by J. K Harper
“I’m not sorry I did that. I know you don’t like being touched without warning. Abby told us all.”
Abby was nice. So nice. Leaving her would hurt too.
“But,” Haley watched her so closely now Marisa was halfway sure the other woman was trying to read her mind, “I think that’s not true anymore.”
“What’s not true?” Marisa’s whisper was too low for a normal human to hear, but Haley and her super sensitive hearing could pick up on her words no matter what.
“That you don’t crave closeness with other shifters. I think the outcasts messed you up. All shifters enjoy touch. Cortez told me that, and he was right. Because they need to be close to one another, they need to know the others are there for them. I think the outcasts tried to ruin that for you. But it didn’t work. And you needed a hug. And I gave you one, and I hope you don’t hate me for it. Because when I was really sad, I needed hugs too. So I’m not sorry, because I can tell it didn’t bother you as much as you were afraid it would.”
Marisa’s mouth would have hung open, but she was keeping herself tucked up, tucked into herself, like she usually did to stay safe. She found herself saying, “It wasn’t terrible. It was really thoughtful of you. Thank you,” she whispered.
Her mountain lion flitted through her, hisses and growls muted. But still there. She tugged at Marisa. Tugged at her to go.
Haley turned to head back into the dining room. Then she stopped quick and turned back to Marisa. “Don’t leave. You’re wanted here. I can tell Riley likes you. And his kids seem to adore you. And you’re not the enemy. Stay.”
“How—why would I be leaving?” Marisa held her breath, waiting for Haley’s answer.
Haley sighed. “Because you think you’re not wanted. But that’s not true. Don’t leave them. Don’t leave us, Marisa.” Her expression was suddenly fierce. “You are wanted here. And if you need a new home, I think this is a really great place to make that happen. It’s working out really well for me so far,” she added, that little smile lighting up her face again.
That look meant she was thinking about Cortez, her mate, the one who’d turned her because she wanted it. She’d loved him so much, she wanted to become a shifter too. That was love. At least, Marisa thought so. She’d never had love before, or seen it be a healthy, good thing between two people. Her parents had been…monsters.
Her cat paced and muttered inside her, sending shivers of nervousness skittering through her.
“Maybe we could be friends too,” Haley offered shyly. “Pix is my bestie, and Abby and Jessie are awesome, but there’s always room for another friend. Always,” she said firmly. “Especially someone as nice as I suspect you are under that mask you like to wear. And I can tell you’re good for Riley. And his kids.” Her tone turned solemn again. “Don’t leave yet, Marisa. Please.” She held out her hand, as if to take Marisa’s and lead her back into the dining area.
Don’t leave. The words hung between them again, but this time not heavy. Not ugly.
Hopeful. Kind. Welcoming.
Bad kitty hissed. No. This was too much. Too scary.
Haley’s eyes widened, started to glow as her bear shot protectively to the forefront. But she inhaled, clearly trying to keep herself steady. Her hand stayed stretched out. Still welcoming.
No one’s your friend, you dumb little bitch. No one gives a shit about anyone else, least of all you.
No! Bad kitty hissed and scratched, forcing her way out. Pushing, clawing, demanding to take over. To take charge.
To run and hide. To flee to safety.
Oh, shit.
“I can’t.” She started to hiss. A cat’s low, fierce growl. “She won’t let me.”
Gasping, feeling the change start to come over her without her permission, just like always, Marisa whirled in a panic, pelting down the hallway toward the front door of the restaurant. She barely heard the beat of the jukebox music, barely noticed those she shoved out of her way in her frantic need to escape before it was too late.
I don’t want to leave yet, the words whispered in her skull as she raced around the outside of the building, seeking and finding an alley behind it, dark and hidden from anyone’s gaze, her cat already beginning to rage out of her, her bones shrieking with pain as they shifted. I’m sorry, Riley, was her last coherent thought before bad kitty leapt out of her, swallowing up Marisa and hurtling away on four paws.
Running, running, fleeing everything here. Taking her to the mountains, into the quiet dark and cold. To leave the world that made no damned sense and would never, ever be safe.
11
“Are you sure you checked all of the back fifty behind the barn?” Riley heard the hard edge to his voice as he snapped at Abby, but he didn’t care. Marisa had been gone for three hours now. Yes, she’d come back yesterday, but this time felt different.
Too different. Bad different.
His bear raged and thundered around inside him, desperately wanting to shift back into that form. Riley held on with every last scrap of will he had. He knew he stank of huge, angry bruin, since he’d just run the entire eleven miles from outside Whatchu Want directly through the forested wilds back here to the lodge searching for Marisa. Following her nervous scent.
Why was she nervous?
The look on her face after he told her what happened to his mate, and then what Haley had told him about her brief conversation with Marisa in the hallway at the restaurant, how Marisa had bolted out of there, clearly about to shift and totally unable to stop it—ahh, fuck. It all told him that this time, things were different. Marisa’s pain, whatever the hell had happened to her to break her spirit and make her want to die, had really come roaring up for her. Trying to control her. Whatever reasons she had for wanting to be put down, they were real to her.
After she disappeared from the restaurant, he’d instantly known something was really wrong. Half frantic already, trying to hold his shit together in public as well as in front of Finn and Laney, he’d asked Slade if he would keep the twins with him while the rest of them went to search for Marisa. Riley and Abby had decided to shift in the dark behind the restaurant to follow her scent. Quentin had wanted to come too, but Abby had gently said he might frighten her. So far, the people she seemed to know best here were Abby and—she said with a knowing look at him—Riley. Marisa trusted them.
Marisa trusted him. He didn’t know why she did, but it made him feel somehow essential.
He’d held on to that thought as he and Abby had bounded through the dark, following Marisa’s trail. She’d veered in a beeline straight toward the lonely heart of the mountains then abruptly circled back to the lodge. They’d lost her scent on the lodge property, however, since her scent already lingered everywhere up there merely from the time she’d spent there so far. Had she stayed here? Left again? The only reason he hadn’t thundered back over the entire open mountain range was because Quentin, Shane, Jessie, Haley, and Cortez had gotten to the lodge in their cars by the time he arrived in a panic. They were positive Marisa was here somewhere.
He was beyond distraught about her. Deep down, he was terrified.
Abby’s voice was calm when she answered him now, laying a quelling hand on Quentin, who had turned on Riley with the protective anger of a bear whose mate was being disrespected. “She’s not in the back fifty acres behind the barn. Her scent definitely circled back around to the front, so I don’t think she’s far from the main part of the property. Oh,” she suddenly said, surprise brightening her voice as she looked at him. Then she turned to look at the others gathered there, milling about in concern as everyone tried to figure out which way to go next. “Has anyone checked her cabin?”
With a moan that was partly anger at himself and partly relieved hope, Riley whirled, rocketing the several hundred yards toward Marisa’s cabin, the others on his heels. As he tore up to it, he suddenly skidded to a halt. Relief swept him as his eyes, accustomed to the darkness that had fallen, fought against the bright snap of the
porch light to see her sitting there. She sat at the top of the stoop, leaning against the railing as if too exhausted to sit up straight.
Behind him, he heard Abby draw a sharp breath of relief. She murmured, “Be gentle.”
Always. He would always be gentle with Marisa.
Riley slowly walked up to her, keeping his eyes locked on her face. She seemed listless, but when she raised her eyes to his, he could see the bright flare of her cat in there. Emotions paraded across her face, clear as a beacon. Uncertainty. Fear. Despair, ugly, painful despair that was beginning to break him. Witnessing the suffering she was going through was nearly as painful as the worst experience he’d had in his life.
He thought he knew what that might mean, but now wasn’t the time to think about that. Now, he just wanted to be sure she wouldn’t run again.
“I couldn’t go without saying goodbye.” Her breath heaved when she spoke, as if she held back tears, the only brightness in her eyes coming from the glow of her cat. “She let me come back here.”
Without asking, he knew she meant her mountain lion.
“I need to leave, Riley.” She looked at him, really looked at him, her eyes catching his and sending a stab through his chest at her vulnerability. She glanced past him to the others, back to him. Her gaze moving back and forth between Riley and them, speaking to all of them, she whispered, “You’ve all been so nice to me. You took me in, even though you knew nothing about me except I came from them.” She didn’t need to say the word outcasts. “But I can’t stay.”
She stood up, the breath still heaving in her chest. Riley abruptly realized how hard it was for her to say all of this. He longed so badly to go to her, to comfort her, but again something told him to just wait and let her speak. She needed to say whatever it was she was about to say.
“My mountain lion is out of control. I can’t control her. So I left the restaurant. Haley,” she said softly, looking toward Haley, or at least Riley assumed she must be since he wouldn’t take his gaze off her face, “you were right. You could see it. I’ve been trying so hard to not let everyone know, because I know how dangerous it is for shifters to know another one’s animal is out of control. That’s part of why I’ve been asking you all to put me down.” Her eyes moved back to Riley’s, their color as dark as the trees shadowed by the night around them. “I know you think you can help me. But you can’t. No one can.”
Abby finally said, “Yes, we can, Marisa. Just let us—”
Marisa shook her head violently, her dark red hair stringy around her face. “You don’t understand. I can’t tell you all of it because it’s too awful.” Her tone was so gutted it stabbed at Riley. He felt his bear raging inside him, but not with the need to break free and just go rampaging through the woods looking for the unknown meaning behind her pain.
No.
His bear wanted to go to Marisa.
To comfort her.
To protect her.
Abruptly, Marisa went down to the bottom of the steps, now standing just a few feet away from Riley. He towered over her, suddenly realizing how genuinely small she was. Beautiful woman. Tortured woman. Her soul was splintering apart right in front of him, and he felt helpless to stop it. She looked at him, her face half terrified and half certain. Audibly swallowing, the light from her cat’s eyes glowing even brighter, her face rippling with the struggle to hold back the wildcat, she shuddered, forcing out the next words.
“My family, my parents…” She stopped. Swallowed noisily before she went on. “They were shifter hunters.”
A gasp. It sounded like Jessie. Then a growl that could have been anyone’s.
Riley flinched in shock at the words but he stayed rooted to the spot, listening. His body felt cold.
Unwavering, Marisa went on. “I was born to humans. I was human.”
Another gasp from behind him. Riley didn't look away from Marisa.
Her voice caught on itself now. Scratchy, thick with emotion. “They hunted your kind. They said you were monsters. Monsters.” She shook her head. “They were the monsters. And then—then.”
Her voice broke, and Riley almost went toward her. But she snapped her gaze at him, her cat fierce in her expression, warning him away. Protecting herself even as she gave herself up. Every centimeter of his body trembled as he ruthlessly forced himself to stand still. To simply keep listening to what she had to say.
Keeping her eyes right on his, their brilliant light glowing in the dark, she went on in a flat tone. “Outcasts who knew what my parents were captured me and my brother one day. Nefarious’s group. He bit and turned us right in front of our parents, not that they would have cared anyway.” Even though her voice stayed flat, the sheer pain of those words scratched the air like a dagger. “Then he had his outcasts kill them while we were in our first change, and I was glad to see them dead. They never loved me or Derek. They hated us for existing.”
Her voice was soft, almost far away. But she kept looking at Riley. Making sure he heard her.
“The outcasts took us to live with them. Nefarious wanted us to be like them. He wanted some sort of army of crazy shifters he could control. Because he knew what would happen to us since we were turned against our will.”
The night was so silent, so deep, it felt like a living presence. Riley’s head felt like it might explode, then it compressed, then it expanded again. His chest heaved like Marisa’s, everything inside wanting to punch out. To smash something.
In a soft but relentless voice, she went on. “He knew we would go crazy eventually. That we would not be able to control our animals, that we’d give in to the worst base instincts. But since he made us, he’d be able to control us. He wanted that. He said he could use that for his own ends. That’s why he made us turn more humans. Like Justin.” She finally moved her gaze away from Riley, looking behind him. He didn’t need to turn to know she looked at Haley. He could feel the horror rising from the others, all the hair on the back of his neck prickling at how charged their energy was.
Marisa looked back at Riley. Her words stayed calm, so calm they were expressionless. “I can’t control my cat. I’m going crazy because she was forced into me, and it wasn’t my choice. I’m dangerous, Riley. I was already from bad stock, and now I’m actually dangerous. And I’m so sorry about your mate,” she whispered, dark sorrow finally flickering in her eyes. “My parents didn’t kill her, but it could have been them just as easily. I know they turned in or killed others.”
His bear churned inside him, clawing to get out. Riley knew his eyes glowed as bright as Marisa’s.
She screamed suddenly, the noise a horrifying blend of woman and wildcat. He jerked at the sound, heard snow crunch behind him as the others must have all reacted too. “I’m begging you, please, put me down. Please.” Her voice was a ragged cry now, shoved out in pure desperation. “I’m not worth saving.”
She abruptly flung herself onto the cold snow, exposing her throat to the night air and the horrified eyes of everyone surrounding her.
Waiting to be killed.
Quentin stepped forward, his eyes as bright as everyone else’s.
Roaring, Riley leapt in between Marisa and his brother. Ready to defend her. “Don’t you touch her,” he snarled, his voice so low it rumbled through him.
Quentin threw his hands up, slowly shaking his head. “Riley. Peace. I wanted to make sure you weren’t going to do anything you’d regret later.”
Riley snarled at his brother. Low, long, serious. So serious that everyone else got major glowing eyes as well, and Jessie, who’d only very recently been turned into a bear shifter by Shane, looked nervous, even though her own bear clearly moved under her skin and in her eyes.
Voice still snarling, Riley said, “I’ve got this. Back off.”
Without looking at them again, he dropped to his knees in the snow beside Marisa. The ice-skimmed cold seeped through his jeans, but he didn’t give a shit. He could hear her heart beating so loud it practically thumped through her
shirt. Her eyes were closed, her breath making little white puffs into the cold night air that he could see in the gleam the porch light cast out. Gently, he reached out to touch her shoulder. She stiffened, breath speeding up, her eyes still closed.
Then she wrecked him completely by arching her neck back more and exposing it for a kill strike.
A groan born of mixed rage at everyone in her life who'd made her feel worthless and the pain he understood burned up his throat, sounding out into the dark as a sharp keen. “Marisa.” His voice cracked. “No one is putting you down. Least of all me.”
Her eyes opened, but she stared at the sky above them. “My parents were the same kind of monsters who murdered your mate. Who murdered Finn and Laney’s mom.” Her voice broke on that word, sending slivers into Riley’s heart too at the old, never forgotten sorrow. “And then there's me.” She finally moved her gaze to look at him, though she still lay crumpled on the snow, neck gleaming under the soft yellow glow from the cabin porch light.
“I wasn’t born a shifter, Riley. That was forced onto me, forced into me. My cat is crazy. I don’t remember anything when I’m her, when I’m out there as her.” Her voice heaved. “I’m just going to get crazier until I really do snap. I won’t be responsible for hurting anyone here. I couldn’t handle that. She’s in control, and I’m not.”
Silence stretched for a long, tense moment. Then another quiet plea. “Put me down.”
The last three words were a whisper, one that crawled out of her throat.
Riley clenched his hand on her shoulder, feeling how bony it still was. “No,” he said softly. “It’s not true.”
“W-what?” Her brow furrowed slightly. Her breathing slowed somewhat.
His voice trembled with the effort to not shout the words so she would understand. “Marisa, you’re not going crazy. Your cat isn’t in control. Or if she is, she’s on your side.”
Now she finally moved her head, turning it so her fragile neck no longer jutted up as an offer for something no one here would take. Hair and snow clung to one cheek as she looked at him. “I don’t understand.”