Look Both Ways

by Joan Early

  She stroked his face until a nurse came in to check his vitals. Susan walked out and found Angie crumpled in an embarrassed heap in the corner of the room.

  “I’m sure you think I’m nuts. I could tell you were about to faint, and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t even know where those words came from.”

  “The words came from God.” Mrs. Cartwright put her arm around Angie’s shoulders. “I believe everything you said will happen. My son will walk out of here and he will stand waiting to take Susan’s hand in marriage, just as you said.”

  Mrs. Cartwright’s brother came over, his arms outstretched. “Miss Cross, I’m glad you came back. Willie is gonna wake up and talk to his Uncle Chitty again, and he’ll marry you just like that lady said.” He leaned close to her ear. “And if he don’t, I will.”

  “It’s nice to see you again, Uncle Chitty. I hope and pray you’re right, and that it happens very soon.” She smiled and then caught a glimpse of Terri and Jean sipping coffee by the window on the other side of the waiting room. Terri smiled when their eyes met, but Jean glowered with anger. Susan left Mrs. Cartwright and Angie deep in wedding-plan conversation and headed back to say good-bye to Will, but Jean cut her off in the hallway.

  “Well, Miss Cross, I see you made the best of your visit. Such dramatics,” she said scornfully.

  “I’ve had enough now,” Susan said, turning sharply. “I understand your feelings for Will, but is there more to this? You don’t know me. I’ve never done anything to you, but I detect pure hatred in your voice. We were both hurting when we said good-bye, but there was no animosity between us, so why do I feel so much from you?”

  “I’m not concerned about Will’s future if he regains his health, but what happens if that handsome face you fell in love with turns out to be the slack-jawed drooling one in there now? Don’t tell me you’ll love and want to marry him then. You’ll destroy him, Miss Cross. I can see—”

  “Eugenia!” Mrs. Cartwright yelled. “What is wrong with you?”

  “Now you hold on a minute.” Angie pushed past Mrs. Cartwright and stood between Jean and Susan. “You have no right talking to Susan that way. She almost lost her job over that Cedargrove mess and, whether your brother was involved or not, she had every right to be upset. She paid a hefty price. Your brother wasn’t the only one hurt, and Susan wasn’t just thinking of herself when she broke up with him. Susan is the least selfish person I know, and you’re way out of line here, sister. She’s too polite to strike back, but I’m not. If you love your brother the way you say, you’d know that she loves him, too.”

  Jean moved away, but Angie continued.

  “Susan is a woman—make that a black woman—in a white man’s world. She’s more intelligent and qualified than most of them, but she’s the one always having to prove herself. I know. I was on that same stage, but Susan made my life better. She even went to bat for the people in Cedargrove against staggering odds. She got Sealand to waive fees that have already mounted to over well over sixty thousand dollars. She’s unselfish, caring, and the best friend I’ve ever had.”

  “Jean, please don’t let me hear you refer to your brother that way again.” Mrs. Cartwright’s eyes were filled with tears. “Will is going to recover.”

  Susan placed her hand on Mrs. Cartwright’s arm.

  “I shouldn’t have come here today. None of us need this extra stress right now.” She grabbed Angie’s arm and fled.

  “I can’t believe her. She must be a lot older than she looks to be so hateful. I guess that was her broom I stumbled over in the hallway.” Angie’s voice carried across the corridor. “His parents want you to stay, and that should be enough.”

  “It’s okay, Angie. As much as I love Will, it doesn’t seem that our relationship is meant to be. I pray to God he awakens, but I don’t think the wedding you described will ever take place. Not if I have to deal with this.”

  * * *

  Susan kept busy preparing operation manuals for the new production manager. She and Angie incorporated all available lending regulations into very detailed guidelines for each area of production, including Angie’s new position as quality control manager.

  Susan accepted dinner invitations from both Deeds and Perry. She was comfortable with her stand-alone position. No man was required.

  Marc called several times to see if she was okay and to check on Will’s condition. She mentioned the holiday functions she was expected to attend and the fact that she dreaded going alone, mostly because she did not know a lot of people on the Houston social scene. He offered to accompany her as a friend, and she accepted.

  A Board of Directors’ formal dinner party was the first event. Thanks to Angie, Susan had found a wonderful salon that tended to all her grooming needs. She spent the afternoon at Fountain of Youth getting a facial, massage, manicure, and pedicure, as well as a shampoo and style for her short, easy-to-manage hair. Her holiday outfits were not exactly suited for Houston’s weather, and she was relieved when the sixty-seven degree daytime high dropped to tolerable mid-forties before the event. She wore a red suit with rhinestone trim on the plunging neckline and cap sleeves. The skirt stopped just above her sparkly designer shoes and had deep slits on both sides.

  Marc’s eyes widened when she opened the door.

  “You look wonderful in red. Of course, I’ve never seen you wear anything that didn’t look wonderful on you.”

  “Thank you.” Thinking of the Travis debacle, she cautioned; “You’re a good friend and you volunteered for this, but I would never want to hurt you and right now, I’m still too wound up in the past to look ahead.”

  “I understand. I offered to escort you as a friend. I expect nothing in return but friendship,” he said, his lips parting in a wide smile. “Of course, when two people are thrown together, things sometimes happen, so if you find yourself needing more than a friend, hey, I’m your man.”

  She felt comfortable, and Marc knew many of the other guests. They mingled during the reception and Marc engaged another attorney in deep conversation during dinner, but he remained attentive to Susan. When they returned to her apartment, he kissed her cheek and prepared to leave.

  “The holidays are here, Susan. I know you’re concerned about Will, but you can’t go on this way. I am your friend and I wish you’d allow me to try and put a smile back on that beautiful face.”

  She thanked him and sincerely considered his offer. Will was out of her life. She would never forget him and what they had shared, but knew she had to try to love again.

  “You’re great company and I did enjoy myself. I’m getting better, but I don’t want my dark mood to spoil your holidays.”

  “My holidays have been brightened by your company, and I’ll gladly be your escort should the need arise again.”

  Perry gave a party at his home and Susan attended alone, as Marc was out of town. By simple elimination, she was paired with Travis. The two of them talked as they had when she first arrived in Houston, but her protective wall kept the conversation neutral. Her mind was now clear. If Will was permanently removed from her life, she would have to open the channels of her heart to other possibilities. She still prayed faithfully and refused to stop hoping for his survival.

  Mrs. Whitehead still called with updates and Mrs. Cartwright called several times, the last to issue an invitation to visit Will, which Susan quickly declined.

  “Mrs. Cartwright, as painful as it is to see Will in that condition, I would be there every second of the day if I wasn’t aware of the discord my presence brings to your family. I’m trying to understand your daughter’s anger, but I can’t tolerate it. If Will…when Will awakens, if he wants to see me, I’ll be there. If Jean is right and he doesn’t, my heart will break again.”

  “Honey, Will loves you. There’s no question in my mind about that. I can’t control my daughter. Jean has a mind of her own, and right now she’s going through some personal pain that makes her even more mistrustful. I know you love Willie
and I know he loves you. I wish you would come to visit him, but I understand your feelings.”

  Susan wanted to disagree. They did not understand her feelings, and for the most part, neither did she. In a short time, Willard Cartwright had taken over her heart.

  She tried to get into the holiday spirit, but nothing could penetrate her agony.

  She accepted a lunch invitation from Perry and unintentionally blurted out her feelings. “I’m sorry, Perry. I didn’t plan to drop this on you. I guess you’re now the big brother I’ve always relied on. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “I don’t mind at all. I’m flattered that you feel close enough to trust me with your feelings. Unfortunately, ugliness tends to erupt during illness or death. Cheer up. I have to side with Angie. I do believe Rev. Cartwright will recover, and I believe the two of you will be together. On a brighter note, Angie is a very capable employee and very witty. I enjoy our conversations.”

  She loved him for being there and felt thankful for the others who offered comfort.

  * * *

  Her heart lurched when Laura interrupted the Monday staff meeting with an urgent call from Mrs. Whitehead.

  “Miss Cross, his eyes are open, but he’s not focusing. I think the doctors are giving up. Please come with me to see him. I think it would make a difference. You can’t let Jean’s doubts interfere. Willie loves you, Miss Cross. I know he does.”

  “I believe he loves me, and I know I love him. Please tell Mrs. Cartwright that I’ve not stopped praying or believing, but I think it’s best that I stay away.”

  During a conversation with her mother, Susan opened her soul. “I don’t know what to do. Every time I close my eyes, I see his face before me, laughing and happy. Then the scene shifts to that hospital bed.”

  “I know how independent you are, but you should not have to go through this alone, especially when you have family who loves you and wants to be with you. Let me come and stay with you until this crisis passes.”

  “Thanks, but no one knows how long that could take. With the holidays approaching, I know you’re busy. Besides, there’s nothing you can do but grieve just as I’m doing.”

  On Wednesday she was immersed in final drafts of her manuals when Ann came to the door. “Excuse me, Miss Cross. There’s a Mrs. Oliver here to see you.”

  “My next appointment isn’t until two. What is this regarding?”

  “She only said it was personal.”

  Susan closed the binder and placed the papers on the end of her desk. “Okay, show her in, please.”

  Not knowing what to expect, she walked over to the credenza for the coffee carafe; when she turned, Jean was standing inside the door. She hadn’t known Jean’s last name, and was disconcerted by her sudden appearance.

  “Good morning, Miss Cross. Thank you for seeing me. I didn’t call first because I didn’t want to give you the opportunity to say no.”

  “I wouldn’t have said no. Please come in and have a seat. I take it Will’s condition has…” Her legs weakened and she grabbed the edge of the desk for support.

  “He’s basically still the same. The doctors called us in this morning and asked about our long-term plans for Willie’s care. We agreed to look into nursing homes in the area, but my mother acted in accordance with Willie’s wishes and asked that they not resuscitate if his heart…” Tears fell onto her blouse. “A nurse came in and placed a red DNR on his chart. Nothing has ever hurt me this way.”

  “I’m so sorry.” Remembering from her night at the hospital that Jean took black coffee, she poured a cup and placed it next to the trembling hand resting on her desk.

  “It was easy to pretend he was sleeping when his eyes were closed, but now…” She stifled a sob. “He stares like a blind person, looking right through you. I believe this will kill my father. He’s taking it harder than anyone.”

  Susan had listened to her talk, waiting for the part explaining why she was there. Finally, she asked, “Is there anything I can do?”

  “My mother and father feel that you can get through to him, and everyone is angry with me for keeping you away.” She spread her hands and bowed her head. “I don’t know anymore. I’m so worried about my brother that I’ll do anything to help him. I’ll understand if you don’t want to do me any favors, but if you love him, please go to the hospital for him. Willie doesn’t deserve this. He’s not a minister simply because of our father. His Christianity comes from the heart. He lives what he preaches.”

  Susan felt torn in many directions. “I stopped coming to the hospital because I love him too much to take a chance on your being right.” She fought back a rage of tears. “I think your feelings are irrational, but I understand you were only doing what you felt was best. I have two brothers. The younger is the baby of the family and, I, along with my parents, spoiled him rotten. I would try in every way imaginable to protect him.”

  “It’s not always easy being a preacher’s kid, living by the turn-the-other-cheek rule. I watched both of my parents endure untold heartache, and they never stopped dishing love on the ones who wronged them. I’ve seen the same thing with my brother. That was certainly the case when Rev. Otis called the newspapers behind Willie’s back. Right now I’m living in a marriage with a man who cheated on me with my best friend—in my bed with our children asleep upstairs. I can’t stand the sight of him, and I want a divorce. He has begged for forgiveness, and my father has asked that I try and mend our marriage. I can’t. The harder I try, the more contempt I feel.”

  Susan straightened in her chair. “I’m very sorry for your troubles. I’m sure you respect your father’s teachings, but it seems unusually cruel to have to live that way.”

  “It’s degrading. I respect my father’s advice, so I’m being the dutiful daughter, wife, and mother. I guess you could say I’m a little bitter right now, Miss Cross. When I learned what happened with Cedargrove and how Willie was hurt, I saw this as just another example of what happens to those trying to do the right thing. Will would do anything to help the people in that neighborhood, and not because he’s a minister—because he’s a good man.”

  Susan stood and paced, searching for the right words.

  “I love your brother, Jean. In the short time we were together I was happier and more fulfilled than I thought possible, but I’ve always tried to maintain control of my life. I set boundaries, I take precautions, and I avoid leaving controllable things to chance. With Willie, I saw that control slipping away, and I was frightened. I wasn’t sure I was cut out to be a preacher’s wife, and I didn’t want to suffer or cause him to suffer while we were finding out.”

  She poured a glass of water, returned to her chair, and passed a box of tissues to Jean. “My doubts made me believe it best for all concerned to abandon a relationship that had come to mean everything to me. I know that if Willie doesn’t recover, I’ll always wonder.”

  “I was the last one to know about your relationship with Willie. I didn’t see the happiness that everyone else witnessed. I also didn’t realize that you could have lost your job over what Clyde Otis did. Willie praised you for being a strong woman. I suppose being strong doesn’t mean indifferent or uncaring. You just handle your pain differently.”

  “We all have a story, a reason for being the way we are. I try hard to get beyond the pain of my past, including a marriage that I expected to last forever. When it didn’t, I was devastated, but I knew my life had to continue, and I certainly didn’t want to burden my family.”

  “Do you mind my asking what happened to end your marriage?”

  “No, I don’t mind. We were both young, but I felt all of the love and respect that one can feel at that age. I made a lot of career advances, my husband’s confidence began to sink, and he blamed me.”

  Jean dried her eyes and sat attentively.

  “The tension escalated and became physical. Needless to say, our marriage ended after that. I’ve run those things through my mind a million times, wondering what I could have
done differently. I knew that any man who entered my life had to be strong and self-assured.”

  She smiled. “I transferred here from Ohio, and on my first day here at Sealand, I looked up and saw a man who literally took my breath away. Willard Cartwright Jr. swaggered through that door and my heart stood still. He was insulting enough to make me want to slap him and fascinating enough to shake my calm. I was only half angry with him. The other half was my realization that I had allowed a man to get under my skin and into my heart enough to shake my resolve. I was almost afraid to love him, but I couldn’t deny the attraction.”

  Jean smiled. “From what I’ve heard, I don’t see you being afraid of anything.”

  “I was afraid, and plenty confused. By the time we finished our insults and met on neutral territory, I knew the feelings I had were real and that my life would never be the same. I had several reservations about his profession, starting with having to carefully choose the things we talked about. I didn’t know his position on…having a glass of wine, or sex. Woman to woman, I’ve never wanted a man one-tenth as much as I wanted him, but when we first spent time together socially, I found that just holding his hand, sitting next to him, watching him take the podium at that convention brought something magical into my life.”

  She paused to refill Jean’s cup and then continued. “I returned from Atlanta and found that story, and in its aftermath, I exposed a few people at work who wanted to make me the scapegoat for something I knew nothing about. In the end it was not just a matter of believing Willie. What I saw in the future was frightening. Willie is a minister with a large congregation. He’s a man of the people, because—as you said—he cares. There are a lot of people depending on him, and I can handle that. I don’t need constant attention. I understand his commitment and the duties of his profession. What I can’t handle is having those people rumble through our lives.”