by S. H. Kolee
I was dumbstruck by Simon's words, unable to speak. He continued talking despite my lack of response.
"But there was something wrong. Emotions were left behind. When a vardoger overtakes their person, they retain all their knowledge and information. After all, we're actually an extension of the person. We have all their memories. It allows us to slip into their life seamlessly. But there was an imprint of emotions left behind with Simon. That's not supposed to happen. All of a sudden, I could feel emotions that I had never experienced before. I could feel joy and regret. I found myself being able to be empathetic. To put myself in someone else's shoes." Simon grimaced. "For a vardoger, that's the worst nightmare possible. We're not immune to emotions, but our emotions are usually exclusively destructive, like hate and anger. Not love."
I swallowed loudly at his last statement. "So...are you saying you became like Simon? The real Simon?" I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I was half expecting Simon to laugh and say it was all a big joke.
He shook his head. "No. The imprint of emotions allowed me to feel, but they weren't Simon's emotions. I'm nothing like Simon. He never felt strongly about anything. He had no desire to go to Yale, but his father wanted him to attend so he went without a fight. He enjoyed playing music but was wasting his talent because it was too much of an effort to try and pursue his dream. He was a decent guy but everything about him was tepid at best. It used to drive me crazy to witness his apathetic approach to life when I was just his shadow."
"If you've overtaken Simon's body and you're truly a vardoger, why did you help me escape?" My hands were clasped together so tightly on my lap that they began to tingle. I couldn't believe that I was actually entertaining the idea that he was telling the truth. I briefly wondered if this was some sort of trick he and my father had planned to lull me into a false sense of security.
Simon looked at me for the first time since he had started telling his story. I wanted to reach out and stroke his face when I saw the anguish in his eyes, but I was afraid. If what he was saying was true, he was the enemy.
"What I felt for you...what I feel for you..." Simon's voice trailed off and he looked back at the road. "I love you, Caitlin. I feel it in every fiber of my being. It started out as an act. I was trying to push all those feelings away, to convince myself I hadn't been corrupted by weak emotions. Then one day I woke up and realized I didn't want to lose those feelings. If it meant I was weak, I'd rather be weak and be with you, rather than be strong and lose you."
"I don't know what to say." My voice was strained and I fought to speak more forcefully. "All this is pretty unbelievable."
I jumped when I felt Simon touch my clasped hands, pulling them apart so he could grasp one of them in his. A part of me wanted to pull away, but my emotions won out and I squeezed his hand. Simon's jaw relaxed fractionally.
"Do you love me?"
"I don't even know who you are," I whispered. My heart jumped into my throat when he pulled the car to the side of the road. We were on a deserted street and I didn't know if anyone could hear me if I screamed.
"I'm still the same...person that you thought I was before you knew the truth." Simon smiled at me sardonically. "I admit the 'person' part is a bit of a stretch." His expression turned serious as he continued. "I'm willing to do anything for you, Caitlin. Even if that means having to leave you."
An arrow of fear shot through me at his words. Where was Simon planning on going? I was willing to try and accept the craziness of his story because I knew regardless of what the truth was, I loved him. It was a little hard to come to terms with the fact that he had killed the real Simon and a part of me demanded that justice be served. But he wasn't the same...thing that had overtaken Simon, was he? He had changed to become a real person. To me, he was Simon. Not the Simon he had overtaken, but the Simon that had made me laugh and feel joy. The Simon that had made me believe anything was possible because of his love. I wondered if I was damning myself by loving a vardoger, but I realized I would rather be damned with Simon than blessed without him.
I opened my mouth to ask about his comment about leaving but was stopped by his lips crushing mine. I readily opened my mouth for him, my emotions surging as I felt him desperately trying to connect with me through physical contact. All the doubts and fear vanished as I wrapped my arms around his neck, surrendering to him as his tongue plunged into my mouth.
Simon groaned as he pulled me closer although we were separated by the center console. He sucked on my tongue when I slid it into his mouth and then laved it with his own. My heart was racing by the time we pulled apart.
Simon asked the question again, his voice husky. "Do you love me?"
"I love you, Simon. I'll always love you."
Simon closed his eyes and breathed deeply as tension drained from his face. His eyes looked hopeful when he opened them. "We need to keep moving. It was stupid of me to pull over, but I had to make sure your feelings for me weren't broken."
Simon pulled the car back onto the road.
"Do you really not know where we're going?" I asked.
"Right now we just need to concentrate on getting as far away as possible. Once they realize what's happened, they won't waste any time following us. We're headed south because the last thing we want to do is lead them back to Maxwell."
Fear gripped me as I thought about what they could do. "What if my father gets a hold of Sarah? What if he kills her?" As much as I wanted to escape, I couldn't risk the chance that Sarah would become collateral damage.
Simon tightened his grip on my hand. "Don't worry. He'll be too concerned with tracking us down to go after Sarah. I know how his mind works. He's not capable of complex thoughts. Once he realizes he's been duped, he'll be so consumed with finding us that he won't think of anything else."
I sighed and leaned back against the seat, hoping that he was right. "Why didn't you tell me any of this before?"
Simon laughed mirthlessly. "Would you have believed me? Hell, you can probably barely believe it now. I was trying to convince your father that your powers weren't as strong as we all believed and that it was better to move on to other potential seers."
"Why do you call him my father? He's not really my father, although I can't seem to call him anything else."
Simon shrugged. "When we overtake a person, we assume their identity. It's just natural for us to call each other by the labels the human world puts on us. You still think of me as Simon, don't you?"
I nodded my head, not knowing how else to think of him. I swallowed as another thought entered my mind.
"Would you have been okay with my father kidnapping another seer?" I was trying to figure out Simon's moral compass. I believed he loved me, but would he be willing to stand by as others were sacrificed? I couldn't let that happen, no matter how I felt about him.
Simon sighed heavily. "Honestly, I wish I could say yes. I wish I didn't care whether he tortured and killed a hundred seers to try and figure out the key to immortality. But these damn emotions...this sense of empathy..." Simon glanced at me. "We'll figure it out. If it's the last thing I do, I'll make sure he's stopped."
"Is my aunt dead?"
Simon grimaced. "I'm sorry, Caitlin. It was too late by the time I arrived. Your father is getting more and more reckless and he ambushed her without my knowledge or permission."
I pulled my hand out of Simon's grasp. Even though he wasn't directly responsible for my aunt's death, he was a part of this whole scheme, even if he had been trying to fight against it. He had even admitted to being the one who started banding vardogers together to fight seers before he started experiencing human emotions. I started questioning my sanity since I still loved him.
"She didn't suffer," Simon said quietly. "Whatever your father told you, she went quietly. They tried hypnotizing her too often within a short period of time and she just fell asleep during one of the sessions and never woke up."
I couldn't hold back the sound of pain. Despite what Simon said
, I knew how confusing and traumatic being under could be. He couldn't be so sure that she hadn't suffered from what she had seen while under hypnosis.
"What about my mother?"
"I don't know any firsthand information about your mother. The accident happened long before I encountered your father. He's never given me specifics of when he overtook your father's body, but I believe it was soon after your mother's accident. He claims that your mother is dead. That's all I know."
"Let's not talk for a while," I whispered. Simon gave me a concerned look but he nodded, giving me my space.
Almost an hour passed in silence as I was lost in my thoughts. I was confused, scared and anxious, my earlier joy at having Simon returned to me tempered by the fact that despite his current state, he had started out evil. What if his human emotions suddenly vanished? What then?
I finally broke the silence with more questions. I couldn't get past the fact that he had been physically violent with me. Why was all of that necessary? "Why did you attack me at my aunt's house? And in the car after I found the palladium by the bridge?"
Simon's lips tightened. "We were being watched. Your father and I had agreed that I would start pretending that my vardoger was inside of me and that it would surface periodically. He thought it would make you more vulnerable if you were desperate to save me. Make you more pliable once we decided it was time to start trying to use your powers." Simon rubbed his forehead, looking grim. "I never planned on actually carrying out the plan, but your father was getting suspicious so I agreed to it. Then I realized that he was having me watched to make sure I carried through with it. Even though he's my subordinate, he's gaining a lot of influence with the other vardogers so I felt I had to comply."
Simon grabbed my hand, his voice sounding tortured. "I can't tell you how sorry I am. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. It makes me sick to even think about it. But if I didn't go through with it, you were dead. When you found the palladium at the scene of your mother's accident. I was sure that he planted it there for you to find. I didn't want you holding onto it because I was already starting to suspect that contact with palladium would negate your powers, leaving you vulnerable for an attack." Simon exhaled heavily. "Your father got sick of waiting for something to happen so he grabbed you and decided that it was time to start putting your powers to use. I had no idea what he was going to do until after it happened. And then I was trying to convince him that it was still a better idea for me to get the information from you through coercion rather than force. He's gotten out of control, obsessed with trying to become immortal. An idea I put in his head."
Simon's voice was quiet as he continued. "I've done so many things to you. I've hurt and deceived you so much. I told myself I had to because we were being watched. That if I didn't put up a good enough act, he would kill you. But that excuse isn't good enough." He grimaced. "I've spent so much of my energy trying to bind you to me. But maybe that wasn't the right thing to do. Maybe I should have never bound you to me, because I'm not sure I can be the person you want me to be. The person I want to be."
"Simon, I—"
Simon cut me off with a muttered expletive. He was staring at the rearview mirror so I twisted around in my seat to see what he was looking at. Two headlights were rapidly gaining on us. I prayed that it was just another car but it was coming towards us so quickly that I knew we were seconds away from being rear ended by them. It was pitch black and we had barely seen any other cars on the road. There would be no witnesses for whatever was about to happen.
Chapter Thirty
I started funneling my energy together, preparing for whoever was careening towards us, although there was no doubt in my mind that it was my father. Simon was swerving and trying to make it harder for them to hit us. There were guardrails on each side of the road to protect against a steep wooded incline, so we had no means of an escape except staying on the road.
My ball of energy was growing, gathering momentum, when suddenly we were violently jolted forward by the impact of the car crashing into us. My sphere of energy burst and scattered and I watched in horror as we smashed against the guard rail. My head was slammed into the windshield with a sickening thud and I was vaguely aware of Simon's arm in front of my chest in a futile attempt to protect me from the impact.
As suddenly as I had heard steel screeching from the collision, it was eerily quiet. My head was turned towards Simon, resting on the airbag that had deployed too late. I saw that his body was slumped over the steering wheel with blood streaming down his face, no airbag in sight. I wanted to call out to him but I felt broken and unable to make my mouth move.
I tried to move my legs but they felt trapped by something heavy. I was desperate to touch Simon, to reassure myself that he was still alive. I raised a trembling arm, barely noticing that it was covered in blood. It took every bit of strength I had left to reach out and touch his face. My hand then drifted down to find his pulse, panic overwhelming me when I couldn't find it.
From some fountain of inner strength, I found myself able to speak.
"Simon." My voice was faint and weak. "Simon, wake up. We need to get out of here."
Desperation clawed at me when he didn't respond. I expected my father to jump out of the shadows at any moment. I tried to gather my energy, but it was a barely flickering light that refused to burn brighter.
I whimpered when I started to smell smoke. I gingerly raised my head, horror gripping me when I saw that the car was on fire. This propelled me like nothing else. I sat up and attempted to pull my legs free, but they were trapped under crushed metal. I shook Simon, trying to wake him, but he remained unresponsive.
The smoke started getting thick as I frantically tried to free myself, trying to wriggle my legs free. I wanted to cry with relief when I was able to pry one leg free. I raised the free leg and rested the heel on the car seat, pushing down and using it as leverage to pull my other leg out.
I immediately turned to Simon and tried to sit him up so I could get him out of the car. Terror seized me when I saw that one of his legs was trapped under a piece of metal. I desperately tried to free him but the confines of the car made it impossible for me to get enough leverage to pull his leg out. I turned to the door on my side to open it since it would be easier for me to work his leg out from under the wreckage if I was standing outside of the car. I moaned in fear when the door refused to open. I kicked it with my foot but that only succeeded in making searing pain rush up my leg.
I quickly turned and reached over Simon to try and open his car door. I screamed in desperation when his door refused to budge as well. I glanced at the car window on my side. The window on Simon's side was still intact, but half my window had been shattered. The hole was big enough so that I could probably climb through without too many cuts. But that still left the problem of Simon being trapped. I could hope to smash his window with a rock I found outside, but was I willing to take that chance? And how could I work on freeing his leg through his window? I needed the entire car door to open so that I could wriggle his leg from the wreckage.
Even more frightening, what if my father was waiting for me to escape the car, leaving Simon to burn to death?
I gritted my teeth as I leaned down, scrabbling at Simon's leg to try and figure out how I could save both of us from this nightmare. The smoke was getting thicker and filling the inside of the car, making it painful to breathe. I could see flickers of flames escaping from under the hood of the car. But I still worked on his leg, trying to feel with my hands what exactly was immobilizing it.
Black spots started crowding my vision but I furiously kept to my task. I felt a twinge of hope when I felt a piece of metal shift. I wanted to rage when I tried pulling Simon's leg free again but it remained stuck. I was starting to lose consciousness but I knew with every fiber of my being that I would never give up. Our love was a bond that could never be broken. I would either walk away with Simon from this wreckage or I would die trying to save him.
A bond unbroken can be a curse. A watery grave can be a blessing.
Release date of the third installment of the Shadow Series is TBD. I will announce a release date as soon as I have one (I promise I'll try to get it to you as quickly as possible!).
To get news and updates (plus random ramblings), please visit my website at http://www.shkolee.com, follow me on Twitter @shkolee, or like my Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/shkoleeauthor
Turn the page for the first three chapters of my adult contemporary romance book, Love Left Behind.
Emma Mills is restarting her life in New York City, determined to shed her boring persona and leave the scandal of a jilted groom behind. Little does she know that her life is about to be turned upside down by Jackson Reynard.
Chapter One
How far can obligation take you? It almost took me to the altar. Marrying the boy you started dating at fifteen is either a fairy tale or insanity. Sean Somers and I started dating our freshman year of high school. We grew up together through a parent's death, a divorce, proms and pregnancy scares. I loved Sean, although a part of me realized there was no passion in our relationship. He was like a trusted confidante, a best friend. But the love of my life? I wasn't so sure.
I assumed that college would be the wedge that would make us drift apart. I had accepted a partial scholarship to the University of Chicago and Sean was staying behind in Maryland to attend the local university. It wasn't for lack of trying that Sean didn't attend the same college as me. However, the University of Chicago had rejected him, and a small secret part of me had been happy. I could start over in Chicago and become a new person. I was tired of being boring Emma Mills; dependable daughter, straight-A student, church volunteer.