop.”

  “Yes. Jagger, my answer is yes.”

  Jagger walked back toward the door and locked it. He told me we were alone in the house. Thank God! I thought as I watched Jagger begin to take his clothes off. I was already wet between my folds as my body achingly craved for Jagger to be inside of me.

  He asked again, “Are you sure?”

  “Yes! Jagger, I’m sure. Please fuck me.” I blurted out.

  “Oh I intend to, but I will make love to you first.”

  “I don’t care, just please don’t make me ask again.”

  I was only wearing a camisole and panties. It wasn’t hard to remove me from my clothing, but Jagger took his time. He pushed me back to the bed and parted my legs with his hands. He leaned in and kissed me first on my lips and then to each breast before making his way down to my already drenched sex.

  He buried his face between my legs and inhaled my arousal for him, and only him. He seemed pleased with himself, as I began to flex my pelvis up toward his mouth. I couldn’t be clearer of my intentions. I wanted his mouth on me, deep with his tongue thrusting inside of me.

  Removing my panties with his teeth, he inhaled once more and entered me with his finger. I cried out, and he entered a second finger as my hands latched onto his hair and pulled him closer down on me. He didn’t disappoint. I calmed myself and waited for Jagger to take me.

  “Yes,” I cried out as my first orgasm hit, and then quickly a second. Jagger would not stop. He thumbed my clitoris and continued to finger fuck my throbbing sex. Proof of my orgasm was all over his face, but it turned me on more. I reached up and grabbed his face and took his mouth on mine. Tasting myself was so fucking erotic, I wanted more. I wanted Jagger. He kissed me savagely as we crashed our mouths together.

  With one tug, my camisole top was ripped from my body as he tasted my breasts next. He sucked hard on my right nipple, pulled and twisted until I screamed his name. No
t letting me catch a breath, he gave the left the same treatment. My nipples were on fire, a feeling coursing through my body. He bit, licked, and raked his teeth over my sensitive breasts once more until I came again.

  His steel rock hard cock was pressed against my entrance, teasing me with every move he made. Jagger reached for his pants and retrieved a condom from his wallet. Now was not the time to ask about each other’s health records. I knew I was clean and didn’t doubt him. I took the condom from him and ripped it open with my teeth. As I kept the condom on my lips, I slowly and sensually slid it down his hardness and just about made his eyes roll behind his head.

  To see Jagger come undone like this was a beautiful sight to witness. I’d missed this so much. Our lovemaking was never awkward or complicated. We just fit with each other. He positioned himself on top of me with his knee parting my legs. He took in my wetness as evidence of my arousal glistened visibly.

  “You are so beautiful. I can’t wait to be inside of you. I love you, Tenley. I am never letting you walk away from me again. I swear it baby, never again.”

  I said nothing as he pushed deep inside of me. I felt the instant burn of his thick cock, as my body got reacquainted with his. He moved effortlessly in and out, continuing to thrust harder and faster. I was aroused as my muscles tightened around him, my body climbed higher and higher as my orgasm intensified. I was close and so was he.

  All of our time apart and I never felt more connected with Jagger, as I was here with him now. His hands clutched against the sides of my head, pulling lightly on my hair, just enough to make me feel it. He dominated my mouth and called out my name. He held on tightly, as my fingernails clawed his tight, round ass. It was my turn to scream his name, and then he flipped me over and took me from behind.