Secrets of Desire

by Shaw,LK

  He refused to speak to or even look at me the rest of the drive. He had his seatbelt unbuckled and jumped out of the car, cradling his ribs, clearly in pain, before I could even come to a complete stop.

  “Just leave me alone.” He started walking in the direction of his house.

  I thought about calling him back, but there wasn’t anything I could say to him to make him feel better, so I did the only thing I could. I slowly followed behind him as he made his way home. Once he got inside, I waited in my car down the block to make sure he didn’t need me, even though I noticed Malcolm’s car was missing. After an hour passed and Malcolm hadn’t returned, I left and hoped for the best. The threat of the investigation was leverage Alex could use if things got out of hand. He was a smart enough kid; he wouldn’t hesitate to use it.

  Chapter 18

  Bridget

  It had been the week from hell. I spent almost every day since Monday with the mother of all headaches. It all started on Sunday evening when Connor called and even though I pushed as hard as I could, he refused to tell me what Alex’s uncle was being investigated for. Then, on Monday evening, I got a call from my security company about an alarm going off at the store. Police had been dispatched when the security monitors showed someone had tried to break in through the back door. I met the police there to make sure that nothing had been stolen.

  On Wednesday night, someone had thrown a brick through the front window so I had to close up shop for the next two days while it was being replaced. I’d barely slept a wink all week, especially after the phone call from Connor, who I hadn’t seen since Eden last Saturday.

  I was stressed beyond my limit, and any second now, I was going to break. Not that I didn’t want to meet Alex, but I was so nervous. What would we talk about? How would I explain to him my reasons for giving him up?

  We had decided on a neutral place for the meeting so we chose the city park. I got there an hour early but was a ball of nervous energy, and I couldn’t sit still. I traveled from one bench to the swings, back to another bench. I sat for five minutes before I bounced back to the swings. I sat in one and kicked my legs to propel me further in the air. Back and forth I swung, thinking about how my life would be different if I had kept Alex. I don’t know why I tortured myself with coulda, woulda, shoulda, but the thoughts snuck up on me at least once every few days.

  I was on a downward swing when I spotted them. I dug my heels into the ground to stop my momentum and brought myself to a halt. I stood up from the swing, and as they got closer, I braced myself for the first good look at my son. Pictures weren’t the same as seeing someone in the flesh, and he’d dashed away so quickly at the restaurant that I never got a great look. After what felt like an eternity, they reached the place I stood. We all stood there, the tension so thick I could have cut it with a knife. I ran my gaze up and down Alex, memorizing everything about him. My whole body was shaking.

  Connor was the one to finally break the silence. “Alex, this is Bridget.”

  He gave a shy smile and little wave. “Hi.”

  Tears threatened, but I tried to hold them back. I returned his smile with a watery smile of my own. “Hi. It’s nice to meet you, Alex.” I was suddenly self-conscious and drew a blank on what to say next. Oh, God, he’s going to hate me. I don’t even know what to say to my own son.

  Again, Connor saved the day. “Maybe you guys could go sit over there and talk. Get to know each other.” He pointed to the closest park bench surrounded by colorful flowers and greenery.

  Alex shrugged and headed over there. I was a little slow to follow. Connor touched my arm. “Relax. He’s nervous too, you know. Talk to him like a normal kid. Ask him about school, his hobbies. Don’t worry about getting too deep today unless he wants to. Just get to know each other. You’ll be fine.” He bussed a light kiss on my cheek and swatted me on the butt to get me moving.

  His words and the swat were the kick in the pants I needed. This meek and mild person was not who I was. I was strong. I could do this.

  Alex had already taken a seat on the bench so I sat down next to him. Connor left us alone, but still remained in sight. I looked over at Alex and wondered what he was thinking. “I bet you have a lot of questions for me.” Nothing like breaking the ice.

  He drew designs in the dirt with his toes and shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

  Wow, this was harder than I thought. “Feel free to ask. I’ll try to answer as honestly as I can.”

  He didn’t say anything for a minute. I could tell he was forming a question. “Why?”

  And there it was. The million dollar question. I assumed he meant why I gave him up. “Why did I give you up for adoption?” I clarified, just to make sure we were on the same page.

  He nodded tightly.

  I took a deep breath and gave him the best explanation I could. Nothing like getting the hard stuff out of the way first, I guess. “My mom died when I was seven. From then on, it was just my dad and me. He wanted to do everything he could to provide me with the things I needed, so he worked two jobs. I rarely saw him. The neighbor lady watched me a lot while he was always working. We were close even though I was a little resentful that we never got to spend a lot of time together. This continued until I was old enough to stay home alone. But I was lonely.

  “When I was only a couple years older than you are now, a boy told me he liked me and wanted to be my boyfriend. We were together for a few months when, one day, I realized I was pregnant. I was so scared, because I was sure my dad was going to kill me. I hid it from him for as long as I could, but when it was impossible to hide any longer, I broke down and told him. We talked for weeks about what we would do. He told me he would do everything he could to support me.”

  Alex had turned slightly toward me and was listening intently. I cleared my throat and took a sip from the bottle of water I’d brought with me before I continued.

  “I knew how I’d grown up. Never seeing my dad because he always worked. I was still in high school. I didn’t have the skills to go and get a job that would support me and a baby. My dad had already busted his ass for ten years working two jobs just to support the both of us. What would happen if we added a baby to the mix? And I couldn’t go to your biological father’s family. He refused to acknowledge that you were his. And his family believed him over me. I knew that a baby needed clothes every couple months, diapers, formula, toys, and all the other array of things. I had no idea how I was going to be able to take care of you.

  “I ran every scenario through my head. What happened if you got sick? We didn’t have the money to pay for medical bills. It took me a long time to resign myself to the fact that there was no way I could give you the kind of life you deserved. And even though you were just this little thing growing inside my belly, I knew I had to do what I thought was best for you even if it broke my heart to do it. And I swear to you Alex, it shattered me. I couldn’t think of myself though. So, I found a family I thought could give you all the things I knew I couldn’t.”

  I breathed a small sigh of relief, having finally gotten that off my chest. I couldn’t believe how freeing it was to finally let Alex know why I had done what I did. Even if he hated me, saying the words out loud, even now, I knew my choice back then had been the right one. I almost felt the heavy burden of guilt lighten off my shoulders. I would still always wonder what could have been, but I could now accept my choice no matter how difficult it was.

  I tried to gauge his response to my story. He hadn’t moved other than when he shifted toward me when I first started talking, so I wasn’t sure how he took everything.

  He studied me intently and didn’t say anything for the longest time. Beads of sweat dripped down my back. The words he spoke just then made me jerk back in surprise. “Thank you. I may not have a perfect life, but I was loved and taken care of. I can’t imagine being so young and having to make such a hard decision. I’m sure you did the best you could. So, yeah, thank you.”

  I burst into tears. T
he horrified look on Alex’s face should have made me laugh, but it only made me cry harder. Warm arms wrapped around me and Connor pulled me close, and I buried my face into his hard chest and bawled. I could hear the confusion in Alex’s voice as he asked, “What did I say? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make her cry.”

  “Just give her a minute,” Connor told him. He cradled my head against him as the tears continued. I wrapped my arms around his waist, and it was like I’d come home. I absorbed his strength and let out a shuddering breath as the final tears fell. Once I had myself under control, I wiped away the last of the tears.

  I turned to Alex who looked like he was about to burst into tears. “You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that. I was so afraid you were going to hate me. To hear you thank me threw me for a loop. I didn’t expect that.” I thought about the phone calls he’d made to me then. I needed to know what was going on.

  “Alex,” I tentatively began. “Why did you call me for help? I had no idea what was going on, and I was terrified when you hung up on me both times.”

  A number of emotions flashed across his face, fear being the most prevalent one. His gaze darted to Connor, apparently unsure of what to say. Connor cleared his throat before speaking. “It was a mistake. There is nothing you need to worry about.”

  The guilty expression on Alex’s face said otherwise. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at Connor. “Is that right?”

  The stare-down between us was tense and Alex was shifting his weight back and forth in nervousness. Connor dropped his voice an octave and sent me his fierce Dom glare. “Yes, Bridget, that’s right.” I wouldn’t be intimidated though. I was in mama bear mode at the moment.

  “We’ll talk about it later,” I warned him.

  “There’s nothing to talk about Bridget. I said there was nothing to worry about, and there isn’t. Now let it go.” Alex sensed the determination behind Connor’s words. He didn’t seem to understand the tone even if I did, and he actually moved closer to me, apparently to protect me from Connor. For Alex’s sake, I followed Connor’s instructions and let it go. For now.

  We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about Alex’s hobbies and things he enjoyed. I told him about his grandfather and my shop. We got to know each other little by little. Finally, Alex said he needed to get back to the foster home where he’d been staying.

  Hesitantly, I asked for a hug. He didn’t move for a moment, then he wrapped his arms around me. When I hugged him back, he flinched in pain. I jerked back in surprise. I glanced over in question at Connor, but he just stared back at me, silent. I embraced him again, keeping my hands only lightly around him, and ran my hand down his head. I breathed in his smell and when we broke apart we both had tears in our eyes. He waved goodbye, and he and Connor left with an assurance from Connor that he would call me later.

  I stared at the three of them with hate-filled eyes. This was all her fault. I walked away, making plans to take care of business any way I had to.

  Chapter 19

  Bridget

  I didn’t typically work on the weekends, but I was so far behind on my inventory that I needed to get caught up. I also figured it was a great way to keep my mind busy after meeting Alex today. Even Gina made mention of how neglectful I’d been with it lately. Between worry about Alex and my frustration with Connor, my focus was constantly elsewhere. I was glad I had great employees like Gina to pick up my slack. The customers loved her, and she had an eclectic sense of style that surprised most people, considering the borderline frumpy clothes she wore outside of Eden. For a woman in her mid-twenties, she more often than not dressed like someone’s grandmother.

  I worked at the boutique much later than I had planned, and it was dark by the time I finished my task and locked up. I didn’t worry about walking home alone this late, even being this close to downtown. While we had the occasional break-in and car theft, there wasn’t as much crime as you’d think for a town our size. I enjoyed the crisp, night air as I took in the smells of the city. I could faintly hear the thumping beat of music coming from the bar-lined street a few blocks away.

  I thought about the college kids who were just starting their lives and had no worries beyond partying and having to get up early for a class. They had no idea about real life. It must be wonderful to be that free. Shaking off my melancholy, I opened the front door of my building and headed up the flights of stairs to my condo on the third floor. I could have taken the elevator, but I liked the exercise.

  With my mind elsewhere, I didn’t notice my front door was slightly ajar until I reached out to stick my key in the lock. I knew I’d closed it tightly and locked it before I left, so my senses were now on alert. I cautiously opened the door further and peeked my head in before stepping inside, not sure what to expect. I flipped the light switch next to the door, but the room remained dark. I attempted it again, but still nothing. Slowly my eyes adjusted to the darkness. As I warily walked inside and headed toward the kitchen to see if another light would work, I dug out my phone and dialed 9-1-1. All was quiet, but my hair stood on end. I couldn’t tell if anything was out of place until I tripped over something and fell to my hands and knees with an oomph just as the operator answered. My phone skidded across the hardwood to the other side of the room.

  “Shit,” I muttered, as I picked myself up off the floor, my knees burning from the impact. No sooner had I stood and dusted myself off as I was grabbed from behind. A strong arm wrapped around my waist, trapping one of my arms against my side while the other covered my mouth to stifle my scream. The intruder hauled me up against his chest and dragged me toward the back of the condo where my bedroom was located. Oh my God, was I about to be raped?

  I kicked and struggled, and using my free hand, I tried to pry his hand from my mouth to no avail. I couldn’t get loose. Panic threatened to overwhelm me, but I forced myself to calm down and think. My dad made me take a self-defense course when I first moved into my place, and I tried to remember my training. I forced myself to go limp, suddenly making myself dead weight. With the unexpected move, he almost dropped me and had to readjust his handhold. I grabbed my chance.

  In one fluid move, I tightened my body suddenly and jerked my head up, feeling a crunch when the back of my head made contact with his face.

  “Fucking bitch, you broke my nose,” rasped the nasally complaint behind me. My ears rang when the punch came to the side of my head. My vision blurred, and I shook my head to clear it. Before he had a chance to cover my mouth again, I drove my bony elbow into his gut and started screaming loud enough to bring the house down.

  The man recovered from the jab I gave him and threw me to the ground. He dropped to his knee and started punching me, first in the face causing my head to snap to the side and my teeth to rattle. Blood filled my mouth. Punches continued to rain down on me, most hitting my ribs and kidneys, but occasionally he aimed for my face. On the verge of passing out from the pain, I heard the faint call of sirens in the background. Thank God.

  As abruptly as the assault started, it stopped. I lay frozen on the floor, and out of the one eye that hadn’t swollen shut, I saw the man run out the front door. I hissed in pain when I tried to move so I continued to lie there, helpless while I waited for someone to come to my rescue. I hadn’t waited long when I heard footsteps racing down the hall. They stopped just outside the door and then the yelling came.

  “Police! Is everything okay in there?” one of the disembodied voices outside my door asked. I almost laughed at the ludicrous question, but it hurt too much. Fuck no, everything wasn’t okay in here. I groaned in agony, and a raspy, “I’m in here” came out. I cleared my throat and spoke louder. “I’m in here. I’m hurt pretty badly.”

  “Ma’am, are you alone?”

  “Yes, he ran away right before you got here. Please, I think I need to go to the hospital.” I winced when I tried moving again.

  “We’re coming in,” the same voice warned. Two shadows crossed in front of
my doorway, and I could tell that whoever it was had guns. I flinched and blinked when a flash of bright light shone down on my body. One of the cops rushed over to me while I heard the other calling for backup and EMS on his radio.

  He dropped to his knees next to me. He started to reach out and touch me, but thought better of it. “Jesus, ma’am. The ambulance will be here soon. Do you know who did this?” he questioned.

  I started to shake my head no, but every inch of my body hurt. “No, he was here when I got home. My door was open and when I walked in to investigate, he grabbed me after I tripped over something.”

  The second police officer called out, “There’s an ottoman pushed out in the middle of the floor. It’s the only thing that seems to have been disturbed.”

  The police officer next to me was young and cleared his throat before asking his next question. “Ma’am, I’m sorry to have to ask you this, but did he hurt you or touch you in any other way?” He looked extremely uncomfortable, shifting uneasily, and didn’t make eye contact with me.

  I knew what he meant, and I reassured him that I had not been sexually assaulted. The roar of more sirens came louder as additional emergency personnel arrived. Commotion sounded in the hall as the stretcher and paramedics exited the elevator and made their way into my place. The paramedics questioned me about my pain. They took vital signs and a cursory exam of my injuries before rolling me as gently as possible onto the stretcher. I couldn’t help but cry out in pain with the movement. Just as they loaded me onto it, a familiar, but now grim, face came into my line of sight.

  Daniel stopped directly in front of me. He reached out, pushed my hair back, and gently touched the left side of my face that had been spared most of the earlier punishment. He wiped away tears I had no idea were even falling. “Who the fuck did this to you, Bridget?”