Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  AVAST, YE SCURVY SEA DOG

  The first signs of scurvy were swollen gums, loss of teeth, skin blotches, and lethargy. The gum problems made it hard to eat the tough biscuit and salt meat, so men with scurvy ate less and less and began to starve. Medical science was primitive, so no one even knew exactly what caused the illness. Scientists deduced that food might have something to do with it, but greed and ignorance prevented the shipowners and naval authorities from acting even on what little they knew. They refused to provision the ships with citrus fruits, green vegetables, or even the ginger that the Chinese took aboard ship as early as the 5th century. Some officials thought that less salt would fix the problem, others that more pickles, cider, or sauerkraut would do the trick.

  In 1753 Dr. James Lind published his Treatise of the Scurvy, in which he proved by a controlled experiment (one of the first in the diet world) that lemons and oranges were an effective cure—without actually understanding the existence of vitamin C (it wasn’t discovered until 1912). By the end of the 18th century, when more seamen were dying of scurvy than in warfare, the British Navy finally accepted Lind’s thesis and made lemon juice a compulsory daily issue to all sailors. The lemon juice was mixed into the grog ration and, like magic, scurvy disappeared from the navy.

  END OF AN ERA

  In the mid-19th century, steam power began to replace wind power. A sail-powered Atlantic crossing could take from one to three months; on a steamship it might take as little as seven days. With shorter voyages, food didn’t have to last as long, so the sailors’ diet of ship’s biscuit and salt meat could be more varied. Shorter trips also meant putting into port more often, so dwindling provisions could be replenished with fresh food. Today, even pleasure sailboats have refrigerators, cruise ships are floating feasts, and the United States Navy takes its menus so seriously that it recruits “mess management specialists” and presents annual awards for food service excellence.

  “Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”—Fran Lebowitz

  MANEUVER-ABILITY

  Dr. Henry Heimlich stole the show in 1974 with his famous “abdominal thrust” lifesaving technique, but that’s not the only “maneuver” out there. Here are a few you may not have heard of.

  THE SELLICK MANEUVER

  This is used daily by doctors all over the world, primarily during intubation—the insertion of a breathing tube down the throat. It involves applying the correct amount of pressure to the outside of the throat at the cricoid cartilage, a ring-shaped piece of cartilage that circles the trachea. Done properly (only by trained professionals), it closes off the esophagus but doesn’t close off the airway, allowing a tube—whether for oxygen, for anesthesia, or for other purposes—to be safely inserted. The tube also prevents the patient from, to put it plainly, choking on their own vomit. The insertion technique is named after British anesthesiologist Dr. Brian Sellick, who described it in 1961, although it was actually first written about in 1774 by celebrated Scottish anatomist and doctor Alexander Monro, who recommended it for helping resuscitate drowning victims. When Sellick died in 1996, his obituary said the maneuver “has probably saved more lives and reduced pulmonary morbidity worldwide more than any other advance in anaesthetic management.”

  THE VALSALVA MANEUVER

  You’ve probably done this one yourself. Hold your nose and close your mouth, and then try to forcefully exhale. Hear your ears pop? That’s the Valsalva maneuver. It’s used to equalize the air pressure in the enclosed middle ears with air pressure outside in the atmosphere. Here’s how it works: The eustachian tubes are slender tubes that run from the middle ears to the back of the throat, where they are normally closed. When pressure outside your ears decreases, as when you’re in a rising airplane, the higher pressure inside the ears causes the ear drum to bulge out. When air pressure outside increases, as when diving in water, the opposite occurs, pushing the ear drums inward. Both can damage the ear drums. The Valsalva maneuver forces the openings to the eustachian tubes in the throat to open, allowing air to escape or pass into the middle ears, equalizing the pressure with the outside. (The same thing often happens when you yawn or chew gum.) The maneuver is named for Italian physician Antonio Maria Valsalva, who first described it in 1704. It had been used by humans long before that, but Valsalva was the first to explain it medically. (Valsalva is also known as the person who named the eustachian tubes, after 16th century Italian doctor Bartolommeo Eustachio.)

  They made him an offer he could refuse: Al Pacino turned down the role of Han Solo.

  THE GASKIN MANEUVER

  This is used by obstetricians and midwives when a rare but very serious birthing event known as shoulder dystocia occurs. That’s when a baby’s head makes it out—but the shoulders don’t. A bit of birthing background: In a normal birth the baby’s head and body are “born” individually, each during its own contraction. The head comes out first (face down about 90% of the time), with the shoulders lying horizontally or in line with the pelvis. Between contractions, the baby rotates 90° to a vertical, or side-facing, position, now with one shoulder behind the pubic bone and one behind the coccyx (tailbone). In shoulder dystocia, the top (or anterior) shoulder gets stuck behind the mother’s pubic bone. It can be dangerous for the mother and very dangerous for the baby, and it must therefore be dealt with quickly. A common first technique is the “McRoberts leg-lift maneuver,” in which the mother, on her back, simply lifts her knees to her chest. If that doesn’t free the shoulder then the Gaskin maneuver is often tried. In this “all-fours” maneuver, the mother rolls over, gets on her hands and knees, and arches her back, allowing gravity to help the baby’s shoulder pass. Simple as it sounds, it has proven to be very effective. It was named after American midwife Ina May Gaskin, and is described as “the first obstetrical maneuver to be named after a midwife.” Gaskin learned the technique in the 1970s from a Guatemalan midwife, who had learned it from Mayan women, who have apparently been using it for centuries. It has gained popularity since Gaskin started teaching it in 1976, and is now used increasingly by midwives and obstetricians in clinics around the world.

  “Let him who would move the world first move himself.”—Socrates

  The food eaten by the average American in a lifetime is equal to the weight of six adult elephants.

  THE BOOB TUBE

  Great art or a waste of time? There are as many opinions as there are channels.

  “Television is the first truly democratic culture, available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.”

  —Clive Barnes

  “I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.”

  —Red Skelton

  “There was a point where I felt like, ‘Golly, you work so hard, try so hard and the people say they want meaningful television and then Jerry Springer ends up beating you.’”

  —Oprah Winfrey

  “Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn’t have in your home.”

  —David Frost

  “Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the air-waves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.”

  —Dave Barry

  “Television is teaching you whether you want it to or not.”

  —Jim Henson

  “Anyone who’s afraid of what TV does to the world is probably just afraid of the world.”

  —Clive James

  “Television is America’s jester. It has assumed the guise of an idiot while actually accruing power and authority behind the smoke screen of its self-degradation.”

  —Lawrence Mintz

  “Television is the bland leading the bland.”

  —Murray Schumach

  “Television is the literature of the illiterate, the culture of the lowbrow, the wealth of the poor, the privilege of the underprivileged, the exclusive club of the
excluded masses.”

  —Lee Loevinger

  “One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.”

  —Kurt Vonnegut

  The largest great white shark ever caught was 37 feet long and weighed 24,000 pounds.

  HOW TO HAVE

  A YARD SALE

  BRI member Viola Rose is our resident yard sale expert. She has them once a year or so, and she always makes a ton of money. So we asked her to share her secrets with us. (And then she bargained on the price.)

  AWORD TO THE WISE

  Putting on your own yard sale is fun and easy, and the money that rolls in adds up surprisingly—and delightfully—fast. It’s amazing how much dough you can rake in for your unwanted doo-dads, what-nots, and junk. Making your sale sail smoothly is all in the prep work. Here’s the lowdown:

  1. The Round-up. First, gather up everything you want to sell. Scour your house, yard, and garage, and then ask your friends or anyone else who might willing to donate their junk to your cause. Have everything ready a day ahead of time; it’s best to have it all displayed at the beginning of the sale instead of adding stuff later in the day or weekend.

  2. Location. Weather permitting, an outside sale that’s visible from the road will always attract more shoppers, but a backyard or indoor sale can do just fine if you mark it with big, outrageous signs.

  3. Setup. Give yourself at least two hours to get your sale ready before starting time. Prepare the night before if possible because people always (repeat: always) come early. Even if you write “no early birds” in your newspaper ad, they will still come. So it’s much less frustrating (and more exciting) if you’re ready to go early and can just sit back and rake in the cash. Keep in mind that in the first three hours of the sale, you’ll get 75 percent of your customers.

  To display your items, tables are better than tarps or blankets on the ground. But use whatever you’ve got. If you don’t have enough tables, then make sure your stuff is well spread out on the ground and arranged nicely. Don’t put items in boxes; most people don’t like to dig through boxes or piles and will just pass it by thinking it’s junk. Also, a “big spread” with objects in view will make your yard sale look large and enticing from the road.

  In Italy, the number 17 is considered unlucky.

  Now, here’s the ultimate yard sale question: To Price or Not to Price? Answer: It’s a waste of time to go around putting teensy little price stickers on every single thing. Price items over $5.00 and then have different priced tables or areas that say $2.00, 50 cents, etc. You can also make up a price in the moment when someone asks how much something is—it’s fun to do, and you can keep making up a new price until someone buys it.

  4. Advertising. There are two crucial parts to advertising your sale. If you’re going to put all this effort into actually having a yard sale, you want it to be worth your time, so always use both.

  • Place an ad in the local paper. It is definitely worth the cost. Your ad should run the day before your sale. Obsessive, gung-ho yard salers (like Uncle John) get the paper and actually plan out a route to make sure they hit all the sales. Be sure to include the address, date, time, and a few enticing items, but leave out your phone number. Don’t use the words “huge,” “mega” or “gigantic” unless it actually is, as this makes people feel swindled when they see it isn’t. Here’s another tip: Try to coerce your neighbors or friends to have a sale at the same time. Then you can advertise “multi-family sale” and share the ad cost. The friendly newspaper classifieds telephone operator will help you make sure your ad looks good and includes all the key ingredients. You might also want to put up a sign at your neighborhood supermarket or advertise on a free online posting site, but you don’t need to spend money on any advertising other than in your local newspaper—that’s the key.

  • The other part of advertising is signage. If they can’t find you, they will not come…or they’ll give up if the signs leading to your sale are unclear or confusing. You can get in trouble for posting signs on telephone poles and street signs—it’s actually against the law in most places. One sure-fire method: Make signs out of big cardboard boxes. Put heavy rocks inside the boxes and then tape them closed. Stand the boxes up and write your yard sale info on both sides of them. Then place them at pertinent street corners leading to your sale. Also put one that says SALE HERE on top of a parked car right outside of your sale. Your signs should state the date, time, street address of your sale, and of course, the ever-important arrow pointing the way. Do not busy up the signs with extra info—it makes it hard for drivers to read them. Use simple big, bold, readable letters; this is not the place to be artsy. If you really want to embellish, get some helium balloons and attach them to the signs. That’ll get people’s attention—no one can resist balloons.

  Some medieval knights put sharkskin on their sword handles to give them a more secure grip.

  Other options: Ask a neighbor at the corner if you can put a sign in their yard. Or recruit your (or someone else’s) 10-year-old to dress in a banana costume and stand at the corner, waving a big yard sale sign. This is also effective for drawing in crowds.

  5. Be Prepared.

  • Get change. This is essential. Go to a bank and get $30 in five-dollar bills and $20 in ones.

  • Have a good supply of paper or plastic bags, and newspaper for wrapping glass items.

  • Find an apron, hip sack, or over-the-shoulder purse with several pockets you can use for making change and keeping the fast-flying funds organized.

  • Make food in advance—there may not be time to make anything to eat once your sale starts.

  6. Sale Day. Depending on how much prep you did, you may just need to get up on time and then go put up the street signs that are already in your car. Or maybe you’ll be up at 5:30 a.m., scurrying around in the dark. Either way, now it’s time to have some fun.

  • Bring out a CD player (be sure to put “Not for Sale” on it) and crank up the tunes. (For some reason, disco is always a big hit.)

  • Invite the kids next door to put up a lemonade stand, or sell veggies from their garden. And any money they make they’ll probably spend at your sale.

  • Invite anyone and everyone to your sale. Once the neighbors realize you’re having a sale, they might ask if they can bring over a few things and join in. The more, the merrier; that way you can cover each other for bathroom breaks and kitchen runs. Plus, you’ll all buy each other’s stuff.

  • Make it a potluck, or throw in a bake sale.

  • Give something away to every tenth customer as a booby prize. If folks are having fun, they will stay and find more treasures they can’t live without and your day will fly by.

  At the end of the day, count up your cash and BE AMAZED!

  The three most popular condiments in German restaurants: mustard, horseradish, and applesauce.

  ROLL THE DICE

  The next time you find yourself rolling a pair of dice, know that you’re tapping into something primordial—keeping alive an ancient tradition that began long before recorded history.

  DEM BONES

  Archaeologists can’t pinpoint the first humans who threw dice, but they do know this: Unlike many customs that started in one place and then spread, dice-throwing appeared independently all across the populated world. The oldest known dice—dating back at least 8,000 years—consisted of found objects such as fruit pits, pebbles, and seashells. But the direct precursors of modern dice were bones: the ankle bones of hoofed animals, such as sheep and oxen. These bones—later called astragali by the Greeks—were chosen because they’re roughly cube-shaped, with two rounded sides that couldn’t be landed on, and four flat ones that could. Which side would be facing up after a toss, or a series of tosses, was as much of a gamble to our ancestors as it is to us today.

  The first dice throwers weren’t gamers, though—they were religious shamans who used astragali (as
well as sticks, rocks, and even animal entrails) for divination, the practice of telling the future by interpreting signs from the gods. How did these early dice make their way from the shaman to the layman? According to David Schwartz in Roll the Bones: The History of Gambling:

  The line between divination and gambling is blurred. One hunter, for example, might say to another, “If the bones land short side up, we will search for game to the south; if not, we look north,” thus using the astragali to plumb the future. But after the hunt, the hunters might cast bones to determine who would go home with the most desirable cuts.

  SQUARING OFF

  And with that, gambling—and dice gaming—was born, leading to the next big step in dice evolution. Around 7,000 years ago, ancient Mesopotamians carved down the rounded sides of the astragali to make them even more cube-like. Now they could land on one of six sides, allowing the outcome to become more complex. As their technology advanced, materials such as ivory, wood, and whalebone were used to make dice. It is believed that the shamans were the first ones to put marks on the sides of the dice, but it didn’t take long for them to roll into the rest of society. Dice first appeared in board games in Ur, a city in southern Mesopotamia. Now referred to as the “Royal Game of Ur,” this early version of backgammon (circa 3000 B.C.) used four-sided, pyramidal dice.

  In 2004 Americans gambled and lost—via lotteries, casinos, and sports betting—$78 billion.

  However, the most common dice, then and now, are six-sided cubic hexahedrons with little dots, or pips, to denote their values. The pip pattern still in use today—one opposite six, two opposite five, and four opposite three—first appeared in Mesopotamia circa 1300 B.C., centuries before the introduction of Arabic numerals.