She blew a kiss my way, causing me to pat her favorite place on my chest. With effort, I tore my gaze from hers so that I could belt out the heartfelt lyrics. Still, my eyes returned to hers several times during the song.
Riding the wave of energy that had been produced by that song, the rest of the show was flawless. I knew it was the best performance I’d had in years, and it had everything to do with the connection I felt to the music. True, we had written the songs for our new album, but they had been twisted into something so unrecognizable that it was impossible to perform them with any depth of emotion. I had been going through the motions, singing the new songs each night, yet my heart hadn’t been fully in it. Now that I realized what had been missing, I knew our fans deserved more than I’d been giving them. I just needed to figure out a way to do it without any serious consequences.
Still amped up from a fantastic show, everyone was gathered in the front lounge for a celebratory drink.
“Thank you for the song tonight,” Anna said. “It was amazing.”
“It felt amazing,” I confessed and pulled her into my lap. “Having an emotional connection to that song made a huge difference.”
Anna’s brow furrowed in confusion. “That doesn’t make sense to me. Why would you have more of an emotional connection to someone else’s song than to the ones you wrote?”
“Because the soul was sucked out of them by LGR.”
“Not all of them. Just the newer ones,” Derek added. “Yes, we wrote the words and got full songwriting credit, but LGR completely bastardized them in the studio to get the darker sound they wanted.”
“They can do that?”
Shawn nodded. “They have full control of the recording process and have final approval on the finished recordings. As if that wasn’t enough, they fucked with the meaning behind the songs too and marketed them how they wanted.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, settling back against me.
Lance knocked back his shot before explaining. “The worst example is the song ‘Hit the Bricks’. They recorded it as an audio version of giving someone the finger. Then, it was marketed as a break-up song to provide the perfect soundtrack for the drama with Krissy. Don’t get me wrong, it was never a pop song about unicorns and rainbows, but it had heart.”
“What was it really about?”
It had been so long since I had focused on the true meaning behind the song. I loved that Anna wanted to know and that I could share it with her. “It’s a tribute to those struggling with drug addiction and having the strength to beat it. Of course, good lyrics have a way of going beyond any literal interpretation and can mean different things to different people. Music imprints itself on you at a time when it means the most to you, like ‘Best of You’ did for you. ‘Hit the Bricks’ works as a metaphor for anything that continues to cause you harm and finding the courage to leave your demons behind.”
Anna looked pained. “Did any of you struggle with drugs?” she whispered.
“No,” I assured her. “This song was inspired by another musician we toured with early in our career. We were there when he hit rock bottom and was taken away in an ambulance. Then again when he got his chip for being sober for ninety days. He was so fucking proud of himself and said it felt like he’d climbed a hundred-foot brick wall. Not everyone has that strength, or they don’t think they do. We wanted to capture his experience to let other people know that it’s possible.”
Reaching for her phone, Anna pulled up the lyrics and began to recite them, with no influence from the music.
“Too much baggage to unload
I’m done traveling this rocky road
The months pass by, debts go unpaid
Time marches on, the good times fade
“Hit the Bricks, to shake the need
Take my licks and watch me bleed
Then my eyes go wide and see
That this good-bye’s not hurting me
“Won’t go through another day
The price, it grows too much to pay
My mind’s made up, I start to pack
Walk through the door, no looking back
“Hit the Bricks, then scale the wall
On the other side, I will stand tall
And show my prize for all to see
That this good-bye is all for me”
She looked back up at me, her eyes wide with wonder. “I never really paid attention to the lyrics. I just accepted what LGR presented.”
“There was an additional verse that LGR cut since it didn’t fit their vision.”
“Sing it,” she begged.
Derek and Lance grabbed the acoustic guitars out of the back lounge. We sang the song in its entirety, with all of the soul of the original version. Including the final verse.
“One final punch, with all my might
The bricks fall down, I’ve won the fight
The pile remains, won’t disappear
But now it’s me the bricks should fear
Every day, the sun shines bright
Beyond the shadows, dark as night
The sky is clear, the birds so high
I’ve found another way to fly”
“It’s so beautiful,” she said, earnestly. “Why would LGR make it so ugly?”
“Money,” Shawn stated. “According to their research, break-up songs are more profitable than songs about addiction.”
“Maybe, but a break-up song never saved someone’s life. These lyrics have that power. Can you re-record it with your new label?”
“Unfortunately, no. We would have to get LGR’s permission, which will never happen.”
But the seed had been planted, and as I looked at my brothers, the idea took root. We would have to get creative again, but it would be worth it to know that our song was heard the way it had been intended.
Chapter 18
Anna
Alone in the back lounge, I watched all of the splendor of the graduation ceremony unfold on the laptop screen in front of me. A live stream allowed me to see everything and feel like I was a part of it even though it was all happening in Chicago while I was parked outside of an arena in Detroit.
I had wrestled with the decision of whether or not to take a quick day trip back home for the ceremony. Just knowing I had the funds and could have easily rented a car for the day was satisfying on its own. However, it would have been more than four hours each way, making my departure time well before sunrise to arrive ahead of the ten o’clock ceremony. All of that effort had seemed ridiculous just so I could sit amongst strangers and be handed an empty diploma cover since my official diploma would arrive in the mail in a few weeks. Besides, Megan was out of town for her grandmother’s ninetieth birthday, so I had decided that it really wasn’t worth it.
All week, I’d tried my best to ignore the festering fear that if I chose to go back to Chicago for my graduation, Jaxon might encourage me to go ahead and stay there. After all, that was my goal in all of this, right? My job with the band was just a means to get home. If that goal was achieved, what reason would I have to stay?
Like my prior foster homes, I only belonged with the band temporarily, based on extenuating circumstances. And just like the past, there would come a time for me to return home, no matter how much I wished otherwise. Left with nothing but fond memories of my time with different families, I often wondered if they remembered me too or if I had been forgotten as soon as the next needy kid arrived. After all, not one person had ever offered to keep in touch or attempted to reach out to me after I was gone. Not even Miss Molly.
My eyes began to sting at the thought of Jaxon and everyone else forgetting about me so easily. Perhaps a small, insecure part of me was trying to earn their affection and prove that I was worth remembering. So, partly for selfish reasons, I remained close to the band and continued to work on my secret project. Sneaking away each day had been a challenge, but pride filled my chest when I thought of how much I would be able to help Detrimental have the co
nfidence to regain control of their dream. I couldn’t wait to share everything with the band. I just needed another week to wrap it up.
Returning my attention to the live stream, the university president’s speech droned on, so I pushed it to the back of my mind again. I was only watching the ceremony out of mild curiosity and to see if it was anything like I’d imagined. Though the stage was beautifully decorated and the sea of blue caps and gowns was impressive, the ceremony itself was incredibly dull. In no time, my mind drifted to all of the crazy events that had taken place over the past few days.
The most exciting change this week had been the band’s performance of “Hit the Bricks”. After checking their contract and consulting with their lawyer, they had learned that they had every right to perform their songs however they wanted to since they legally owned them. The only restrictions were based on recording the songs and potentially distributing them. Armed with that knowledge, they had performed their original version of “Hit the Bricks” after a brief explanation of how they had been inspired to write it. Following their lawyer’s advice, they had been very careful not to express any resentment towards LGR or say anything negative about the recorded version of the song to prevent violating their contract.
As expected, the fans loved it. Cell phone recordings were already being viewed on fan websites and through various social media accounts, with the videos being shared rampantly. Detrimental inspired loyalty everywhere they went, and seeing it firsthand had fueled another idea for the loophole we had all been utilizing.
Reaching out to Indigo, I had pitched my idea for an article told from the perspective of crew members who toured with bands. Having talked with so many of the crew members myself, I knew they had nothing but positive things to say and had some great stories to share about the guys and their humble, generous nature. Just mentioning the idea had them spreading the word and eagerly offering to help in any way possible.
Indigo loved the idea, especially since her readers enjoyed hearing stories from behind the scenes. Too excited to wait, she had flown in early this morning to take advantage of the perfect timing in the schedule. Detroit had been booked for two nights, and all of the hard work and set-up had already been done for yesterday’s show. That left the crew largely free for the day. Just in case, Indigo also booked a hotel for the night to finish up any remaining interviews on their day off tomorrow.
Getting Pops and Callie to help out, we managed to keep Indigo hidden from the band. My job was to keep an eye on the guys, especially Jaxon since he might recognize Indigo from their interview together in New York. It was an easy job since all of Jaxon’s press obligations had already been fulfilled and the guys were all content to hang out in the front lounge playing video games.
With a quick check of the screen to confirm more long-winded speeches were in progress, I made my way up front to grab a hot apple cider from the Keurig. While it was brewing, I made a quick trip to the bathroom. Grabbing my cup and returning to the back lounge, I didn’t even notice that Jaxon hadn’t been among the rest of the testosterone fest of digital mayhem.
“What the hell is this?” Jaxon’s voice was loud enough to startle me into nearly spilling my drink. Pointing to the computer screen, he looked as angry as I’d ever seen him.
“It’s a graduation ceremony,” I said, trying to gauge the source of his anger.
“Is this your graduation?” He stared me down, and I couldn’t have lied to him even if I wanted to. I nodded my head, still unsure if his anger was directed at me or the situation. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because it didn’t matter.” I shrugged my shoulders and tried to brush it off.
“Didn’t matter?” he roared. “This is a huge fucking milestone and you’re missing it!” One hand rubbed the back of his neck, and he looked hurt. “Damn it! I would have gotten you home in time if I’d known.”
“I didn’t want to go,” I said, trying to reach for him. For the first time ever, he denied my touch, sending a shockwave of hurt through me.
“I can’t believe you would do this.”
I couldn’t believe he was acting as though I had done something to him or wronged him in some way. My own frustration was starting to rise. “Do what?” I cried, my voice growing louder. “I didn’t do anything!”
“Why would you keep something this important from me? I thought your classes were over for the semester. I had no idea that you were graduating.”
“What difference does it make? I don’t understand why you’re acting like a victim when it doesn’t have anything to do with you.” A painful grimace flashed across his face before he masked it. I regretted hurting him but couldn’t understand why he was so upset about all of this. It was my milestone. He had no right to tell me how to feel about it or what it should mean to me. Anger surfaced, stirred up from all of the turmoil within me, and I turned to blast him with it. “I’ve worked my ass off for this and am damned proud of my accomplishment. I don’t need to attend a stuffy ceremony to acknowledge that.”
“The difference is that I never would have let you give this up.”
“Let me?” I yelled, interrupting him. “This was a choice. My. Choice.”
He began pacing the small space like a caged animal. His jaw clenched, anger and frustration filled each word. “Well, you made the wrong choice. Again. You deserve to celebrate this and have happy memories of your graduation day. Instead, you’re going to look back with regret because you wasted it sitting on a tour bus in a fucking parking lot. Why would you possibly choose that?”
“Why?” I asked, my control cracking under the burden of such heavy emotions. He thought I’d made the wrong choice. Again. The word was like a knife through my chest. Yes, I had made some questionable choices over the years, and the results had been less than ideal. Still, I wasn’t incapable of making decisions for myself. Did he think my choice to be with him was wrong? Was he now regretting his choice to be with me? “Why?” I repeated, feeling my heart split wide open at the thought of losing him. “Because I don’t have anybody who cares about me there! That’s why!”
The admission nearly crippled me as the feeling of being utterly alone in the world overwhelmed me. I was usually so good at burying it deep down, but Jaxon always managed to find a way to unearth the darkest parts of me and bring them into the light. Feeling exposed, I was helpless to stop the eruption of hurt and pain that I had repressed over the years. It assaulted me, making me want to lash out.
“Do you want to know all of the happy memories my day would have been filled with?” I asked, sarcastically. “I already have the happy memory of throwing away the invitation order form that came in the mail because I didn’t have anyone to invite. Today, I could have added the happy memory of actually having no one in the audience to cheer for me when my name was called.” I paused to take a deep breath and try to calm the shaking in my limbs, but it was no use. “What about having to ask a stranger to take a picture of me in my cap and gown so I could properly capture the occasion? Is that the happy memory you think I should have been making today? Or maybe it’s the happy memory of taking the train home alone afterward because there was nobody to take me out someplace special for lunch or to celebrate with at home, surrounded by balloons and streamers and cake. There’s nothing happy about any of those memories. So, guess what? I chose not to do that.”
We both stilled, and my heart pounded in my ears. It was the only sound I could hear in the otherwise silent room. My voice lowered and my shoulders slumped as I felt the fight drain from my body. I held Jaxon’s glassy eyes with mine as a last-ditch effort to prove the sincerity of my next words. “I already have a lifetime of memories just like those and would gladly trade them all to spend the day parked anywhere on a bus with you.”
He remained as still as stone with his fists clenched tightly. Reality rushed back in, and I tried to swallow the shame and embarrassment that threatened to suffocate me as I became aware of everything that I had just laid
bare before him. My unease only
grew with each passing moment that Jaxon remained silent. And the moment I saw the pity in his eyes, I turned and fled.
A light breeze danced through my hair as I sat looking across the water. Canada was visible from where I sat on a park bench along the Detroit River. I was a visitor in one place while staring at a foreign land, romanticizing it in my mind and imagining how perfect life was over there. It was a pathetically accurate summary of my entire life; always watching from the outside, longing to find a place where I fit in.
All of the families that I had been placed with or observed from afar, the same families that I’d secretly wished to be a part of, were as foreign to me as Canada. In both cases, the people and places looked the same on the surface. But stark differences hovered underneath.
Thanks to Miss Molly, I had learned the value of assimilating to my surroundings, learning to adapt quickly so I could dress and act appropriately to blend in. Yet there had still been times when it felt like I was speaking a foreign language and using a completely different currency. Feeling like an imposter, I had constantly worried that if anyone looked too closely, they would discover the truth. I was an outsider. I didn’t belong. I’d been a poor trashy kid pretending that I deserved a nice family.
Eli sat beside me and hadn’t spoken a word since I’d rushed past him on the bus. Without hesitation, he had tossed his game controller on the sofa and followed me down the steps. He hadn’t questioned my destination as we’d walked toward the riverfront. And not a word had been uttered in the hour we’d spent on the bench. Instead, he held my hand, his presence simply a reminder that he was there if I needed him.
Changing the Key: A Detrimental Rock Star Romance (Book 1) Page 18