Cole and Sav

by Cole

  It’s a good thing I hadn’t.

  5

  Huntington Beach

  Savannah

  Cole’s first text to me made me laugh. I wish I’d saved it. It was hilarious. He wrote it like an English assignment. He even called me “ma’am” as if he was talking to some boring mom. I wondered how old he thought I was. He almost seemed nervous about texting me even though I had asked Michelle to give him my number so we could work out the details for VidCon. Cole was formal with me, but I was just myself when I texted him back. I used emojis and abbreviations and wrote texts like I was talking to a friend.

  Cole and I had texted back and forth a little bit when I had an idea. I texted something like, Hey, I know you guys are going to beaches in the area tomorrow. If one of your stops is in Huntington let me know because we’re going to be there and we can hang out. (“We” was my sister and me.)

  Sure. 100%. We have nothing to do tomorrow night. If we end up down there I will let you know, Cole texted me back.

  That’s how we left it. Maybe he’d show up. Maybe he wouldn’t, but somehow I hoped he would. Something inside of me wanted to spend some time with him and get to know him better. Maybe it was the way he interacted with Everleigh. Maybe it was because I could tell right off that Cole and John Stephen were good guys and there hadn’t been too many good guys in my life. Not in a long time. Hanging out with a couple of them seemed like a good idea.

  The next day Cole texted me to tell me they could meet us in Huntington Beach. I was like, Great, and told him to meet us at Wahoo’s Fish Taco. The food there is good, and it is close to the beach, which made it the perfect place to meet. Since Ev and I lived with my mom, it was really easy finding a babysitter so I could go out. My mom loved to have Ev all to herself. She was always telling me to go do something with my friends, so when I told her Chantelle and I were going to go hang out with a couple of friends, she nearly pushed me out the door. Ev didn’t mind either. She loves her Gigi time.

  Cole still seemed a little unsure of himself around me when he and John Stephen first arrived. The four of us sat down at a table and made awkward small talk until the waitress came to take our order. Wahoo’s is known for its fish tacos. It has all kinds of stuff on the menu, but all four of us ordered the exact same thing: chicken quesadillas. That lightened things up. We all started laughing about how we’d all ordered the same thing. That didn’t last too long, however. Once we were through talking about chicken quesadillas, there wasn’t a lot more to talk about. It wasn’t like this was a date for anyone. My sister had a serious boyfriend, and John Stephen was thinking about proposing to his girlfriend. That left Cole and me as the only unattached ones—though we didn’t know that at the time.

  By the time the food arrived, I was feeling awkward. I think we all were. But then John Stephen said we should go around the table and see who can take the funniest and weirdest bite out of their quesadilla. Cole laughed and said he was in. I looked at my sister, and we both said okay. John Stephen made this ridiculous face that made me laugh, and he took a very strange bite out of his quesadilla that was hilarious. Then Cole took a silly bite out of his while making a grunting sound. Then my sister took a crazy bite. Then it was my turn. I opened wide and took a crazy bite. The guys laughed. It might have been a sympathy laugh, but somehow I felt good. Inside I was like, Whoa, I’m being goofy again, and I don’t feel awkward or embarrassed, and I’m not questioning myself. It had been a long time since I’d been silly and felt good about it.

  Cole and John Stephen made my sister and me laugh a lot at Wahoo’s. I relaxed and just had fun. They weren’t like other guys I had been around. For one thing, they didn’t curse, and they didn’t check out every girl who walked in. That was a pleasant change. Even though they were both goofy, they weren’t flirting or trying to score any points on us. To me, it felt like they were just being themselves. They even talked about God but not in a forced or preachy way. And they prayed when we got our food—before we all did our crazy bites—and their prayer was natural, like they were talking to a friend.

  After we ate, the four of us went over to the beach and started walking around. Cole and John Stephen didn’t play it cool. They walked up to random people and asked them crazy questions or they did crazy walks and silly stunts that made me crack up laughing. The more I laughed, the more things they did. Every so often Cole said to us, “Sorry, guys. I know we’re super-weird. If it ever gets to be too much, don’t be afraid to ditch us.”

  Chantelle and I just laughed. “No,” I said. “We love it! You guys are hilarious.” My sister and I even got in on the fun. We’d walk up to people, tap them on the shoulder, and scoot away before they could see who’d tapped them. Sure, it was silly, but it made the guys laugh.

  The sun went down and the beach life slowed down. I expected Cole and John Stephen to go back to where they were staying. Instead, Cole asked if there were any haunted or scary places like an old cemetery or abandoned building nearby we could go explore. Apparently exploring scary places is something they did for entertainment in the small town where they lived in Alabama. I told Cole that I didn’t know of anything like that around Huntington Beach. Cole then asked random strangers about scary places nearby. Chantelle and I cracked up about this—we’d never seen a guy so unselfconscious, so completely comfortable with whatever people thought of him. It was like he was fearless and friendly at the same time. Finally someone told them about an abandoned building twenty minutes away. “Sweet,” Cole said. We all got in my car and headed that way.

  When we arrived at the “haunted” building, John Stephen went off looking for a way in. Cole stayed with Chantelle and me. I felt uneasy about going in the building, not because I thought it was haunted but because I didn’t want to break into someone’s property. I even said, “I can’t believe he just went into that building.” Cole laughed to think he and John Stephen were some kind of bad boys. He reassured us that they weren’t. Then he asked, “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” I quickly said, “Well, I had a kid, and I wasn’t married to the guy,” with a laugh.

  “Okay, you win,” Cole said.

  Honestly, the words just came out without me really thinking about it. I guess I wanted to get the truth out there, and that seemed to be the perfect time. I mean, it was obvious I had a daughter. And I noticed Cole sort of looking at my hand all evening like he was trying to see if I had a ring. This seemed like the perfect way to just answer all the questions at once. Cole didn’t ask if I was still with Everleigh’s dad, and I was glad he didn’t. About six or seven months earlier, Tommy had disappeared to try to get his act together. When he returned, he seemed to be doing much better. We got back together, and I actually thought things might work this time. Then everything went back to the way it had been, and history repeated itself. I guess technically the two of us were still together because I had not broken things off with him this time, but I planned to. I’m just glad that question didn’t come up.

  I never went in that “haunted” building. Eventually we took Cole and John Stephen back to their car and said goodbye for the night because it was getting late. Before they left, I invited them to join us the next night to go see a friend perform at a restaurant in Dana Point where we lived. They said sure, they’d like to go with us. They then left to go back to where they were staying.

  On the drive back home, I said something like, “That was fun.” Chantelle agreed, and then she started crying. And I mean, really crying. I couldn’t imagine what was wrong. We’d had such a good night! She looked at me. “Who you were tonight—I’ve missed that, Sav. I miss my sister and best friend who is goofy and funny and just a happy, bubbly person. You haven’t been that in a really long time. I missed you, and tonight you came back.”

  I knew she was right.

  “This happy Savannah—this is the Savannah we missed. This is all we want you to be. It is who you always used to be.”

  “I know,” I replied. Deep down the joyf
ul, playful Sav—that’s who I wanted to be again. That was the real me.

  Then we started talking about Cole. “Why can’t he be even just twenty-one and live in California?” I said.

  My sister laughed. “Age shouldn’t matter at all. He’s funny, and he’s really mature for his age. The way he carries himself isn’t like most other guys.”

  “Not at all,” I said. “But why can’t he live in California?”

  When I got back to my house, I checked on Everleigh, then went up to my room to go to bed, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the night and about what my sister had said. It was an eye-opening experience for me. I had not had so much fun in forever. Why? I wondered. Why had I allowed myself to become someone I didn’t want to be? Then I thought about Cole. I had started to have a little crush on him. He was the younger version of the kind of guy I wanted to find. It wasn’t just that he was funny. A lot of guys are funny. On that first night hanging out with Cole, I found that he brought out the best of me. That’s how a relationship should be. No one should want to be with someone who puts you down, makes you feel bad about yourself, or causes you to question everything you say and makes you wonder if you are pretty, but that’s exactly what I’d done for four years. No more. I was tired of that life. Even if Cole turned out to be nothing more than a long-distance friend, he’d shown me that there are good guys out there. I prayed God might send one my way.

  The next evening Cole and John Stephen came to Dana Point and met us at the restaurant where my friend was singing. My sister was there along with my friend Michelle and my mom and her boyfriend, Dave. They all loved Cole from the start, mainly because it was clear he was very different from Tommy. It’s not like I introduced Cole as someone I was dating, but I think my mom would have said yes to him right then. Even though I already had a little crush on Cole, I still couldn’t get past the fact that he was nineteen and lived on the other side of the country. Still, I was thrilled he had agreed to meet us a second time.

  We settled into our seats at our table, and my sister ordered drinks for herself and me. When my drink came to the table, I felt embarrassed by it. I’d never felt that way before. I started drinking when I was nineteen and in college. I never did a lot of heavy drinking. Now that I was twenty-three, I could legally order a mixed drink, and it shouldn’t have been a big deal. All of a sudden, I did not want to drink in front of Cole, and I didn’t want him to think that I ever did. He had not said a thing about drinking although, the night before on the beach, he’d joked about all the people walking around smoking weed. It was clear he would never do that. The thing was, Cole didn’t have to say anything. Just being around him made me want to be a better person. For the rest of the night, I sort of hid my drink, which made my sister look at me as if I had lost my mind. Finally I told her she could have mine if she wanted it. She took it, and I made up my mind that I was not going to drink again. That was, for me, the beginning of a fresh work that God was doing in my life. My decision to start drinking came at a time when I really stepped back from having God in my life in a major way. The decision to stop drinking was my first step back to Him, and He had used Cole to draw me back. Little did I know that God was just getting started.

  6

  VidCon

  Cole

  I already had a little crush on Savannah before we met on Friday for the first day of VidCon, but I had no way of knowing if she felt anything for me and I was afraid to ask. By the end of the second day of VidCon, I thought she might be a little bit interested because Sav’s friend Michelle asked her if she wanted to go to some of the parties that are a big part of VidCon at night. Savannah told her no, she wanted to keep hanging out with John Stephen and me. I didn’t have a lot of experience with girls, but I knew that was a pretty good sign. What I didn’t know was if that was a good sign for me. Savannah could have been interested in John Stephen. Or maybe she just didn’t want to go to the parties. When we met at the restaurant to see her friend play, Savannah’s si sister gave her a drink, and she never touched it. Maybe that’s why she didn’t want to go to the parties. Maybe she was through with drinking, and she didn’t want to be tempted. That could have been the reason, but I hoped there was more to it. Like I said, I’d already developed a crush on her, and I wanted to get to know her better. I hoped that night I might get the chance.

  We’d been together pretty much nonstop the first two days of the conference and had an absolute blast. She seemed like such a cool girl who liked having fun. The whole time we hung out, she just seemed to be herself. I thought she was funny, and she definitely thought I was funny, which I liked. She laughed at all my jokes and all the goofy things I did. I also thought she had the cutest kid ever in Everleigh. I carried Ev around and played in the bouncy houses in the kids’ area with her and had so much fun. I was used to being my sister Lily’s playmate, so keeping Everleigh entertained seemed completely normal. I never felt weird being with her, not even when people came up to me and said, “Oh, your little girl is so cute.” I just said thank you and let it go at that. I never corrected anyone because why would I? That would have just been awkward for Everleigh and Savannah and everyone else. I didn’t see any point in doing that.

  Sometime in the early afternoon of both days of VidCon, Savannah’s mom came and picked up Everleigh and took her home. Ev was pretty excited about hanging out with her Gigi. I guess Savannah could have taken off as well, but she didn’t. We hung out and checked out the different booths and exhibits and went inside for some of the shows. On the second day we came across a booth that was handing out free skateboards. Now, these weren’t the greatest boards in the world, but they were still pretty sweet. Even Savannah got one. John Stephen, Sav, and I spent the rest of our time skating all around the convention area and around the hotels near Disneyland. Sometimes Savannah couldn’t keep up with us, so I jumped off my board and hung back with her. I wasn’t just being nice. By this point I was seriously starting to crush on her. John Stephen and I were flying back to Alabama in a couple of days, and I wanted to spend as much time with Savannah as I could. At one point we stopped by the hotel where John Stephen and I were staying during VidCon and I FaceTimed with my family back in Alabama. Savannah got to meet Lily that way. My little sister seemed surprised to see a girl with me.

  Later that evening we all decided we were hungry and ended up at a nearby IHOP. I wanted to do more than eat. I wanted to get to know Savannah better and for her to get to know me. I only knew one way to do that.

  After we sat down at our table and ordered our food, I said to Savannah, “Listen, we don’t know you that well, and it might not be any of our business, so if I’m overstepping any boundaries, just tell me. Are you married, or are you with Everleigh’s dad? We follow you on Instagram, so I’ve seen pictures of him with you.”

  Savannah just laughed and said, “No to both. He’s still a part of Everleigh’s life, but we are not together.”

  I didn’t say it, but inside I let out a big whew. This was what I wanted to hear. I then said something like, “I know answering questions like that can seem a little awkward, so why don’t we go around the table and just talk about our relationship status and tell a little more about ourselves?” John Stephen volunteered to start. He opened up about mistakes he’d made in the past and how God had forgiven him and set him free. Now he had a really serious girlfriend he wanted to marry. I appreciated his honesty. That’s how John Stephen is. He is very open about all God has done in his life. I know him opening up made it easier for Savannah to do the same.

  After John Stephen it was my turn. I told Savannah that I was also a really strong Christian and how important God was in my life. “I do not have a girlfriend now, and I’ve never had one,” I told her. Then I explained why. I told her that I wanted to get married someday and that I wouldn’t date anyone I could not see myself marrying. “I could have dated girls in the past, and there have been some I liked, but I chose not to date them because I take all this really seriously.
When I start dating someone, I’m going to be thinking about marriage someday. And if I can’t see that, I am not going to date them.”

  Then I turned to Savannah. I asked her, “Are you a Christian, or do you have any kind of religious beliefs?”

  “Yeah, I am a Christian,” she said. She then started telling us her story of how she grew up in a Christian home and how her mom and dad had been very strong believers. That all changed when her family moved to Southern California, but her dad stayed in San Jose. The hardest part of the story for me was hearing how her dad had cheated on her mother and their twenty-seven-year marriage ended in divorce. I know I would have been devastated if that had happened to me. My heart broke for Savannah having had to live through that. Talking about her parents then led her to talk about her high school boyfriend, who cheated on her, and how that led to her dating Everleigh’s dad. “He wasn’t the best guy,” she said, “but I dated him anyway.” Dating him led to her making some bad decisions about partying, and then she ended up pregnant.

  I admired the way Savannah never made any excuses about her past. Savannah accepted where she was and was now doing her best to build a good life for Everleigh and herself. While she admitted she regretted decisions she’d made, she did not regret Everleigh. I’d watched the two of them together. Savannah was the best mom I had ever seen. It was obvious she loved her daughter more than anything in the world.

  Man, I’d been crushing on Savannah before this talk at IHOP, but now I had so much respect and admiration for this girl. I really fell for her even though she was very different from the girl I had always imagined I’d fall in love with. Was it possible that God might have bigger plans than anything we could ever come up with?

  After eating at IHOP, I wanted to spend even more time with Savannah. We only had one more day of VidCon before John Stephen and I flew back to Alabama. I suggested we go see a movie. Savannah was open to it, and John Stephen said he’d go. I didn’t just want to go see a movie. I had a plan. We went to see a scary movie. I sat next to Savannah with my hand on the armrest. I sat there hoping that during the really scary parts, she’d grab my hand. I guess I could have reached over and made the first move, but I was too nervous to try. What if I reached out and held her hand and she didn’t want me to? That would have been the worst. Instead, we both just sort of sat there awkwardly next to each other. I couldn’t even pay attention to the movie, I was so nervous.