Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  CHANKO VERY MUCH

  The sumo wrestler’s staple dish is a hearty, high-protein stew called chanko-nabe, or chanko for short. And just as there are few rules to sumo wrestling, there are even fewer for making chanko. The main ingredient is either meat or fish, but never both. After that, almost anything can be mixed in. The junior rikishis prepare and cook the meat, and then make the broth with chicken bones, kelp (a kind of seaweed), and dried bonito (tuna) flakes. The broth is then seasoned with miso (soybean paste), soy sauce, mirin (rice wine), garlic, ginger, or sesame oil. Once the kettles begin bubbling, they add the solid ingredients: beef, pork, chicken, shrimp and other seafood, and then various combinations of tofu, onions, carrots, daikon (a kind of white radish), cabbage, mushrooms, greens, and other vegetables.

  The senior rikishis eat first, served by the junior members. These men eat a lot of chanko—one wrestler is said to have eaten 29 pounds in a single sitting. They also consume several bowls of rice along with it, all washed down by several pints of beer. Because the senior members take all of the choice bits from the chanko, when the juniors finally get their turn to gorge, the leftovers often aren’t as tasty or nourishing, so they add rice, noodles, and eggs.

  On tournament days, the preferred chanko meat is chicken. It’s considered bad luck to ingest any meat from an animal that’s down on all fours—such as pigs or cows—which is where a sumo wrestler does not want to find himself in a match. And fish, which lack arms and legs, are even unluckier.

  Hi, Mom!

  THE DOWN SIDE

  The glory, honor, and fame—not to mention the salary—accorded a champion Japanese sumo wrestler are immense. Grand Champions may earn monthly salaries of about $25,000, plus bonuses paid six times per year based on their career performances to date. They also get prize money (roughly $90,000 for a win in the highest division) and “bout prizes” from sponsors (about $275 per sponsor). But success can come at a high price. Although sumo wrestlers have less actual fat, better reflexes, and more muscle compared to most men of equal height and weight, they face serious health problems that only get worse as they age. The average life expectancy of a Japanese man is 75; for sumo wrestlers it’s 65 or less, and many die in their mid-50s. At an average weight of 325 pounds, sumo wrestlers are also prone to the diseases and conditions associated with being overweight: adult-onset diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, arthritis, gout, and heart attacks. And their excessive alcohol consumption puts them at risk for liver diseases. Plus, most wrestlers suffer from knee and shoulder injuries. (Another problem that has cropped up in recent years: performance-enhancing drugs designed for extreme weight gain, which can put even more strain on a sumo wrestler’s heart. Recent allegations of drug abuse prompted Japan’s Sumo Association to begin a drug-testing program in 2008.)

  MEAT BOMBS AWAY

  One sumo wrestler who ate his fair share (and then some) is Konishiki Yasokichi, one of the greatest modern sumo champions. Born Saleva’a Atisano’e in Oahu, Hawaii in 1963, Konishiki is famous for two reasons: He was the first foreign-born wrestler to rise to the second-highest rank in sumo, and he was the heaviest sumo wrestler…ever. At six feet tall, Konishiki’s fighting weight maxed out at around 620 pounds. That earned him the nicknames “Meat Bomb” and “Dump Truck.”

  After Konishiki retired (in the middle of a match) in 1997 just before his 34th birthday, he set his sights on a new goal: enjoying a long, healthy retirement. So far, he’s lost 70 pounds, has undergone gastric bypass surgery, and says he feels great. Today Konishiki owns a restaurant in Tokyo. Its most popular dish: chanko-nabe. “We offer three kinds,” he says. “The one I eat is low-cal.”

  Swallowing uses 25 muscles.

  WORD ORIGINS

  Ever wonder where these words came from?

  Here are the stories behind them.

  MYSTERY

  Meaning: Something unknown or unclear

  Origin: “Words like ‘mystery’ and ‘mystify’ can sound as if they are connected with ‘misty,’ since mist can obscure clarity. But the two words are actually quite distinct in origin, with ‘mist’ being an Old English word, and ‘mystery’ ultimately deriving from the Greek mystos, which means ‘remaining silent.’” (From NTC’s Dictionary of Word Origins, by Adrian Room)

  WOMAN

  Meaning: An adult, female human

  Origin: “Woman does not derive from man. It comes from the Old English wifmann, where wif meant ‘female’ and mann referred to a person of either sex. Thus, wifmann originally equated ‘female human.’” (From Devious Derivations, by Hugh Rawson)

  GROOVY

  Meaning: Good, cool, agreeable

  Origin: “The term takes you back to the Hippie Sixties, but should actually take you even further back—to the 1930s. In France at that time, American musicians wanted to groove, slang for ‘make a record.’ The highest compliment that could be paid a musician or group was to tell them they were groovy—good enough to be recorded. The term spread to America in the 1950s; by the end of the Sixties, all kinds of things—not just music—were groovy.” (From Abracadabra to Zombie, by Don and Pam Wulffson)

  SNACK

  Meaning: A small amount of food eaten between meals

  Origin: “A snack is something grabbed in a hurry, from the Dutch snacken, meaning to snap at something, although that word was only used for dogs.” (From Word Origins, by Wilfred Funk)

  Only 1 in 6 people who commit suicide leaves a note.

  BLEACHERS

  Meaning: Where you sit to watch a sporting event

  Origin: “Often said to come from the notion that people sitting in them would be bleached by the sun. (We’ll pass over the fact that people would actually tend to get darker by sitting in the sun.) The actual reason was that the benches themselves were bleached from the sun, and were hence also called ‘bleaching boards,’ referring to the plain boards on which people sat.” (From Jesse’s Word of the Day, by Jesse Sheidlower)

  ARENA

  Meaning: An indoor stadium

  Origin: “This word is now used for a sporting, athletic area, but it derives from the Latin word arena, meaning sand. How? Sand was sprinkled in the Roman Colosseum to absorb the gladiators’ and animal blood spilt during combats.” (From Short Dictionary of Classical Word Origins, by Harry E. Wedeck)

  HARROWING

  Meaning: Deeply disturbing

  Origin: “A harrow is a farm implement—a heavy rake with many teeth, spikes, or discs, used to pulverize and smooth the soil of a plowed field to prepare it for planting. If such a contraption were ever hauled over you, you’d probably understand why harrowing is used to describe any frightening or distressing experience.” (From Once Upon a Word, by Rob Kyff)

  BLOCKBUSTER

  Meaning: A smash-hit movie

  Origin: “The term arose during World War II as Royal Air Force slang for an extremely large bomb, so powerful that it was capable of destroying an entire city block. After the war ended, blockbuster was appropriated by the advertising industry.” (From The Word Detective, by Evan Morris)

  The smackdown: 23 U.S. states still allow corporal punishment in schools.

  HONK IF YOU LOVE BUMPER STICKERS

  We keep thinking that we’ve seen every clever bumper sticker that exists, but every year readers send us new ones. Have you seen the one that says…

  I’ll rise, but I won’t shine

  I would never sell out unless I got a lot of money for it

  YOU CAN PICK YOUR NOSE AND PICK YOUR FRIENDS, BUT YOU CAN T WIPE YOUR FRIENDS ON THE COUCH

  CLEAR THE ROAD, I’M 16!

  A barrel full of monkeys would not be fun—it

  would be horrifying

  All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done

  When in doubt, mumble

  EVERYTHING I NEED TO

  KNOW I LEARNED IN PRISON

  Caution: impending doom

  ONE MORE REPO,

  AND I’L
L BE DEBT-FREE!

  I do what the bumper stickers tell me to

  LEGALLY, IT’S QUESTIONABLE,

  MORALLY, DISGUSTING.

  PERSONALLY, I LIKE IT.

  Don’t call me infantile,

  you stinkybutt poophead!

  When life gives you lemons,

  shut up and eat your lemons

  I do work for food

  Follow your dreams, except

  that one where you’re at

  school in your underwear

  Shh! I’m listening to a book

  C’mon, give me the finger

  like you mean it

  The closer you get,

  the slower I go

  Watch out! I’m late for

  Drivers’ Ed class!

  Japanese invention: the Choc-U-Lator, a calculator that looks and smells like a chocolate bar.

  IT’S IN THE CARDS

  Predicting the future using an ordinary deck of playing cards is a lot like reading your horoscope: Even if you don’t take it seriously, it’s fun to see what the cards have to say.

  DEALER’S CHOICE

  Playing cards date back more than 800 years, and it’s a safe bet that people have been using them to tell fortunes for almost as long. Because of this, there are more techniques than there are cards in the deck, but here’s a pretty good one.

  • Prepare the Deck. Take an old deck of 52 cards that you don’t mind marking up. Mark the bottom of each card with a pen so you can tell whether it’s right-side up or upside down when you deal it. Upside-down cards can mean the opposite of what they’d mean if they were right-side up, and in some circumstances they can modify or negate the meaning of cards that are nearby.

  Next, discard every deuce, three, four, five, six, and both jokers from the deck. You won’t use any of these to tell fortunes; you’ll use just the cards with a value of seven or above and the aces.

  • Deal the Cards. Shuffle the deck thoroughly. The person whose future is being told should cut the cards with their left hand (it’s closer to their heart). But before they put the two cut sections back together, remove the top card from the bottom pile and the bottom card from the top pile and set them aside. These are the “surprise” cards. Now deal the cards face down into three piles of ten cards each. From left to right, the piles will represent the past, the present, and the future.

  Dividing the cards this way may shed light on the accuracy of a particular fortune-telling session: If the Past pile does a good job of describing the subject’s past, the Present and Future piles may be just as accurate. If the Past pile describes a past that is nothing like the real thing, you may want to re-shuffle and try again.

  • What About the Surprise Pile? Does it refer to a surprise that will occur in the present, or in the future? We’re not telling (that’s part of the surprise).

  Hot Christmas toy of 2002 in England: A talking Ozzy Osbourne teddy bear that said, “I’m the prince of f***ing darkness!”

  COUNTING CARDS

  Individual cards, combinations of cards, and whether the cards are right-side up or upside down will all affect how a fortune is read. Here’s a look at individual cards, by suit.

  HEARTS

  Heart cards have a special connection to love and marriage. They can also refer to family, workplace, or social relationships.

  7 – Serenity and contentedness. When the card is upside down, it can mean boredom or weariness brought on by eating too much or by some other form of overconsumption.

  8 – Thoughts or dreams of marriage. They could be the subject’s thoughts or those of someone close to them. The card could also represent the affections of a fair-haired or fair-complected person who is, was, or someday will be a part of the subject’s life, depending on which pile it’s in.

  9 – This is the wish card. It could refer to one of the subject’s wishes, or a wish that someone has for them. The card can also represent good luck. When upside down, it can mean a sadness or sorrow that is short in duration.

  10 – Can mean happiness or success. Under certain circumstances, it can cancel out the effect of nearby negative cards. Upside down: a worry that passes quickly.

  Jack – Symbolizes a carefree, pleasure-seeking bachelor. Upside down: a lover in the military, law enforcement, or a similar profession who harbors a grievance or carries a grudge.

  Queen – A fair-haired woman. (No word on whether dyed hair counts as the real thing.) Upside down: an unhappy relationship or love affair with this same woman.

  King – A fair-haired man who is generous in nature. Upside down: the fair-haired man is disappointing in some way.

  Ace – A love letter or good news of some kind. Upside down: a visit from a friend.

  DIAMONDS

  Diamond cards can refer to relationships or financial matters. They can be positive or negative.

  7 – Cynicism or unfriendly teasing. Upside down: dishonesty or slander.

  8 – Love. Upside down: unrequited love.

  9 – Frustration, or barriers in the subject’s path. Upside down: domestic discord or lovers’ quarrels.

  10 – Traveling or eviction. Upside down: Bad luck on a trip.

  Jack – A subordinate or official of some kind who cannot be trusted. Upside down: a troublemaker.

  Queen – A low-class, fair-haired woman who is prone to gossip. Upside down: A flirtatious and hostile woman.

  King – A blond or gray-haired man, or a soldier in uniform. Upside down: a schemer.

  Ace – Good news of some kind, perhaps in the form of a letter or a proposal of marriage. Upside down: Bad news.

  CLUBS

  Clubs are the luckiest cards of all. They can mean anything from material wealth to successful ventures to a happy home life.

  7 – Small monetary gains. Upside down: small money troubles.

  8 – The love of a dark-complected man or woman. Happiness results when the love is returned in kind. Upside down: love and affection from someone who’s far more trouble than they’re worth.

  9 – Money inherited unexpectedly. Upside down: The receipt of a small gift.

  10 – Luxury and wealth. Upside down: A voyage over an ocean, either by ship or plane.

  Jack – A hardworking, passionate, intelligent, funny young man. Upside down: A flighty, fickle, and irresponsible young man.

  Queen – An affectionate and passionate dark-complected woman who bears the subject no ill will. Upside down: The same woman, but very jealous.

  King – A dark-complected man who is honest and a good friend. Upside down: Good intentions that do not achieve the desired results.

  Ace – Letters or e-mails involving money, good luck, or some other

  pleasing topic. Upside down: Annoying letters, e-mails, or some other form of correspondence.

  In 2006 Dublin’s River Liffey hosted the world’s largest rubber-duck race, with 150,000 ducks.

  SPADES

  Who said life was fair? Spade cards, as one fortune-teller puts it, “forebode evil.” They can refer to sickness, death, social and familial isolation, and all manner of worries and fears, big and small.

  7 – Run-of-the-mill worries or problems. Upside down: foolish ideas about existing relationships or ones the subject is trying to start.

  8 – Illness. Upside down: an engagement that is broken or a proposal that is turned down.

  9 – A bad omen, possibly involving a failure or even death. Upside down: the death of a loved one.

  10 – Sadness or loss of some kind of freedom. Upside down: a trouble or sickness that will pass in due course.

  Jack – A student, perhaps of law or medicine, who lacks social graces and has poor manners. Upside down: a treacherous person who is scheming against the subject.

  Queen – A widow or a dark-complected woman. Upside down: a woman who dislikes the subject and looks for a way to get back at them.

  King – A widower, a lawyer, or a widower who practices law. Whoever he is, he makes a poor friend and a danger
ous enemy. Upside down: a wish to do evil against others but lacking either the will or the ability.

  Ace – Happiness. Upside down: news of a death or some other event that brings great sadness.

  …BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

  That’s how individual cards stack up, but if you think that’s all there is to fortune-telling with playing cards, you’re not playing with a full deck. What happens when you have two or three kings side by side? Or when the jack, queen, king and ace of spades or one of the other suits are lined up in a row? The answers to these and other mysteries are on page 494.

  Medieval Thailand had movable-type printing presses. The type was made from baked ox dung.

  OOPS!

  Everyone enjoys reading about someone else’s blunders. So go ahead and feel superior for a few moments.

  STRADICIDE

  In 2008, 26-year-old virtuoso violinist David Garrett had just concluded a concert at the Barbican Centre in London. Nearly as famous as the violinist (who is also a male model and has been compared to David Beckham) is his violin: a 290-year-old Stradivarius valued at millions of dollars. Making his way off of the stage, Garrett slipped. “People said it was as if I’d stepped right on a banana peel,” he recalled. “I fell down a flight of steps and on to the case. When I opened it, the violin was in pieces. I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t get up. I didn’t even know if I was hurt…and I didn’t care.” (While the instrument was being repaired, Garrett was loaned another Stradivarius on which to perform. A three-man security team followed him closely at his concerts to make sure he didn’t drop that violin.)