Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Oops! 2,500 newborn babies will be dropped in the next month.

  WHATEVER HAPPENED TO…

  Giant corporations are as much a part of our culture as movies, music, and sports. Many become household names and then, one day…they’re gone.

  BEATRICE FOODS

  The Rise: In 1894 two Nebraska businessmen formed the Beatrice Creamery, a wholesaler of milk, eggs, and butter purchased from local farmers. By 1910 Beatrice controlled nine Midwestern creameries and shipped their products nationwide. By 1930 the company had 32 dairy plants that churned out 27 million gallons of Meadow Gold brand milk each year. In the 1950s, the company—now called Beatrice Foods—aggressively expanded by purchasing other established food brands, including Jolly Rancher candy, Dannon yogurt, Tropicana orange juice, Clark Bars, Butterball, and Wesson vegetable oil. In the 1970s, Beatrice expanded beyond food, purchasing Avis Rent-a-Car, Playtex, Airstream, and Samsonite. By 1984 the company had annual sales of $12 billion.

  The Fall: Beatrice was so successful that others wanted a piece of the business. In 1984 a private equity firm called Kohlberg Kravis Roberts began buying up large chunks of Beatrice stock, so much that KKR was able to place its representatives on Beatrice’s corporate board, which then helped direct the company’s “future path.” In other words, KKR staged a hostile takeover. By 1986 KKR owned all of Beatrice and had paid a total of only $8.7 billion for it. Over the next four years, KKR dismantled and sold off every individual division, product, and brand Beatrice once controlled. The majority of it was sold to Beatrice’s biggest competitor, ConAgra Foods.

  CompuQuiz: Who invented the floppy disk? Dr. Yoshiro Nakamatsu. (He holds over 2,300 patents, more than twice the 1,093 held by Thomas Edison.)

  AMERICAN MOTORS CORPORATION

  The Rise: Nash Motors, makers of the classic Roadster, purchased the Kelvinator Appliance Company in 1937. The resulting company, Nash-Kelvinator, bought the Hudson Motor Car Company in 1954 and became American Motors Corporation. The new company was valued at $198 million and was, at the time, the biggest merger in history. Nash CEO George Mason thought consolidation of smaller brands was the only way to compete with the “Big Three” car companies—GM, Ford, and Chrysler. In its first decade, AMC’s biggest seller was an old Nash model: the Rambler. They added the Rambler American in the late ’50s and the sporty AMX and the Javelin in the early ’60s. But in 1970 the company decided the best way to carve out a niche was differentiation. Since the Big Three made big gas-guzzlers, AMC made fuel-efficient compacts. Tiny AMC hatchbacks like the Gremlin, Hornet, and Pacer, while ugly and prone to mechanical problems, sold well enough to become icons of the 1970s. Attractive to consumers during the ’70s gas shortage, more than 700,000 Gremlins and 900,000 Hornets were sold during the decade. AMC also purchased Jeep from Kaiser Motors in 1970, and the popularity of that brand helped keep the company afloat—just barely—into the 1980s. But for all their efforts, AMC never climbed out of fourth place.

  The Fall: Around 1979, Japanese carmakers such as Toyota and Datsun flooded the American market with cheaper, better-built cars that cut into AMC’s sales. In 1982 the company was purchased by the French carmaker Renault, which in turn was purchased by Chrysler in 1987. What became of AMC? Chrysler retired all the AMC brand names with two exceptions: Jeep and Eagle.

  KENNER TOYS

  The Rise: Founded in 1947 by the Steiner brothers (Albert, Philip, Joseph) on Kenner Street in Cincinnati, Kenner Toys’ first products were battery-powered bubble blowers. They were an instant hit: By 1950 more than a million Bubble Rockets had sold. In the 1950s and ’60s, Kenner produced a long line of classic toys, including the Easy-Bake Oven, Spiro-Graph, and Baby Alive. Kenner was the third-largest toy company in the world (trailing Hasbro and Mattel) when it was purchased by General Mills in 1967. Kenner continued with more popular toys in the 1970s and 1980s, including Play-Doh, Stretch Armstrong, Strawberry Shortcake, and Care Bears. In 1975 filmmaker George Lucas approached Kenner (after rival Mego Toys declined) with a deal for them to make toys based on his upcoming Star Wars movie. Smart move: Star Wars toys ultimately earned more than $1 billion for Kenner. (Other successful movie tie-ins for Kenner: Robo-Cop, Ghostbusters, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Batman.)

  The Fall: The company vanished in a series of corporate mergers. In 1987 General Mills decided to go back to focusing on food products so it sold Kenner to Tonka Toys (makers of toy cars and trucks). Just four years after that, Tonka Toys, including Kenner, was sold to Hasbro, the world’s largest toy company. By 1994 Hasbro had assumed production on all toys once made by Kenner and eliminated the brand name entirely.

  EASTERN AIR LINES

  The Rise: In 1929 Clement Keys of North American Aviation purchased Pitcairn Aviation. Pitcairn owned just one propeller plane but held a lucrative government contract to fly mail between New York and Atlanta. In 1930 Keys renamed the company Eastern, bought five new planes, and expanded to include passenger flights out of New York, Atlanta, Miami, Boston, and Richmond. Keys’s strategy was to let the other airlines do coast-to-coast flights—Eastern would do short hops between large East Coast cities. It worked. Until the end of the 1930s, Eastern was the only airline that flew from New York to Boston and Miami. Former astronaut Frank Borman became CEO in 1975 and aggressively modernized the company. Eastern was the first airline with an all-jet fleet, a computerized reservation system, and a “shuttle service”—hourly flights from New York to Washington, D.C.

  The Fall: Congress passed the Airline Deregulation Act in 1978, which ended government price controls of flights. No-frills, low-cost carriers like People Express entered the marketplace, forcing big airlines like Eastern into competitive pricing, often at a loss. By 1985 Eastern served more passengers than any other airline, but was losing $700,000 a day and was $3.5 billion in debt. It was bought out for $615 million by Texas Air Corporation, which also owned Continental Airlines. TAC chief executive Frank Lorenzo stripped many of Eastern’s assets and transferred them to his other airlines—six Eastern planes went to Continental and the computer system went to Texas Air. Lorenzo also cut pay and eliminated benefits to Eastern’s mechanics and ground crews, leading to a strike by Eastern mechanics, pilots, and flight attendants in 1989. All flights were cancelled, and the loss of revenue was the final blow. Eastern filed for bankruptcy in 1989 but continued to operate, all the while laying off workers and selling off planes (they sold the shuttle service to Donald Trump). In January 1991, Eastern finally ran out of cash and became grounded forever.

  Hard to believe? There are more than five million trees in New York City.

  SACRIFICE ON THE SOFTBALL FIELD

  What has three heads, five good legs, and is one of the most inspiring sports stories we’ve ever heard? Read on.

  BATTER UP!

  It was the second inning of a 2008 NCAA Division II women’s softball game. The Western Oregon University Wolves were visiting the Central Washington University Wildcats. It was the last game of the season, and both teams were vying for a spot in the NCAA Tournament. Up to the plate walked WOU’s 5'2" outfielder, Sara Tucholsky. Some CWU home fans were heckling her about her short stature, but Tucholsky paid them no mind—she was focused on a personal goal: Her softball career would soon be over, and she wanted to hit a home run, a feat she had never accomplished in her eight years of organized ball. In fact, Tucholsky only had three hits in 34 at-bats that season. But now, with two runners on base and no score in the game, here was her chance to redeem herself. First pitch: called strike. Undeterred, Tucholsky dug in on the second pitch and swung as hard as she could…and knew immediately that she had gotten all of it. In her excitement, as she watched the ball sail over the center field fence, she completely missed tagging first base. So a few steps into her turn toward second, she stopped and spun around to go back.

  But then…SNAP! Her elation turned into agony.

  Something had ripped inside Tucholsky’s right knee and she collapsed onto the dirt. As she lay t
here, the umpire informed WOU Head Coach Pam Knox that Tucholsky had to touch every base in order for the home run to count—otherwise a pinch runner would have to take first base, giving her only a single. And her teammates could not assist her, or she’d be out. Seeing no other option, Coach Knox called for the pinch runner.

  Every year about $303,000 in loose change is left at U.S. airport metal detectors.

  TOUCH ’EM ALL

  That’s when CWU’s star player, Mallory Holtman, stepped in. The Wildcats’ first baseman was the career home run leader in the Great Northwest Athletic Conference but had never made it to the NCAA Tournament. And if her team lost, her collegiate softball career would be over. But none of that mattered as she saw her opponent writhing in agony. Holtman asked the umpire, “Excuse me, would it be OK if we carried her around and she touched each bag?” The ump said that there was no rule against someone from the other team helping her, so Holtman and Shortstop Liz Wallace ran over and gently lifted Tucholsky off the field.

  Thus began one of the strangest home run trots in the history of the game. “I don’t know what it looked like to observers,” recalled Holtman, “but it was kind of funny because Liz and I were carrying her on both sides, and we’d get to a base and gently, barely tap her left foot.” For Tucholsky’s part, she doesn’t remember too much—she was more focused on the pain. The only words she spoke were, “Thank you guys so much.”

  HOME AT LAST

  When Tucholsky’s left foot finally touched home plate, the crowd was giving the girls a standing ovation. Many in the stadium were in tears as Holtman and Wallace placed her in a chair. The girls’ sacrifice for a player they didn’t even know ended up costing their team the game—the Wolves won, 4–2. But afterward, few were talking about the final score. Said Coach Knox, “It’s moments like that that you respect that it’s just a game. I hope it’s a lesson my players will never forget. I certainly won’t.”

  Thanks to Tucholsky’s homer, the Wolves earned a spot in the NCAA Tournament, where they came in second place. Tucholsky didn’t play, though—she’d torn her ACL. Her last career at-bat turned out to be her only home run. When asked about the incident, Tucholsky maintains that Holtman and Wallace were the real heroes. And they’ve been pretty humble as well. “In the end,” said Holtman, “it’s not about winning and losing so much—it was about this girl. She hit it over the fence, and she deserved a home run.”

  Postscript: It turned out that the umpire was wrong: Because the ball had cleared the fence, the runner was automatically awarded all four bases, so a pinch runner could have come in and finished running for Tucholsky. But if the umpire had known the correct rule, the world would have been denied an incredible act of sportsmanship.

  The average stay for a prisoner on Alcatraz was five years.

  UNCLE JOHN’S PAGE OF LISTS

  Some random bits from the BRI’s bottomless trivia files.

  5 MOST WIDELY ASSIGNED BOOKS IN HIGH SCHOOLS

  1. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

  2. The Scarlet Letter

  3. To Kill a Mockingbird

  4. Lord of the Flies

  5. The Great Gatsby

  6 FLAVORS OF KIT-KAT BARS SOLD IN JAPAN

  1. Green tea

  2. Red bean

  3. Yubari melon

  4. Cherry blossom

  5. Wine 6.

  6. Blood Orange

  6 MOST COMMONLY MISSPELLED U.S. CITIES

  1. Pittsburgh, PA

  2. Tucson, AZ

  3. Cincinnati, OH

  4. Albuquerque, NM

  5. Culpeper, VA

  6. Asheville, NC

  4 WORDS FOR “FART”

  1. Lu-suzi (Bantu)

  2. Furz (German)

  3. He (Japanese)

  4. Prout (French)

  5 PEOPLE ON NIXON’S 1968 “ENEMIES LIST”

  1. Tony Randall

  2. Joe Namath

  3. Paul Newman

  4. Steve McQueen

  5. Bill Cosby

  4 THINGS THAT CONTAIN FORMALDEHYDE

  1. Particleboard

  2. Lipstick

  3. Carpet

  4. Draft beer

  6 DEFUNCT DEPARTMENT STORE CHAINS

  1. May

  2. Gimbel’s

  3. Wanamaker’s

  4. The Bon Marché

  5. Marshall Field’s

  6. Montgomery Ward

  7 HIGHEST TEMPERATURES RECORDED ON EACH CONTINENT

  1. Africa: 136°F

  2. N. America: 134°F

  3. Asia: 129°F

  4. Australia: 128°F

  5. Europe: 122°F

  6. S. America: 120°F

  7. Antarctica: 59°F

  5 THINGS INVENTED BY MONKS

  1. Mechanical clocks

  2. Pretzels

  3. Roulette

  4. The @ sign

  5. Munster cheese

  7 ANIMALS THAT MATE FOR LIFE

  1. Beaver

  2. Orangutan

  3. Fox

  4. Stork

  5. Penguin

  6. Vulture

  7. Pigeon

  According to a British study, hospital admissions rise by up to 52% on Friday the 13th.

  MAKING A MOVIE, PART I

  One of Uncle John’s secret dreams is to write, direct, produce, and star in a big-budget Hollywood movie…plus compose the music, choreograph the stunts, design the costumes, program the special effects, cook for the crew, distribute the film.…Hold on there, Uncle John! You may need some help.

  LIGHTS…CAMERA…ACTION!

  Making a big-budget Hollywood movie takes hundreds—even thousands—of dedicated people. You’ve read their names in the closing credits of every feature film you’ve ever seen. But what do they all do? How does a film actually get made? This article only scratches the surface of what goes into making a movie, but you’ll get a good idea of how all of these skilled people work toward the same goal…and what can happen when the goals of some don’t match the goals of others. It doesn’t take much to turn what could have been a good movie into a bad one, and vice versa. Yet there’s one thing that all movies have in common: Whoever comes up with the idea believes it’ll be a great one.

  STAGE ONE: CONCEPT AND DEVELOPMENT

  Movies usually come from one of two places: A screenwriter may pen an original story and then find a producer or director who wants to make it, or a producer may come up with the idea—possibly to adapt a book, play, TV show, or an earlier film. The producer will then work up a very rough budget and pitch the concept to a movie studio or other financial backer. If approved, the producer will then option the story from the screenwriter or whoever owns the rights to the story or characters. This is a contractual agreement stating that the movie rights can only be sold to that particular studio.

  Next, a general outline called a treatment is made while a somewhat more refined budget estimate is calculated. After those are done, the studio will make a final decision as to whether or not to put up the funds to make the movie. There are more factors in play than simply whether the film will be good or not. These days a big-budget movie must find more ways to recoup its high cost: sequel potential, merchandising opportunities, and DVD sales. Studios are more likely to finance a familiar story with well-known stars that already have a proven track record, thus guaranteeing a better return on their investment. This explains why so many films are sequels or remakes. For most studios, originality is too big a risk.

  Marlon Brando and James Gandolfini both got their “big breaks” in movies after appearing in stage versions of A Streetcar Named Desire.

  If the treatment is approved, the project is green-lighted. At this point the film is officially in development. But that’s no guarantee that it will get made. Snags in the process due to creative differences, budget or location disagreements, or scheduling conflicts with the director or lead actor can send the project into “development hell,” a condition from which many proposed movi
es never recover. (See page 71.) But if all goes well, the next steps are to put together a production department and finalize a workable shooting script.

  THE MODERN SCREENPLAY: MOVIE BY COMMITTEE

  In recent years, the number of people who get writing credits on a single movie has grown significantly. Why? Unless a movie is written and directed by the same person, the screenplay is at the mercy of many people: a producer (often under pressure by the studio) may want to add more action or more romance to make the film more marketable, a big-name actor may demand changes to his or her character, or the director may want to put his or her own stamp on the work. In those cases, script doctors are called in. Here are three movies that underwent major changes from conception to release.

  CHARLIE’S ANGELS (2000). Based on the 1970s TV show, the screenplay reportedly went through 30 revisions and had 18 different writers. The movie didn’t even have an ending when filming began. One major change: star Drew Barrymore (who also served as a producer) decided that only the bad guys would use guns; the Angels would rely solely on their martial arts skills.

  Did it work? Yes and no. Charlie’s Angels was critically panned, but the combination of three well-known female leads and a familiar premise helped the film earn over $256 million worldwide, more than recouping its $93 million budget.