Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Haven’t lived up to my potential.

  Jump right in and play.

  Don’t even try to plan it.

  I wanted to be a contender.

  Restless, fearful, hopeless, hopeful, joyful, thankful.

  Just kept doing the next thing.

  Found my path. Walked it fearlessly.

  Crawl, step, run, step, crawl, lay.

  Didn’t do what I should have.

  It makes more sense looking back.

  Child, adult, wife, mom, widow, me.

  Half over but feels like new.

  Too much hair, then not enough.

  Learned it, used it, forgot it.

  Skipped the present pursuing the future.

  Not as bad as I expected.

  Shout, give; repeat as necessary.

  Not what I expected but fun.

  Questioned and answered, helped when possible.

  Astonished I’ve made it this far.

  Too young for life’s great questions.

  It’s really none of your business.

  Never do silly things like this.

  Um…what was the question again?

  There are 34 “Reindeer” place names in the U.S. Most of them are in Alaska.

  COCKTAIL PARTY

  Cocktails have a certain glamour—they show up all the time in movies and TV shows and have become part of American culture. But if you’re like us, you’ve probably wondered what’s in them and where they came from. Here are the (often murky) origins of a few famous ones.

  D RINK: Long Island Ice Tea

  HOW IT’S MADE: Stir together a mixture of clear spirits (vodka, gin, light rum, and tequila). Then add triple sec, a splash of sour mix, and a splash of cola, pour it all over ice in a tall glass, and garnish with a lemon slice.

  HISTORY: Food writer John Mariani quotes a bartender from the Oak Beach Inn in Long Island, New York, who said he was “fooling around with some drinks” in 1976, put this combo together, and “the thing tasted just like iced tea.” Another story is that the drink was invented during Prohibition by a moonshiner in an area of Tennessee called Long Island, so that if the Feds raided him it would look as if his customers were drinking iced tea. A third story: Long Island housewives in the 1950s mixed together a little from each bottle in the liquor cabinet (presumably so that no one would notice any was missing), and added cola to make it look like iced tea.

  DRINK: Daiquiri

  HOW IT’S MADE: The purist’s daiquiri is a combination of white rum, lime juice, and sugar, poured over ice, then strained into a chilled glass. The other kind of daiquiri—the slushy frozen variety—is made in a blender with the same ingredients plus fruit (peaches, bananas, or strawberries), retaining the ice.

  If you’re average, you’ll flex your finger joints 25 million times during your lifetime.

  HISTORY: After the Spanish-American War (1898), many American engineers lived in the Cuban town of Daiquirí, where they ran the local mines. It was their habit to go to the Venus Hotel to relax on weekends, and Chief Engineer Jennings Cox is credited with “inventing” the daiquiri there. Of course, Cubans had been mixing rum, lime, and sugar for a very long time, but it wasn’t until Cox named the cocktail and Admiral Lucius Johnson, a navy medical officer, took it back to the Army and Navy Club in Washington, D.C., in 1909, that it gained a following in the United States. F. Scott Fitzgerald mentions the drink in his 1920 novel This Side of Paradise, and it’s said that the daiquiri was one of Ernest Hemingway’s preferred drinks. (The frozen daiquiri is rumored to have been developed much later, at La Florida Bar in Havana, a favorite hangout of Americans.) During World War II, when wartime rationing made it hard to get other spirits, rum from Central and South America was still plentiful, and the daiquiri became very popular. Later, the daiquiri was President John F. Kennedy’s favorite drink, an odd fact considering that it originated in Cuba—and Cuba was the site of the ill-fated Bay of Pigs invasion, a low point in the Kennedy administration. (Kennedy also loved Cuban cigars.)

  DRINK: Harvey Wallbanger

  HOW IT’S MADE: Mix together vodka, orange juice, and Galliano—an Italian liqueur with flavors of vanilla and anise. A Hillary Wallbanger substitutes white wine for the vodka.

  HISTORY: The story goes that after losing a big surfing contest in the late 1950s, a surfer named Tom Harvey went to Duke’s Blackwatch Bar (or possibly Pancho’s Bar—stories vary) in Manhattan Beach, California, and slugged down a few Galliano-spiked screwdrivers. He tried to walk a straight line to the door, but the walls kept getting in his way, earning him the nickname “Harvey the Wallbanger”—and the cocktail he drank that night got the same name. A less-romantic theory is that the Galliano company launched an ad campaign featuring a clumsy cartoon character called Harvey, and the drink got its name from him. The Wallbanger was popular in the 1970s, but it’s gone out of favor since then.

  DRINK: Manhattan

  HOW IT’S MADE: This classic drink begins with a base of rye, blended whiskey, or bourbon. Then add sweet vermouth and a dash of bitters, stir briefly with ice, immediately strain it all into a lowball glass, and garnish with a cherry. A Manhattan made with scotch is called a Rob Roy.

  The second and third Academy Awards ceremonies were both held in 1930.

  HISTORY: Again, there’s more than one possible origin story. Some believe it was first served in New York City’s Manhattan Club at an 1874 banquet given by Lady Randolph Churchill (Winston Churchill’s mother) to celebrate the election of Samuel Tilden as New York’s governor. But other historians claim that the Manhattan Club bartender invented it for Supreme Court Justice Charles Henry Truax in 1890, when the judge’s doctor ordered him to stop drinking martinis.

  DRINK: Tom Collins

  HOW IT’S MADE: Combine dry gin, sugar, lemon juice, club soda, a lemon or orange slice, and a cherry in an extra-tall glass that’s now known generically as a Collins glass. A Ron Collins substitutes rum for gin (ron is the Spanish word for rum); a José Collins is made with tequila.

  HISTORY: The drink, a variation on the gin fizz, is said to date back to the mid-19th century. It was invented either by a bartender named Tom Collins who worked at the Whitehouse Bar in New York City, or by a headwaiter named John Collins who worked at a London hotel. In fact, some experts say it was originally known as a “John Collins,” and the name changed when bars started making it with a sweetened gin called Old Tom. Later, during the shortages of World War II, some soldiers were forced to make the drink with aftershave because they couldn’t get gin… and called it an Aqua Velva Collins.

  DRINK: Cosmopolitan

  HOW IT’S MADE: Stir together vodka, triple sec, lime juice, and cranberry juice, and serve in a martini glass with a garnish of lime wedge.

  HISTORY: The “Cosmo” had already been fairly popular for two decades when it made its first appearance on Sex and the City on July 18, 1999. (Samantha orders one at a wedding reception.) That skyrocketed the Cosmopolitan to fame. Who invented it? No one’s quite sure—it may have come from Provincetown, Massachusetts, or San Francisco in the 1970s. But wherever it came from, New Yorkers soon started drinking them, and the rest of the country followed suit. Cosmos are sweet, but they can pack a punch, which is why they’re sometimes called “pink kamikazes” or “stealth martinis.”

  The Massachusetts state horse is the Morgan. State dessert: Boston cream pie.

  OL’ JAY’S BRAINTEASERS

  Uh-oh. Looks like Jay has written the BRI team into a another batch of puzzles. Let’s see how we do. Answers are on page 539.

  1. HUNGRY BOOKWORM

  Kait is the newest member of the BRI team. To test out whether we were really as smart as she’s heard (we’re not), she asked us a math question that even her 11-year-old son, C. J., answered correctly: “Three Bathroom Readers are stacked vertically next to each other on a bookshelf, with their spines facing out. The covers of the books each measure 1/8". The pages of each book measure 2". If the bookworm starts eating at page one
of the book on the left, then eats through the books in a straight line until he gets to the last page of the book on the right, how many inches of book will he have eaten?”

  2. THE 5TH CONDITION

  Uncle John strolled into the office and announced, “Civics quiz, everybody!” After we whined a bit, he asked a question that sounded tough, but he assured us it was not. “According to the U.S. Constitution,” he said, “five conditions must be met in order for a candidate to become president. He or she must: 1) be born in the United States, 2) be 35 years old or more, 3) be an American citizen, and 4) have resided in the U.S. for the last 14 years. What’s the fifth condition? You may think you don’t know it, but you do.”

  3. SURROUNDED

  Julia is riding a horse. Directly to her left is a hippo traveling at the same speed. In front of her is an elephant, also traveling at the same speed. Following behind her—at the same speed—is a lion. And to her right is a ledge. How will Julia make it to safety?

  Sunglasses first became popular in the 1920s, when movie stars wore them to protect against reporters’ flashbulbs.

  4. BUILDER BLUNDER

  JoAnn, Melinda, and Monica each purchased a new home in Porcelain Estates, an exclusive community consisting of nine shiny houses. But the builders forgot to add an important part to the houses, forcing the three new homeowners to buy the part at the hardware store. One thousand would have cost $4.00. Fifty would have cost $2.00. But JoAnn, Melinda, and Monica needed only one each and paid a combined total of $3.00. What did the builders forget to add?

  5. THE RUNAROUND

  Two-eff Jeff was sitting in a chair in the middle of the room. One-eff Jef walked up and said, “I’ll bet you a dollar that before I run around your chair three times, you’ll get up. And I promise I won’t push you or throw things at you. When you get up, it will be by choice.” Two-eff Jeff took the bet, thinking he’d make an easy dollar. But it was soon obvious that One-eff Jef had won. Why?

  6. A MOTHER’S GIFT

  Amy challenged us with this classic riddle:

  Black as night I’ll always be,

  Until my mother smothers me.

  Then clear as ice I will become

  In the rough. Thank you, Mum!

  What am I?

  7. FEELING FLAT

  Thom drove all the way from Crappo, Maryland, to Flushing, New York, without realizing his car had a flat tire, but arrived safely with four fully inflated tires. How?

  8. COFFEE DELIVERY!

  Trying to figure out the answers to these questions tired us out, but then along came Angie with a large pot of freshly brewed coffee. Yay! “I can give you one gallon,” she said. “But you’ll have to measure it out yourselves.” Then she handed us a three-gallon bucket and a five-gallon bucket. As we were sitting there dumfounded, Maggie told us not to worry—she’d do it. How?

  BASED ON A “TRUE” STORY

  While telling a true story, Hollywood often strays from the truth, embellishing some facts while omitting others. Here are some inconsistencies we found in major motion pictures.

  Movie: The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)

  Reel Story: Homeless father Chris Gardner (played by Will Smith) is trying to turn his life around. He wows an employee of a stockbrokerage by solving a Rubik’s Cube in a few seconds, earning a place in the company’s prestigious training program. As he goes through the program, Gardner and his nine-year-old son sleep in churches and the subway. After he nearly misses his big final interview because of too many outstanding parking tickets, Gardner finally lands the stockbroker job.

  Real Story: Gardner is a real person and he was indeed homeless while in the training program, but he never had his son with him—he didn’t even know where the boy was (he was with his mother). The Rubik’s Cube incident was pure Hollywood invention, and while Gardner actually was arrested right before his final interview, it wasn’t for parking tickets. It was for spousal abuse.

  Movie: Good Morning, Vietnam (1987)

  Reel Story: Deejay Adrian Cronauer (Robin Williams) is drafted into the Army and sent to serve in Vietnam. He is put to work as a disc jockey on Armed Forces Radio, where he delivers long antiwar and antiestablishment (but funny) rants in between songs, ultimately leading to a dishonorable discharge.

  Real Story: Only the basics of Cronauer’s story were used—he was a deejay sent to Vietnam, where he worked as a deejay. The zany, antiwar diatribes were added by screenwriters to suit the comic style of Robin Williams. Cronauer says he never performed any humorous or political monologues because 1) it would have gotten him court-martialed, and 2) he wasn’t antiwar. He was never kicked out of the Army—he merely returned home to Pennsylvania when his tour of duty in Vietnam ended. Cronauer calls himself a life long Republican and he even served on President Bush’s 2004 reelection campaign.

  How about you? One in every 10 people in the world lives on an island.

  Movie: Mask (1985)

  Reel Story: Rocky Dennis (Eric Stoltz) is a teenager with a fatal genetic disorder called craniodiaphyseal dysplasia. Calcium buildup in his skull makes his head twice the normal size and causes extreme facial disfigurement. Toward the end of the movie, Dennis gets a job as a counselor at a camp for the blind. He falls in love with a blind girl (Laura Dern) and, having experienced love, dies peacefully.

  Real Story: Sadly, the most romantic part of the film is pure fabrication. Dennis never worked at a camp for blind kids and never fell in love with a blind girl. In fact, as a result of his condition, Dennis himself was legally blind from the age of six.

  Movie: Capote (2005)

  Reel Story: This portrayal of Truman Capote (Philip Seymour Hoffman) details Capote’s writing of In Cold Blood, a book about a brutal murder in Kansas. The title card at the end of the film states that “In Cold Blood made Truman Capote the most famous writer in America. He never finished another book.”

  Real Story: While it’s debatable that Capote was the “most famous writer in America,” the statement that he never finished another book is simply false. In addition to short stories, newspaper articles, and several anthologies, Capote published several short novels after In Cold Blood.

  Movie: Rudy (1993)

  Reel Story: Daniel “Rudy” Ruettiger (Sean Astin) dreams of playing football for Notre Dame. Despite his small stature he makes it onto the team in his senior year. But the coach who let him on the team is replaced by Dan Devine (Chelcie Ross), who won’t let Rudy play. In the last game of the year, the rest of the team refuses to play unless Rudy gets to play, too. Rudy plays, Rudy sacks the quarterback, Notre Dame wins.

  Real Story: Notre Dame players never staged a protest—Devine actually insisted that Rudy play in that last game.

  Who was Adriaen van der Donck? The first and only lawyer in New York City in 1653.

  OPEN WIDE

  We bet you’ll cover your mouth at least once while reading these disturbing dentist stories.

  In February 2007, police were called to an Ossining, New York, apartment, and after busting down the door found a dental chair, lights, drills, syringes, painkillers, and even a schedule book (but no sterilization equipment). The tenant of the apartment, Alfonso Ruiz-Molina, 40, who is not a dentist—but played one on actual patients in the apartment—was arrested.

  • Dr. George Trusty of Syracuse, New York, was working in his office one day in late 2004 when a song he liked came on the radio. He started dancing. Bad idea: He was drilling into 31-year-old Brandy Fanning’s teeth at the time. The drill bit broke and flew into Fanning’s upper mouth and into her sinus, lodging near her eye socket. She needed emergency surgery to remove the bit before it could blind her. She sued Dr. Trusty for $600,000.

  • In 2007 Roger Bean, 60, of West Palm Beach, Florida, was arrested for running a denture-making business…in his garage, which police described as “filthy.” “Shame on me for doing what I do,” Bean said, “but I always felt like I was born with the gift to do it.” Police said they later received several
calls from people who “wanted their teeth back,” including one man who had only two real teeth and said he couldn’t eat without his dentures.

  • By April 2007, Dr. Alan Hutchinson had been practicing dentistry in London, England, for more than 28 years. And during that time, according to a police report, Hutchinson did not regularly wash his hands—and often worked without gloves. It gets worse: The 51-year-old routinely used dental tools to clean his fingernails and ears. And worse: A dental nurse who worked for him for 16 years said she had, on more than one occasion, caught him urinating in his dental sink. She said that she never said anything because she was too embarrassed. Hutchinson was banned from ever practicing medicine in the U.K. again.

  The on-board toilet was introduced by Russian Airlines in 1913.

  KNOW YOUR KNUCKLES

  All your knuckle kneeds met right here—at KnuckleMart.

  KNUCKLE SCIENCE

  Do your knuckles actually “crack”? Not really. Here’s what’s going on: Your knuckles, like all the joints in your body, are surrounded by a sac of thick, clear synovial fluid. When you stretch the bones of a joint apart, as you do when you crack your knuckles, the sac is stretched. That reduces the pressure in the sac, which causes bubbles to be formed. Stretch it far enough, and the pressure drops low enough for the bubbles to burst—resulting in the loud “pop.”

  • You’ve probably noticed that once you’ve cracked a knuckle, you can’t do it again for some time afterward. That’s because it takes time for the bubbles to dissolve back into the fluid…usually about a half hour. (According to experts, you can crack them as often as you want—the notion that it is harmful to your joints is an old wives’ tale.)

  • “Knuckle-walking” is the name for a type of locomotion used by some animals, such as gorillas and chimpanzees. It’s a form of quadrupedalism, or walking on four limbs (as opposed to our two-legged bipedalism), and involves putting weight on the knuckles of the front limbs when walking. Other animals that use it include the giant anteater and the platypus.