Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  LAST NIGHT (1998) Drama/Science-Fiction

  Review: “A film about the end of the world that paints a bittersweet picture. The world will end at midnight precisely and we meet a small group of people as they try to face the end with a certain grace and dignity. As the final hour approaches for the characters, there are moments of startling poignancy.” (Roger Ebert’s Movie Yearbook) Stars: Don McKellar, Sandra Oh. Director: Don McKellar.

  Minimum salary of an NBA rookie in 2008: $442,000. (Maximum for a WNBA player: $90,000.)

  THE ORPHANAGE (2007) Horror/Foreign

  Review: “Young orphan Laura spent her formative years at a large orphanage located by the Spanish seaside. Thirty years later, she returns to the dilapidated institution with her husband and seven-year-old son to reopen it as a facility for disabled children. However, something ominous haunts the darkened hallways of this silent, stately manor.” (All Movie Guide) Director: Juan Antonio Bayona.

  PUCKER UP (2005) Documentary

  Review: “Five diverse whistlers head to North Carolina to see who will become the champ at the National Whistling Competition. Inherently funny and entertaining simply due to its subject matter. These people take their whistling very seriously.” (Film Threat magazine) Directors: Kate Davis and David Heilbroner.

  THE FOUNTAIN (2006) Science-Fiction

  Review: “A present-day medical researcher works on a cure for cancer. Meanwhile, a 15th century conquistador searches out the Tree Of Life. Finally, in 2500, a man tries to regenerate the Tree in the heart of a star. At heart, this is a simple fable about love and death, but keeps viewers enthralled from Mayan temples to space nebulae. A complex and gorgeous mini-epic.” (Empire magazine) Stars: Hugh Jackman, Rachel Weisz. Director: Darren Aronofsky.

  A PERFECT WORLD (1993) Drama

  Review: “A father-son relationship develops between an escaped convict and the seven-year-old boy he takes as a hostage. A very American mix of male bonding, road movie, and thriller that reveals a few signs of originality.” (Halliwell’s Film and Video Guide) Stars: Kevin Costner, Laura Dern. Director: Clint Eastwood.

  GOD IS BRAZILIAN (2003) Family/Foreign

  Review: “God has reached the end of his tether with the human race and has decided to take a well-earned vacation. But he needs to find someone to fill in for him while he’s away. Perusing his list of Saints, he travels to Brazil, where he stumbles across Taoca, a sprightly young man with a verve for life that inspires God to rethink some of his ideas about the human race. Funny, touching, and unique.” (Yahoo! Movies) Director: Carlos Diegues.

  When Magellan prepared to sail around the world in 1519, he spent more on sherry than on weapons.

  LEADING LEDES

  The lede is the first sentence of a news story which is supposed to give the “who, what, where, when, why, and how” that will be fleshed out in the article. As these actual ledes show, sometimes you don’t have to read any further.

  Fresno police have arrested a high school student accused of stabbing her friend in what the two girls described as a friendship bonding rite.” (San Francisco Chronicle)

  • “A bank robber got as far as a nearby pawn shop before a dye pack, inserted in his wad of stolen cash, exploded in his pants, authorities said.” (Associated Press)

  • “One of Canada’s leading cinema chains has stopped handing out Christmas wrapping paper to its patrons after parents complained it featured angels fondling each other suggestively, newspapers reported on Tuesday.” (Reuters)

  • “A carpenter who keeps his clothes clean by working in the nude was arrested after a client returned home early and found him building bookcases in the buff.” (MSNBC)

  • “A woman has been admonished after she admitted feeding her estranged husband a curry containing dog excrement.” (BBC)

  • “Belgrade: A Serbian man was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend, during the city’s annual beer festival.” (GulfNews.com)

  • “Indian police forced a thief to gobble down 40 bananas in a few hours, hoping they would force him to excrete a gold necklace he had snatched and swallowed.” (Reuters, U.K.)

  • “A man faces five years in jail after being accused of assaulting a teenager with a hedgehog.” (Daily Mail)

  • “Fort Hays State University has fired its debate coach for losing his temper at a tournament, engaging in a videotaped shouting match that included pulling down his shorts to expose his underwear.” (Associated Press)

  The seeds of an Indian Lotus tree remain viable for 300 to 400 years.

  WOODSTOCK, Y’ALL

  Here’s a forgotten piece of modern music history.

  THE EVENT

  It was 1972, and the Austin, Texas, music scene, which blended country and rock ’n’ roll, was beginning to get national attention. Time and Rolling Stone had written about it, even predicting that Austin’s premiere music venue, Armadillo World Headquarters, would be as much of a mecca to country music as San Francisco’s Fillmore Auditorium had been to rock. A few ambitious concert promoters decided to take advantage of the hoopla, and organized a three-day day music event near Dripping Springs, a small town west of Austin. The idea was to promote the Austin music style…and cash in along the way.

  The lineup for the “Dripping Springs Reunion,” held that March, included country music legends Loretta Lynn, Bill Monroe, Hank Snow, Tex Ritter, Tom T. Hall, Charlie Rich, Charlie Pride, and Roy Acuff. But it also included country music’s rock-influenced “outlaws,” who were leading the Austin scene: Merle Haggard, Kris Kristofferson, Waylon Jennings, Billy Joe Shaver, and Willie Nelson. The promoters dubbed it “Country Music’s Woodstock.”

  THE RESULT

  It was a flop. Among the numerous organizing goofs: not providing enough parking spots, camping places, or Porta-Potties. Add to that the fact that the event was poorly advertised—about 200,000 people were expected, but only 60,000 showed up—and it was a financial disaster. But the Dripping Springs Reunion was a success in at least two ways: It was the first time traditional country and “outlaw” country music had been combined at such a large festival; and the appearance of the established artists helped legitimize the lesser-known artists, making the event pivotal in the development of modern country music. It was also an inspiration for Willie Nelson, who decided to hold his first annual “4th of July Picnic” at the same site a year later. Though it’s changed locations over the years, that event is still referred to by many as “Willie’s Woodstock.” And it’s still going on today, more than 30 years later.

  Thomas Jefferson first proposed the decimal currency system that we use today.

  BATHROOM FENG SHUI

  It’s been a while since we’ve written about Feng Shui, the traditional Chinese art of arranging living spaces and the objects within them. Here are some new tips on how you can apply Feng Shui principles to the most important room in your house.

  FENG SHUI 101

  Feng Shui (“wind” and “water”) refers to the natural forces that Chinese culture credits with bringing good luck, prosperity, and even good health when the life-force energy, called ch’i, is flowing properly. They’re also said to bring bad luck, poverty, and sickness when the forces are blocked, disrupted, or dissipated in a poorly designed, poorly organized home or workplace.

  Having good Feng Shui in the bathroom may seem frivolous or silly to westerners, but it’s taken quite seriously in China because so many personal health and sanitation needs are centered in the bathroom. Even if you aren’t familiar with Feng Shui (or you don’t believe in it), it can still be fun to see how your commode stacks up.

  LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

  • Your bathroom should not be visible from the front door of your home. This is thought to be bad for your health and the health of your guests as well.

  • Your bathroom shouldn’t be located at the end of a long hallway, either. This placement can cause the ch’i to flow right out of the house, almost as if it were bei
ng poured down a drainpipe instead of circulating smoothly through the rooms. Using such a bathroom, Feng Shui adherents say, is like sitting in the middle of a very swift current. And like the bathroom that can be seen from the front door, it can be harmful to your health…and even your pocketbook, since disrupting the proper flow of ch’i can cause money to flow out of your house right along with your health.

  • Wherever your bathroom is located, the toilet should never sit directly opposite the bathroom door. It should be off to one side or the other, so that it’s not the first thing you see when you look inside the bathroom.

  Lon Chaney Sr.’s spirit is said to haunt Sound Stage 28 at Universal Studios.

  MIRRORS

  If you do have a toilet that’s directly opposite the bathroom door in a bathroom down a long hallway that can be seen from the front door, take heart: You don’t have to tear down your house or move away before your bathroom bankrupts or kills you. All you need to do is put up some mirrors. Mirrors are the duct tape of the Feng Shui world: They can fix just about anything. Their reflective power is said to pull good forces into the house and break up bad or stagnant Feng Shui. They can even push bad spirits out of the house.

  • If your bathroom can be seen from the front door, simply keeping the door closed and hanging a mirror on the outside of the door is enough to fix the problem. For a bathroom at the end of a long hallway, a mobile, a wind chime, or a beaded curtain in front of the door will provide extra protection.

  • Always be careful to hang mirrors in such a way that even the tallest person in the family can see the top of their head when looking in the mirror. If the mirror can be seen from the toilet, it must be large enough and hung so that even the tallest person can see his entire head while standing near or sitting on the toilet. Any member of the household whose head is even partially cut off when they look in the mirror will suffer from frequent headaches.

  • Mirrors that break up or distort an image, such as mirrored tiles, should not be used in the bathroom, for the same reason.

  • Placing mirrors on opposite walls so that they create an “infinity” effect can cause ch’i to dissipate and should be avoided.

  PLANTS

  Plants are considered a source of ch’i and can have either a positive or a negative influence on your bathroom’s Feng Shui, depending on where they are placed. They can disrupt the flow of ch’i if they are placed in the middle of the bathroom. But when placed in a corner, they can work wonders, breaking up pockets of stagnant ch’i and causing it to circulate through the house. If you have a corner that protrudes into the bathroom, placing a plant in front of the corner will soften its edges and prevent it from damaging the ch’i of people who use the bathroom.

  For more fascinating Feng Shui facts, turn to Page 361.

  In the United States, six tubs of Cool Whip are purchased every second.

  UNAMUSED

  Amusement parks are a billion-dollar industry. The success of Disney World or Six Flags makes would-be entrepreneurs drool, but it’s not so easy to get a theme park built. Here are some theme parks that were never even constructed.

  THEME PARK: Veda Land

  BIG IDEA: Attractions based on Transcendental Meditation

  STORY: In the 1970s, illusionist Doug Henning revived the magic show as a popular form of entertainment and starred in an NBC television special called Doug Henning’s World of Magic, which was seen by 50 million viewers. Also popular in the late 1970s: Transcendental Meditation, a Hinduism-based practice that claims to bring relaxation and inner peace to its followers. Henning was an avid follower of TM and became convinced that his life’s mission was to spread the practice. So he began work on a TM-based theme park called Veda Land. Using “astonishing visual and sensory effects, state-of-the-art 3D imagery, and ultra-high-tech entertainment technology,” the park would look like an authentic Himalayan mountain village. Proposed attractions included rides based on “the deepest secrets of the universe,” a building that seemingly levitated over a lake, and a simulation of life inside a flower. After he was unable to buy land in India or near Orlando, Florida, Henning bought 700 acres near Niagara Falls, Ontario, and set about trying to raise the money he needed to build Veda Land—an astounding $1 billion. He never succeeded. When he died of cancer in 2000 at age 52, he’d been trying to get the project going for nearly 15 years.

  The Moon’s Sea of Tranquility crater is deeper than the Earth’s Mount Everest is tall.

  THEME PARK: Majestic Kingdom

  BIG IDEA: Rides centered around Michael Jackson’s hit songs

  STORY: In a move to increase tourism in 1998, the city of Detroit solicited applications for the rights to build a casino. Don Barden, owner of a local cable company, applied, but he wanted to build more than just a casino. He and his business partner, pop star Michael Jackson, wanted to build a sprawling theme park called Majestic Kingdom featuring a casino, a hotel, restaurants, nightclubs, and the Michael Jackson Thriller Theme Park. The centerpiece would be a roller coaster enclosed in a weatherproof glass bubble, allowing for year-round use. Despite promising 6,000 new jobs, the project was deemed too large and the Detroit City Council denied Barden’s casino license, ending plans for the entire operation. But Jackson didn’t give up—in 2006 he announced he was trying to raise $600 million to build a leprechaun-themed amusement park in Ireland.

  THEME PARK: Dracula Land

  BIG IDEA: Disneyland, but with vampires

  STORY: In 2001 the Romanian Ministry of Tourism proposed opening a theme park based upon Romania’s most famous historical figure: Vlad the Impaler, the murderous lord who served as the inspiration for Count Dracula. At a cost of $35 million, the park would be built in the Transylvanian village of Sighisoara, where Vlad was born in 1431. The ministry drew up plans for attractions, including underground tunnels, castles, fake caves full of live bats, a replica medieval town, a demonstration of how Vlad cut people’s heads off, an “International Dracula Center,” and a golf course. Despite the allure of 3,000 new jobs, Sighisoara fought the construction of the park. Led by a local minister, the townspeople claimed that glamorizing Vlad, who is believed to have killed more than 80,000 people, was “an attack on Christian values.”

  THEME PARK: Disney’s America

  BIG IDEA: An American history-themed amusement park

  STORY: In 1993 Disney announced plans to open Disney’s America in Haymarket, Virginia. Like other Disney parks, it would be split into different areas: Native American Village, Civil War Fort, Ellis Island, State Fair, and Family Farm. Individual attractions included a recreation of the Battle of the Monitor and the Merrimack, and a roller coaster called the Industrial Revolution. But the park’s designers had a hard time striking a balance between thrill rides and educational exhibits, and local residents argued that the park was a crass commercial endeavor that tarnished the history it claimed to celebrate. Another problem: Disney wanted to build the park on—and thereby destroy—Civil War battlefields. Bowing to the pressure, in 1994 Disney scrapped plans to build the park.

  One percent of Greenland’s entire population lives in a single apartment building named Blok P.

  STATE QUARTERS

  Have you been collecting the state quarters? Here’s what’s on the backs of all of them.

  BACKGROUND

  In 1999 the United States Mint began its nine-year plan to release 50 commemorative quarters, one for each of the states. The quarters had two purposes: to celebrate American history at the dawn of the 21st century, and to generate new interest in coin collecting. The quarters were released, one every few months, between January 1999 and fall 2008, beginning with the 13 original states, and then according to the order in which the states entered the Union. Each state decided what would go on the back of its quarter, be it a local monument, state icon, historical event, or important figure. Here’s what they chose, in order of their release.

  • Delaware. A portrait of Caesar Rodney on horseback. A delegate to the Continent
al Congress, Rodney rode 80 miles to Philadelphia in a thunderstorm (while suffering from asthma and cancer) to cast the deciding vote that made the colonies send the Declaration of Independence to England.

  • Pennsylvania. Commonwealth, the statue atop the state capitol building. Her right arm extends as a gesture of kindness and her left hand holds a ribbon to symbolize justice.

  • New Jersey. A rendering of Emmanuel Leutze’s 1851 painting Washington Crossing the Delaware. In 1776 Washington and his troops crossed that icy New Jersey river to surprise (and defeat) British troops stationed in Trenton.

  • Georgia. The live oak (the state tree) and the Georgia peach (the state fruit).

  • Connecticut. In 1687 King James II of England revoked the state’s charter. A colonist hid it for safekeeping in the hollow of a giant oak tree, now known as the Charter Oak, which adorns the coin.

  • Massachusetts. The Minuteman, a statue commemorating Revolutionary War soldiers in Minuteman National Historic Park in Concord.

  • Maryland. The dome of the Maryland State House, built in 1772 and still used by the state legislature. The United States Congress met there from 1783 to 1784.

  • South Carolina. The yellow jessamine (state flower), the palmetto (state tree), and the Carolina wren (state bird).

  • New Hampshire. The state emblem, a rock formation on Cannon Mountain called the Old Man of the Mountain. Until it collapsed in 2003, it looked like an old man’s face.

  • Virginia. The three ships—the Susan Constant, Godspeed, and Discovery—that in 1607 brought the first settlers to Jamestown, the first permanent English settlement in the New World.