I Heart Hawaii: Escape with the funniest and most fabulous romcom of summer 2019 (I Heart Series, Book 8)

by Lindsey Kelk

  ‘I still have a few things to figure out.’ She smiled at the waitress as she returned with two tall glasses of clear liquid that did not look even slightly like proper food. ‘Like a studio and an editor and all the marketing, social media and graphic design. But other than that, I’m good to go.’

  ‘Other than that,’ I said, ignoring the tiny warning bells that had started ringing.

  ‘And I don’t know if you would know this but do you have any idea how you actually get a podcast online?’ she asked, not a trace of irony on her face. ‘Do I just send it to the podcast people and they do it all?’

  Ring-ding-ding-ding-ding.

  ‘Podcast people?’

  ‘Ladies, this is a Chu-Hai Spritz,’ the waitress said, setting the glasses down on the table. A fat lychee bobbed around in the top of each cocktail. ‘Your first tastes will be out soon.’

  I really hoped my first taste would be a full pizza.

  ‘So, you’re starting a podcast but you don’t know how to record a podcast, market a podcast or share a podcast?’ I asked.

  Jenny shook her head and pushed her drink away.

  ‘Is that lychee in there? I hate lychees. Oh, and I’m taking over EWPR while Erin and Thomas are in London. I guess I’m going to be really busy over the next few months.’

  I grabbed my cocktail and took a deep, much-needed drink. ‘I didn’t know Erin and Thomas were planning a trip to London. How long are they off for?’

  Jenny’s eyes widened for a second.

  ‘She hasn’t told you?’ she said, her voice lifted by surprise. ‘They’re moving. Thomas got transferred, they’re leaving right after July Fourth.’

  Erin wasn’t just Jenny’s boss at Erin White Public Relations, she was also one of our best friends. This was a lot to process on an empty stomach. I glanced off into the forest to see where our waitress was hiding. Just how much trouble would we get into if I broke out the emergency mini Twix I was hiding in my handbag?

  ‘It’s supposedly only for a year,’ Jenny added. ‘But she wants me to take over completely while they’re away. Acting president.’

  And to think I’d guessed it would take her another decade to earn that title.

  ‘I’m gutted Erin is leaving but, Jen, that’s amazing,’ I said as she looked away, the big smile that had been on her face only a moment ago fading. ‘Isn’t it?’

  Jenny ran her fingers through her curls and attempted to tuck her hair behind her ears as she took a deep breath in. It stayed in place for approximately three seconds before springing free as she breathed out, doubling in size as the curls bounced around her gorgeous face.

  ‘I’ll kill it, I know I will,’ she said, more to herself than to me. ‘But there’s so much going on and, I don’t know. I never even really wanted this job, you know? I fell into it by accident and now I’m running the show? There’s so much I wanted to do this year, there’s the podcast, we just moved into a new place and, I don’t know. Other stuff that I can’t do if I’m running a company.’

  I reached across the table for her hand and put on my most supportive face. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for my best friend. Except give her my secret Twix.

  ‘You know I’m here for you. Anything you need, you’ve got it.’

  The very second the words left my mouth, I knew I would regret them.

  ‘There is one thing,’ she said, turning back to face me with a different, more determined expression. ‘I have a huge problem that needs fixing ASAP and I desperately need your help. You know Précis Cosmetics?’

  I nodded. I did know. I had stolen loads of it from her office. Lovely lipsticks, terrible mascaras and EWPR’s biggest account since forever.

  ‘They’re launching a new mascara.’

  Good news.

  ‘And we’re hosting an influencer event for them in Hawaii.’

  Bully-for-the-influencers news.

  ‘And I have to go because Erin is house-hunting in the UK and my account director just quit to go and run a Christmas tree farm in Pennsylvania with her girlfriend.’

  Oh god. I-know-exactly-where-this-is-going news.

  I pulled my cocktail closer and sucked on the paper straw.

  ‘What can I do? The last few years have been tough on people,’ she replied with a shrug before pulling her phone out of her bag. ‘Whatever, that’s not the point. The original plan was, we were gonna take a bunch of YouTubers from around the world to Hawaii to promote it, but it turns out maybe one of them tweeted something about Nazis and maybe another one of them fat-shamed some chick from America’s Got Talent and, the short version of my very long story is, the brand disinvited all the Americans and I have one week to find five people to take on an all-inclusive trip and I know I’ve barely had time to hang out lately but I’m going to make it up to you right now because you’re totally coming with me on this trip.’

  I continued to suck on my paper straw until my drink ran dry.

  ‘May I refresh that for you?’ the waitress asked, appearing out of thin air.

  ‘Yes, you may,’ I replied as she scooped up my glass and rested it on a small wooden tray. ‘Jenny?’

  She shook her head as she scrolled through her impossibly full inbox.

  ‘Do you want something else?’ I asked.

  ‘Just a seltzer,’ she replied with a sweet smile. ‘I have a shit ton of admin to do when I get home.’

  Even though I’d said I didn’t want to be out late, it still stung to know I wasn’t her only plan for the evening. While the chances of rolling out of our favourite karaoke bar at three a.m. were slim to none, it would have been nice to think it was still on the table.

  ‘Come on, Angie.’ As soon as the waitress was gone, Jenny hurled herself across the table, stretching out her arms until her phone almost touched my face. ‘Look at this, tell me it’s not heaven. Come through. Come through for your old pal, Jen.’

  ‘Jenny, you’re insane,’ I said, slapping her phone away but not before I caught a glimpse of the photo she was trying to show me. Blue skies, white sand and a turquoise ocean that looked a million miles away from the East River. ‘I can’t just up and disappear to Hawaii. I have a baby and a job and, on top of that, Louisa is coming to stay next weekend.’

  ‘That’s perfect!’ she said, snapping her fingers. ‘Louisa can come too. Now we only need to find three other people. Anyone else unproblematic you can think of?’

  ‘We’re not coming,’ I reiterated. ‘What about Sadie? Précis would love that.’

  ‘I said unproblematic,’ Jenny replied, shaking her head. ‘I had dinner with her last week and she was super excited because someone on Twitter said she was peak white feminism and she retweeted it thinking it was a good thing.’

  ‘OK, so not Sadie,’ I agreed. ‘What about Eva from Evalution? She was at Spencer but she’s gone back to doing YouTube full time. I’m almost certain she’s entirely unproblematic. I can ask her if you’d like?’

  ‘That would be amazing,’ Jenny cheered, flicking through more photos. Oh, it did look pretty. ‘So that’s you, Louisa, Eva and we still have two open seats.’

  ‘Four open seats,’ I said. ‘I’m not coming. And I haven’t even asked Eva yet.’

  ‘Angie, baby,’ Jenny slunk out of her seat and crept around the table, crouching down by my side. ‘Just think about it. You, me, cocktails even more delicious than this one. Sun, sea, sand and a ton of free makeup.’

  Hmm. I did enjoy free makeup.

  ‘And it would be so great for your new website. I could set you up with an interview with the amazing woman who founded the brand, you could write travel pieces about Hawaii and we’ll have make-up artists and a photographer there the whole time, taking millions of photos of you looking super awesome.’

  I also enjoyed looking super awesome.

  ‘Can’t you imagine it?’ she sighed, stretching her arm skyward to paint an imaginary picture. ‘You, me and Louisa, sat on the deck of your private villa, sun slipping over the h
orizon with nothing but the warm, blue waters of the Pacific Ocean for as far as the eye can see. And then, at the end of the day, you hop in your personal hot tub and go to bed.’

  I held a hand against my chest, my breath caught in my throat.

  ‘Uninterrupted sleep,’ Jenny whispered seductively. ‘For five whole nights.’

  The foul temptress.

  ‘Jen, honestly, I can’t,’ I said, shaking myself to shatter her spell. ‘If someone had told me having a baby would mean turning down a free trip to Hawaii, I’d have considered getting a dog instead, but she’s ten months old now, it’s a bit too late for me to do anything about it.’

  ‘Bring her.’

  I arched an eyebrow. ‘Really?’

  ‘No, not really,’ she sighed. ‘We’re not insured for babies and I really don’t know how I was planning to get out of that one if you’d said yes.’

  I closed my eyes and chased any thoughts of white sandy beaches, cocktails served in coconuts and big, empty king-size beds out of my mind.

  Jenny flopped down into the grass and sighed. ‘I know it isn’t as easy as it was before but come on, Angie. You could at least ask Alex. You could at least find out if you could take the time off of work. We used to have so much fun and now I never even see you.’

  There it was. Used to. We used to have fun. And I’d looked up what normcore meant: it was just a sneaky hipster word for boring. Was that me from now on? A Used To Be person?

  ‘I know this is a lot to ask but it would mean so much to me, for work and as a friend.’ Jenny pushed herself up onto her knees, hands clasped together in front of her chest, her gorgeous silk scarf-print dress spread out around her like a sexy Gucci picnic blanket. ‘Please, Angie, won’t you just think about it?’

  ‘Jenny,’ I whispered.

  ‘Yes?’ she replied.

  ‘You’re awfully close to the edge of the water.’

  ‘Oh shit!’

  Jenny looked over her shoulder, losing her balance as she twisted. All at once, I grabbed for her hand as she grabbed the fishing pole stuck in the grass at the side of my seat, only for the line to suddenly come to life and pull her flat down on her face. Jenny had a bite. She landed flat on her stomach, her face inches away from the water as I launched myself out of my chair, rugby-tackling her around the waist and anchoring my friend to dry land.

  ‘Let go of the fishing rod!’ I yelled as whatever was on the other end of the fishing line splashed furiously in the water.

  ‘Don’t let go of me!’ Jenny screamed, thrashing around as though she was about to dredge up Moby-Dick. ‘It’s pulling me into the river!’

  ‘It’s not Jaws,’ I shouted back, hoping that was true. I was scared, excited and still very hungry but even I didn’t think I could eat an entire shark. ‘Let go!’

  ‘Here’s your drin— oh, crap!’

  But Jenny did not let go. And the waitress, delivering my fresh cocktail, did not see us sprawled out on the riverbank. I glanced upwards just in time to see the look of shock on her face as she tripped over Jenny’s wildly kicking legs. She was not dressed for speedy reactions, her reflexes severely hampered by her heavy silk kimono and traditional wooden sandals, and before anyone could do anything she went flying. The cocktails went first, sailing over our heads and into the river. With one arm still wrapped around Jenny’s waist, I threw the other up in the air, trying to catch her as she fell, but it was too late, she was already as good as gone. A swoosh of silk, a desperate cry and, finally, a very, very loud splash.

  ‘Get off me!’ she shrieked as Jenny and I attempted to pull her back onto the island. The river was only about knee-deep but that hadn’t stopped her getting soaking wet from head to toe.

  Across the way, Roberto the Rower and the man who had shown us down the dark, dark tunnel jumped into one of the row boats, manically trying to reach the waterlogged waitress.

  ‘Are you all right?’ I asked as she crawled out of the water. Jenny picked up one side of her sodden kimono and tried to wring it out with a helpful smile. The waitress waved her away, Jenny ducking just in time to avoid a damp slap.

  ‘No, I’m not all right,’ she yelled. ‘Look at me. What the fuck were you doing on the floor?’

  ‘What is happening?’ The host from the front door stormed up the path, straightening his tie as he blustered onto the scene, Roberto and his gold trunks bringing up the rear.

  ‘We really don’t want to make a big deal about this,’ Jenny said, clearing her throat and dusting herself off as she stood up. ‘So we’ll take a round of free drinks and everything’s cool.’

  The host fixed her with a steely glare the likes of which I hadn’t seen since my mother caught me sneaking in through the living room window at three a.m. after I lost my keys at Peter Jensen’s seventeenth birthday party.

  ‘The sanctity of the forest has been disturbed,’ he said calmly as the waitress hurled herself against Roberto’s naked chest. Out of everyone, he didn’t seem too mad about it. ‘You need to leave.’

  ‘You’re kicking us out?’ I replied, indignant and, more importantly, still starving. ‘You’re serving booze and charging people hundreds of dollars to play hook-a-duck in the arse end of Brooklyn and you didn’t expect anyone to fall in, ever?’

  ‘Angela Clark, you savage,’ Jenny breathed in my ear before turning to the waitress with a sympathetic smile. ‘We’re really super sorry.’

  ‘I’m not even a waitress,’ she wailed. ‘I’m an actress, this isn’t what I do. I have six thousand followers on Instagram.’

  Jenny looked over her shoulder at me, impressed.

  ‘Wanna come to Hawaii?’ she asked as the waitress turned out her pocket and dropped a tiny goldfish back into the river.

  ‘Just get out before I call the cops,’ the host ordered. ‘Roberto, take them out the back.’

  ‘Your loss, lady.’ Jenny threw her hands up over her head and turned on her gorgeous red patent heel as we were escorted off the premises. ‘For real, I can’t give this trip away.’

  ‘Come on,’ I muttered, considerably less keen to make eye contact with the other diners than I had been when we arrived. Being marched through the kitchens and kicked out into a dustbin-filled alleyway was not how I’d envisioned my evening ending. ‘Dinosaur BBQ is around the corner. Let’s go and eat some proper food.’

  ‘OK but you owe me a hundred bucks,’ she said, curtseying at Roberto as he shrugged and then slammed the door in our faces.

  ‘I do?’

  ‘You bet me a hundred bucks that one of us would fall in the water by the end of the night,’ Jenny replied, impossibly pleased with herself. ‘And neither of us did.’

  ‘Hmm.’ I linked my arm through hers as we turned the corner back onto 3rd Avenue. ‘I suppose I do. Look at us, growing as people.’

  She grinned and gave my arm a squeeze.

  ‘If you come to Hawaii, I’ll let you off?’

  I couldn’t help but smile. ‘If I pay for dinner will you shut up about Hawaii?’

  ‘No, you’re totally coming, doll. The sooner you accept it, the better.’

  At least she’d been right about one thing, I thought as we walked on, arm in arm towards a plateful of pulled pork. It had certainly been a night I’d never forget.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Light was already beginning to seep in around the curtains when someone decided to lean on their car horn right outside my bedroom window at six a.m. on Thursday morning. I hated to start my days feeling homicidal but this was the price I paid to live in New York; occasionally, people were thoughtless dicks. Presumably there were thoughtless dicks everywhere but the horn honking really seemed much more prevalent here than anywhere else I’d ever been. Whether I liked it or not, I was awake and I knew the intelligent thing to do would be to stay awake. Either Alice or my alarm would go off by seven anyway and the extra hour would be meaningless, I’d feel worse than if I got up now. But I wasn’t intelligent, I was exhausted. As I rolled over onto my s
ide, pulling the duvet up under my chin, Alex curled around me, pressing himself into my back and giving me another bone to deal with.

  ‘Alex,’ I breathed into my pillow as he ran his hand under the covers, down my arm, my waist, my hip, tiptoeing his calloused fingertips across my leg and tracing circles on my thigh. ‘I’m tired.’

  He didn’t say anything. Instead I felt his warm body moving against the curves of my back, his fingers sliding upwards under the edge of my shorts.

  ‘It’s so early,’ I mumbled, smiling into my pillow.

  ‘You don’t have to do anything but lie there,’ Alex replied, lifting my hair up at the nape of my neck and pressing his lips against my skin. ‘Unless that sounds really creepy and you would like to be more actively involved.’

  ‘That sounds like a very workable plan,’ I replied, giving in as his hand slipped between my legs.

  It had been a while since this had happened. And by ‘a while’ I meant more than month. I thought I knew what tired was before I had a baby – living with Jenny was hardly a relaxing experience, after all – but this was something else entirely. Motherhood utterly consumed me, mind, body and spirit. For the first six months, every ounce of my existence had gone into Alice and now, as I tried to pull back pieces of my life, I was even more exhausted than before. No matter what the baby books said, it was almost impossible to get yourself in the mood when you were so exhausted you felt like you were in a medically induced coma every time your head hit the pillow. No matter how hot your husband might be.

  ‘Alex, wait,’ I whispered, my voice catching in my throat as he pulled my T-shirt up over my head and the world turned pink for a moment as I untangled myself from the fabric.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, stopping immediately.

  Wrangling my T-shirt back down, I offered him my best apologetic grimace.

  ‘I need a wee.’

  Really I had to start working on my Kegel exercises.

  ‘Give me two seconds,’ I said, all arms and legs as I scrambled out the bed, running to the bathroom on tiptoes. A quick wee, a rinse around with mouthwash and, bloody hell, I thought as I caught sight of myself in the mirror, maybe we’ll go for a once-over with the micellar water, given that I got approximately none of my mascara off before I went to bed. Motherhood meant multitasking and I was well into my second cleanse, sitting on the loo, when I heard Alice start.